Time After Time
Disclaimer: "K-ON!" the manga and anime and the song "Time After Time" belong to Kakifly, Kyoto Animation and Cyndi Lauper respectively.
Summary: Ritsu didn't want to leave her, but it just wasn't up to her anymore.
Rating: M – for sexual content and depressing stuff
Twenty-eight.
It was such a young age to die.
Ritsu let out a small sigh as she stared listlessly at the empty white ceiling. She had been staying in the hospital for over two months now and she could feel her strength leaving her as the days wore on. She had been falling asleep much more frequently and for long stretches at a time. Because of this, she always seemed to find herself alone, with only the blank face of the ceiling to greet her.
It wasn't that Ritsu didn't notice that her friends still dropped by. She could see traces of their presence in the fruits and little oddities (such as strings of small paper cranes in various colors that seemed to multiply with each passing day) that they brought. But she rarely got to see their faces anymore.
Not even her lover, Mio.
Ritsu knew that Mio had been busy trying to make ends meet, especially with the costs of hospitalization, and of course that impending sordid affair. This practical side of Mio was one of the things that had endeared her to Ritsu but as they had started living together, it had also pissed her off. When Ritsu wanted passion, more often than not, this cool practicality came in between them.
She shook her head to clear her thoughts. Being in bed for so long had made her too introspective.
As she continued staring at the ceiling, she winced as she felt a hollow pain burning in her chest, like acid corroding her heart. It used to keep Ritsu up for many nights but as her strength gradually left her, numbness had set in. Thus it surprised her to feel it again now.
She knew that the pain had nothing to do with her illness, but more of the knowledge of the impending end that she never wished for.
When the doctor first told her that her days were numbered, Ritsu had laughed it off. She insisted that other tests be made. She even went to other doctors. But when they all told her the same thing, she reacted in anger, throwing anything, everything that she could lay her hands on. It was unfair. Why did it have to be her, when she had so much to live for? She still had so much to learn with her drums, so many good times to share with her friends, so many places to go to, so many things to experience... together with the person she was so in love with.
It was true that they had been together since they were little, and yet for Ritsu, it seemed like they had only been really together in the almost eight years that they were lovers.
Eight years.
It was such a short length of time for people in love.
-oOo-
When Ritsu woke up hours later, she found a pool of soft black hair beside her, and the face she loved so well just a few inches away from her. Ritsu could feel the warm rhythmical breathing of the woman on her neck and it pained her as much as it comforted her.
She tried to reach out to caress the pale face. She managed to let her fingers whisper touches on her lover's soft skin. This brief contact made Ritsu happier than she had been in days.
She had been at a loss on what to do around her. When Ritsu was still angry at the realization that she would die soon, she shut everybody out, including her lover. She would stay in their bed, her face on the wall, ignoring the words and touches of the raven-haired woman. She must have understood Ritsu's need to be alone because she never imposed herself on her. She would just stay there, calling out softly when it was time to eat (which Ritsu oftentimes ignored). Sometimes she would touch her tentatively, and if Ritsu gave any slight indication that she didn't want to be touched, she would back away.
But even with this gentleness, the rage and pain that Ritsu felt inside would overflow. One night when Mio told her that it was time for dinner, Ritsu ignored her and drew the blankets closer to her.
"Ritsu, you have to eat something. You haven't had anything for two days now."
"I'm not hungry."
She seemed to hesitate on what to say next but eventually she persisted, "Ritsu, you have to have some nourishment—"
"I said I'm not hungry!" Ritsu wrenched the blankets away from her and turned towards the other woman. "Why can't you just leave me alone! You don't understand anything! You—"
Tears had formed in the black-haired woman's eyes, which she hastily wiped away. But Ritsu also saw that her eyes were red, as if she had been crying all the time. Her face was pale and wan, her figure thinner than Ritsu remembered.
Ritsu turned away and laid herself back on the bed, with her face on the wall. She closed her eyes and tried to erase the burning image of her sad lover from her mind. Thankfully, fatigue and weakness set in and she fell asleep.
Later that night, when Ritsu woke up drenched in sweat after having a nightmare of getting lost in a desolate land, with only darkness and silence for her company, she found her lover sleeping beside her, still in her shirt and jeans, ready to go anywhere to get anything that Ritsu might have wanted.
It was that gentle understanding that broke the wall of Ritsu's rage and anger.
Ritsu could feel the sobs rising from her chest and she just had to go somewhere, away from this loving kindness she didn't feel she deserved. She quietly left their apartment, keeping the painful throbbing in her chest from breaking out.
She went to a convenience store, bought a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, and then walked towards the park where she smoked for a while. It was still summer, and the air wasn't so cold. She knew that smoking in her state wasn't a good idea but it was her only comfort in solitude. As she breathed in the acrid smoke, she could feel warmth coursing down her throat and then to her lungs. After five sticks, she felt warm inside.
She looked up at the clear night sky and saw the stars that hadn't been drowned out by the painfully glaring city lights. She had oftentimes wondered how these stars struggled to keep their presence known even with the merciless passage of time that brought with it the suffocating lights trying to claim the night sky as their own. Sometimes she thought that she and her friends were like these stars. They were just a small band, playing together only because they were having fun. They didn't aim for wealth and fame. Even when so many people offered them contracts, they refused because they didn't like to be constricted by schedules and be pressured to playing. They've been told often enough that they were letting their talents go to waste. But they didn't mind.
Just being together was enough.
It wasn't asking too much and yet, even that couldn't be granted.
When Ritsu finally went back to the apartment, she found Mio sitting on the gate, hugging her knees and her head resting on her arms. The sight made Ritsu's heart constrict with pain. The black-haired woman didn't look up as Ritsu approached so the latter assumed she was asleep. The amber-eyed woman gently shook the sleeping woman's shoulder.
"Mio," Ritsu called out gently.
The black-haired woman made s slight movement as she woke up from her slumber. As her sight cleared and she could make out her lover's face, she burst into tears. She enclosed the shorter woman in a bear hug. "Ritsu you idiot! I was so worried... I thought you had gone somewhere... I couldn't f-follow..."
As Ritsu felt her lover's warm shaking body against hers, she couldn't help but feel the rising need to pull her closer, to go inside her. It wasn't just desire, that much she was sure. It was a mixture of so many things, of so many tempestuous emotions that had built up inside her and that she had to release. So she pulled away only to take the taller woman's face in her hands and crushing her lips against hers in a violent kiss.
Ritsu could see that Mio wasn't resisting. When she had pulled the other woman back to their room, Mio followed, not with eagerness, but with meekness that was so unlike her. Ritsu hastily took off her lover's shirt (and almost ripping it in the process), pulling down her jeans and removed her underwear until that pale, well-shaped body was before her in its beautiful nakedness. But whereas before, she would take her time taking in the sight of those perfectly round breasts with the pink nipples erect, the gentle curve of the sides of that flat stomach, the wide, inviting hips and those long slim legs, Ritsu immediately began kissing her lover passionately. She didn't bother taking off her own clothes and she knew the sensation of her black turtleneck and her skin-tight jeans must have felt harsh against her lover's bare delicate skin. But she didn't care.
She forced her way inside her lover's mouth, licking the inside, as if trying desperately to find pleasure which seemed to elude her. She didn't take her time there and instead started to trail kisses from Mio's mouth to her chin, and then to her neck, and then to her breasts. She began sucking on her lover's breast as she let her hand travel downwards between Mio's legs. She started stroking the gray-eyed woman's clit and found that she wasn't wet enough.
She then let go of the gray-eyed woman's nipple and proceeded to kiss her inner thigh, licking her way through until she was in the apex between her legs. She continued tracing her tongue on the folds of sensitive skin until she thought it was enough to facilitate entry. She inserted her finger inside of her lover and she felt her tense with pain. She continued kissing her lover's clit, in a lame attempt to make it easier for her. But the knot of emotions inside of her overrode any feeling of compassion, concern and consideration and she jammed another finger inside. She saw Mio grasp the bed sheets, trying not to cry out. It broke Ritsu's heart and she proceeded sliding her fingers gently, all the while kissing her lover's delicate areas with utmost tenderness until the little spasms culminated to a cry.
Ritsu withdrew her fingers wet with Mio's essence and she finally looked at her lover's face. Tears were still flowing from her clear gray eyes and Ritsu realized how much she must have hurt her. The amber-eyed woman rested her head between her lover's breasts and asked in a voice that was barely a whisper.
"Have I hurt you?"
In between shallow gasps for breath, Mio answered in an equally soft voice, "I... don't know... how much you are hurting... and the least I can do... is to be of some use to you... to ease your pain..."
Ritsu burst into tears at these words and she let her tears gather into a hot pool on the hollow between her lover's breasts. She couldn't help but think if Mio was being nice to her only because she was going to die. Ritsu was suddenly overwhelmed by feelings of anger, hurt and pain. But as Mio gently enclosed her in an embrace, she felt everything melt away and she was only conscious of her lover's heartbeat, lulling her to sleep.
They stayed that way, falling asleep in each other's arms.
-oOo-
When Mio woke up, she found clear amber eyes, almost covered by the long brown bangs, looking at her. The nurses had advised them that tying back the sick woman's bangs, or wearing a headband would be better. But Ritsu would hear nothing of it. After all, Mio loved her best with her bangs down.
"Ritsu you're awake," Mio murmured sleepily.
"Yes. You're tired, aren't you?"
Mio laughed. "Not so much."
"What have you been up to?"
"Just sorting out the technical stuff."
"I want to hear about that."
Mio squeezed the shorter woman's small hand. "It will just bore you."
"But I haven't seen you for such a long time." Ritsu pouted. "Please, Mio-chuan."
Mio laughed and kissed the other woman affectionately. "I haven't heard that in a while."
Mio then recounted how she had travelled back and forth just to get an advance in her salary and the tiring rides she had to make. She was continuing in this vein when she noticed that Ritsu was closing her eyes. She squeezed her hand again. "See, you're not even listening," she chided.
"I am! I'm listening to your voice." Ritsu grinned. "You're right, your story is pretty boring."
Mio shook her head. "Ritsu you idiot," she mumbled with a small smile.
"Hey Mio, I want to go for a walk."
Mio looked at her curiously. "Are you sure? Aren't you weak?"
"I've wanted to go to the garden for so long but I didn't want to go alone, or with a nurse."
"Maybe we should ask the nurse first."
Ritsu's brows crinkled in irritation but she let the other woman go to search for the nurse and make her inquiry. After a few minutes, she was back.
"She said it's all right."
She gently helped her lover to her feet, letting her rest her weight on the taller woman as they slowly walked in the hallway, towards the garden outside.
As they seated themselves on one of the gray stone benches, Ritsu couldn't help but think how life was so achingly beautiful.
"Hey Mio let's make every second count," Ritsu said brightly. Almost too brightly. "We're running out of time so let's try to make every second, every moment special."
"Ritsu?"
"Let's go to the beach! We've always held our summer training camp there, right? We can ask Mugi if she can spare a vacation house. It's been quite a while, don't you think? We've all been busy with our jobs but I guess we can always spare a day to be together. And perhaps we should also go to a concert. We used to go to those a lot. I'm also thinking of skiing but winter is still too far away and maybe I won't make it 'til then. So what else can we do? How about we go on a food trip and travel all over Japan? I'm sure there are still a lot of good food we haven't tried. Or maybe we can just stay at home and I'll try to cook for you, all those weird dishes in the recipe books. That sounds good, right? But hey Mio, you haven't said anything. Which would you want to do first? I think I can fix a timeline later. And then I'll show it to the doctor and I think she'd agree. Who can refuse a dying person's wishes, right? Right?" Ritsu turned towards the other woman, with that bright smile still plastered in her face. "Mio?"
Mio had covered her face with her hands as Ritsu rambled on about her plans.
"A-Ah, it didn't sound good, right? Sorry. You know we can always change those plans. Just say what you want to do and I'd be fine with it. Mio?"
The black-haired girl still didn't raise her face.
"Mio, there are barnacles crawling up—"
"Please don't force yourself."
"What?"
"You don't have to force yourself..." Mio looked at her with a pained expression. "Don't go on so fast... It's okay if we just... take things slow."
The smile on Ritsu's face faded slightly. "What do you mean? Don't you want to do all those things?"
"Just being with you... right now... is enough..."
Ritsu fell silent and took to looking at the garden spread out before her. Seeing the trees, grass and flowers still growing, still blossoming as if their will to live was enough to lend color and beauty to such a sad world, made Ritsu's eyes sting with tears. She would be lying if she said that she had fully accepted her fate. She still didn't. She still wanted to live.
This didn't go unnoticed to the gray-eyed woman sitting beside her. Mio let her arm drape around the shorter woman, drawing her closer, without saying a word.
They sat there in silence, staring at the sight before them, so full of life and promises. It burned their eyes and in their cages of sadness and loneliness, the two women failed to see how they were so similar in their suffering.
"Hey, Mio."
"Yes?"
"Before... all these happened... what had we been doing?"
Mio looked at the other woman curiously. "What do you mean?"
"I mean," Ritsu lowered her head, letting her bangs cover her eyes. She continued in a soft voice, "Were we happy?"
"Of course we were," Mio answered firmly. She held the other woman closer to her. "Of course we were."
"But we were fighting, weren't we?"
"Couples fight sometimes. It's part of any relationship."
"But we fight far too often..."
"It's normal Ritsu."
"What had we been fighting about again?" Ritsu asked, as if she didn't hear anything.
Seeing that the amber-eyed girl was not going to let the topic drop, Mio let out a sigh. She let a few minutes pass by before she spoke. "We were fighting about the bills."
"I spent too much on food, didn't I? And I keep forgetting to turn off the lights when I go out. I leave the TV on until I fall asleep and I keep the air-conditioner on when I get too lazy to go out."
"Ritsu..."
"I also bought all these useless stuff, some to please you but you were never really happy with them since they cost too much," the amber-eyed continued as if she wasn't interrupted. Her voice was slowly getting louder but at the same time, it sounded so close to breaking. "I bought a lot of manga too. Oh and I also bought all these video tutorials on different drumming techniques. And I also bought a lot of DVDs."
"Ritsu..."
"And you know, I also bought all those recipe books which you said... were too many for me... to try them all out... in my lifetime..." Tears had began flowing from her eyes and she could no longer suppress her sobs. "You were right, Mio... I wouldn't have been able to... try them all out... in my lifetime..."
The black-haired woman wrapped her arms around the shaking figure of her lover. She held her so close, like she was afraid that if she didn't hold her tight enough, the brown-haired girl would break into pieces. "Ritsu, I'm sorry," she murmured.
"And... and... we fought about my job before that too... right? I wasn't... trying h-hard enough..."
"Shh, we've already resolved that."
"And before that... we fought when... you found out... I still smoked sometimes... and we also fought about... my being too... sloppy... in everything..." Ritsu buried her face in Mio's neck. "A-All we ever do... is fight..."
"You're wrong, Ritsu. It's true we fight a lot but we did have good times together. Remember the time when we went to the carnival together with Yui, Mugi and Azusa? You made me ride the 'Anchors Away' and I ended throwing up in the bushes." Mio laughed softly. "And do you also remember the time when we went on that trip to Nagano just to eat at that soba place. It was so far but the soba was really good. And then we also went to the park and we saw one family and... w-we agreed to..." Mio trailed off as she realized her blunder. She dug her fingers deeper into the other woman's body as she tried to keep the tears from spilling from her eyes.
Ritsu pulled away as she felt the other woman trembling. Even in her own anguish, it still pained her to see her lover cry. As she tried to wipe away Mio's tears, she said weakly, "Geez Mio... I should be the one being comforted..."
"I-I'm sorry..."
Seeing her cry made Ritsu feel that familiar warmth in her chest, the warmth that seemed to have been slowly fading as the years wore on. At the same time, a sharp pain cut her inside as that doubt that she had been vainly trying to push aside loomed larger than ever. That lingering doubt that perhaps Mio had only stayed because of habit, or worse, because of pity.
And the thought effectively killed all the emotions that Ritsu had just been feeling. Her expression became cold and stony. She let the gray-eyed girl cry herself out, without even making any attempt to comfort her. When Mio's sobs finally subsided, Ritsu spoke.
"Mio, please be honest with me."
"Ritsu?"
"We were falling apart, weren't we?"
Mio instinctively opened her mouth to object but saw how serious Ritsu was. After a few moments, she answered quietly, "Yes, we were."
"Were we falling out of love?"
"No!" Mio answered vehemently. And after a few moments, she asked in a voice that seemed too afraid to hear an answer, "Were you?"
"I guess we are just too different." The brown-haired woman's voice was low and achingly sad. Mio stared at her, her heartbeat slowing as she anticipated a revelation.
"But... I did love you Mio..."
Mio felt everything coming to a halt. Color was drained from her face and she could only stare at brown-haired woman who was still not looking at her.
"I still do." Ritsu turned to face her. "And I guess something good did come out of all this. It made me realize again how much I love you." She looked away again, as if not expecting any reaffirmation from the black-haired woman.
That action tore Mio inside. Tears came stinging to her eyes and despite her attempts to control them, they traced their way down her cheeks and she could only managed in between her muffled sobs, ""Ritsu you i-idiot... why are you always like... t-this?"
"Mio?"
"W-Why are you always... acting like you're... the only one... in love? H-Haven't I showed you... enough proof... in these years that we've been... t-together how much... I love you too? Do you think I... w-would have stayed... if I didn't? I love you, you idiot! I love you so much... it hurts..."
The other woman just looked at her in silence, an unreadable expression on her face.
"Why won't you believe it? I'm not saying all these because of the things that are happening... I-It's true that... we f-fight a lot... it's true that I... I've had my doubts at f-first... but damn it Ritsu, I love you! I'm madly, ridiculously, frustratingly in love with you... You are so important to me that I can't think of not having you around... Y-You are the air that I breathe... the rhythm of my life... you are everything that holds me together! And... even if... things have been... hard... there's no one else in this... whole world that I'd rather be with! Don't you get it? I loved you... I love you... and I will always love you... time after time..."
The heavy silence punctuated by Mio's sobbing was broken as Ritsu laughed softly. "Wow, that made me itch."
"Ritsu you idiot!" Mio's fist came crashing down on her lover's head before she could stop herself. Realizing what she had done, she wrapped her arms around the amber-eyed woman wincing in pain. "Oh my god Ritsu I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! I—"
Ritsu just buried her face in the gray-eyed woman's shoulder. "Shh. I'm fine." They stayed in this position, basking in each other's comfortable warmth without speaking.
"I'm sorry Mio. I believe you," Ritsu murmured. She snuggled closer to her lover. "It's just that... I had thought that you might have stopped loving me... or you might have loved me less... because," here she lowered her voice in apologetic embarrassment, "I am not what you had always dreamed of."
"Idiot... you are infinitely better than any dream I've ever had," the gray-eyed woman whispered as she kissed the top of the head of the woman in her arms.
"Mio."
"Hm?"
"Thank you for loving me."
(end.)
Author's Note: Although "Time After Time" was composed by Cyndi Lauper, I was actually listening to Eva Cassidy's version.
I just realized that although each of the tracks can stand on its own, they have to be read together to get the bigger picture. Especially since I don't think I can fit their relationship in just one story. And I don't think I'd be doing any fic set earlier than their univ days since I think the series has covered those times well enough.
I was using the Kübler-Ross model for the stages of grief that Ritsu was going through—denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. But I didn't use them all. I've been using Mio's POV for the first two tracks, then Mugi's and now I'm using Ritsu's! Even if Mugi plays a big role in some of the tracks, rest assured this is mainly a Mio x Ritsu fic. But I'm trying to get the real feel here, especially since Mio and Ritsu are so different, things won't go smoothly for them.
I might end up revising the earlier chapters as I go along since everything is still taking shape. And I'm sorry if things are ending up way too angsty. I'm still summoning my fluffy side.
For the record, this track was supposed to go before "Je t'aime" but this has taken me so long. Hehe. No matter. All's good. And I'm seriously, seriously going to work on my acad stuff so no updates for a while. Sorry.
Some of you may have noticed but I changed my username a couple of times. I was "Blood Garnet Feather" for a few years and then I became "Awkward Platypus" and now I'm "Awkward Turtleduck." I think I'll be sticking to this name for good. Besides turtleducks are so cute, even if they're... awkward-looking.
And I recommend the movie "Things You Can Tell Just By Looking at Her." It consists of five stories and one of those stories involve a lesbian couple and one of them has a terminal illness. That story was short, sweet and poignant.
I also want to hear what stages of Mio x Ritsu x Mugi's relationship you guys want to read about. I already have some in my head but they won't reach 25 yet. Also, if you can suggest songs for those stages, I'll be happy to oblige.
Haha I'm getting to be real talkative. Seeing that the previous track was well-received made me so happy (oh crap, tears in my eyes) and also I felt a bit pressured to give my best. This story was meant as some sort of stress reliever for me, especially since the school year is ending soon (and I'm not graduating when I should).
Oh and this is my first M-rated fic. Sorry it's also depressing. I'd really like to hear how I've fared in my attempt.
I'll try my best to make a happier fic next time. But it will take a while. Hehe.
Thank you for your reviews! They keep me inspired. So keep them coming. :3