Part III – The dream

I walked into my mum's room

and lay on her bed, idly, feeling all partied out.

Mind you, the party had ended days ago but I spent the rest of time at Naomi's with Karen

because

I honestly did not have the strength to go home.

They thought we all needed to see one another, and catch up on our lives post-death-of-Freddie.

They went on and on about their stories, laughing and talking

Just like old times.

It was nice

Being around people who could move on

Who could be happy again–

I'd even had a dew drinks.

They all showed me sympathy and understanding looks, and complimented me on my outfit:

An exclusive from the Freddie Mclair line.

But I hardly spoke and I never shared any stories

For there were no stories to tell.

Cook

Had been there with me on the couch, and held my hand in the midst of it all

Giving me knowing looks which told me he knew where my head really was.

I get up again, and shed the many layers of Freddie's jumpers and sweaters and tees

Until I was only in both of our underwear.

I held my breath

When I got to my own room door and saw that someone

was already there.

He was tall. And tanned.

And fully clothed,

unlike me.

He was beautiful, standing there like that

Rather like the one in my dreams.

Except less shimmery and faint and more…

Real.

"Hello, Effy." The boy speaks.

Smiling, as he sits on a skateboard that lay on the floor.

One that belonged to him.

I stare, completely in shock, question marked all over my face. Was it his clothes? I wonder as I look down at them in my hands

Or was it the things I let Cook say,

When we shagged? The things I let him

whisper in my ear.

"I'm not here about Cook," he says, reading my mind, his face flat. "And it's not my clothes either." Then he chuckles. "Although I must say you do look lovely in my boxers."

My heart blushed

But my face couldn't

For it was still at a loss for words.

"Is this real? It's not really you, is it, Freddie?" I ask, scared for the answer.

"Real as it'll get." He tells me, getting up on his feet again.

I wanted to stop talking. I wanted him to run to me and hold me and kiss me

And love me

But there are just so many questions.

"How are you here?" I mumble. "It's been months. How is it you look so…real? Like you've never even left?"

"As long as you love me, I'll look as real as you want. Forever etched in your dreams."

…and in my thoughts

And memories

I continue for him in my head. But my face must be blank because he does continue.

"Which means you're not going to forget me. You don't have to worry, Eff. I'll still be here…somewhere." He reassures me and smiles.

That must have done it, because I immediately give in.

Running to him and wrapping my arms around his neck.

"Oh, Freddie, I miss you so much." I cry out into his shirt." I can't believe I let that happen to you!" I squeeze him as if to ensure he never goes away.

He too, held on tight, neither of us caring the least bit that I was still only in my bra and his boxers.

"It's not your fault. And it's not like we can change it." He says, the pain evident in his voice.

He pulls away so I could see his face

So that he can see mine.

He looks so deeply into the blue of my eyes and says ever so softly,

"It'll only remind you of how much I love you, Eff. The tings I did just to be with you. How deep into it al I went, because of my love for you…"

His sweet voice tells me things that make me melt and then I cut him off

with my lips.

I kiss him

And kiss him for so long it just feels like the two of us

In our own world.

I don't think we've ever kissed this way

Ever.

And my knees get weaker and weaker

Until

We fall onto my bed.

But still it's just kisses and kisses

and more kisses

Until Freddie smiles and pulls away.

He looks at his watch, and then we both laugh at that gesture

And I really smile for what feels like the first time

And I know right then I must look beautiful

because Freddie's eyes tell me that.

He takes my hand and I hope it means we will kiss again but instead he asks,

"They're gone, aren't they? They've finally left my girl alone." He says, some what pleased.

I nod, to let him know he's right, but I frown

And look down

At the mere mention of my demons

"Hey," he says, "Look at me," and he holds my face up with his warm hands.

"You're like…really amazing, you know that? And I want you to go live life.

Enjoy it.

For me and you."

Tears well up in my eyes and I whisper, "I don't think I can, Freddie. Not without you."

"Yes, you can. I told you I'd take care of you, and I won't break that promise."

Sitting up now, he smiles and holds me so that I am resting on his shoulder. I feel safe in his arms like this as he takes me to the door. With his hands in my hair he looks down on me, right into my eyes and says,

"I'll always be with you, Eff," He takes my hand and puts it right above my breast. "Right here."

He smiles so big now and the emotions I felt before, doubled,

And tripled

And exceeded anything I've ever felt before. With anyone.

"We'll be together for real again one day, Effy. I promise." He kisses my forehead before he sort-of disappears, and as he does, tears begin rolling down my cheek.

I cry.

I'm finally crying. And I do so some more because once I start I cannot stop. I cry for who I lost.

Cry for who I will forever love.

I go out the next day, with a new sense of energy rushing through me. I immediately pull my hands into my chest as the cold hits me. The icy air was not enough to affect me like the day before had, but was still enough to make me shiver. But then I smile, as I leave my hand there, and I don't dare to move it.

Because right there

In that very spot

It's completely warm

And full of love.

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