Chapter Three: What Not to Do

Asher Tip #2: There are probably a thousand things you can come up with not to do in the zombie apocalypse. For everyone it may vary slightly. But living with zombies for the last few months, I've found that going with your heart usually ends up getting you killed. Do not, for the love of Arceus, listen to your heart. Despite what that one chick sang.

Louis: You know. I wonder if this kid or whatever he is, just comes up with this stuff on the fly.

Bill: Sure does seem like it.

THINGS NOT TO DO IN THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE (HOLY SHIT.)

Zoey: [Laughs] I could come up with so many things for this list.

1. Do not fucking scream. Do not do it. Zombies rely on hearing and smell to locate you. Well, some do. Some don't. You screaming is pretty much announcing to the entire zombie population that you want to be eaten. Well good for you. I know I sure as hell don't want to be eaten and chances are, neither do your partners. Do everyone a favor and cut out your tongue.

[GROUP LOOKS AWAY SLIGHTLY EMBARRASSED]

2. Do not waste ammo! There are only so many people in the world that know how to make bullets- and all of them are most likely trying to have your intestines for breakfast. Eventually bullets will run out. So conserve your bloody ammo. Though I don't recommend using guns, they do help when you need to slow down a zombie or thirty. Don't be the asshole that randomly discharges his/her weapon for shits and giggles and then alerts the entire United States to his/her whereabouts.

Francis: Speaking of bullets…

Louis: Don't even say it.

Francis: Say what? How do you know what I'm going to say?

Louis: I just know.

Zoey: We all know.

3. Do not be a hero! I'm so damn serious. If someone looks like they're going down, and you can't see any ending in which you escape alive, leave the bastard/bastardette! Even if you do see a slim chance of escaping, still leave them behind! Don't even think about trying to help them. I know you're thinking, "Holy ground zombie brains! This kid is a dick!", but it's so very true. In the zombie apocalypse it's you versus everyone else. Everyone else being both the undead and living alike.

Zoey: We've been "heroes" so many times.

Francis: Like that one time when we got surrounded by those Tanks.

Louis: Or the one time that guy kidnapped Zoey for repopulation…

[ZOEY GLARES]

4. Do not attack your teammates without probable cause. Once upon time there was a young man whose name may or may not have been Asher. Anyway, "Asher" thought that he and his fantastic group of zombie killing machines should take the long, scenic route to avoid the city. But, of course, there was that one person whose name may or may not have been "Gilbert", who didn't agree with "Asher". "Asher's" argument, though put disrespectfully, was completely valid. The argument escalated rather quickly. "Asher" ended up with a black and blue eye while "Gilbert" ended up with a bloody nose (which attracted every infected in the vicinity) and he was eaten alive. Long story short, don't attack your teammates because of an argument. You need them. Sure they may use you as a sacrifice for later, but until then, just don't do it. Probable cause would be, say, "Gilbert" trying to chop off a survivor's head for no apparent reason. Or in general, they're just trying to kill you.

[EVERYONE TURNS AT FRANCIS]

Francis: 'The hell you lookin' at me like that for?

Zoey: You know… the more I read this, the more I realize how much of a crappy person you are.

Francis: The more I read this, makes me realize how stupid you guys are.

5. Do not go into cities unless you absolutely have to. And I mean unless Arceus is going to descend from the heavens and blast you to bits if you don't go into the city. It's very hard to be stealthy in cities. The Undead lurk around pretty much every corner. Trying to find a decent, not perfect, just decent, resting spot is almost impossible. Plus, remember those psychopaths I mentioned on a while ago? Well, in cities there are malls and they like to flock to malls for some strange reason. Next time I meet one, I'll be sure to ask them why they do so, after I put a bullet through their skull. Anyway! Avoid those cities, people, at all cost. I can't stress this enough. Many have tried, a lot have failed and threw a fiesta to the zombies with their organs.

Louis: All right, what the hell is an "Arceus"? Is that some kind of God people worship?

Bill: Never heard of it before.

Louis: Man, I miss the internet.

Francis: I hate the internet.

Zoey: …You hate everything. And Louis, you only miss the internet because of porn. Don't deny it.

Louis: [Flustered] N-no!

6. Do not bring more than you can carry. Travel lightly! This isn't Skyrim, where you can just carry a crap load of things and fast travel places. Chances are at one point or another a horde of zombies is going to attack you and you'll have to run. Carrying something that is heavy will just slow you down and then you might as well kiss the world goodbye. If you are being chased and you have light bag, drop it anyway! It'll be of no use if you're dead. Maybe future survivors that cross your path will find it or something, so I guess that might be a good thing.

Bill: What's Skyrim?

Louis: No clue…

Zoey: Sounds like a video game or something…

7. Do not keep an infected person in your group. Holy mother of George A. Romero. This is probably the most important rule ever. You know how in the those zombie movies when someone gets bitten and there's that one person that's like "Oh you'll be okay" and everyone listens to that person and then probably thirty minutes in, that person turns into a zombie? Do not do that. I don't care if it's your brother, father, fiancé, childhood friend- shoot that motherfucker in the head! Shoot them! There is no damn cure. They will not miraculously recover! What they will do, however, is turn into a zombie and eat out your organs. Put an end to the problem before it happens. Stop it! This is survival of the fittest at its finest. It's a mass Hunger Game, and you, sir or ma'am- maybe even it, are right in the bloody middle of it. So suck it up, kill/ditch anyone that has been infected and call it a day. Go raid a grocery store or something.

Louis: Why would someone do something so… stupid?

Zoey: People have the mentality that they'll be saved like in the movies, like whatshisface just stated.

Bill: I haven't seen a lot of these zombie movies you kids are talkin' about, but that is really FUBAR. In the war we didn't sit around and wait to be rescued. We fought.

Francis: [Rolls eyes] Here we go again.

8. Do not travel at night. Unless you absolutely have to. You'd think traveling at night would be 100 times safer, but in retrospect it really isn't, unless you're out in the Middle of damn Nowhere. I mean the Middle of Nowhere. You know, like in Courage the Cowardly Dog, one of the greatest shows ever created. Anyway. Unless you have night vision goggles or something of that sort, your visibility decreases drastically. A zombie could be stalking you in the darkness. By the time you realize, it might be too late. It'll send you and/or your group into a panic fast, trying to figure out where the threat is coming from. So just don't go out at night. That solves all the problems.

Louis: We've broken quite a bit of these rules. He'd be ashamed of us.

Zoey: Somewhere, "Asher" is crying because of our natural instincts.

Bill: 'n I wouldn't doubt it.

9. Do not go to the mall. I learned this the hard way. Remember those cultists I was talking about back in the first section? Well, my first run in was with one at a mall down. They asked to me to join their cult and I flat out said no. Well, not flat out. I was a little disrespectful. This was before I had a group, mind you. They tried to sacrifice me to their so called "God". Thankfully a Tank broke through the wall and saved the day. Kind of… because after it was done with them, it turned its sights on me. Not a good memory. Maybe like… four weeks later, after I got one person in my little posse, I decided to go into another mall. It still didn't end well. This guy in Abercrombie and Fitch was determined to be the last living human on the earth and in order to do that, he had to kill us. Since I'm here writing this, you can see that I survived. Maybe I just have shitty luck with malls. I don't know. Right, another reason not to go into a mall is because you do not have access keys to all of the maintenance doors. So if a zombie is chasing you and you need to get out quick, you turn to a door that says "Employees Only" only to find it is locked, you are beyond fucked.

Louis: Damn that must suck.

Francis: To be saved by a Tank? Hell yeah.

Louis: No, not that. To be almost sacrificed. Why would getting saved by a Tank suck?

Francis: It's probably not there to save you, if you know what I mean.

10. Do not leave the goddamn house, Carl!

Bill: I don't get it.

Zoey: Me either.

Louis: Maybe it's an inside joke or something.

Francis: [Scoffs] Doesn't even give us an explanation for it.

Abide by these rules and you'll live longer.

…Maybe.

"Maybe?" Louis raises an eyebrow at the book, then looks over at his companions.

Aeroga: Merry Christmas! I mean… uh… Merry Update! I finally got my computer fixed and when I was going through the word documents I found this! Anyway, a bit of questions for you lot. One, should Asher make an appearance? Two, anyone know what number 10 is from? Three, what would you like to see in Asher's Book of Magical Wonder? (I.E. Cultists/Psychopath Section, Optimal Resting Places, Food: What to Bring and What Not to Bring, What's Your Weapon of Choice?, etc.) Feel free to leave a suggestion in your review.