Pretend (Part 4)
by BrDPirateMan

My last few days of summer break were spent at home. Doing nothing. Couldn't think of anything to do. Homework was all done. All the chores that I promised I would do for my parents had been completed. Hanging out with Beat and Rhyme was impossible as they were away for the holidays. I had no idea where Eri was. And Shiki wouldn't answer my calls. Maybe she was afraid I would enquire about her feelings. I eventually gave up after the phone went unheeded for the fifth time… so there were no 'dates' for us for a while.

What an idiot I was… If I had not been so curious, this wouldn't have happened…

It was the last day, and the afternoon was going by at a slow pace. I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, watching the fan swirl round and round. The digital clock let out a teeny squeak to signal the top of the hour, and when I looked, the hour was at the five. Almost evening…

What was it about the last day of school holidays that lent the very air a melancholy quality? It would be classes and homework and crazy teachers all over again tomorrow, but it wasn't like we wouldn't see each other again; school days could still be fun with my lot of friends.

So what was the cause of this overhanging, lingering sadness?

I could bet dollars to cents that Shiki was the centre of it all. That was how much I missed her. It had only been about a week and I missed her so much. There was a factor of urgency, too. Should any guy get his mitts on her before I did…

"That's it!" I said aloud, getting up in an instant. "No time to dawdle about now." I swiped my cell phone from the table and called her up, but just as I expected, she wouldn't answer. How frustrating!

But I was a tenacious one. Oh… I'd just pay her a surprise visit…

XOXOXOXOXO

I was packed to the brim with so much determination on the way to Shiki's home. Every step I took, I took it with pride. No more dilly-dallying. No more crippling shyness. I had a purpose, and I was going to see it through.

But when I was finally at her doorstep, however, I became something akin to a trembling little child as all the confidence that I had been building up petered away into nothing. There was a vast empty hole where it used to be. The fright had returned from the grave to wreak havoc on me again. I tried to free myself from its chains, but they were strong.

There were so many questions in my head, but I had answers to none of them.

What should I say?

Where should I go with her for this date?

Do I try to pry further into her feelings, or wait and see?

Or should I even… confess to her?

Could I? Should I? Must I? How should I know? !

The searing ringtone from my phone suddenly slashed through the air like an invisible knife. Yanked from my chain of thoughts so rudely, I jumped two feet into the air. I quickly answered it, but it turned out to be a wrong number – one of life's pet peeves, especially when it had to happen at such a crucial moment!

I paced up and down in front of Shiki's doorstep to calm my frazzled nerves. Then it occurred to me that it was close to six in the evening. Oh boy, it'd have to be a date at night, it'd seem. But this was no time to be unsure of myself!

My closed hand hovered mere inches from the wooden door, poised to knock. The approach was slow and agonizing. It took forever to move a single millimeter. After what seemed like a million years, and when I was about to rap the door with my knuckles, it suddenly opened by itself.

The person who opened it poked out her head.

"Sh-Sh-Shiki!" I yelped, fumbling and panicking. She giggled at my outburst.

"Neku, just what were you doing out there?" she asked, thoroughly amused.

"Oh! Um… I…" What could I say? "I was passing through the neighbourhood…"

"You were pacing up and down for what reason exactly?"

"Huh? ! H-How did you know I was…? !"

To that she replied, with a very noticeable smirk, "I heard your ringtone blaring outside my door, as well as you talking to someone, so I went over to take a gander through the peephole. That's when I saw you walking to and fro, looking so worried."

I just stared at her in disbelief as she continued, "I thought I'd watch to see what you were up to. And when you took ages to knock on my door, it was hilarious! It was hard trying not to laugh!" She had to prop herself against the doorway as she guffawed so she wouldn't fall to the floor in pieces. Well, my obvious embarrassment aside, at least she was in a pretty good mood. It was like she had forgotten about what happened at the beach. I wouldn't bring it up if there was no need to…

"Uh… Shiki…"

"Ha ha ha ha… Oh… Oh, sorry. I couldn't help it… Yeah?"

"Well, I hate to take the roundabout route, so… are you free right now?"

"I guess so," she said, "Need anything?"

"Yeah. One last date."

She gasped and suddenly all the left-over laughter disappeared altogether. "Um…" She was uncharacteristically hesitant, reaching for the cuff of her shirt to play with in her fingers. "It's a pretend date, right?"

No, Shiki, I love you and we're dating for real. That's what I wanted so badly to say, but… it wasn't the right time. "It'd seem that way." I gave her a slight smile. Sensing her indecisiveness, I added, "We don't need to do this date if you don't want to… I understand it's the day before school reopens and you might be busy preparing for tomorrow."

The stupor that fell over Shiki was finally broken. "N-No! I'm… I'm not doing anything at the moment. I… I can hang out with you… for a little while. Just let me get changed and I'll pop back out in a minute."

She went back inside and closed the door to get dolled up. I leaned against the wall in the corridor outside, thinking deeply. I've had enough of dodging around the issue. It was time to take aim and strike the bull's-eye of Shiki's heart.

The thing is, I had just crashed into this whole thing without thinking it through. What will I say and do? I hadn't decided…

XOXOXOXOXO

"Where are you taking me, Neku?" asked Shiki as we were walking side by side through the bustling streets of Shibuya.

"Miyashita Park would be nice," I replied, though to be honest, I hadn't even decided on our destination beforehand. I just thought of it seconds ago. Good thing I had a quick mind… "It's quiet there at this time of the day and we can watch the sunset together."

Apparently overwhelmed, all she said was a barely audible "Oh…" I could almost feel the heat seeping from her red face.

We arrived at the park just in time to witness the last strands of sunlight filter through the clouds, casting painted shadows on the evening sky. The park was one of the more open areas of Shibuya, with fewer buildings around to obstruct our view, so we could get a good look at the heavens. We found ourselves a fine spot to observe the beauty of nature.

"What do you think?" I asked her.

"Wow…" she breathed, completely in awe, "I've been around Miyashita Park so many times, but never once did it occur to me that this would be a great place for sunset-watching. It's gorgeous, Neku."

"It's one of my favourite places to chill and relax. When life's getting tough or I need to wind down and relax, this is where I go."

"Really?"

"Yeah…"

"Then… Then there's a good reason you brought me here?"

Ooh… She's a sharp one. Wouldn't this be the perfect place to make a romantic confession? The two of us standing together alone in the backdrop of a beautiful sunset… what could be more perfect than this?

My hands were getting clammy and my heartbeat was rising exponentially. This was it. There was no turning back. I had come this far, and I wasn't about to let this opportunity slide. Not on my watch.

"You're right, Shiki. I did bring you here for a reason."

"Huh?"

I placed my hands on both of her shoulders, looking deeply into her eyes. It was hard to tell if she was blushing because of the orange glow of the sun on her skin, but she did appear surprised at my actions. Come on, Neku, I told myself, Say those magic words… You can do it.

"Shiki… I… I…"

I could feel her twitching restlessly underneath my fingertips. "N-Neku?"

"I… I love…"

Her eyes grew wide. Her pulse was racing. I was sure of it. I could even imagine it.

Alas, at the final moment, my cowardice got the better of me, and I pulled back. "Well, I really love… the… the onigiri you cook, Shiki! It's great!"

She blinked at me, bewildered. "Oh… um… really?"

"Y-Yeah! Honest! It's the best thing ever!" No! That's not what I wanted to say!

"Is… Is that so…? I see…"

Something about her unenthusiastic response suggested disappointment, like she was expecting to hear something else – maybe it was the downcast eyes, or the way her shoulders slumped. I should have known better than to cobble together a fake compliment so haphazardly. Being a smart girl, she could easily see through it.

I praised her a little more about her culinary skills to try and cover up for my bungled confession, but she didn't seem to acknowledge any of what I said. We went back to watching the sun descend into the cityscape. Wordlessly and uneasily.

Why did I have to be like this? I was beating myself up for this. Why couldn't I just say it out? Why did I have to keep being scared? "Nothing ventured, nothing gained" was one of the phrases I had been repeating to myself over and over to prep myself for the big moment, but nothing came out of it. Frustration and regret tinged my otherwise splendid evening. I was angry with myself. And when I glanced over at Shiki, who was staring pointedly at the sunset with that sad look on her face, my spirit was mashed into a pulp. I wasn't supposed to make her feel this way, dammit!

We stood there, unmoving, as though if we tensed a single muscle then everything would go wrong in this world. The whole affair was simply too awkward no thanks to me. Should I apologise? How could I apologise when she would argue that there was nothing to be sorry about? Should I praise her some more? No, that would be horribly inappropriate. Not doing what to do next… it was killing me, like my insides were being cut into numerous ribbons. I'd rather take a hundred blows to the face than to experience the emotional devastation this kind of soul-crushing feeling could produce.

Eventually the last few rays of light dissipated and made way for the night. Shiki spoke up at last, but the voice that came out was a shadow of her normally jovial tone. "Well, it's getting late, Neku…" The Shiki I know and love had an infectious cheeriness that made her seem greater than life, but right now, she seemed so small and insignificant that simply looking at her cut a deep gash in my heart.

"It was fun watching the sunset with you, Neku," she said softly, forcing a smile, "I'll have to get back home or my parents would get mad at me. Anyway, thanks for everything."

Shiki…

"Hey, you know?" she added, adjusting her glasses for the fifth time in a minute, "I just realised that this is your last day as my 'boyfriend'. If I made you feel strange or anything, I'm sorry. But I also want to properly thank you for all the good times we shared together. I thoroughly enjoyed myself, and that's the truth. So… thanks. You're such a fantastic friend."

"Ah… um, don't mention it," was all I could say, the words rattling in my dry throat.

"…Bye." She turned away, but with a slowness so painful it suggested she didn't want to leave… Like she had something to say… Something that she really, really wanted to say, but couldn't.

All of a sudden it came blazing back to me. Her behaviour now… it reminded me of my own spinelessness. For the past few months shortly after the Reapers' Game, I had always wanted to convey what I was really feeling for her. But I never did. I was too scared. Frightened of failure, as it were. Just like her now. She was dying to spit it out, but fear was holding her back, much like how it did the same for me before.

If anyone was going to change the ending of this story of our lives, it would be me. And, finally freeing myself from the binds of doubt, I went for it!

With an abnormally loud voice, I called out, "Shiki!"

She jumped in surprise, stopped dead in her tracks, and swiveled round to face me.

"Shiki, wait."

I walked up to her, saying, "Hey, Shiki. Um… you said that this is my last day as your 'boyfriend', right?"

"Uh-huh…"

"Is… Is that how it works?"

"What do you mean?" Her confusion took an edge off of her sadness.

"Does it have to end today? My time as your 'boyfriend', I mean."

She shifted in her steps, glancing away from me and biting her lip. One hand was clutching her other arm by the elbow, squeezing it uncomfortably. "Yeah… I did say 'over summer break', so I guess we'll be back to being just friends tomorrow." Did she just heave a sigh?

"But… But… Shiki, what if… we don't have to go back to being friends?"

She looked horrified. "Huh? !"

"Sorry, that came out all wrong," I quickly added, fearing a gross misinterpretation on Shiki's part, "What I mean is… can't we, you know, keep dating and stuff? It's… actually kinda fun, you know."

If Shiki was feeling relief, it certainly wasn't visible. Not when there was a gigantic blush on her face – so adorable. But, dumbfounded beyond words, she couldn't say anything. It was up to me to keep the momentum going.

"We called them pretend dates," I continued, developing a facial redness myself, "but over the course of our holidays, I realised something. I… I want to get closer to you. I want to know you better. We're so close, and I know a good deal about you by now, but… there's… there's still so much still swimming about in the unknown. Uh, I mean…" This wasn't going as well as I had hoped… Wasn't I starting to sound like a stalker instead?

I pulled the collar of my hoodie, instantly getting a rush of hot air to the face. "L-Look, never mind about that. What's important is… is… I want to date you for real!"

Shiki simply stood there, unable to respond out of shock. But in her eyes, there was this gleam… Did it mean happiness?

"And Shiki, I don't mean dating as pretend lovers… I figured I could be your real boyfriend instead of a pretend one… so… uh…"

Suddenly and unexpectedly, she lurched straight at me and wrapped her arms around my neck in a tight hug. Before the reality of the situation crossed my mind, she spoke first. "Neku… Are you asking us to… go out?"

"Y-Yes, of course…"

"So then… we wouldn't be pretending anymore, would we?"

"No, we'll really be dating, if that's fine with you."

"You're going to be my real boyfriend?"

"Yeah, I really want to!"

Shiki nuzzled her head in my shoulder. I discerned a genuine smile in her gentle voice. "Then could I ask you to be my real boyfriend a little longer? Like, say… forever?"

That's when I understood. I hugged her back, caressing her hair. "You know it, Shiki."

We stayed in that warm embrace, filled with love developed from a strong friendship. In such an isolated place as Miyashita Park, the darkness of the night was unsettling. But together, we felt like we could protect each other and overcome anything, come rain or shine. Almost as though we were bathed in our own light. My heart was singing with joy.

I had finally accomplished the impossible. And what do you know, she actually reciprocated my feelings. This was a day worth celebrating! Shiki was in my arms, and I vowed never to let her slip through my fingers again. I would always be there for her… forever…

"I was sad when you told me you loved my onigiri," she said, though with a grin, "because I was expecting you to say you love me instead."

"I'm sorry, Shiki… I was too scared and got cold feet. And if I knew you were in love with me too, I'd have confessed my feelings to you sooner. Then you wouldn't have had to deal with Ryusei and get hurt."

Shiki looked confused and she broke the hug apart. "Huh?"

"Um… you know… you were in love with him, right?"

"I… I was in love with who? Who's Ryusei?"

What? ! How could she forget about the first boy she fell in love with? She confessed to him, for goodness' sake! But wait… what if the incident of him rejecting her left such a deep scar in her, that she forgot about it in self-defense? Sometimes, people block out bad memories in that way, and then all that's left, if at all, is an insignificant inkling of what had happened to them that triggered the memory loss in the first place.

Could this be what had happened to her? Did she forget about Ryusei unconsciously?

"R-Remind me again?" she said, her brows knitted together. "Ryusei, was it?"

If I reminded her now about him, I might invoke the trauma that she had suffered. Perhaps I should stay silent.

"Oh, hey, don't worry about it, Shiki," I said, waving the matter away as quickly as I could, "It's no big deal. Sometimes I say things that make no sense. Ha ha…"

"Ryusei… Ryusei…" She was uttering the name over and over, eyes askance as though thinking hard. She was trying to recall… but I didn't want that. Just as I was about to stop her, however, she gasped, "Oh! Now I remember!"

Uh-oh… What have I done?

With a widening smile, she giggled, "Ah… about this… You don't need to worry about a thing. You see… I never confessed to Ryusei."

"Huh?" She didn't tell Ryusei that she loved him? "You… Wait. If you loved him, then… why didn't you confess? You did say that you wanted to do that, you know."

"There are two things wrong with that assumption, Neku," she said, unable to stop chuckling, "One, I never fell in love with him…"

"You never did? !"

"…because two, I couldn't."

The mystery grew thicker. "What do you mean, 'you couldn't'?" Her two reasons made no sense!

"Ha ha ha… It's simple, really. Do you really want to know the true reason, though? Are you prepared to know the truth? It may come as something of a shock."

"I…" What if the truth was something I didn't want to learn? Something terrible about Shiki… What if, beneath her sweet personality and unending care, was a tragic past? But if it was tragic, she wouldn't be smiling…

Nonetheless, I wanted to know. I told her, determination in my voice, "Yes, I want to know everything."

"Okay, then brace yourself," she said, stifling her laughter as much as she could. Why was she laughing anyway? "I couldn't have fallen in love with Ryusei, nor have confessed to him, because…

…he doesn't exist."

"Huh? ! D-Doesn't exist? !" What's this about? !

"It's just like I said, Neku. There's no such person as Ryusei. He's a character that I made up all by myself."

And as I stood there, staring at her like an idiot, she finally gave in to her urges and burst into uproarious laughter. She slapped my arm in her fits of mirth, but I didn't notice the pain. I was too dumbstruck to. Ryusei was… not a real person at all? He was an imaginary character? All I wanted to know was… why? Why would she do such a thing as to lie that she confessed to a person who never even existed in the first place?

It was after a good while that she finally managed to stop. The goofy grin on her face stayed, though. "Neku, I'm so sorry I deceived you, ha ha… I think it's time I told you the whole story."

And so she did. It was the most astonishing thing I had ever heard. I clung to every word like a greedy ant to honey.

She began, "I've always been in love with you, Neku. More than anything, I wanted you to love me back. But… I had no idea of knowing if you saw me as just a friend, or as something more.

"I was at my wit's end. I could have just come out and told you, but I was frightened. The fear that you might not love me had been holding me back."

So she was just like me… Turned out both of us wanted so badly to confess to each other but simply didn't dare to. The possibility of rejection was a strong deterrent indeed.

"I had to know one way or another about your feelings," she continued, her words rich with emotion, "I came up with all sorts of ways, but they weren't any good. Near the beginning of summer break, however, I struck upon an idea…"

I had a pretty good idea where she was going with this.

She gave a small "pfft" that suggested impending laughter. As though she could read my thoughts, she said, "That's right… I created Ryusei out of thin air and purposely told you I was in love with him to see what your reaction was. I figured I might be able to see if you were… jealous or something." She cupped her mouth to hide her giggling.

"J-Jealous?" This girl's scheme was getting more and more bizarre with each new tidbit of information.

"Yeah. And if you're jealous, that would mean that you do like me, right?"

"I… I can't deny that… I did feel a tinge of… disappointment."

"Sorry about doing that to you, Neku. Heh heh." She stroked my arm in a soothing way. "You definitely felt terrible when I broke the news to you. I could tell from your body language and the way you avoided me the week before summer break began."

It was true that I didn't want to walk home together with her after school because it was too painful to.

"And it was then that I was sure I had a chance with you, Neku. However, I wasn't completely convinced, so I kept up the act. I pretended to carry on being in love with Ryusei up until the time I told you that he 'rejected' me. Incidentally, I had almost completely forgotten about him because all I could think of was moving on to the next step of my grand plan.

"It was necessary for me to be doubly sure about where your feelings for me lay even in light of the events that unfolded. To do that, I had to get closer to you… And so, I asked you for a certain favour…"

I immediately knew what she was going to talk about. "And that favour was for me to be your 'boyfriend', right?"

"Bingo! Gold star for you, Neku," she said. "It was the only way. But before you misunderstand me, I honestly enjoyed all of the times we shared together. Seriously, I wished they were real dates instead of pretend ones."

She looked away, twiddling with her fingers, the blush on her face deepening. My face was growing hot too. How could it not? Just imagine… we were actually deeply in love with each other the whole time. We just never knew it! Fate works in strange ways.

And on another note, I gotta admit, this girl was craftier than I gave her credit for. She totally outsmarted me with her cunning plan!

"Over the course of the summer," she breathed, her face so red I feared she might faint, "we went out so many times. Every moment we shared together I treasured so much. It took me a lot of courage each time I wanted to ask you out on another one of our pretend dates, but it was always worth it. With each new day I grew more and more convinced that you did love me. I was a total believer after we went to the beach. Remember that day?"

"Yeah…" The memory of it was as fresh as the day it was made. Shiki and I had almost kissed. It was so close…

"I took a big risk back there, attempting to kiss you. Honestly, I was afraid you might push me away in shock, but the fact that you didn't…" She looked away out of embarrassment. "…cemented my beliefs that you had fallen for me as much as I did for you."

"Shiki…" All along my fears had been unfounded. Had I asked her to be my girlfriend early on, she would definitely have said yes. On hindsight, it was funny how things worked out.

But there were… more urgent matters to take care of. I gently grasped Shiki by the shoulders, causing her to take notice. As she tilted her head to gaze straight into my soul, and her hands were pressed onto my chest lightly, that was when I knew our hearts were connected. Nothing else mattered. Everything faded into a blur. All we cared about was each other.

My arms circled around her back as we moved in towards each other. Her eyes fluttered shut, and her face was serene and beautiful. Our doubts were cleared up, our fears were all but gone, and the anxiety of an uncertain future had vanished. Without trying, without awkward insecurity, both of us leaned in and our lips touched, moving together in perfect harmony. The sensation was unbelievable. Now I knew why people loved kissing so much. It was that good. There was nothing better I could have asked for.

For a long time we stayed trapped in that romantic embrace, losing ourselves in the passion of the moment. The journey had been a long winding one, and we had reached the end, only to encounter the beginning of another journey: the blossoming of our love life. We took our time savouring the sweet taste in our mouths. After all, both of us deserved it.

When we broke for air, Shiki spoke first, her voice soft and gentle like a warm summer breeze. "Oh, Neku… this is perfect."

"Yeah… Ha ha… Damn, why didn't we do this sooner?" Her soft hair was so soothing to the touch.

"I bet you still can't believe that the whole affair was pre-meditated…"

"It turned out well, though, didn't it, Shiki?"

"That goes without saying…honey."

I grinned. "Hey, you called me 'honey'!"

"I really mean it this time. I love you, Neku." She moved in for another kiss. We sighed into each other's mouths.

"I love you too, Shiki." Then I asked, "By the way, Shiki, just out of curiosity… exactly when did you start falling in love with me?"

Her cheeks were tinted a rosy hue. "Ever since I found out that I was your entry fee in the Reapers' Game."

From that long ago? That's about six months! After all, at the beginning of this very tale, I had said, It's been half a year since the Reapers' Game, and life has never been better.

She continued, "I know you'd always been dependable, but to know that I became the most precious thing to you… Well, you really swept me off my feet back there, Neku. Hee hee!"

Fate is both weird and wonderful. And you know what? It's a good thing.

XOXOXOXOXO

Quite a tale, wouldn't you say?

My love life with Shiki would be a colourful and memorable one. It wasn't perfect, though, like all relationships are. We occasionally had our little squabbles and there were times when a misunderstanding would raise its ugly head and we would dislike each other for a while. But we always found a way to kiss and make up and become a happy couple again. It was as normal as normal gets, but even without the fairy-tale stuff, we were and still are happy to have each other.

She still teases me whenever she gets the chance. Harmless jokes about a number of things that perhaps you should… wait till you're older before you can safely understand.

"Neku! Try to keep up!" Shiki berated me as I struggled to catch up with her. I was holding a plethora of shopping bags in both of my hands and simply walking was a chore. Who would have thought clothes could weigh so much?

"Easy for you to say!" I retorted, "You're not carrying anything!"

"Yeah, but you agreed to do anything for our six-month anniversary! So here you are."

"But this time is different! You tricked me into doing this! You hoodwinked me!"

"Ohohoho! Is that so?" she laughed victoriously.

Eventually I had to rest my tired limbs at a bench. Her bags were clustered all around me like a family of cats. It was absurd how many bags there were. Shiki shook her head, gesturing in exaggerated disappointment.

"The human body has its limits, Shiki," I panted.

"Then the limits of your body are pretty pathetic."

"Girl, I need a break."

After a few seconds of thinking, she ordered me, "Stay here. I'll be back in five minutes."

Whatever was she up to now?

Exactly five minutes later she returned toting yet another shopping bag, though it was mercifully smaller this time.

"I'm guessing you'll want me to carry that," I droned, robot-like.

"Nah, I'll be taking this one," she said.

"Great. Why don't you help me out a little here too?"

She held up the bag she was holding, dangling it lazily from her fingers. "You know, this is a new bra that I bought from that Lacy Temptations lingerie store just behind you, Neku. The latest of its kind. It's got this maximiser thingy and a lacy design which I think is cute."

"Your point being?"

"I was thinking of wearing it and showing it off to you when I next visit you," she deadpanned, "but you know, if you're soooo uncooperative with my shopping spree, I may just have to return this–"

Really? ! I immediately shot up to my feet, nearly causing her to jump out of her skin.

"What can I do for you, ma'am!" I snapped, with a knowing smile.

She laughed, poking my forehead affectionately. "Boys will be boys!"

Of course, I never minded her jokes. I like it when she's funny like that.