Sleep

Klayter McCabe

000

It was not a big deal.

They are both fine. Ryan's throat is sore, and his shoulders hurt, but he is fine. Esposito has a thin red line around his neck, but he is also fine.

Jenny meets him at the hospital in tears, even though Ryan told everyone that he did not need to go to the hospital. It's embarrassing to have to ride in the back of an ambulance, even with the sirens off. Esposito is cleared for release from the crime scene.

"I'm fine," says Ryan, to yet another nurse. "I want to go home."

So Jenny shows up to take him. Ryan hugs her, and she fists her hands in the back of his cold, wet shirt.

"Oh my God," she says. "I'm so glad you're okay. I'm so glad you're okay."

"I'm fine." Ryan breathes down into her hair. The smell of Jenny - her sweat, her watermelon shampoo - is bright against the sour hospital air. It is familiar, and, though this word embarrasses him, safe.

"What happened?" Jenny asks, driving him home.

"They got us in the stairwell," Ryan says. "There was a flashbang. We were disoriented. Then we were in a warehouse for awhile. Then Beckett and Castle came in firing. Well, Beckett came in firing." He pauses. "Jesus Christ, I can't believe Castle saved our asses. How am I ever going to live that down?"

"I'm sure he'll find a way to write about his own heroics," Jenny muses. She does not ask for more detail about what happened in the warehouse. Ryan is grateful that she agreed to marry him. When they get home, he has a few beers and looks at the television screen without watching what's on it. Jenny sits next to him on the couch, their legs not quite touching, and polishes off an entire bottle of white wine.

"I love you," she says, during commercial breaks.

"I know," says Ryan. "I love you, too."

He is very tired that night, but he does not sleep well.

000

Ryan and Esposito both show up for work the next morning, even though they have been told they do not have to, even though there is a mountain of paperwork to do about their brief abduction. People in the precinct give them awkward looks, and Castle greets them with a too-loud,

"Welcome back!"

Even though they have not really been gone. Ryan pours black coffee for both himself and Esposito, and they look over each other's shoulders as they fill out statements to make sure their stories are in perfect synch.

"How are your arms?" Ryan asks.

"Great," says Esposito. "I was gonna see a chiropractor for these back pains I've been having, but I think they're all better now."

Ryan laughs. They finish filling out their first round of statements, and maybe it's just the coffee talking but Ryan feels better about his day.

000

A week later, Ryan is still having nightmares. They are photorealistic fabrications on top of what actually happened: first Ryan cannot breathe. Then he can breathe, but his leg has a bullet in it. He is on fire. Then he cannot breathe again. He inhales water and is stunned by the pain and desperation of drowning. He can watch Esposito across the room as Esposito watches him die.

Eventually he wakes up.

Ryan is an adult man. It is ridiculous that he is waking up sweating in the middle of the night. It is ridiculous that those men so confidently isolated him as the weaker party. Was it his suit? His face? Something in his posture? Did he fight less hard than Esposito in that stairwell? He has never before had to evaluate himself so ruthlessly.

"Kevin?" Jenny murmurs at him, still half-asleep. "Kevin, are you okay?"

"I'm fine, sweetie," he whispers. "Just go back to sleep." He gets up to wash his face and pour himself a glass of water.

It was not a big deal. Ryan is just a little shook up right now, but everything will be fine.

000

January 27, 2011