A/N - An AU oneshot that's unbeta'd and different style from usual - I posted this up on LJ first, and it got decent feedback, so I thought I might as well share it here as well (beta and I are both in the middle of exams and don't really have time for fics ...) This was written in one sitting, while I was attempted to fill a super fluffy prompt (yeah, that turned out well, orz). As a warning: uh, it's depressing. XD Also, first segment won't make sense 'til the end, but the rest is in chronological order.

Listen to Thriving Ivory - Where We Belong; I had it on repeat while writing.

We've Been Running For Far Too Long

"That was stupid," Fai says.

Kurogane doesn't answer.

He flees desperately, urging Himitsu on despite knowing that the stallion was already galloping at full speed. The pounding of hooves against the paved paths of the palace grounds was soon replaced by muffled thuds as he guides the stallion into the forest, unmindful of the twigs and branches that tore at his clothes.

He knows they will be looking for him in the morning. Once they see Ashura, there is no way they can just let him go, as much as most of the nobles would like to see him gone. The people will be crying for his blood once they find out.

He resists the urge to scream and grits his teeth instead against the disgust he can feel uncurling in his stomach.

"You've been following me for days."

He looks up, smiling through the pain of his bloody lip, and gives a weak wave. "So I have."

"Why didn't you fight them?"

He turns away. "I didn't think I could win."

"That shouldn't stop you from trying."

He shoots his rescuer a look and bursts out laughing, the rain streaming down his face like tears.

"You have a very serious look on your face right now."

"You still haven't told me your name, you know."

"Does it matter?"

"Depends if it means anything."

"…"

Sometimes, he catches himself thinking that those red eyes burn right into him, scalding him with their intensity, and he wonders if other knows how to be warm rather than red-hot.

The forest is hardly a safe place to be. The trees, wild and unclaimed, nurture the outcasts from the surrounding countries as they plot their revenge against the monarchs that exiled them.

"All I want to do is go home. I don't care what your story is."

He doesn't quite know whether he's lucky or not to have someone who doesn't care about him as a companion. It doesn't stop him from pestering Kurogane with smiles and teasing, pushing and prodding until something snaps and he's running away from their campfire with laughter ringing unbidden on his lips.

He disappears into the forest with practiced ease. Himitsu needs little guidance to start trotting as quickly as possible with bushes and branches entangling their movement at every given chance.

There's an old feeling stirring in him as he rides on top of his stallion, one that he prefers not to acknowledge and tucks away instead. Instead, he tells himself that it was time to move on anyway. It's too dangerous to stay with anyone for too long, now that he's a wanted man. He already warned Kurogane, but Kurogane had brushed him off with the confidence of someone who knew how to kill.

He's a little bit jealous of that confidence. Perhaps if he was on the run for killing Ashura, things might be different. It would mean he was a different person, capable of making difficult decisions rather than just running.

He can't help but think that what he did to betray his country seems ridiculous compared to the long list of assassinations that stain Celes's history.

The guilt eats away at him from where he's locked it away in his mind.

"You came back."

Kurogane gives him a look that he can't read, his face illuminated by the flickering fire.

"Yeah."

Ginryuu is burning red, the dragon's eyes and mouth alive with blood.

He doesn't wonder where Kurogane put the bodies.

Their days are full of one-sided chatter and sunshine and good hunting, for this time of year.

There are times when he can almost forget why he's running.

The day they find Syaoran and Sakura is a miserable one of silence and rain and hunger, because Kurogane isn't speaking to him again and the lack of warmth from the other man hurts more than he wants to admit.

He almost, but not quite, regrets leaving again. The guilt hasn't devoured him alive, not yet, so he'll keep on running.

Sakura is pure and fragile and so kind and giving. Syaoran is strong and determined and honorable.

His heart hurts a little bit for the innocence they both still radiate.

The days grow shorter, the nights grow longer, and the forest lets go of her dying children with a sigh as they all tumble to the ground.

He calls Syaoran and Sakura their children now, and makes fun of Kurogane every time the warrior protests. He plays the role of a good mother, telling stories and tucking them into bed, promising that tomorrow will be a better day, even if they're going to sleep hungry and discouraged tonight.

The job of protector and role model falls to their father.

Syaoran has a stolen sword that he names Hien, and Kurogane teaches the young man how to use it as he watches from the sidelines with Sakura. He admires Kurogane's muscles as he demonstrates various techniques to Syaoran, the dying sun painting them both with blood.

"Syaoran's awfully eager to fight."

Sakura gives him a confused look as Kurogane ends the lesson and Syaoran promises to do better and work harder next time.

He's never asked Kurogane where they're going, because it's never really mattered. He suspects Kurogane didn't know either, when Syaoran finally admits they were fleeing the country of Clow and Kurogane adjusts their course accordingly without a second thought.

Syaoran has a fever but tries to hide it. Their lesson starts as usual, right after camp is set up, only to be stopped immediately.

"The best thing you can do for the princess right now is to get better."

The first snow comes, the forest welcoming the new weight with open arms. He pulls his thick coat around him with a grimace, despite the fact that they're further south than he's ever been.

He gives his coat to Sakura though, when he sees her shiver and press her lips together determinedly.

He thinks briefly of majestic fireplaces, roaring with cackling flames as a warm voice lulls him to sleep. Of pastries hot enough to burn his tongue as he bites into them eagerly, despite the warnings from the palace chefs. Of butterfly light kisses and gentle arms around him.

He wakes up at the sounds of a scuffle. Kurogane is fighting, the crescent moon providing almost no light as he swings Ginryuu around. Sakura continues to sleep, but Syaoran begins to stir as Kurogane swears loudly.

He gets up and slips into the forest before Syaoran can wake up and ask him what's going on.

It's only when he returns that he realizes he left Himitsu behind this time when he left.

Kurogane says nothing about it, used to the way he disappears during every fight, and continues to clean Ginryuu instead.

Blood looks silver under moonlight, and he pretends he can't see that Hien is in need of cleaning too.

He thinks for a long time of cold stone hallways and the shouts of the war council. Of porridge and gruel and thin strips of meat jerky. Of an empty bed and cold sheets as he tries to fall asleep despite the nightmares that haunt him whenever he's alone.

Snow melts and turns into rain. They are wet and muddy as they continue through the forest, skirting all the villages with the mentality of true outlaws.

Sometimes Syaoran and Sakura will brave a lone cottage, hidden in the trees, to trade or beg for scraps of cloth to patch up their torn clothes.

The only rabbit that he manages to catch is brown and filthy and he insists that Sakura eats his share.

Kurogane gives him a knowing look and he fights the instinct to flee like cornered prey.

There are rumors of a full blown civil war in Clow.

They hear about it at first, quite by accident, from a group of travelers they had been trying to avoid. The current king is dead, and a young man named Touya is the one the rebels are trying to put on the throne.

They stop at the next town they come to. Syaoran and Sakura ask the townspeople for news and return shaken. The king has indeed fallen, and Touya is the new king. There have been three attempts on the new king's life in the past week, and people are making bets on how long that life will last.

"We have to go back."

Kurogane gives Syaoran a curt nod and they turn their horses to the north again.

He wants to scream and cry and shout that he doesn't want to go. He didn't run this far only to turn back. But he keeps his mouth shut, and tells Sakura he's sure everything will be alright.

Touya is Sakura's brother.

He can tell by the wary look in Syaoran's eyes and the guilty one in Sakura's that Syaoran and Touya don't get along very well.

He doesn't ask if Touya was the reason they had left in the first place.

Clow is even further north than Celes, a desert of permanent ice and snow.

He wonders how long Syaoran and Sakura had been wandering before he and Kurogane had found them. For them to have gone that far was impressive.

Their trust and love for each other is amazing.

He urges Himitsu faster and faster through the very edge of Celes territory. Kurogane, Syaoran, and Sakura follow him without questions, and he's glad for that.

Especially when they reach the edge of the plains and see the army advancing towards the heart of Clow, the Celesian flag waving in the wind.

He turns around blindly and flees back into the trees.

He wonders if he was stupid for thinking that doing what he did was actually going to stop anything. He doesn't know if the war with Ritsu has resolved, through treaty or victory, or if Ashura is really foolish enough to pursue a war on two fronts.

He falls asleep that night wrapped in his coat and leaning against a tree. Himitsu keeps him company and he trusts his stallion to warn him if anyone comes.

He dreams of a deep pool and water without any ripples.

"While you're asleep … I hope you have good dreams."

The dream changes to one of fire and blood and dragons with knowing eyes.

"You're awake."

He isn't pleased to see Kurogane watching him when he opens his eyes. He shoots Himitsu a betrayed glare and stands, stretching his cramped muscles.

"Why did you run?"

"Why did you follow?"

He makes a game out of stepping in Kurogane's footprints in the snow as they walk back to where Syaoran and Sakura are.

They don't ask any questions, and that only encourages the guilt to take larger bites as it continues to chew through him.

He sits down with them and listens to them fret and worry.

Kurogane grumbles and complains about how no one can be expected to sneak anywhere if all there is is snow and flat land.

He resists the urge to point out that that's probably one of the pillars of Clow's defense. If no one can get close without their knowing it, then they'll always be prepared to rebuff an attack when it comes.

His entire body screams at him to grab Himitsu and run when Kurogane decides that the best they can do is just ride fast and hard and hope they get there before the Celesian army.

He doesn't, though his nails dig into his hands and leave red marks on the pale white skin.

Syaoran and Sakura are falling asleep on their horses, despite their best intentions. Kurogane is keeping an eye out for danger, and for a moment fiery red eyes meet ice cold ones.

Kurogane looks away first.

He tilts his head back to look at the nearly full moon, wondering what it is about these three people that has him ready to betray Celes yet again.

It can't be much longer, he thinks, before the guilt finally tears through and there's a gaping hole in his chest where his heart used to be. He can't wait.

He wonders if Ashura had sent the army out after him once the spell had been removed and the pool was empty and undisturbed again.

When they finally make it to Clow, the horses are ready to drop dead and he feels like his nerves are frayed beyond repair. He doesn't know what they can do for this city that's already doomed. Whatever Ashura wants, Ashura gets.

When he meets Touya, he nearly blurts out how he knows what it feels like to stand in front of a war torn country full of suffering people and tell them that he's their king now. He stops though, just before he does, because if he says anything along those lines he might just start laughing and crying and never stop.

It's a good thing Touya is mostly preoccupied with fussing over Sakura and shooting death glares at Syaoran. Kurogane takes a liking to the young king as well, and they withdraw to discuss tactics.

He spends the night on the balcony of their room, gazing up at the stars. He wonders if Kurogane ever stops watching. He almost wishes he wasn't alone outside, but stops that thought before it gets too far. Kurogane can stay inside their room, far away from him.

Clow falls, as he knew it would. Touya shoves Sakura into Syaoran's arms and only a look is exchanged between them before the army is at the gates of the castle and the four of them are on their way across the snow again.

He thinks he can see the blood and bodies at the broken gates to the city.

Himitsu gallops at the head of the group and he can't remember urging the stallion on, but then he realizes his heels are still digging into the horse's sides and he says a couple of words he hasn't said in so long.

"I'm sorry."

They're going south again and he sets a fast pace every day. The trees blur past him as the days flow together and he's drowning in his regrets.

He can't run fast enough.

Ashura was never supposed to stay asleep forever, but he hadn't thought they would have found the pool so quickly or figured out how to reverse his spell in so little time.

Maybe if he had been able to kill, everything would have been different.

But he's always been weak and incapable of making difficult decisions.

They've nearly reached the same town as last time when they stop for news. Syaoran and Sakura go together again, and they return with heavy weights on their shoulders and tears in their eyes.

It occurs to him that he can't figure out when that innocence had faded from the two of them.

Maybe announcing himself as the new king of Celes had been a bit too much. Ashura wasn't dead, after all, just asleep. But he had needed something to grab everyone's attention, and without a claim like that he couldn't have declared the war with Ritsu over.

He had hoped to cause enough chaos and confusion in the court for a stalemate to be declared. There didn't have to be two losers in every war, although most people called one of them a winner.

All he had wanted to do was stop dying the rivers red.

He's up again before Syaoran is, and flits to the trees. There are more bandits than usual this time, their bodies lean and hard and their eyes hollow and empty. Snarls fill the clearing where they've made their camp and Kurogane stumbles.

He's moving before he knows it, drawing the bow he keeps slung across his back with practiced ease. He hears Syaoran's shout and Sakura's scream, but ignores them both as he throws himself in front of Kurogane, sending an arrow through one of the men's throats before they can react to the sight of him.

Bows are only good for long distance fights though, and he's only able to kill one more before metal comes into contact with his skin and there's blood, hot and red, flowing down his arm. He can't risk checking where everyone else is, so he just puts another arrow to his bowstring and sends another man crumpling to the ground before he's forced to bend and dodge the onslaught of attacks.

He knocks another one of them out, wincing as a sword is drawn in a vicious slash across his chest. He takes an involuntary step backwards, aware that he can't turn his back and run now, or he'll be dead.

So he fights as he hasn't fought in nearly half a year, the snow turning red around him.

"That was stupid," Kurogane says.

He doesn't answer. He's too busy staring in horror at the two cold bodies lying beside each other.

"I figured we should give them a burial of some sort. I'm sure foxes or wolves will find a good use for the rest of them, but I thought for those two …"

He gets up unsteadily and walks away without looking back.

He comes back after a few hours, and Kurogane is waiting for him.

"I suppose I should thank you, for saving my life back there."

He licks his dry and chapped lips. "Don't."

Kurogane gives him a brief nod.

They bury Syaoran and Sakura together. They leave as the sun rises on their bloody grave.

The snow melts and the red waters in the rivers swell to new depths. Winter melts into spring and the forest gives birth to new life again, taking her first breath after a long sleep.

He has this hideous dream where Syaoran and Sakura dig their way out of their graves, furious that he had buried them when they had been asleep.

He thinks he has a new irrational fear of being buried alive.

He wonders if dying is like going to sleep. He's not sure if he would be able to deal with never ending nightmares.

It's almost summer before Kurogane tells him the conditions of his exile.

"I can go back, after a year."

He counts the months in his head. It's been almost a year.

"Go, then. It's where you belong."

Kurogane hesitates, something he's rarely seen the other man do.

"Will you come with me?"

He turns his head towards the north. He's come so far, running all this time …

He doesn't know why he agrees, but before the leaves fall they're only a few days away from Nihon.

His restlessness grew with every step they took back north and he's sure Kurogane noticed it. Nothing has been said about it, and he's not sure he can explain it if he tried.

The whispers of war haven't stopped once in the past year.

When they arrive in Nihon Kurogane disappears for a few hours to talk to his princess, Tomoyo, and he's left to linger uselessly in the main courtyard as everyone else stares at him.

When they reemerge, Tomoyo's laughing with her hand on Kurogane's arm and even Kurogane's usual scowl has softened into a smile.

He wonders if Ashura would still welcome him like that.

He wishes Tomoyo wasn't so friendly.

"What were you exiled for?"

Kurogane looks at him, eyes narrowed slightly. They've never asked each other this question, but he feels reckless now with the snow on the ground and the war councils every day.

"I suppose you could say it was murder."

He bursts out into laughter after a few moments of stunned silence and can't stop, even when Kurogane grows concerned enough to ask him what's wrong.

His merriment dies the moment Kurogane leaves the room. He doesn't want to think of how Kurogane will go to Tomoyo and the princess will welcome him with a smile and a cup of tea.

"What about you?"

He doesn't debate for long whether or not he should answer this. Kurogane told him, after all, and it's only fair that the other man has some idea why he was acting like a lunatic the other day.

"I was whistling a lullaby."

Kurogane's face grows dark and angry after a moment and he gets up and leaves. Tomoyo never objects to Kurogane's company, he's sure.

He smiles wryly because he was telling Kurogane the truth.

"I'm going back."

Kurogane frowns at him in incomprehension while Tomoyo looks at him like she already knew.

He wouldn't be surprised if she did. Her dreamgazer skills were said to be extraordinary. He is a little surprised when she tells him she has arranged everything for him already.

He scowls a little because he can't tell if Tomoyo is simply glad to be rid of him or trying to ensure he stays safe on his journey.

It's nearing the end of summer when they leave.

"You really don't have to come, you know."

"You're an idiot. You'll get yourself killed without me."

He's a little bit frightened when he realizes the smile comes naturally.

He doesn't feel guilty anymore, which is strange.

Sometime in Nihon, he had put the past behind him and chosen to cling onto the present instead.

He no longer thinks of Ashura all the time when Kurogane's features are blurred by the firelight as they make love in the dark forest.

He's forced into the throne room with his feet and arms bound tightly. He stumbles and falls at Ashura's feet, but raises his head all the same. The guards all bristle and spring forward, but Ashura waves them back and looks down at him.

"Fai."

"I'm home, Your Majesty."

He doesn't know if he imagined Kurogane's snort of disgust.

He's unbound and led to his old bedroom. Kurogane is escorted away with Ashura's promise that no one will harm the Nihon man.

Ashura meets him in the room as he's brushing his fingers over the books in which he wrote his music.

"You've been gone a long time, Fai."

"Over two years, Your Majesty."

Ashura's arms are around his waist as the king whispers into his ear. "I missed you."

He doesn't know if repentance should be this easy. He doesn't even have to use his imagination as he comes with a jerking cry, the fire from his fireplace coloring the whole room red.

He doesn't meet the eyes of either of them at dinner that night.

Kurogane glares at him and Ashura fiercely but doesn't say anything unreasonably rude, while Ashura watches him carefully but treats both of them with a frigid politeness.

He feels filthy inside and realizes that guilt had never left him. It's just that his heart had died a long time ago.

The guards all rush forward as Kurogane stands up and excuses himself curtly. They leave, with only two guards remaining to guard the king.

Ashura finishes his meal slowly before getting up.

"Did he ever touch you?"

His silence appears to be answer enough, and Ashura hisses with displeasure.

"You're mine."

The courts buzz with disapproval as Ashura announces that he's back and to be welcomed with open arms. Claims of treachery and attempted murder are made, but Ashura dismisses them all one after another.

"I only wanted to stop the rivers running red with blood."

No one listens to his explanation, not even Ashura.

It's his birthday and Ashura throws a huge ball in celebration.

Kurogane is invited, and he stands by the wall stiffly with a sole guard at his side.

"You never told me when your birthday was."

Kurogane's tone is almost accusing, and he bristles.

"You never told me yours, either."

Kurogane is silent for a few moments before he replies.

"It's in the summer."

He laughs a little at that, aware of how the bitter edges of the sound cut into Kurogane.

"How lucky. My birthday's in such an awfully cold time."

Ashura appears and asks him to dance before Kurogane can say anything else.

Only a few days later is the eve of the new year. Another ball takes place, and Ashura insists that he spend the entire time dancing with the king instead of talking to Kurogane.

"Why is he so determined to stay?"

Ashura tells Kurogane he's free to go at least once a week, so that Kurogane is never in doubt that Ashura doesn't want him there. Kurogane stays, anyway.

He watches the fireworks with Ashura and wishes Kurogane was there instead. Kurogane is much warmer than the king of this cold country.

The rivers are still frozen when Ritsu finally falls. Ashura is nearly beside himself with joy as news comes of Celes's newest victory and conquest.

There's a twisted part of him that's relieved beyond belief that Ashura had refused to send him out onto the battlefield. It's this part of him that hopes whichever country Ashura goes after next will roll over obediently and quickly.

The guilt nags at him to start making decisions when Ashura decides Nihon is next.

He doesn't go visit Kurogane for nearly a month. The war councils keep him busy.

The assassins appear at another one of the dinners just for the three of them. Kurogane springs up with a curse, his hand flying to his hip where Ginryuu hasn't been sheathed since he walked into Celes. Ashura's much too civilized to eat with a sword, and the king's the first to die, red blood staining white robes.

The guards are fairly quick, dispatching two assassins with relative ease before falling to a third. One of the guards throws a sword at Kurogane with his dying strength, who uses it to slit the throat of the third assassin.

The fourth assassin advances quickly.

He smiles because it's always such a relief when difficult decisions were made for you.

Then Kurogane is there, Kurogane with a dagger in his chest as he slices the fourth and last assassin's head off.

His smile fades as Kurogane falls and a soundless scream rips from his throat through the palace.

He finds Ginryuu, devoid of any life or blood. The dragon's eyes are blind now, dull and cold. He carries the sword to the body.

"That was stupid," Fai says.

Kurogane doesn't answer.

A/N - There, I think all the line breaks are in the right place ... Reviews would be very much appreciated since I need to know if it made sense or not XD

(also, this was 4444 words on MS Word. I'm so proud XD)