Buzzed, an Invader Zim fanfic
January 20-30, 2011
by Golden Snowflake

-xXxXx-

Alcohol is bad.

Or, at least, that's what your parents tell you.

Personally, I prefer to think of it as a way to determine who's stupid and who isn't.

A way to tell who has the tools to be happy without being drunk and who doesn't.

A way for dumb things that are inevitable to get done.

And sometimes a way for people to drop their guards and be who they truly are, if only for a moment.

-xXxXx-

The giant robot spiders lay, steaming and snapping with the angry electricity of broken circuits, all over the highway. A mother raced after her six-year-old son, yelling at him to calm down as he hurdled around the kitchen in circles and screamed about having seen lasers scald off the tops of the hedges. The homeless midget who usually sat up against his trash can was now hiding in it, and at least twenty smoke alarms were screeching out the open windows in a distinct and traceable path back to the house with the decorative flamingos and puffer fish out front.

Dib howled in rage and brought down the golf club only a second after Zim dove out of the way. It cracked sickeningly against the sidewalk, and Dib gaped in horror at the way the putter had dented against the curb.

Zim was bowling him over before he could act and the pair tumbled into the street. There was a flurry of fruitless clawing and kicking. The short green boy wiggled his way out of the taller teen's one-armed grip and slammed his wrists into the pavement.

"HAH!" he howled, grinning maniacally. "VICTORY FOR ZIIIM!"

Dib snarled in frustration, his muddy jeans scraping loudly against the asphalt. "Ngh- never," he spat back, bearing upward against the claws pinning his arms down. "I'll never let you win!"

The Irken sneered as he struggled to hold the taller boy. A fire truck roared through the intersection down the road.

"I'll never give up! I'll fight you every day! Every minute!"

"Give in, Dib-worm." Zim narrowed his eyes, trying to maintain control. "Your struggles are pointless."

"Then – ngh –how did I destroy your army of robot bugs?"

"They're spiders!"

"Spiders have eight legs!"

"LIES!"

With a violent twist Dib threw the invader to the ground.

"ARGH-" Zim wriggled violently, unable to shake the taller human. "Don't touch me!"

"It's too late, Zim!"

The alien cracked an eye open but pretended not to listen.

"It's over! Your whatever-bugs are roadkill and I permanently deactivated your weasels' lasers back at your lab. I have triumphed again!"

"FOOLISH HYUUMAN! The lasers were just a distraction! My true goal was to prevent you from finishing… your homework! YES! VICTORY FOR ZIIIM!"

"What? But we didn't have any homework!"

"LIES!" Zim wiggled violently as an ambulance zoomed by. When Dib was silent he opened one eye to peek at him.

Dib was staring down at him resignedly. He sighed.

"Why do you not fight? DO YOU CONCEDE DEFEAT?"

"No…"

Dib sat back on his knees, giving Zim room to prop himself up on his elbows. He stared suspiciously at his enemy, puzzled.

"Zim… this isn't working."

"WHAT isn't working?"

"We've been at this for seven years."

"LIES!"

"I always defeat you, more or less. But nobody believes me."

"LIES!"

"I'm tired, Zim. I haven't slept well all week since Gaz got that Game Slave 4. I can hear her playing it through the walls."

"LIES! Wait… what?"

Dib sighed once more, his gaze drifting to their surroundings. The distant wailing of sirens split the calm of the summer evening and a baby was bawling loudly in a nearby house. The fire hydrant a few blocks away was spurting a high-pressure stream of water, attracting a horde of cheering kids wearing oddly-patterned swimsuits and arm-floaties.

Dib scooted back and stood up, brushing at his dirt-blotted pants to no avail. He straightened his glasses and turned his honey-brown stare on the alien.

"Donttouchme," Zim spat, flinching away as Dib offered a hand to help him up. Rolling his eyes, the boy snatched the Irken's wrist and yanked him to his feet. Zim screamed in outrage and leapt away.

Dib looked in the opposite direction, at the small circle of shops at the end of the cul-de-sac. Without another word he turned and trudged toward them.

The Irken blinked his purple contacts. "D-Dib worm! Get back here! Your… your future slave-master commands you!"

"Whatever," Dib called back over his shoulder.

Zim blinked tensely, looking this way and that. He made a sound akin to "DNNGH" and hurried after his rival.

The doors swung open like those of an old Western saloon, and Dib raised an eyebrow. It looked like the place had once had a theme, but the grime on the old cowboy pictures and the neon signs advertising different soda brands made it apparent that the idea had been abandoned a few years back.

"What is this place, some sort of station for the decrepit and underdeveloped of your race?" Zim eyed a table of heavy older men warily.

"Two," Dib said to the waitress that had come to greet them. She nodded and turned to show them to their table.

When the slim green individual didn't budge, Dib looked at him quizzically. "Are you coming?"

"I am not a deformed dirt-creature," Zim replied haughtily. Dib rolled his eyes and followed the waitress. Zim looked at the laughing old men nervously and hurried to catch up.

"What can I get you two?" The girl was skinny and pale with a dark brown bob and red lipstick.

"Um… a Bud Light," the paranormal investigator said. The alien gave him a scrutinizing look, unsure of what this meant.

"What is-"

"He'll have one too," Dib said to the girl. She looked at Zim, confused for a moment, but smiled and nodded before leaving to get them their drinks.

He peeked at the guffawing bearded men again before leaning over the table. "Dib-worm, what is this bud of lightness you spoke of to the female feeding unit?"

"It's a kind of beer," the teen said matter-of-factly. "It's pretty good."

"Beer? Is this some variation of-"

"No, it isn't," said his companion before letting the Irken ramble off something completely random. "It's alcohol."

Zim blinked. "What do you need alcohol for?"

"We drink it." Dib picked up the dessert menu and began to flip through the pie flavors.

Zim blinked again. "You drink alcohol?"

"Quite frequently, actually. Well, not personally. Only once or twice."

The bearded fellows belted out a sudden round of laughter and Zim jumped. "But… isn't alcohol a disinfectant?"

The teen shrugged. "Sometimes."

Upon receiving no further information the Irken stared at his rival. Dib proceeded to flip to the page of specialty ice creams.

"Here you go." The perky waitress was back, skillfully setting down both bottles and two chilled glasses. "Do you two need dinner menus?"

"No thanks." Dib glanced at Zim, who had sucked in air in preparation for a scream of terror. The waitress was gawking as well. "He's… uh… dieting."

The waitress spared Zim another disturbed glance before departing. He twitched.

Dib filled his glass and took a sip while his rival watched tensely. "Is this… beer …poisonous?"

"Nope."

"Is it explosive?"

"Not exactly."

"Is it icky?"

"No."

Zim looked at his bottle. One of the loud men fell out of his chair. The rest laughed even harder.

"Dib-worm?"

"Huh?"

"What is the reason for consuming this 'beer'?"

Dib shrugged. "For recreational purposes."

The Irken narrowed an eye, scrutinizing. "Disinfecting your bowels is recreation?"

"No, it's just-" Rolling his eyes, the lanky teen scooted forward. "Drinking is a way to relax and become more outgoing. It's a depressant, and it makes things seem… different."

Blinking, the green boy said, "How so?"

"It's different for everybody."

Zim outstretched a slender arm, pulling the bottle forward. He peered down into it. "There's no meat in it?"

"No, Zim," Dib replied, sounding annoyed.

The invader looked up at the human, glaring. "I don't trust you. GIR!"

Dib jumped, startled. Zim had flipped open his communicator watch and was talking into it.

"Come to my location. I need you to guard against any attack made by the Dib-human while I partake in recreational activities."

Static crackled over the speaker. "I'm making cookies," Gir chirped from the other end.

"Gir," Zim said, a warning tone to his voice.

"Awwww. Okay then!"

There was a crash as the door flew open, sending patrons yowling and leaping out of the way. The pair shielded themselves as a streak of green ricocheted off the walls, zooming under their table. It hit the wall with a THUNK.

A pair of blank eyes appeared over the edge of the table. Gir peeked across at Dib for a moment, then bounced onto the cushioned seat.

"Master, I made cookies." He cupped a paw over his mouth as he whispered.

"Very good, Gir." The Irken nodded in a businesslike manner. "Now we may partake in the merrymaking."

Dib crossed his arms in annoyance. Zim grabbed his bottle and carefully poured a tiny bit out. He leaned down and stared at the carbonation. Gir scooted close and followed suit.

Straightening up, Zim lifted the cup. He gulped down the beverage.

For a moment Dib actually thought that Zim was going to be nonchalant before he proceeded to screech and smash his fist down on the table. "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AH! AH! AAAAAAH! I like it."

Dib shook his head, covering it with his hand in embarrassment. Gir bounced on the seat and cheered.

"NOW, Dib…" The human looked up to find his rival staring at him intently. "We shall see who can enjoy this recreation more… better-y."

Cocking an eyebrow, the teen said, "I don't think that's-"

"SILENCE!"

Defeated, Dib watched Zim empty the bottle into his glass.

"Prepare yourself for imminent defeat!"

The paranormal investigator met his enemy's arrogant stare, thinking for a long moment. A slow smile crept across his face.

"You're on, spaceboy."

-xXxXx-

"…and then he says, 'That's not an inter-dimensional mass converter. That's my parental unit!' AAHAHAHAHA!"

Dib blinked as he watched the Irken fall back against his seat, shrieking with laughter. "Huh?"

Zim hiccupped. "Get it? Because the ambassador received his training before the fourth Great War and he didn't know of the changes to the interpreter protocol! Hic- is it not hilarious?"

"I don't get it."

Zim stared at his rival as Gir slurped a soda beside him. Slowly the invader's face molded into a frown. "You puh-thetic Earth-slime. Do you know not the history of the Magellaniacs?"

Dib half-chuckled. "The whojelwhattywhats?"

Zim glared daggers at the teen, then suddenly he hiccupped. "Hee hee. Ah ha ha."

"Heh heh." Dib grinned.

"Ha ha ha. HAAA HA HA!""

"Heh heh heh."

Gir looked from one to the other. It was only a split second before he contributed a maniacal giggle to the chorus. "EEEEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE."

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAH!" Zim smacked a tiny fist against the table in attempt to stifle his laughter.

"Oh, gee," Dib sighed, wiping away a tear. "You know what, Zim? You're… you're just awesome."

The little invader sat up straight, puffing out his chest. "Hic. Why yes, little Earth-monkey. Yes I am."

"Zim?"

"Speak."

"I'm not a monkey."

"LIES! Hic!"

"Nuh-uh! I'm a human. Hyooooo-man." He drew out the word, emphasizing by chopping the table with his hands.

"You are not human," Zim mumbled. "Surely your intelligence is high enough to classify you as a separate species."

"Humans are homo-sapiens. "So… I'm a homo-sapien-sapien."

"You are a homo-sapien-Earth-worm!"

Dib stared at his rival for a second before bursting out laughing.

"Why do the other humans not believe you? Truly it is astounding. Your race is pitiful. Hic!"

"Yeah, I know." Dib shrugged. "It's like, look, there's a guy in class with no ears who wears a dress and is green!"

"And they believe that I merely have a skin condition! HAH!"

"I know! They're so stupid!"

"Truly your efforts HIC are fruitless, Dib. You would have more success if you HIC joined forces with me to conquer this ball of dirt and water."

"But I like Earth," Dib protested. "And you're evil."

"Evil? The only HIC evil thing anywhere around is how obscenely stupid and filthy your little Earth-pigs are."

"Nuh uh!"

"Yes-huh!"

"Nuh uh!"

"Face it, Dib. You will never HIC receive the credit you so rightfully HIC deserve."

"Nuh uh!"

"HIC."

"It's so delicious," Gir murmured, his voice shaky with emotion, before taking another bite of his key lime pie.

"I have to save Earth! I have to!"

"For a herd of flesh-smellies that refuse to listen?"

"Well… uh…" Dib trailed off, staring at the table. "I dunno."

"Is it for your litter mate? Do Earthlings not feel affection for their closest relatives?"

"Gaz? I guess so, kinda. She's pretty cool when she's not ignoring me. Or hitting me. Or insulting me."

"She's scary," Gir whispered.

"The Gaz-female is a worthy opponent. Her drive to create HIC misery is truly admirable."

"Wait." Dib blinked. "You like Gaz?"

"What?"

"You like Gaz."

"SILENCE! I am not fond of your sister!"

"Do Irkens even feel affection?"

"Not for others. The all-mighty ZIM loves only myself."

"Maybe that's your problem."

Zim stared blankly at Dib and hiccupped. His wig fell askew.

"How can you conquer Earth when you don't build relationships? You need people to trust you if you want to eventually seize power."

"LIES! Wait… that's pretty smart."

Upon finishing the last chunk of his pie crust, Gir peeked at Zim before slipping under the table.

"It is official, Dib. HIC. You are my advisor. Together we shall conquer this icky planet and we HIC will RULE!"

"But wait… you're the bad guy…"

"Shake my hand!"

Dib sighed loudly and rolled his eyes. He slapped his hand clumsily onto Zim's. The Irken grinned as Gir popped up next to the teenager and squawked with glee.

"MWAAHAHAHAAHAA! VICTORY! Dib thing, together we will destroy this puny planet!"

Dib grinned. "YEAH!"

"We will eradicate the stinking human race!"

"YEAH!"

"We will make your litter mate become my bride!"

"YEAH- what?"

"And then I will betray you and force you to wash the feet of our smelly Earth soldiers!"

"Hey!"

"MWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" A few patrons gawked as the green boy howled with deranged laughter.

Dib smacked his palm against the side of Zim's face.

Startled, the Irken stared at the human. He slapped him in return.

Dib grabbed Gir's unopened straw and blew the wrapper off the end. It shot across the table and hit Zim in the forehead. He gasped in horror and flailed at the tube of paper.

"Hahaha," chuckled Dib smugly. Zim grabbed the pepper shaker and shook it into Dib's beer. "Hey!"

"You are no longer my advisor!" Zim howled.

"You put pepper in by beer," Dib wailed.

"You have no sense of humor! The most premature smeet would've laughed at that joke!"

"Smeet?"

"Yes, yes! A smeet!"

"What's a smeet?"

"An Irken infant, you foolish boy!"

Dib frowned, stung. "I'm no boy! I'm a man."

For a short moment Zim gaped at the teen before the two howled with laughter, Dib setting his head on the table and Zim clutching his middle as he fell backward.

Wiping away a tear, Zim grabbed two empty bottles before navigating his hand to the half-full one near the edge of the table. He poured it into his glass, giving an extremely loud hiccup. "You are faaar from an adult human, Dib-thing."

"How come?" Dib blinked slowly.

"Adult pig-smellies are drones, are they not?"

Dib cocked his head to the side, curious.

"You're not all drone-y. You are different. You're… smart, and you don't give up." Zim looked up earnestly, his hazy stare glowing in the dim pub's light. "You're not like a human at all."

Dib opened his mouth to speak, but didn't know what to say. He stared at the invader as Zim downed the rest of his third drink in silence.

"Zim…?"

The Irken looked up, a dopey expression on his green face.

Before he could finish his thought, Zim's head collided with the table. Gir stood up in his seat. "Master?"

-xXxXx-

"It's okay! He's a friend."

At Gir's squeaky voice, the giant lawn gnomes powered down their lasers. Dib let out the breath he'd been holding.

"Welcome home, son."

Dib jumped at the two robots that gawked out the door when Gir threw it open, sparking where their wires weren't quite closed circuits. Gir stared at him anxiously from across the room and he hurried to catch up.

"Here's the bedroom!" Dib smiled appreciatively at the green dog. Gir reached up and nuzzled against Zim's face. "Night, Master."

The door whooshed shut behind him as Dib wobbled across the oddly-colored carpet toward the huge purple bed, the Irken insignia adorning the blanket. The room was immaculate to the point that a more sober Dib would've suspected that it had never been used before. The invader was deadweight in his arms as he shuffled up against the mattress, carefully leaning over it enough to set him down.

"Nnnghslf," Zim muttered when his head hit the pillow.

Dib caught himself before he could fall face-first onto his rival and managed to straighten back up. He was tired and his stomach didn't feel too good. Home was a good walk away, and he knew it would be sheer luck if he made it to his room before passing out.

When he turned to leave, though, there was a noise.

"Nnnh- stupid hyuman…"

With a sigh the paranormal investigator turned around. Zim's wig was covering half his face and one antenna poked out at a bizarre angle. His knees were pulled up to his chest and he gave a little half-shudder.

Dib rolled his eyes.

Zim was extremely light, and Dib was able to lift him up enough to pull the covers down without too much trouble. The Invader wiggled around as the teenager held onto him, and Dib couldn't help getting an odd feeling of déjà vu. Hadn't the same thing happened a few hours ago? That felt like a lifetime now.

"Inter…galactic… monkeys."

The human ignored Zim's mumbly nonsense as he pulled the covers up and fluffed the pillows. He peeled the Elvis wig off and tossed it on the nightstand. "Zim."

"Mmmlngh."

Dib patted the Irken on the face until he opened his eyes groggily. "Yooou…" he hissed. "I despise you."

"I know." Dib held on to the invader's chin with one hand and carefully plucked the contact lens out with the other. Zim made a sleepy noise in his throat and squirmed in protest. The other one came out without as much trouble, though. Dib dropped them thoughtlessly on the nightstand as he backed up. He was drunk; he was tired. He had to get home and go to bed.

"Dib-worm?"

"Huh?" The human looked back over his shoulder as he stood in the doorway.

"Go away."

Stifling a burp, the Membrane boy grinned. "See ya later."

-xXxXx-

Alcohol is bad.

That's what your parents tell you.

It can be a way to determine who's stupid and who isn't.

A way to tell who has the tools to be happy without it and who doesn't.

A way for dumb things that are inevitable to get done.

And sometimes a way for people to drop their guards and just be who they really are. To be happy.

To be carefree.

To be friends.

I hope you liked this! I've been writing it during my free time at school. It's not perfect and I may go back and change it a bit later on. Leave a review and let me know. :P