A Memo to All Bass Empire Employees:

Anyone without a security badge should not be found unescorted in the halls. This includes the following: children, spouses, messengers, and pets of any kind.

Lately a great number of the avian species, specifically white, female pigeon fowl, have been spotted in the halls and discovered roosting in the ceiling crawl spaces. It has been mentioned that these fowl may be a pet problem that has gotten out of control. Please refrain from having pets of any kind on the property.

Also, close all windows until further notice.

Regards,

Roger Getter
Chief of Security

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Dear Mrs. Blair Bass,

We at St. Constance Preparatory School for Girls regret to inform you of a troubling incident that has recently darkened our doorstep. A ring of paper writing and exam cheating has been discovered by one of our newest teachers here at Constance, Ms. Baker. It is unfortunate that such a disgraceful path has been taken by one of our young ladies but rest assured, we, the administrative staff, will not rest until the ringleader has been discovered. It is possible one of your children may have been a victim of cheating and for this, we apologize.

As one of our most generous alumni and board members, we are writing to inform you of the situation before any information is spread by scandal or slander. Again, we apologize for any distress this news had brought you and pledge to bring the offender to justice. Please, feel free to write or call us with any concerns.

Deepest regards,

Principal Sarah O'Malley

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Alexandria Bass you have...1 New Text Message

From Mom:

What have you done?! Call me now young lady!

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Blair Waldorf-Bass you have... 2 New Voicemails

"This is Blair Waldorf-Bass. I'm apparently too busy to take your call, but if you leave your name, reason for calling, number, and hours you can be reached—in that order—I'll be happy to return your call when I have a moment." Beep.

"Mom listen. Whatever they're telling you is a lie. You know me... well maybe that's not in my favor but you know that if I ever was running an elaborate underground homework ring for the perpetually over-allowanced, under-intelligenced masses I would tell you. Or at least dad. I mean, how why would I bother selling essays to freshman who can barely stand upright? I have one scam and it's NYU- I know that Liam and you are fighting but don't take it out on me. I only exploit the underprivileged! I'm not taking the fall for this!

"Also why aren't you answering your phone?! Get it together Mom! This is no time to flashback from reality! Call me!"

"This is Blair Waldorf-Bass. I'm apparently too busy to take your call, but if you leave your name, reason for calling, number, and hours you can be reached—in that order—I'll be happy to return your call when I have a moment." Beep.

"Blair this is Dr. Kiltrin. Chuck tells me you're feeling a little stressed with the children going back to school. I just wanted to give you a call and remind you that you can only influence your own destiny. We don't need to fall back on old habits do we? There's only so many times you can sneak into the school dressed as a nun Blair. Why don't you give my secretary a call and schedule a session?"

A Message For: Mr. Bass

From: Renee Vargas, Secretary

Taken By: Renee Vargas, secretary

Date/Time: 2 September 2031 10:30am

Regarding: Birds

Sir, I am respectfully notifying you of an issue that has been plaguing my (and other's) work situation. It's the birds sir. I am aware that Mrs. Bass has been noticeably stressed due to you children's return to school and that you were only seeking to lighten both her mood and heart by training doves to deliver her messages; however, your subsequent decision to abandon the plan and simply send Ms. Humphrey out of the country has caused a bit of... difficulty. While I applaud your thinking and consideration of your wife's needs I urge you to think of me sir.

Me and the extraordinary amount of bird shit on my desk.

Something needs to be done about the doves sir. This is not Hogwarts. I simply cannot have birds flying about my head during working hours- I Skype sir.

Respectfully yours,

Renee Vargas