Chapter 1 of My Immortal with Commentary by tori.m

AN/ Alright, I'm going to attempt to read and comment on this. Wish me luck!

Everything in bold= my comments

Everything in not-bold= our murderer of Harry Potter's comments

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AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) How exactly does that make you "goffick"? 2 my gf (ew not in that way) Wow, way to completely insult tons of people raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. Apparently not really helping you with anything U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! This confuses me, the love of her depressing life… and then it ends in an exclamation point? MCR ROX! MCR is an acronym for My Chemical Romance, apparently everyone who's "goffick" knows that.

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way Seriously? Three middle names? That's going a bit overboard and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) You had long ebony, black hair (she doesn't realize that ebony MEANS black does she?).

with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid At least she used it right tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!) Yes, because nothing makes you more "goffick" than being completely self centered and thinking that you look like a celebrity. I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. Oh yes, because incest is so very hot. Is that how it works in her family? Because that would explain a lot.

I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. Ah, so you're one of THOSE vampires. I have pale white skin. As opposed to what? Dark white skin? I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England Scotland sweetie, Scotland. where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) I'm confused, I thought you were "goffick" and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. Muggle store?

For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I really couldn't care less… I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining Wait, snowing AND raining? so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. From what I can tell, there's only 3 types of people according to Tara. Preps, posers, and "gofficks" I put up my middle finger at them. What a charming young lady you are.

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy! Unneeded…. Suspense! Wow, such a surprise. A person from your school says "hi". And Draco doesn't associate himself with lesser people.

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly. WTF! DRACO? SHYLY? Dear god. This is going to be a terrible experience isn't it?

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. You have friends?

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There was chapter 1, dear God in heaven. Please smite this girl, and smite her good (oops, sorry. I guess Tara's rubbing off on me). Next chapter, here I go….

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Chapter 2 of the terrible My Immortal

AN/ According to Tara, I am a prep because I do not like her grammar. Although I like Evanescence, Good Charlotte, and lots of the other bands she mentions… Oh well… Onward bound

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AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz! No, actually it's terrible…

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! Did "bloodytearz666" actually help you? With things like grammar and spelling? No, I didn't think so. BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! Sweetie, it's not ONLY preps that are flaming your story. It's just that this story is terrible!

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. As opposed to where exactly? A horse stable? A brothel?

It was snowing and raining again. Hoorah! My favorite kind of weather. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. She just happens to have a bottle of blood? Where is this blood coming from exactly? Someone should tell the professors about this…

My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. Alright, that sounds uncomfortable. Isn't satin usually used? And for a "goffick" person, she certainly surrounds herself with lots of pink… I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I don't really care… I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun. Again, not caring…

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)I don't believe there's such a person as Raven… woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. Ok, so your friend grins at you, flips her hair, and THEN she opens her eyes? She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) I don't care!

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. Did she actually say "Oh my fucking god"? or Oh em eff gee?

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing. Ooooooohh, a blush! That means she likes him!

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. Jeez, she's just asking a question. What a lovely ray of sunshine you are!

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. That's not a word… And didn't she just yell at her friend that she DIDN'T like him?

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. That's a muggle band, Draco wouldn't even know about them! He's a total pureblood supremacist.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. Yes, you've mention that MCR are your favorite band. Now shut up about it.

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked. Completely OOC

I gasped. Sweetie, he just asked you to a concert. He didn't propose to you, get over yourself

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AN/ This is the worst story I've ever read… Dear god, onward. Chapter 3 ho!

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Chapter 3 of the worst story ever…

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Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK!! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! Wait she actually had good reviews?

FANGS AGEN RAVEN! I don't believe Raven actually exists

oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. Really? You don't own this fanfiction? Who's the poor person who does?

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. They were high-heeled boots or did you have on boots and heels? Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. "Corset stuff"? I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. Contradictory much?

I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. You are SO rebellious!

I read a depressing book Because that's what I do when I'm depressed… while I waited for it to stop bleeding Waited for what to stop bleeding exactly? Your book? and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Why? Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. That didn't stop you the last two times you put on foundation…

I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert. NEVER go out without drinking a large amount of blood kids…

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. *gigglesnort* I'm picturing Draco with black hair leaning against a muscle car…. That's levitating the ground…. LOL

He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too) Again, completely OOC. DRACO DOESN'T LISTEN TO MUGGLE BANDS DAMMIT!, baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!). I'm sure "kewl boiz" wear eyeliner… It's just your grammar that's strange… I'm perfectly fine with boys wearing eyeliner.

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. So completely contradictory! I'm going to say something in a depressed tone but use an exclamation point! I pictured her skipping over to him… all depressed of course

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) Trying a bit too hard are we? and flew to the place with the concert.

On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. Together? At the same time? We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. Oh my god. Such rebellion! When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. WHY? I'm sure they hopped out in a very depressed fashion… Right…

We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood
They're all so happy you've arrived
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom
She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song). Really? I though Joel sang your lyrics just for the kicks of it…

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice. You are an idiot. You don't make comments like that when on a date… Stupid emo girl

Suddenly Draco looked sad. Hmmm, wonder why

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on. Such a bright child…

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. Sensitive AND protective? Does she even KNOW the differences between these adjectives? Poor Draco, see what she's done with you?

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. Wait. Her FACE is blonde? I thought it was her hair that was blonde. And Hilary Duff was ok looking until drugs and stuff… P.S. You don't know Hilary Duff either sweetie.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. Like creepy preppy fangirls? We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz Because walking back to a car is SO preppy and poser, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest! Unneeded… suspense!

AN/ Dear god, that's another chapter… One more to go…. Chapter 4, here I go…. :P

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Chapter 4 of this terrible story…

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AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! Stup, nut, su, sed… I'm sure all of those are words…. Since when is the character's name Enoby? I'm beginning to wonder if Tara is dyslexic….

DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! Nope. That's just stupid. He's completely OOC dey nu eechodder b4 ok! For what? The last 3 chapters?

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"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" Jeez, he's taking you to the Forbidden Forest… Chill

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. Did this walking out of the FLYING car involve parachutes? I walked out of it too, curiously. She walked CURIOUSLY? (With her parachute of course)

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily. Jeezz, calm down Godzilla

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped. This guy likes you, calm down!

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. Because you saw "depressing sorrow" and evilness. Tara doesn't know what adjectives mean…. Depression=sorrow

Girl: Hey mom and dad! Here's my boyfriend. He's evil and shows depressing sorrow in his eyes!

Mom and Dad: Get out of here you creepy rapist!

And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately Unneeded…suspense . Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. Keenly= smartly… They made out smartly against a tree?

He took of my top and I took of (off) his clothes. I even took of my bra. You rebel! Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. *gigglesnort* That sounds like the way a second grader would describe it!

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. She's so faking it… I was beginning to get an orgasm. It sounds like she's buying it at walmart! We started to kiss everywhere As in everywhere in the forest? Or on each other's bodies? and my pale body became all warm. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" Ooooh, I wonder who yelled this…

It was….Dumbledore! WHAT? WTF? Although I would laugh so fucking hard if I heard Dumbledore yell this in the movies… Did anybody else see Richard Harris yell this in their minds? LOL