Phantom Feelings

Chapter 1

By Sakata Ri Houjun

~****************~

"You're going there again, aren't you?"

Hikou stiffened, but relaxed almost immediately. It was only his friend, Kouran. He turned, leaning back against the wooden sill, and fixed his face into an expression he hoped was all innocence. "I don't know what you're talking about, Kouran. Going where?"

"Don't try to fool me, Hikou. You've been disappearing every chance you get. And I know exactly where you go. You've been doing it for two years."

Swallowing hard, Hikou lifted his chin. "Don't be silly. Taiitsukun has allowed us to remain on Mount Taikyoku so that we could wait for Houjun to join us. Why would I want to jeopardize that?" He realized that he was nervously fiddling with the jade ornament suspended from a thong around his neck, and took his hand away.

"We both care so much for Houjun. That's why when I first found out that you continuously left here to travel to Mount Leikaku, I turned a blind eye because I knew you were worried about him."

Hikou hurried across the room, catching the ethereal woman's shoulders and holding them tightly. "You're right. That's exactly why I've been going to Mount Leikaku, to see if Houjun is doing well. I've been so worried ever since I possessed his lover that they'd never be able to recuperate from the problem I had caused. I just had to see for myself if he would be alright."

"But he's been fine," Kouran interrupted, pulling her dear friend close in a companionable hug. "Even I know this."

"As have I," Hikou continued. "But my apprehension has caused me to return time and time again. At least that was the reason in the beginning."

Kouran's gray eyes narrowed.

"And now," he sighed as he pulled away. "I have another reason for returning." Hikou paced slowly back to the window, staring out through the thin mist at the beauty that was the home to the very creator as well as several spirits such as themselves.

"Tell me why you go there."

Leaning his elbows on the windowsill, Hikou stared at beyond the majestic mountains, hoping to see the real word beyond that he was once a part of. "There's…there's a man." He heard Kouran's sharp gasp, and turned quickly. "It's not like that. He's a friend of Houjun and his lover, Tasuki. But there's something about him…" His eyes fell closed as the scarred bandit's beautiful face appeared in his mind's eye. His deep blue hair, always wind-tossed and wild. The deep forest green of his eyes.

"Has this man seen you?"

"Don't be foolish, Kouran. He's nowhere as sensitive as Houjun is, or even Tasuki for that matter. He'd never be able to see me even if he concentrated for the rest of his life." He gave his head a little shake. "I only go just so I can look at him… and touch him…"

"Touch him? Oh, Hikou, this can't be good. You shouldn't have the right to enter the mortal realm. You're breaking the rules. You'll be in terrible trouble should Taiitsukun ever learn-"

"Hai, but she won't, because you're going to keep my secret."

Kouran nodded slowly. "But Hikou, Taiitsukun knows everything that happens. She's bound to have discovered."

"Were she going to find out, she'd have found out by now," Hikou insisted. "And she obviously hasn't, or she'd have done something about it." He hopped up onto the windowsill, and swung his legs over the edge. Before him the magnificent purple mountains of Mount Taikyoku sloped downward where flowing waterfalls poured into crystalline lakes. But beyond all this beauty lived a man who had called to him with those piercing eyes. He gave one last glance over his shoulder at his childhood friend, a woman whom he had once loved when he was alive. "If anyone asks, tell them I've gone out."

Kouran hesitated, frowning, but nodded at last. "Oh, alright. But we must talk about this when you return."

Hikou only smiled, and pushed himself off the ledge.

"Of all the men I've ever met," he heard her call after him. "I vow, Hikou, you're the worst!"

Hikou sent Kouran a wink, and then floated away.

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

Chichiri looked outside the window, frowning a bit at the dark clouds he saw gathering, and the deep rumble in the distant sky. The creak of the door drew his attention. His best friend and lover, Tasuki, entered their room with a pensive frown that mirrored the monk's.

"I never should have let his go out on a night like this," the bandit muttered as he moved to join his soul mate by the window after stripping off his sodden coat.

Chichiri pulled the younger man into an embrace, but still stared worriedly out the window. "Now, Tasuki-kun, no one knows these mountains as well as Kouji does. Except you, koi. He'll be fine."

"I'm not so sure about that, Chiri. It seems to me he's asking for trouble, going out there alone with this shit happening. Seems to me he's…" His voice trailed off as he shook his head.

"Tempting fate," Chichiri finished for him. "He's been very miserable lately, ever since you and I…"

"I oughta go back out there and look some more," Tasuki interrupted. "He should have been back by-"

His words were cut off by a blinding flash of lightning, rapidly followed by a boom of thunder so sharp that they both felt it vibrate in the center of their chest. A gust of wind came charging through the trees, bending the tall pines nearly in half. The older man's grip tightened reflexively on his companion as he began praying that their friend would be safe.

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

Kouji stood upon a precariously narrow ledge, braced against the vicious wind, rain razing his cheeks, lightning ripping the sky apart overhead. He stood there, and he taunted it. Dared it. Faced it down.

"Ya want me…well, here I am," he shouted, his voice swallowed up by thunder. "Here I am, ya bastard! Come and get me!"

Anyone looking at him now would think him insane. But it wasn't madness that had driven him out here tonight. It was regret…and loneliness so deep that it ate at his soul. The darkness was relieved only by the increasingly frequent lightning strikes that left him blind and blinking. But he was used to darkness. There'd been very little other than darkness in his life for the past two years now. He was angry with the gods. But he was even angrier with himself. He was not depressed or suicidal. He was furious and reckless and wild.

"Come on," he taunted. "Come and get it!"

As if in answer, a powerful gust of wind slammed into his body, hard. His head collided with the stone face of the mountain and he felt himself go limp as he toppled backwards. The chill wetness of the storm embraced him. And that was all.

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

There was an odd, floating sort of sensation. Kouji thought for a moment that his recklessness had got him killed, and that he was about to discover what really awaited him on the other side.

But then there was breath on his face, soft lips touching his cheek, and a hauntingly gentle voice. And gradually he became aware of strong arms encircling his chest from behind, pulling his body upward. Dark hair hung about his face. His savior was behind and above him…as if he were…were flying or something, for Suzaku's sake.

And then the bandit's body was slipping over rock, until his lay inside a dry cavern where the storm couldn't reach him.

And the strange man knelt beside him, his hands running over his face and through his hair, and his voice whispered, "Don't you die on me, Kouji. Don't you dare die on me."

Kouji felt his lips covering his mouth then. His soft hair tickled the bandit's neck and exposed chest and Kouji thought it wouldn't have mattered if he'd been dead for a month, those lips would have brought him back.

Slowly, he slid his hands into that hair, noting how dry it was despite the heavy rains outside, and held his face to his, and he returned that kiss. This man's compassion filled him, and he didn't pull away. In fact, it seemed to Kouji that he kissed him back. Gods, he tasted good. But there was more. There was this sensation of warmth and…and light. Yes. Light, filling him right to his soul, where it had been dark for so long.

And he didn't want to let go. Not ever.

His rescuer sat up slowly. Kouji forced his eyes open. He was dizzy, weak. His head ached, and his vision was blurry. But he hadn't thought himself delirious. Now, though, he wasn't so sure.

Satiny hair, the color of a moonless night sky, fell into a curtain all the way to the man's waist. Narrow black eyes that slanted up at the corners gave him the impression of being older, the gaze deeper and more mysterious than any eyes he had ever seen. He wore creamy robes edged in scarlet. But what seemed to hold his attention the most was the fact that he could…see through him.

"It's alright," he whispered. "Don't be afraid."

"Are you…an angel?"

His smile was one of amusement and irony, but so wonderfully pleasing that the bandit wanted to kiss him again. Was it a sin, he wondered, to be overwhelmed with desire for an angel?

"Iya," he whispered. "I'm no angel." A soft laugh, a gentle hand touching his face again. "I'm what you could call a spirit, although I shouldn't be telling you this."

Kouji blinked and looked at the transparent form of this stranger. "Are you real? Or am I dead?"

A sad expression overcame him. "Unfortunately, I'm only a dream. You don't believe in spirits, do you, Kouji?"

So this man couldn't be real? No, of course not. He didn't exist, except in this odd, vivid dream.

"If you're only a dream," he said then, lifting a hand to cup his cheek, "then there's no harm in my kissing you again."

"Iie," he returned softly. "No, I can't see that there is." And the beautiful stranger let him pull him closer this time, until the lean body lay atop him and their chests were pressed tight. The beautiful stranger was as light as a feather. Kouji wrapped his arms around the slender waist, and felt the touch of that sleek hair against the back of his hands. He kissed him deeply, parting his dream lover's lips with his tongue and probing inside that delicious mouth, tasting him. Wanting him. Needing him. It was a sensation like nothing he'd ever felt before. Not just physical desire. This was a hunger of the soul. A hunger only this man could assuage. He ran one hand down to his buttocks, and pressed him tighter to him as he feasted on the intoxicating flavor of his mouth.

And then, very gradually, Kouji felt himself fading, slipping slowly into a sleep that must rival heaven.

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

Hikou lifted himself from the bandit's wet body, taking his lips away, though it broke his heart to do so. He sat for only a moment, knowing he had to leave right away before the young bandit became lucid and realized he wasn't a figment of his imagination. But leaving him was the last thing he wanted to do.

He gazed down at Kouji, stroked his beautiful cobalt hair and his handsome face. It had been a miracle that he had overheard Houjun and Tasuki talking at the stronghold, else he would not have made it in time to catch the falling bandit. But being so despondent and close to death had enabled Kouji to see as well as hear him. He had never been so close to this young man, but Hikou had seen the sadness lingering in those beautiful green eyes. A deep hurt. He was lonely, and he had a good idea why.

"I do believe I love you, Kouji," he whispered. "And my only wish…my only wish is that I might have you for my own. I could heal those wounds you're hiding inside. I'd give anything…anything at all just to be alive again so that I could love you."

But it was a foolish wish, he knew. He had already died. And Kouji needed to keep living. It simply wasn't meant to be. He kissed his mouth once more, and then exited the cave, knowing that his old friend would eventually find Kouji. He returned to the enchanted mountain where he belonged. But he'd never be happy there. Never.