Monster that I am

Disclaimers and warnings: do not own the character names in this story. Do own plot and personalities.

A/N: Finally, the promised extra lemon ending. Unlike in my past stories that actually had a lemon, I tried very hard not to make it a trashy, porn-centered chapter so I threw in (ahem, quite) a bit of funny dialogues. Hope you enjoy this and hope at the end of it you have a smile on your face.

Inspiration credit: E.T. by Katy Perry, Tonight (I'm lovin' you) by Enrique Iglesias ft. Ludacris, and Come on Get Higher by Matt Nathanson, one mention of Jason Mraz.

"Welcome aboard…flight o-seven…traveling from Tucson, Arizona to Miami, Flo…"

The airplane engines rang their way across the cabin attendant's words. She paused midway looking at him with extra attention, apparently checking his seat belt. He smiled a small smile at her in between annoyance and nervousness; she smiled back, flushed.

Half an hour ago, his mother was just standing with him before the departure gate with his father. She was all torn up, and his father was not smiling.

"Oh, my Roxas…" She sniffed once more from her handkerchief, and put her arms around him. He wanted to roll his eyes. "I'm going to miss you! Are you sure you don't want to stay here?"

"Mom, I'm going to grad school there." Roxas laughed helplessly.

"I know, I just…" She let go of him. "I thought that was done and over with in California."

"Bet you're trying to conquer one state after another, eh?" His father tried again with his dry humor, and patted him on the arm. Roxas smiled with a shrug. His father reached up to pat his head. "Such a big boy now. Bigger than me!"

Indeed he was taller than his father now, and the economy-sized seats had become uncomfortable for him, but no matter how tall he grew, he was never taller than the man who now stood before him.

Neither of them knew how exactly to greet each other. His fellow passengers behind were rapidly flowing through and melding into the rest of the populace in the arrival lobby. Only this guy—stood out in the crowd with his abnormally tall height and flame-like hair; and he was too busy doing something on his phone too to notice people staring at him, until he looked up and met eyes with Roxas.

Seeing as they could not figure out what to say, Axel held out his hand to offer taking Roxas' luggage for him. Then Roxas was the first to say, "Thanks."

Roxas remembers this car. He remembers how he cried and cried in here for the same person who is now driving the car. That was the first trip down Memory Lane that day. Then he remembered a favor he was asked of from Demyx.

"I went by Demyx's house before heading to the airport," He pulled out his phone and began to flip through the photos, "Look at his baby girl all grown up now."

Axel lifted his eyes from the road and to the lively child pictured. A smile spread across his face. They've been talking on the phone for hours on end every week for the past year but this was the first time Roxas saw his smile for real.

Axel's apartment was a modest one-bedroom apartment on the upper floor of a complex (though it used to be the studio unit downstairs, so he said, until Roxas asked about moving in, and Axel had the landlord move him into the vacant room upstairs) situated in a quiet working class neighborhood. As Roxas struggled to get his luggage up the cement stairs, he saw two men squatted far over around the corner of the parking lot. They eyed the blond and leered at him, then proceeded to perform an indecent gesture with the cigarette in their mouths.

"Rox, let go."

Roxas snapped out of his stare, "Huh?" Axel had one hand on his luggage and the other hand on the bottom of it.

"Let go, I'll take it." Axel said.

"Oh." Roxas did as Axel told. He could feel those two shaggy-clothed guys leering at him again. Axel looked over his shoulder and frowned.

"Come on, get inside." He placed a hand on Roxas' shoulder and moved the blond up the stairs and into the door, then he brandished his middle finger at the two men.

"Axel!" Roxas caught the redhead's gesture and complained after they were both indoors.

"What?"

"They could've had a gun." Roxas said.

"Are you worried?" Axel asked as he put down the luggage in his arms.

"I don't know; should I be?" Roxas questioned back, arms crossed.

"Hey, relax." Axel touched the sides of Roxas' arms. "They know who I am. They wouldn't fuck with me."

"And I suppose I should be grateful?" Roxas let out a helpless breath and grabbed his luggage, heading for the bedroom. His remark left a sigh and a frown on Axel, who went into the kitchen for a cup of water, but the bottle of water in the fridge was becoming devoid of water, and he reckoned they'd have to head to a supermarket soon.

"Look, Rox, are you—" Axel turned around towards the bedroom, where Roxas emerged from the door, flushed.

"There's only one bed in there." The blond said. One giant, queen-sized bed.

"Yeah, I switched out my old one." Axel said. "You can't possibly think we'd fit in a twin bed, do you?"

"We're gonna…?" Roxas stopped himself before he could ask. His furious blush was the final clue to hit Axel.

Crossed in between a blush and a laugh, Axel held Roxas' cheek and kissed him. He noticed Roxas' considerable height growth, and the long curled dirty blond lashes when he closed his blue eyes.

It wasn't that they hadn't done it before—they shared their first night at the hotel in Ginza that night two years ago. But it was the prospect of sleeping in the same bed everyday with each other from now on that made it hard for Roxas to spit out the words.

"What did you want to ask me about?" Roxas said upon opening his eyes.

"Hm?" Axel raised his brows.

"You were about to ask me if I…?"

"Oh," Axel said. "Are you sure you're okay with living here?" He looked down at his fingers. Roxas eyed his movements. "It's a pretty drastic change of neighborhood, after all." The redhead looked up around the pragmatically neat apartment and avoided Roxas' gaze. "I can't find a better place, because, well… you know, a lot of landlords do background checks."

"Look, if I wasn't ready I wouldn't be here." Roxas said, and grabbed Axel's hands. "But… have you ever thought about petitioning for expungement?"

Axel's face seemed to sink in expression. He'd been through this with his lawyer.

"It's possible with Arizona Statue. They call it 'setting aside' but it's the same thing." Roxas continued. "I checked about it. If you—"

"I know it's possible, Rox." Axel turned away from the blond and grabbed a soft drink from the fridge. "It's just a matter if it's the right thing to do."

"What do you mean if it's the right thing to do?" Roxas frowned. "Axel, you were the victim—"

"Was I, really?" His green eyes pierced to the heart of Roxas. "Because even I don't know. I just can't imagine not living with it for the rest of my life—They're going to erase it, Rox. Like it never happened. How am I supposed to pretend that it never happened?"

"It was more than ten years ago, Axel." Roxas said. "And it wasn't your fault, okay? Even if it was, you've already paid your price. You've finished your sentence. It's time you stop blaming yourself for what happened—" Even as he said this, he knew that they both knew at the age of thirty Axel needn't Roxas to tell him what he ought to do. "And it's time you stop letting her death drag on your life. You're with the living. You've got to start living." That was the whole reason why he moved in here—to start a life with Axel here, in this little apartment in Miami, Florida. He had wanted to accompany Axel on his new step in restarting life.

"I'm going to take a drive." Axel said and put down the drink in his hand onto the kitchen counter, and headed out the door. Roxas covered his face in an expression of pain.

Axel sighed loudly as he thumped his forehead onto the steering wheel of his car. Roxas was right. He knew Roxas was right and they'd been through this a couple times. He was as confused as Roxas and perhaps his lawyer on just why the heck he was afraid of trying. He looked up at the front door of his apartment. It had been more than ten years. Roxas is here, now, moving in. What else can he ask for?

With another sigh, he kicked in the gear and started down the driveway.

"Yes, I'm fine, Mom. The flight got here just fine." He softly said. His ears were filled with either the noise around his mother's voice or the sizzling sound from the saucepan he was sautéing zucchini with. "I'm making dinner. I said I'm making dinner. No, no, he probably doesn't. I don't know. He's gone out for now. Um, yeah, sure—he's a research student too. He, uh, he's studying, um, business, I think. Something to do with business. Yeah, he's totally fine. Mom. Mom. I trust him, okay? He's a friend of Sora's. Ryan. His name is Ryan. Okay. Okay, see you."

"Was that your mother?" Axel closed the door quietly behind him. His voice startled Roxas but Roxas didn't turn around from the cooking range.

"Yeah… uh, yeah." He poured raw chicken into another saucepan. "She called to see how I was."

"And…?" Axel put the keys down onto the coffee table. This was something that always amazed him—they could always talk like nothing happened after an argument.

"And… she thinks my roommate is a business grad student named Ryan at Florida International U." Roxas said.

"Ryan?" Axel almost chuckled. "At least business wasn't a bad choice."

"It was because you said you're the store manager of the second branch of the gift store you were working at. Business was the first thing that came to my mind after that." Roxas sniffed, face still turned away from Axel. "And Ryan was a mutual childhood imaginary friend of mine and Sora's."

Axel really chuckled out loud this time. Roxas did too but Axel heard there was a sob to it. Axel frowned and stepped into the kitchen, stopping Roxas' arms with his hand. He tipped Roxas' face towards him, and saw dried tear treks.

With pain in his heart he kissed Roxas on the lips, and on the dried tears, and on the lips again.

"I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't have brought it up again—I…" Roxas began. "And I'm not any better myself, can't tell my mom who I'm really with…"

"Hey, hey." Axel cupped the sides of Roxas' head gently with his palms. "That's not something you can control. There's nothing we can do about how she thinks."

"I know, but…" Roxas closed his eyes and accepted the chaste kisses Axel planted onto his forehead and cheeks and lips. "I just want you to be happier…"

"I know. I know, Rox." Axel said. "I called my lawyer. He said he'd help me start the setting-aside procedures."

Roxas looked at Axel somewhat surprised. Axel grinned and meshed his lips onto Roxas'. Axel's lips felt good; it wasn't just that they were soft or anything—he was good with them. He knew how not to overwhelm Roxas and still keep the kiss going.

"Mm, mm, Axel, Axel!" Roxas broke apart for a gasp of air and, "The switch." His eyes glanced over to the switches of the cooktop, which were still on. Axel smirked and turned them off.

One step, two steps, three steps back. Break for air, and Axel pulled his shirt off. They met again at the lips. Roxas pulled their bodies together so he could better feel the radiating heat from Axel. Even the air became moist and warm. A wet warm tongue travels down the side of his neck. He could feel—

"Don't bite—"

Roxas could feel teeth grazing his neck ever so lightly. So much for hoping to meet his professor without sporting a hickey or wearing a turtleneck in mid-summer Florida weather. His shoulder blades contracted as if wings were growing out of them and his shirt was up up and off. He cried out as soon as Axel sucked on his left nipple. He was hit with a nausea, the kind you get when blood rushes to your head. Work downward, and further down—

And back up at the lips. Roxas almost let out a frustrated groan. Revenge: defeat Axel's tongue.

"I never asked—" Axel heaves out. Their first and only night was back in Japan. Had no time for questions. "How many people…" Roxas' revenge does not stop after the surrender of his victim. "…have you done this with?"

Roxas almost wanted to stop at that question, though it didn't deter his efforts. "Honestly, you're going to ask me that question right now?"

"I wanna know." Hands poised, keep touching. Nibble his ear, like Jason Mraz sings.

"I lost—I didn't keep track." Roxas answered.

He lost? What did he mean "he lost"—

"You lost track?" Axel almost laughed.

"Didn't. I said 'didn't.'"

"You suck at lying." Axel said. Roxas finally stopped kissing his abs, and looked into green eyes. The room sinks away as Axel pushed him onto the bed. "You man-whore."

"Hm, you wish, baby. There were no more than five of them." Roxas hummed out as Axel worked down his body again. "And besides, they never got to do the whole—" Another stop before he let himself slip. All red. Axel smirked.

"Do the whole what?" So this was what it felt to have 'special privilege'.

"Damn."

"The whole…?"

"The whole damn thing!" Roxas hid his burning face behind arms. He was dangerously close to becoming crazy.

"As in?"

"As in put your dick in my ass and fuck me until I bleed!"

Axel laughed and climbed back on top of Roxas. "Maybe not the bleeding, that sounds a bit creepy."

"Fuck you."

"Oh, I will, until you 'come'. That sounds more appetizing."

"Just… stop talking." Roxas' sentence whimpered off at the end as he let loose his arms, revealing the almost horrendously red blush. He grabbed Axel's face and kissed him. It was bad. It was like he couldn't hold himself together—and now that they're officially together (moved in!) he would goddamn admit it because he can: he wanted Axel… real bad.

It was hard to get over the pleasure one gets from the receiving end of a blowjob, ugly as it sounds. Roxas was writhing in the sheets, feeling something sink in his stomach. Nothing felt more like a dream than this. The face of agony in the midst of pleasure. Everything was sucking in and he couldn't help his voice from crying out.

"You're so beautiful when you cry like that." Axel whispered next to Roxas' ear. At this point, Roxas couldn't even find the energy to talk back at Axel, but instead just held onto Axel's arms and rode out the rest of the orgasm. Breathe in, breathe out.

"You remember the first time we kissed?" Roxas suddenly asked, unable to suppress the smile on his face upon recollection.

"You mean when I had so much pent-up frustration with you that I decided the best thing to do was to make out with you?" Axel said. Roxas laughed. "Yeah, I remember."

"I keep wondering why we never went through to the end with that." Roxas looked at Axel.

"Wasn't it obvious?" Axel touched a fringe of Roxas' hair. "I couldn't bear to be touched." Roxas remained silent, his eyes questioning. "When she was still alive I was compelled to do it, but after she was dead, when I no longer had to be stark naked in front of anyone… I repulsed being touched. I couldn't—actually I still can't even envision the naked body of a woman, and I'd rather be out of the vicinity of anyone's naked body, let alone a woman's."

This was the moment Roxas could find no words but a need to kiss his boyfriend.

"But… now it's okay if I touch you… like this?" Roxas laid a hand on Axel's neck, and slid it down to his chest.

"Well, you've grown to look quite different from her." Axel smiled.

"And what about this…?" Roxas switched them into cowboy so he was sitting on top of Axel. Axel had to be getting those abs from somewhere somehow.

"You teasing me?"

A slow grin crept across Roxas' face, "… And this?"

"Ahh." Axel let out.

Heat and sweat and weight. Axel had wanted to turn off the bedside lamp that gave off honey-shaded light but wasn't sure if Roxas was okay with the dark. Roxas was so concentrated at what his hands were doing. Such beautiful being. Actually, never mind turning off the lights; now he couldn't stop staring. Body moving with a slow rhythm, trying his patience, tempting.

He right hand went automatically searching for the condoms he had for some reason stashed in the bedside cupboard. Axel tugged Roxas' arm so the blond would open his blue eyes and let Axel kiss him. His heart in his throat and his hands fumbling, plastic package almost dropping. Roxas kissed him one more time, holding him, whispers, "I'm ready."

For Roxas it was the strangest feeling. Not entirely unpleasant but God it hurts. That being said, it probably was true for any guy, not just him. But people must be lying if they say it doesn't hurt the first time or it feels good. Whatever they say about feeling all ecstatic and emotionally gratified (like "finally as one together"), bullshit. It felt fucking weird was what it was. So he grabbed at Axel's arms as hard as he could, even to the point where it hurts the redhead, because—well, damn, he was having quite a fucking hard time and Axel'd better make it good.

For Axel it was mostly a feeling of bodily heat. He could tell the blood inside Roxas was running fast just from the kind of heat he felt. He waited and waited because he could also tell Roxas was struggling. Let him go at his pace. When his arms started hurting from the way Roxas dug into them, he knew he was needed. Take a deep breath, take it slow. Give some leverage to Roxas. It started feeling good and the way Roxas moved was so damn sexy it didn't help.

"Axel…"

They rolled together in a rhythm, and the more familiar Roxas seemed to grow used to the riding the faster they went, until Roxas couldn't hold his balance anymore and bent down. Their arms found ways around each other; Axel found his lips situated right next to Roxas' left ear.

"I love you." He said.

Roxas opened his eyes.

"When'd you get so cheesy?" Roxas asked while breathing heavily.

"You started it."

"Hm, did I?" They kissed; Roxas loved the way Axel tasted. "Well, we are making love. So, I love you too."

That made Axel flip themselves over. Spreading his arms protectively over Roxas, he guided their bodies so they moved as if melded together. Roxas could feel blood rushing to his face. Was it from passion? Was it from the exercise? Was it from embarrassment (because strange as it sounds, he felt embarrassed showing all of himself in front of Axel—and he never felt that even when he was messing around with his ex-girlfriends and -boyfriends)? He had no clue anymore. Axel held his hands, and he knew Axel would lead him into that place in light.

"Well, how was it?" Axel asked. One of his fingers idly moved across Roxas' skin. The blond was all curled up into a ball, looking tired and comfortably buried under the fluffy and heavy comforter.

"You want my honest opinion?" Roxas caught that finger and held it to stop Axel from tickling him further. "If it weren't for you, I'd never let anyone put his dick in my ass. It was just so—oh my God."

Axel laughed, and rolled Roxas tighter into his arms.

"Only for me?"

"Only for you, baby." Roxas sighed somewhat helplessly. "It was just so incredibly uncomfortable. Look! I can't even get up now! And I'm hungry."

"'Cause we never ate dinner." Axel said.

"Yup."

"We went straight to the bed."

"Yup."

"You want me to cook you dinner?"

"Late-night is more like it." Roxas rolled to his back, wincing a little. "And yes, I want you to—wait, you can cook?"

"I couldn't possibly eat out every night when I was living alone, could I?"

"Well… I wouldn't, but my roommate in college did." Roxas recalled for a moment, "But anyway. Could you finish cooking what I was cooking before we, um…"

"Went lovemaking?"

"Yeah." Roxas chuckled. "Zucchini with chicken? Over spaghetti."

"And I thought I would get to taste your cooking for once. It's your move-in day."

"Too bad. You should've thought of that before you seduced me to bed. Now I can't get up so no, I can't cook."

Axel kissed Roxas again. "Alright, beautiful. You deserve it."

"Don't call me 'beautiful.'"

"Then what should I call you?" Axel propped himself on one knee and arm. Roxas gave himself a moment to think about it.

"'My love.'" Roxas said. "Call me 'my love.'"

Axel chuckled over how silly it was that Roxas was no better a hopeless romantic than himself. "Alright, my Love, Roxas." He kissed Roxas' forehead, and stood up from the bed to put on a pair of boxers.

Roxas watched with a smile as Axel disappeared into the kitchen.

This is a good start.