Notes: Moar big bro!Artemis fics, plzkthx.

...First time writing an Artemis Fowl fic, and oh god Artemis and Tales of the Abyss's Natalia should go join a club for "hardest dialogue ever."

Summary: Beckett is on a quest to find fairies. Artemis gets to be his bodyguard.

Artemis Fowl is property of Eoin Colfer. I do not claim any rights.

O Ye Folk of Lore

When Beckett creaked open his brother's bedroom door, stumbled up to the lifeless replica of his brother on the bed, and poked it, Artemis Fowl sat in his study, hunched over the finishing touches of a modification to his cell phone. Today's application was a motion sensor that sent off an alarm every time someone passed a designated spot. At the moment that spot was just beside Artemis's bed – the second a certain two-year-old Fowl stumbled inside and poked a dummy, Artemis's phone squealed.

Artemis knew the device was not lying to him – he'd set it up perfectly, without room for a single mistake. Okay, well, fine. A single mistake. But no more than that. It didn't matter, anyway; it wasn't as though the LEP would shrink Holly Short to the size of the average amoeba and have her infiltrate Artemis's bedroom, and then wait on the bed for him while he was obviously awake in his study (and if they did, that was a problem entirely of another kind). No; it was far more likely that there was, indeed, a trespasser. And that he wasn't wearing a diaper.

Artemis sighed and massaged his temples. This was not the first time that Beckett Fowl had broken into his older brother's quarters after lights out. Certainly, the last time the nanny had failed to tuck the twins in perfectly, Artemis had spent his night doing the job for her (he'd docked her pay, too, of course) and though Myles was easy to lull, Beckett was not so simple.

Like a good big brother, Artemis locked up his study and entered the bedroom slowly – if he surprised Beckett, there could be consequences. Like a nice yellow stain on Artemis's new bed sheets. Artemis was quite fond of his new bed sheets. His mother had bought them for him, and they were a plain shade of blue that according to Foaly's hack into his video diary, brought out his eye.

Fortunately, there were no accidents.

Beckett Fowl had climbed on top of Artemis's bed and was tearing up the replica. It was a plush thing, created so that if – in a moment of extremely good parenting – his parents were to check in on him, they would think that Artemis was asleep. But it wasn't an advanced thing at all; really, it was more or less an Artemis teddy-human. And Beckett enjoyed ripping stuffed animals apart with his teeth like some sort of ferocious feline.

"Beckett?" called Artemis, regarding the mess of polyester on his freshly carpeted rug with distaste. The boy on the bed did not hear him over his own thrashing and growling.

Artemis thought that it was kind of cute, in that aww, he looks like a miniature vicious animal! kind of way, but the mess was getting out of hand and it was definitely passed Beckett's curfew. He stepped forward and dutifully picked the boy up like some sort of rag doll, gripping him around the middle and holding him up to face him.

Wait, thought Artemis. He is not wearing a diaper, and this is one of my favorite shirts.

So Artemis turned him around and then started talking.

"Beckett," said Artemis, "What, if I may ask, are you doing?"

The boy squirmed in his brother's grip, and Artemis decided that since he now had Beckett's attention, it was okay to let him down. He did so, and Beckett faced him quickly with a mystified look in his eyes. "Artemis!" he exclaimed, as though only just noticing the teenager's presence. He started quickly, "I just saw—" but then he cut himself off, staring suspiciously behind Artemis's shoulder.

"What did you see?" asked Artemis, looking over his shoulder quizzically. There was nothing there; what was Beckett looking at?

"Sssh!" Beckett hushed him, bringing a chubby finger to his lips. "Artemis too loud! It'll hear you!"

Amused by his antics, Artemis whispered with a smile, "What will hear me?"

Beckett beckoned Artemis downward with one hand so that he could whisper it into his ear. Raising an eyebrow, Artemis kneeled. The toddler looked to the left, to the right, and then at Artemis with big, wide eyes. "The fairy!" he proclaimed, jumping up and down with excitement and fear and completely destroying the purpose of getting Artemis to ear level.

"Fairy?" asked Artemis, wondering if Holly really did shrink down and wait for him on his bed.

He was forced to immediately dismiss the thought when Beckett climbed onto his shoulders unannounced, promptly placing an amount of weight that Artemis definitely was not used to holding. The teenager sagged under his brother's weight and grunted.

There is a slim possibility that this is the most weight my back has ever held, thought Artemis. The attempted removal of the weight was fruitless; Beckett was comfortably seated, two stubby legs in Artemis's hair and two sticky hands clinging to his forehead. Artemis made a mental note to take a shower before sleeping tonight (if he did get to) – there was no telling what kind of strange substances Beckett got on his little hands.

"Over there!" he cried frantically, pointing wildly with one hand and clutching Artemis's head with the other. Ignoring Artemis's protests, he attempted to steer Artemis in the direction of the alleged fairy. "Artemis, look!"

"Beckett, I can not see if you insist on doing that to my face," Artemis said, sighing.

Apparently, Beckett did not hear him; he continued to scurry around on Artemis's head like a frantic squirrel and declare the existence of fairies. Artemis stood perfectly still, waiting for Beckett to calm down. After a moment or two, it was fairly obvious that this was not about to happen any time soon, so Artemis sighed again (I seem to do that a lot lately) and tried, "Beckett. Calm down."

Beckett did not calm down. "Artemis!" he squealed, "You don't understand! The fairy!" And then he hit the back of Artemis's head, meaning to get his brain to work fast enough and keep track of what was going on. Unfortunately, it didn't work – Artemis still couldn't see the fairy, because Beckett still hadn't moved his hands from Artemis's face, and, you know, there wasn't actually a fairy.

"Shouldn't you be asleep?" Artemis wondered aloud.

"Coffee," Beckett replied smoothly, then continued, "Okay. Okaaaaay. You can't see it, but it had to go to the bathroom. Hide! Right before it comes out the toilet'll go woooosh! And you jump on it 'cause Butler's sleeping, and I'll get the tape. Then we'll strap it to a lab table and Myles can do some 'speriments to see if it has myopia!"

"There are so many things wrong with that sentence," Artemis whispered urgently. "I don't think you know what myopia is. It is—"

He was cut short when Beckett growled and pulled at his hair, enough of an argument to get Artemis to shut up and hide behind the thin lamp in the corner of the room, which was apparently enough of a disguise for Beckett. They waited in silence to hear the toilet go woooosh, which would supposedly signal that the fairy was done with its business.

They waited.

And they waited.

And they waited…

"Beckett—"

"Sssssh! It takes them a reeeeeally long time."

And they continued to wait, and wait, and just about when Artemis began to lose all feeling in his shoulders, there was a sound—

Snooooore.

—but it wasn't the toilet going woooosh.

"Tomorrow," Artemis decreed five minutes later as he placed Beckett in bed and drew up the covers, "I am password protecting, encrypting, and adding a coating of medicine flavor over all of our caffeine."