Kán; Juéde; Kaishi /To See; To Feel; To Begin/
Kinomoto Touya X Tsukishiro Yukito
Card Captor Sakura; PG-17
~Like flowers, unseen, wings flapped with ethereal movement in the darkness, small facets of light glinting against feather over feather of clear white that bring me to my former master, my hands reaching out to cup the guileless face with much surrender and fever-like abandonment; in this room I have once offered myself.
He closes his eyes, opening his heart to hungry lips that took his with a passion unknown to him – if this was what his guardian had to offer then surprise was not enough for him to stumble backwards and take reprieve, warmth flowing from his very being, his mere proximity. I touch him, slender fingers caressing the sides of his face and when he opens his eyes only does he realize that his glasses had been removed, his heart stilled.
"I wonder how, at times…" Dark blue lidding the clasp around my waist loosens when understanding forms between us. "How could I have created such beauty…"
Where splendor was offered he had much to respond, and yet; he took both my hands in his and I held my breath in the wonder of this nearness, more sensuous in grief and frail, majesty humbled before me even more breathtaking… But – this man does not feel the same way as I do. Slowly my smile vanishes as I realize, that our love was not the same.
"I'm sorry, Yue."~
***
"Matte!"
Darkness. Yukito clutched at is chest, gasping for air. Tears blurred the sight of his own hands right before his face and he felt them streak down one cheek, cold and unrestrained.
"Matte…" he whispered.
It took a moment to steady himself, remember where he was – the Kinomoto household, in Touya's room. Yukito breathed in, burying his face in his hands. Sure enough he was still seated on Fujitaka's extra futon, blanket pooled around his feet from thrashing.
That dream… wings and the same large hall, a door, a chair in the center, a man with dark hair and glasses that stood by the window. Snow. Softness. Certainty of need. They had touched each other so intimately with experience he didn't have that his cheeks pinked at the mere thought of their lips touching, and fear so real and frightening blossomed in his chest when their lips parted and the man started to speak.
His eyes looked so sad, and it was - Yukito felt the sudden urge to glance at Touya's bed right beside his, be assured of his presence – so painful and so…
"To-ya!" Yukito gasped at the sight of Touya's form in the darkness, still lying down but eyes already open. With him on the floor their eyes met at the same level, Yukito resisting the urge to suddenly hide his face at the thought of Touya seeing him in that predicament.
Touya pulled at his covers to his chin, rolling further towards his left to face him. His eyes were open, face expressionless. "Yuki." His voice was quiet, but not whispery.
"To-ya… how long have you, why didn't you…" Yukito paused, knowing his voice to be shaking. He froze as Touya gathered his sheets and sat up, only to slip down to his futon between him and his bed. He somehow wedged in and pulled at Yukito's abandoned blanket, wrapping it around the boy's shoulders.
Yukito looked like he was about to stutter something out once more but Touya placed his forefinger over his lips, face so near his that all he could see was him, uncharacteristically worried.
"Don't think about that anymore," Touya instructed, carefully easing Yukito on his back. "And you didn't wake me up, so don't say sorry."
Yukito closed his eyes, snuggling unconsciously to the warmth of Touya's body he was nestled in. Sometimes he thought they knew each other more than they knew themselves. He did not want to talk about the dream and Touya would not pressure him. This was what he needed instead.
And indeed he would have apologized…
Slowly his heartbeat eased as well, breathing still intentionally paced and not quite natural yet but much steadier. The air was cold and crisp against his face and he surmised it would be dawn soon. He closed his eyes, still blurry, in hopes of hiding the last few tears still glazing them. At this he pressed slightly to the warmth at his side and sighed when he found comfort at last.
Touya stared at the pale face, deciding that Yukito looked much, much younger without glasses. The last time this happened Yukito fell on his back before Touya could speak, and somehow he just knew, whatever it was, it was something Yukito would tell him at once. When he didn't the next day it could only mean that he forgot what had happened – there were no secrets among them.
But this was the third time – Touya was starting to be alarmed. Reason told him that it would be best to talk to Yukito of this matter now while he still remembered the dream, and maybe it would make him feel better. But again this peculiar instinct, the one that told him at first sight that he could trust this boy, stopped him. Yukito wasn't ready.
Finally Yukito's breathing was steady, delicate features back to a peaceful glow. Touya let his fingers linger over his eyelids; then he placed them near his own lips. There they were again, the strange feelings.
Touya had tried his best not to let Yukito on his true feelings for over a year, but only minutes ago he had never felt more worried, seeing Yukito so frightened like never before, feeling his fear, and suddenly all pretense flew out the window as he gave in the urge to hold him. It was what woke him up, feeling Yukito's fear, what always woke him up and not Yukito's scream. At the sound of his plea Touya was sure he'd have jumped down from his bed to Yukito's side. Instead it was as if his heartbeat doubled, his chest tightening before he even opened his eyes, and there would be an instant where he couldn't move, couldn't breath as he heard a shout.
What *was* wrong with Yukito? If only that he knew… Touya tugged at the slender from, appreciating being able to hold him so close. The past few nights he woke up he could not sleep afterwards, but now with Yukito safe beside him where he could see him, could feel himself just envelope and protect the boy from whatever nightmare that shook both of them awake… He leaned further, closing his eyes as he raised himself slightly. Tears, cold but still existent on fair cheeks, were on both sides of Yukito's face and he wiped at them with his free hand, struggling to be as gentle as he could.
Without thinking he brushed his lips over Yukito's forehead, lingering a little down to his cheek. He could never bring himself to take those lips without permission, but warm breath touched his face so that they were breathing the same air and he could not resist a little feel of that indulgence. He touched his mouth to softness, unmoving, simply lingering once more. A little less than a kiss but definitely, definitely wonderful.
Long lashes swept shadows upward as misty amber opened, Yukito's handsome face full of confusion. He was just drifting to sleep when he felt phantom hands against his cheeks and he ignored it. But warmth, so real on his lips…
"To-ya…" he whispered, remaining in a dreamlike state long enough to simply whisper. He could see Touya's face still hovering over his.
"Did you… just… kiss me?"
Usually calm eyes widened, Touya snapping his head back instantly. He fisted at the sheets, heart pounding as Yukito curled closer to him, closing his eyes. For a moment he tried to sum up some sort of excuse, or denial, but when a hand raised to his shirt and clung to him and Yukito's breathing washed evenly against his neck he relaxed – ah, he was lucky to get out of this one so easily. Yukito had fallen asleep, dismissing his actions as a midnight reverie just as quick. Surely now it was alright…
"Ah." Touya replied needlessly. He closed his eyes as well, smiling. Yukito was so lovely. "So I did."
Silence. And then, "Okay."
Touya practically jerked upwards, staring at Yukito incredulously. Still awake? But those innocent eyes were closed and he remained the same, as if simply talking in his sleep. He looked incredibly comfortable, almost contented, now that Touya was beside him – and Touya backhanded himself mentally at these thoughts; he decided not to jump into conclusions when it came to Yukito's feeling for him, lest he come crashing to reality later on. He also decided not to speak anymore. Hopefully Yukito would forget this by tomorrow, just like his dream.
And then Yukito whispered something…
And Touya remained awake for the rest of the night.
***
It wasn't cold, just windy, and students were spilling out of the school gates with obvious cheer as they hurried along. Summer had been long and torturous and now with winter not quite present autumn's last few days had been perfect for outdoor activities.
Yukito opened his new present, a tin-foil wrapped large cookie with large chunks of chocolate in the middle that looked charmingly home-made. Li Shaoran had stopped by during lunch break earlier and had given in to him, face an appealing shade of pink, and ran away before he could eventhank him. It had some sort of inscription behind though, and it was addressed to Li – the cookie must have been a gift to him as well.
Hmm… he wondered who this Eriol was. The words were pretty sweet, and he wondered if Li saw them. He doubted the Li would give away such a loving gift had he known. Oh well… Yukito broke it in half and sat on the grass, leaning back on the tree trunk.
"To-ya." He touched his shoulder and the taller boy glanced at him. They both smiled.
"Ah. Thanks." Touya took the cookie, not really inclined to eating it. It was one of Yukito's favorites, anyway, and he decided to give it back later after he finished his share.
They sat mostly in silence, finishing their food – Yukito finishing their food – and after a while the park slowly emptied. It was almost six. "To-ya…" Yukito started, rubbing a hand over his shoulder. He enjoyed staying there, just sitting together, but they still had a lot to finish and it was getting late. The original plan was to go to Touya's house and do their homework, but Touya had suggested resting in the park first.
Touya had been quiet the entire day, spacing out during class and while they had lunch, talked. At times he'd just pause and stare at him, expression unreadable, and when Yukito tried teasing him sweetly the boy had stiffened and just *looked* at him, eyebrows slightly askew and eyes almost… sad.
*Why, To-ya…?* Yukito had wondered, and bowed his head. It stung, and he had not teased Touya the entire time after.
"Mm?" Touya shifted slightly to face Yukito and rested his weight forward on one open palm, simply staring for a while. "Okaero?" He let himself study the way Yukito smile shyly, watched him turn his head a little the other way.
He wasn't imagining it: Yukito *was* paler. And almost always weary. It seemed impossible considering how much he ate all the time, but even his shoulders seemed to sag, his eyes tired and half-lidded most of the time. Touya frowned as Yukito's expression turned to worry and forced himself to speak before he had to hear that sweet voice utter concern with a wisp of sadness – it made him feel like such an ass.
*I will always…*
Touya blinked – he did not want to think of last night anymore, of Yukito's murmurs. But… It hurt.
"I worry about you," was what he first said, not bothering to hide it. He wasn't sure what to ask Yukito, what to say. "Is something wrong?"
Yukito paused in surprise. "Wrong?" With him? He frowned a little. "What do you mean?"
He couldn't quite explain it; Yukito would not know the answer. He wasn't sure he wanted to ask about his dream yet despite the fact that it was driving him up the wall. "Have you," Touya considered it, changing the topic, "been sick lately?"
"Ah." Yukito smiled, but his eyes dulled for a moment. "I've been tired lately. But I'm sure nothing's wrong."
Touya crossed his arms, not intentionally sulking, but overtly discontented with the reply. Yukito would never admit to any discomfort, always trying to seem cheerful. It was almost annoying, his willing neglect of self that made him afraid to bother anyone in any way, and Touya knew it all too well. Sometimes, he wished, Yukito would for once think of his well-being first before other's. Then maybe he would realize whatever the hell was wrong with him and they could talk about it.
"I really am," the sweet voice insisted, as if proving Touya's previous flurry of thoughts. "Thank you for your concern, To-ya." Yukito pushed himself up to stand, offering a hand to Touya.
Touya stood up as well, grip on Yukito's hand firm but needless as he made sure not to tug on the extended arm. It had turned darker dramatically, the sun's presence retracting the reddish glow that lit over them just moments past. They had stayed longer than Touya planned and it was lucky that Sakura was scheduled to make dinner for tonight.
They walked slowly, despite losing enough time as it is, and Touya was more or less lost in his thoughts. Premonition clouded over him and the source of heaviness in his chest and shoulders came from Yukito altogether; whatever it was that was troubling Yukito concerned him in a big way. He had no doubt it was not something Yukito was doing intentionally – the boy seemed oblivious to the matter, even, except at night time when he rolled and cried in his sleep.
Days had turned into weeks and weeks to well over a year now since he had first met Tsukishiro Yukito, the somewhat shy, but instantly popular transferee who befriended him during the first few days of class. He had never been close to anyone and he surprised even himself when they started going to school, having lunch and studying at home together, and calling each other on the very few times they were apart. But he had no complains.
A touch, a look… Touya freely admitted to himself that perhaps the only reason he even considered talking to Yukito at first had nothing to do with instant camaraderie, although it was what enforced it. It was his smile, and not his approach, that caught Touya's eye, and the charming way Yukito lowered his eyelids whenever he was unsure of how Touya would react. Truth be told, after declining his every admirer's offer to sit beside him in class he had agreed to Yukito's request simply because he was *attracted* to him.
And so Yukito was as well, he had hoped a month or so after class, his heart swelling at the sound of his name from Yukito's voice. It was as if they made small advances on each other, unsure but excited with their crushe – Crushes? Was that the word?
Ah, but Kinomoto Touya did *not* have crushes. Not before Yukito, and it was pleasant doing simple things to please the boy or test his reactions. He initiated riding to school together on his bike; Yukito had started with the pet names. It was just that easy, finding contentment in their friendship-turning-into-something-else days, until…
*I will always… *
Why, Touya growled in his thoughts, why did he have to hear that? Why did Yukito say such a thing? Why him? Why this now? They never said it, but there was more than words between them, understanding and intimacy of actions that acknowledged each other's feelings as accepted. There had never been a need to rush things and commit, but…
He'd be lying if he said that he was doing any less than that. Touya was committed… They were not lovers but friends and yet he remained loyal and constant with his feelings for Yukito, treasuring his touch as his, his warmth, his presence alone that meant more than any promises. Yukito had to feel the same way, because *he* wasn't playing. He had fallen big time… He… he *did* love Yukito… And all this time he wished Yukito felt the same, that maybe their friendship was taking its natural course to something much more… But after Yukito confessed his feelings to *someone else* last night in his sleep his hopes had dwindled into the heated voice in his head desperately vying for some sign, any sign, that said he hadn't meant it.
"Anou, To-ya…" Yukito's voice was purposely softer, very quiet. He smiled worriedly at his friend. "Is something still bothering you?"
Touya blinked. How could he tell? He paused while walking to stare at Yukito, waiting for a reason, when the gray-haired boy glanced down at where their hands met. Touya's eyes widened slightly.
He had not let go of Yukito's hand since they stood up, and he didn't even realize it! It wasn't unusual – they walked home hand in hand before, not intentionally showing affection but just doing it, as if testing the grounds. But more so did he only notice now that he was gripping the smaller hand so tightly, hard enough to hurt. He eased his grip and turned to his friend's face apologetically, but when he tried to let the hand go slender fingers twined with his and Yukito stepped forward.
"To-ya, what is it?" Yukito asked gently. Gods, he sounded as if he was pleading, Touya thought uneasily, feeling his pulse quicken. There were no words for his meandering thoughts, no explanation of his worry but for that nagging feeling in his chest that told him…
No, he did not even want to think it! Golden amber depths were imploring so near his face and Touya held his breath, consciously trying not to squeeze Yukito's hand as he fought back realization – he knew what his fear had meant. This was something too important to him and he was afraid to hear the truth. Carefully he tugged at Yukito's hand and faced forward, forcing a smile as he shrugged.
Perhaps there was a way of knowing without *saying* it. "Nothing at all."
***
It was past eleven when they had finished with chemistry, and already Touya could see Yukito dozing off as he closed his notebook. He wasn't particularly tired; if anything he was wide awake and anxious.
"Finally…" Yukito huffed softly, slipping out of his chair to plop down on the bed. He rubbed his cheek against the covers, planning on staying there for a few minutes while Touya changed before transferring to his own mattress. He was glad he decided to change to his sleeping clothes right after dinner.
Yukito sprawled on his stomach in complete silence, fighting off completely falling asleep. He wished he could stay there instead of the floor, stay beside Touya… Briefly he reminisced about snuggling against Touya the night before and shut his eyes as he tried to close off the thread of thought it led to. Reluctantly he sat up.
He rubbed at his eyes stretched a little when something caught his eye. "To-ya?"
Touya was still on his seat, in the same position he was before Yukito lay down. He was simply looking at him, eyes hard and wistful as he took in the milky white arms and legs, slender yet well-built and almost transparent in color. He remembered having him over for the first time.
"Yuki… I…" Their eyes met, and Touya stood up to walk towards him. He was still wearing his uniform, jacket removed and shirt pulled out from the trousers. Yukito almost gasped as Touya took his wrist.
"To-ya…" Yukito's eyes looked a bit glassy after closing them for some time but somewhat bright, perhaps with anticipation, when Touya's other hand landed on his shoulder and the boy leaned forward to ease him on his back. He held his breath despite the urge to gasp when Touya covered him completely, his body resting on top of his. Instinctively he closed his eyes, a little anxious, a little afraid. He could barely let himself exhale.
*Is this, is this it?* Hot breath washed over his face and Yukito wondered if they were going to do it at last, make their relationship real. As if their position wasn't telling enough! But it would be such a significant step that one had to be sure. It was as if in their fond teasing and hinting they were just both waiting for the other to make the first move. Was it Touya, then?
Touya was silent above him, trying to get used to their position. He searched the delicate face for any apprehension, any doubt. He had to know, and now.
There was no other way to say it. Touya slid his hand into Yukito's, wanting to lean down and kiss him so badly, so much, but the weight of his thoughts swirled in his head, and he could still hear those words, Yukito's voice soft and needy at his neck when he whispered them the night before.
"Yuki, I…" Touya winced as his voice cracked, every emotion and hope that he built a day at a time with this boy now hanging on a thread, relying on this one answer. He needn't lies and false promises; he knew what he *really* needed. And if it meant being a substitute for someone else…
*Say it, Touya, please…* Yukito waited, heart pounding in his chest so loudly he was sure Touya could hear it. But Touya remained silent and instead bowed his head, lips hovering just slightly above his jaw. Then there was one kiss on his chin, on the side of his neck, on his ear; butterfly kisses that could barely be felt, and yet…
It shook his world. "To-ya!" Yukito proclaimed in a shock, bodily responses going haywire as for the first time Touya touched him in a manner inexcusably, exclusively amorous. Undeniably. He closed his eyes, let insistent small caresses line his throat as Touya kissed all the way to his collarbones, hands now gripping at his waist with urgency. He thought he could hear voices, muffled through the walls but recognizable: Sakura and Tomoyo, giggling over something. Immediately he bit his lips to stifle any sounds that might emerge.
Touya retracted for a moment only to lift Yukito's legs up the bed, quickly divesting himself of his shirt and belt before climbing atop him to straddle his hips and tease at his skin still. He smelt faintly of Sakura's shampoo, Yukito noted dreamily, not quite ready to respond but enjoying every new sensation Touya was providing him with, including that fact that this was *Touya*…
When Touya plucked his glasses off his face Yukito's breathing started to turn into a gasping pace, heat and cold fighting over the course of his skin. Of course he wanted Touya, so much that it practically was a physical ache, but were they really going to go all the way tonight? They weren't officially even together yet – a thought made him wonder if he was too conventional. Of course they were lovers now, if they were making out…
He felt Touya's fingers slip into the band of his boxers and his whole body jumped in response, hands gripping Touya's shoulders. And not for the mere implication of the act, but that Touya's entire hand was cold. He was nervous as well, a realization making Yukito feel a little better for some reason, and he rubbed a palm over his arm for attention.
"To-ya, wait…"
"Yuki…" Touya reaction was instant. He halted right away, head snapping back to look at him and reply. "Do you want to stop?" He was panting slightly.
Yukito almost frowned at Touya's tense, hesitant expression. It was not something you expect, after all, from one initiating sex. He had been anticipating something more along the lines of tenderness, a little nervousness perhaps, but assuring. Instead Touya looked plenty unsure himself.
Yukito placed a light hand on Touya's chest, not pushing but insistent enough to signal Touya to ease back for a while. "To-ya." He spoke softly, arms reaching down to take Touya's hands and clasp them on his. Why was it that he had been acting so strangely since this morning? He barely spoke the entire day, and now he was all over him.
"You're not ready," Touya murmured, tearing his eyes away from Yukito's face. He licked his lips. "I *know*."
Yukito reached out to touch Touya's cheek, his body protesting the delay. But why was Touya so aggressive all of the sudden? "What do you mean you know? What's this all about, To-ya?"
Touya sat up, raking his hand over his hair as he leaned back on the wall. His eyes trained on his desk, then outside the window, consciously aware of and avoiding Yukito's gaze. This was it; the axe was about to fall. It was plain fantasy that he wished Yukito would let him have his way and things would go smoothly for them in bed as first timers and then everything would be alright. Was that really his earlier plan? Or maybe he *had* expected Yukito to stop him.
"Yukito," he didn't glance at him but he could feel Yukito's somber reaction at being addressed by his real name for the first time since they gave each other nicknames. He decided not to beat around the bush. "Who is Clow Reed?"
Silvery bangs fell over Yukito's eyes as he tilted his head slightly and ended up looking adorably confused. "Who?"
"Clow Reed," Touya repeated curtly, tongue biting out the last word as he resented having to say the name again. He glanced at Yukito this time and felt like a heel all at once when the younger boy winced visibly at his tone, bowing his head.
"Why are you angry, To-ya?" He looked so affected, palms seeking to rub the pale forearm in true Yukito fashion whenever he was very nervous. "I don't know, but…"
Touya simply looked at him for a while, studying his response. "How can you not know?" Touya wondered out loud, feeling exasperated at both Yukito and himself. He could not *not* believe him though, Yukito's words were always true to his ears no matter what, but he resolved not to let the matter go yet. He forced a little more authority in his voice as he was about to ask again when he noticed the slender shoulders shaking. "Yuki?"
Yukito didn't respond, bowing his head further. Touya's eyes widened. Was Yukito… crying? "Yuki! What's wrong?"
The younger boy pressed his face into his hands, leaning against him when he wrapped his arms around him without a second thought. Was he being too severe? Did he scare him? Or was Yukito… guilty? He had jumped into conclusions enough – although with what he heard he was still convinced he had the right to be so apprehensive. He waited quietly, but didn't resist the urge to completely embrace his boy.
To his surprise Yukito answered right away, not even pausing to think. "I don't know…" His voiced cracked and he tried to inch closer. "I don't know why but it hurts…"
"What hurts?" Touya asked anxiously. He hadn't realized that Yukito was in pain. "Was I too heavy? Did I hurt you?"
Yukito looked up, tears about to fall. He was shaking, so suddenly and almost uncontrollably. And he was being honest – he didn't have a single clue why. "Not like that." He clutched both Touya's hands, bringing them to his chest. "It h-hurts here, To-ya. I don't know why. I'm scared and sad and lonely…"
Touya fell silent. He could feel Yukito's heartbeat heavily against his palm. And he didn't understand – why was Yukito so upset, so frightened, and why did he keep insisting that he didn't know why?
"I keep getting these dreams, To-ya…"
At this Touya held in his questions, intent on listening. Yukito knew of the dreams? He remembered?
"A man, older than us. I, I don't see myself but I feel very… different…" Yukito closed his eyes. "Always. I k-kiss him and he turns away…"
Touya leaned forward involuntarily, voice strikingly calm. "You kiss him?"
"A-ah." At this Yukito started taking heaving breaths, barely controlled, and he clutched at the sheets twisted beside his legs. "He turns away… I don't know who he is, To-ya, but it *really* hurts!"
Touya closed his eyes, pulling Yukito almost roughly in his arms. He didn't quite understand how he was feeling right now. Part of him was gravely jealous, wanting to demand who this person was that was so important to Yukito that his mere mention drove Yukito almost to tears, and part of him cried out with his boy, afraid to hurt him further. "You really don't know who he is?" Touya whispered, unsure of what to say. The head on his chest shook slightly.
"You called him in your sleep once," Touya murmured, leaning back further against the wall. "That's why I know his name."
Yukito tensed in his arms but did not move away to look at him. He remained there, softly sniffing. "When was this?"
"Yesterday." Touya stroked Yukito's back, wanting to show him that he wasn't angry at him. He wasn't that appeased that much either, but his edgy thoughts were directed more towards the character in the dream that Yukito.
*I will always…*
Touya closed his eyes, willing the ill feelings away if possible. Yukito's voice had been soft and wonderful against his skin, and truthful. "You said that you would always love him."
"N-nani?" Yukito sat up, eyes bright and wide as he regarded Touya's words with shock. Had he really said that? If so, was it the reason why Touya was so out of it this morning and, well, unpredictable that night? Yukito's entire body seemed to weaken with his disposition, both contrite and defensive at the same time.
"To-ya, that's not true…" he whispered after a moment, any tinge of outrage vanishing at his throat when he realized how he may have hurt Touya. For the longest time he had been wondering if Touya felt the same for him as he did for his taller friend, and he wasn't about to be at fault for driving them apart! It was unintentional, and he truly did not know who Clow Reed was or why he dreamt of him, of grand living rooms and snowy evenings and feathers, but for this to come between them…
He thought Touya would ask more questions and he was ready, even hoping, if he would. They should talk about this if it bothered Touya so much, and it certainly bothered himself – how long has it been since he had felt this loneliness, this weight of hidden memories that haunted him with sudden apprehensions.
Instead Touya took his hand. "I'll believe anything you tell me." His face was blank, unreadable as always, but his words where soft and soothing, like a low caress. Touya wondered to himself how he could feel this much in such a short time, barely a year of knowing Yukito, and entrusting his heart to this extent, speaking it, asking. "You don't need to explain any further. Just say now that I'm the one you lo… you want… I'll believe you. We can just forget all this, or solve it together, I don't care."
"To-ya…" Yukito swallowed, stunned by Touya's direct plea, humbled by it. He clutched at the hand gripping his and brought it to his chest, words drying at his throat. "L-listen…"
Touya let Yukito guide his hand to his chest - in place of the earlier rapid pace was a steady rise and fall, Yukito's eyes on his own. He stared back, letting his body relax as Yukito leaned forward, their hands still over his heart, and Yukito smiled at him slightly, eyes still glistening but clear and intent. And when he spoke to him, there faces barely apart, Touya did believe.
"It's just you, To-ya. There's no one else."
Yukito closed his eyes, and let himself be kissed.
***
"Ohayo otousan! Onnichan wa! Okaasan, ohayo to you, too!"
Kinomoto Fujitaka glanced at his eldest son, mildly curious why he did not respond in his usual teasing when Sakura bounced into the kitchen in a rush. Touya had simply smiled and went on with stacking hotcakes on their plates, expression calm but light. Cheerful.
Even Sakura was accustomed to being addressed as a kaijuu each morning and so she noticed her brother's silence. "Oniichan wa! You're in a good mood today, ne?"
Touya blinked, wondering what the girl was talking about. "What makes you say that --" and then it clicked. "little kaijuu?"
"Mou!" Sakura pouted cutely. "You just had to say that! I… naa, why aren't you in uniform?"
Touya's grin turned impish, eyes turning into naughty slits. He relished the words as it passed his lips, knowing exactly how envious his little sister would be. "Field trip."
"Iwaii~I!!!! You're so lucky oniichan!!!!" Green eyes twinkled and Touya let himself be questioned about every detail possible until light footsteps were heard from the hallway -- and Sakura practically fell over in hanyaan-ness. From the behind them approached a newly-showered, shy Yukito, bowing slightly to Fujitaka.
Green eyes widened, then turned to upside-down u's as Sakura tuned hanyaan full force. "Yukito-san!!!!!!!!!! You're here!" Sakura was almost stuttering. "Ohayo gozaimasu!"
"Ah, Tsukishiro-kun, ohayo!" Fujitaka greeted cheerfully. Yukito's hair was still damp, gray strands sticking to his forehead, and he looked slightly flushed from his shower. Swiftly an image of wings flapping came to his mind as their eyes met and Fujitaka blinked, a strange sensation, like a warm breeze, touching him from seemingly nowhere. And in a second it was gone, Yukito's amber eyes showing nothing of it.
Touya twisted around, feeling a whisper of ki from where his father sat. He wondered briefly what it was, but chose to ignore it when he caught glimpse of Sakura blushing furiously as Yukito explained more of their field trip throughout breakfast. "Oi, kaijuu, don't nod so much – you'll scare Yuki away!"
"Oniichan, hidoi!!!" Sakura glanced at Yukito and waved her hand when she realized that her voice was a little too loud. "Ah, gomen, gomen Yukito-san! Please, don't mind oniichan!"
Yukito chuckled, standing up to collect the plates. Sakura immediately clutched the ones nearest her and shook her head. "Let me do it, Yukito-san!"
"Are you sure, Sakura-chan?" He saw Touya walking towards the door and agreed, bowing to Fujitaka before following Touya. "We'll wait for you outside Sakura-chan!"
"Hai!" Came the ecstatic reply.
The moment he stepped out Touya was already straddling his bike, motioning for him to hop on. "Iko ni, Yuki."
"Matte, let's wait for Sakura-chan, ne?" Yukito walked towards the bike and sat behind him, already clutching his waist. Touya's hand rested on top of his for a while as they waited and he reminisced briefly of last night, of warm lips on his and falling asleep nestled in Touya's arms.
He didn't have it, the dream. Perhaps all he really needed was this, having felt so lonely for too long, and something in him was calling for help, for… for Touya.
"Feels good being able to show it, To-Ya." He murmured against Touya's back, remembering the restraint it needed the past year of early morning bike rides where he clutched at Touya's blazer pockets instead of daring to embrace him. Touya nodded.
"Ah." Touya closed his eyes briefly, smiling to himself. The doubting was over – from this day on there would only be this pleasant feeling between them…
He turned his head slightly and then back again just as quick, to simply brush his lips to where it fell of Yukito's face. Pleasant indeed.
"It does."
And, perhaps… it was worth the wait.
Owari ~
Visit my site! http://clik.to/shiine
Kinomoto Touya X Tsukishiro Yukito
Card Captor Sakura; PG-17
~Like flowers, unseen, wings flapped with ethereal movement in the darkness, small facets of light glinting against feather over feather of clear white that bring me to my former master, my hands reaching out to cup the guileless face with much surrender and fever-like abandonment; in this room I have once offered myself.
He closes his eyes, opening his heart to hungry lips that took his with a passion unknown to him – if this was what his guardian had to offer then surprise was not enough for him to stumble backwards and take reprieve, warmth flowing from his very being, his mere proximity. I touch him, slender fingers caressing the sides of his face and when he opens his eyes only does he realize that his glasses had been removed, his heart stilled.
"I wonder how, at times…" Dark blue lidding the clasp around my waist loosens when understanding forms between us. "How could I have created such beauty…"
Where splendor was offered he had much to respond, and yet; he took both my hands in his and I held my breath in the wonder of this nearness, more sensuous in grief and frail, majesty humbled before me even more breathtaking… But – this man does not feel the same way as I do. Slowly my smile vanishes as I realize, that our love was not the same.
"I'm sorry, Yue."~
***
"Matte!"
Darkness. Yukito clutched at is chest, gasping for air. Tears blurred the sight of his own hands right before his face and he felt them streak down one cheek, cold and unrestrained.
"Matte…" he whispered.
It took a moment to steady himself, remember where he was – the Kinomoto household, in Touya's room. Yukito breathed in, burying his face in his hands. Sure enough he was still seated on Fujitaka's extra futon, blanket pooled around his feet from thrashing.
That dream… wings and the same large hall, a door, a chair in the center, a man with dark hair and glasses that stood by the window. Snow. Softness. Certainty of need. They had touched each other so intimately with experience he didn't have that his cheeks pinked at the mere thought of their lips touching, and fear so real and frightening blossomed in his chest when their lips parted and the man started to speak.
His eyes looked so sad, and it was - Yukito felt the sudden urge to glance at Touya's bed right beside his, be assured of his presence – so painful and so…
"To-ya!" Yukito gasped at the sight of Touya's form in the darkness, still lying down but eyes already open. With him on the floor their eyes met at the same level, Yukito resisting the urge to suddenly hide his face at the thought of Touya seeing him in that predicament.
Touya pulled at his covers to his chin, rolling further towards his left to face him. His eyes were open, face expressionless. "Yuki." His voice was quiet, but not whispery.
"To-ya… how long have you, why didn't you…" Yukito paused, knowing his voice to be shaking. He froze as Touya gathered his sheets and sat up, only to slip down to his futon between him and his bed. He somehow wedged in and pulled at Yukito's abandoned blanket, wrapping it around the boy's shoulders.
Yukito looked like he was about to stutter something out once more but Touya placed his forefinger over his lips, face so near his that all he could see was him, uncharacteristically worried.
"Don't think about that anymore," Touya instructed, carefully easing Yukito on his back. "And you didn't wake me up, so don't say sorry."
Yukito closed his eyes, snuggling unconsciously to the warmth of Touya's body he was nestled in. Sometimes he thought they knew each other more than they knew themselves. He did not want to talk about the dream and Touya would not pressure him. This was what he needed instead.
And indeed he would have apologized…
Slowly his heartbeat eased as well, breathing still intentionally paced and not quite natural yet but much steadier. The air was cold and crisp against his face and he surmised it would be dawn soon. He closed his eyes, still blurry, in hopes of hiding the last few tears still glazing them. At this he pressed slightly to the warmth at his side and sighed when he found comfort at last.
Touya stared at the pale face, deciding that Yukito looked much, much younger without glasses. The last time this happened Yukito fell on his back before Touya could speak, and somehow he just knew, whatever it was, it was something Yukito would tell him at once. When he didn't the next day it could only mean that he forgot what had happened – there were no secrets among them.
But this was the third time – Touya was starting to be alarmed. Reason told him that it would be best to talk to Yukito of this matter now while he still remembered the dream, and maybe it would make him feel better. But again this peculiar instinct, the one that told him at first sight that he could trust this boy, stopped him. Yukito wasn't ready.
Finally Yukito's breathing was steady, delicate features back to a peaceful glow. Touya let his fingers linger over his eyelids; then he placed them near his own lips. There they were again, the strange feelings.
Touya had tried his best not to let Yukito on his true feelings for over a year, but only minutes ago he had never felt more worried, seeing Yukito so frightened like never before, feeling his fear, and suddenly all pretense flew out the window as he gave in the urge to hold him. It was what woke him up, feeling Yukito's fear, what always woke him up and not Yukito's scream. At the sound of his plea Touya was sure he'd have jumped down from his bed to Yukito's side. Instead it was as if his heartbeat doubled, his chest tightening before he even opened his eyes, and there would be an instant where he couldn't move, couldn't breath as he heard a shout.
What *was* wrong with Yukito? If only that he knew… Touya tugged at the slender from, appreciating being able to hold him so close. The past few nights he woke up he could not sleep afterwards, but now with Yukito safe beside him where he could see him, could feel himself just envelope and protect the boy from whatever nightmare that shook both of them awake… He leaned further, closing his eyes as he raised himself slightly. Tears, cold but still existent on fair cheeks, were on both sides of Yukito's face and he wiped at them with his free hand, struggling to be as gentle as he could.
Without thinking he brushed his lips over Yukito's forehead, lingering a little down to his cheek. He could never bring himself to take those lips without permission, but warm breath touched his face so that they were breathing the same air and he could not resist a little feel of that indulgence. He touched his mouth to softness, unmoving, simply lingering once more. A little less than a kiss but definitely, definitely wonderful.
Long lashes swept shadows upward as misty amber opened, Yukito's handsome face full of confusion. He was just drifting to sleep when he felt phantom hands against his cheeks and he ignored it. But warmth, so real on his lips…
"To-ya…" he whispered, remaining in a dreamlike state long enough to simply whisper. He could see Touya's face still hovering over his.
"Did you… just… kiss me?"
Usually calm eyes widened, Touya snapping his head back instantly. He fisted at the sheets, heart pounding as Yukito curled closer to him, closing his eyes. For a moment he tried to sum up some sort of excuse, or denial, but when a hand raised to his shirt and clung to him and Yukito's breathing washed evenly against his neck he relaxed – ah, he was lucky to get out of this one so easily. Yukito had fallen asleep, dismissing his actions as a midnight reverie just as quick. Surely now it was alright…
"Ah." Touya replied needlessly. He closed his eyes as well, smiling. Yukito was so lovely. "So I did."
Silence. And then, "Okay."
Touya practically jerked upwards, staring at Yukito incredulously. Still awake? But those innocent eyes were closed and he remained the same, as if simply talking in his sleep. He looked incredibly comfortable, almost contented, now that Touya was beside him – and Touya backhanded himself mentally at these thoughts; he decided not to jump into conclusions when it came to Yukito's feeling for him, lest he come crashing to reality later on. He also decided not to speak anymore. Hopefully Yukito would forget this by tomorrow, just like his dream.
And then Yukito whispered something…
And Touya remained awake for the rest of the night.
***
It wasn't cold, just windy, and students were spilling out of the school gates with obvious cheer as they hurried along. Summer had been long and torturous and now with winter not quite present autumn's last few days had been perfect for outdoor activities.
Yukito opened his new present, a tin-foil wrapped large cookie with large chunks of chocolate in the middle that looked charmingly home-made. Li Shaoran had stopped by during lunch break earlier and had given in to him, face an appealing shade of pink, and ran away before he could eventhank him. It had some sort of inscription behind though, and it was addressed to Li – the cookie must have been a gift to him as well.
Hmm… he wondered who this Eriol was. The words were pretty sweet, and he wondered if Li saw them. He doubted the Li would give away such a loving gift had he known. Oh well… Yukito broke it in half and sat on the grass, leaning back on the tree trunk.
"To-ya." He touched his shoulder and the taller boy glanced at him. They both smiled.
"Ah. Thanks." Touya took the cookie, not really inclined to eating it. It was one of Yukito's favorites, anyway, and he decided to give it back later after he finished his share.
They sat mostly in silence, finishing their food – Yukito finishing their food – and after a while the park slowly emptied. It was almost six. "To-ya…" Yukito started, rubbing a hand over his shoulder. He enjoyed staying there, just sitting together, but they still had a lot to finish and it was getting late. The original plan was to go to Touya's house and do their homework, but Touya had suggested resting in the park first.
Touya had been quiet the entire day, spacing out during class and while they had lunch, talked. At times he'd just pause and stare at him, expression unreadable, and when Yukito tried teasing him sweetly the boy had stiffened and just *looked* at him, eyebrows slightly askew and eyes almost… sad.
*Why, To-ya…?* Yukito had wondered, and bowed his head. It stung, and he had not teased Touya the entire time after.
"Mm?" Touya shifted slightly to face Yukito and rested his weight forward on one open palm, simply staring for a while. "Okaero?" He let himself study the way Yukito smile shyly, watched him turn his head a little the other way.
He wasn't imagining it: Yukito *was* paler. And almost always weary. It seemed impossible considering how much he ate all the time, but even his shoulders seemed to sag, his eyes tired and half-lidded most of the time. Touya frowned as Yukito's expression turned to worry and forced himself to speak before he had to hear that sweet voice utter concern with a wisp of sadness – it made him feel like such an ass.
*I will always…*
Touya blinked – he did not want to think of last night anymore, of Yukito's murmurs. But… It hurt.
"I worry about you," was what he first said, not bothering to hide it. He wasn't sure what to ask Yukito, what to say. "Is something wrong?"
Yukito paused in surprise. "Wrong?" With him? He frowned a little. "What do you mean?"
He couldn't quite explain it; Yukito would not know the answer. He wasn't sure he wanted to ask about his dream yet despite the fact that it was driving him up the wall. "Have you," Touya considered it, changing the topic, "been sick lately?"
"Ah." Yukito smiled, but his eyes dulled for a moment. "I've been tired lately. But I'm sure nothing's wrong."
Touya crossed his arms, not intentionally sulking, but overtly discontented with the reply. Yukito would never admit to any discomfort, always trying to seem cheerful. It was almost annoying, his willing neglect of self that made him afraid to bother anyone in any way, and Touya knew it all too well. Sometimes, he wished, Yukito would for once think of his well-being first before other's. Then maybe he would realize whatever the hell was wrong with him and they could talk about it.
"I really am," the sweet voice insisted, as if proving Touya's previous flurry of thoughts. "Thank you for your concern, To-ya." Yukito pushed himself up to stand, offering a hand to Touya.
Touya stood up as well, grip on Yukito's hand firm but needless as he made sure not to tug on the extended arm. It had turned darker dramatically, the sun's presence retracting the reddish glow that lit over them just moments past. They had stayed longer than Touya planned and it was lucky that Sakura was scheduled to make dinner for tonight.
They walked slowly, despite losing enough time as it is, and Touya was more or less lost in his thoughts. Premonition clouded over him and the source of heaviness in his chest and shoulders came from Yukito altogether; whatever it was that was troubling Yukito concerned him in a big way. He had no doubt it was not something Yukito was doing intentionally – the boy seemed oblivious to the matter, even, except at night time when he rolled and cried in his sleep.
Days had turned into weeks and weeks to well over a year now since he had first met Tsukishiro Yukito, the somewhat shy, but instantly popular transferee who befriended him during the first few days of class. He had never been close to anyone and he surprised even himself when they started going to school, having lunch and studying at home together, and calling each other on the very few times they were apart. But he had no complains.
A touch, a look… Touya freely admitted to himself that perhaps the only reason he even considered talking to Yukito at first had nothing to do with instant camaraderie, although it was what enforced it. It was his smile, and not his approach, that caught Touya's eye, and the charming way Yukito lowered his eyelids whenever he was unsure of how Touya would react. Truth be told, after declining his every admirer's offer to sit beside him in class he had agreed to Yukito's request simply because he was *attracted* to him.
And so Yukito was as well, he had hoped a month or so after class, his heart swelling at the sound of his name from Yukito's voice. It was as if they made small advances on each other, unsure but excited with their crushe – Crushes? Was that the word?
Ah, but Kinomoto Touya did *not* have crushes. Not before Yukito, and it was pleasant doing simple things to please the boy or test his reactions. He initiated riding to school together on his bike; Yukito had started with the pet names. It was just that easy, finding contentment in their friendship-turning-into-something-else days, until…
*I will always… *
Why, Touya growled in his thoughts, why did he have to hear that? Why did Yukito say such a thing? Why him? Why this now? They never said it, but there was more than words between them, understanding and intimacy of actions that acknowledged each other's feelings as accepted. There had never been a need to rush things and commit, but…
He'd be lying if he said that he was doing any less than that. Touya was committed… They were not lovers but friends and yet he remained loyal and constant with his feelings for Yukito, treasuring his touch as his, his warmth, his presence alone that meant more than any promises. Yukito had to feel the same way, because *he* wasn't playing. He had fallen big time… He… he *did* love Yukito… And all this time he wished Yukito felt the same, that maybe their friendship was taking its natural course to something much more… But after Yukito confessed his feelings to *someone else* last night in his sleep his hopes had dwindled into the heated voice in his head desperately vying for some sign, any sign, that said he hadn't meant it.
"Anou, To-ya…" Yukito's voice was purposely softer, very quiet. He smiled worriedly at his friend. "Is something still bothering you?"
Touya blinked. How could he tell? He paused while walking to stare at Yukito, waiting for a reason, when the gray-haired boy glanced down at where their hands met. Touya's eyes widened slightly.
He had not let go of Yukito's hand since they stood up, and he didn't even realize it! It wasn't unusual – they walked home hand in hand before, not intentionally showing affection but just doing it, as if testing the grounds. But more so did he only notice now that he was gripping the smaller hand so tightly, hard enough to hurt. He eased his grip and turned to his friend's face apologetically, but when he tried to let the hand go slender fingers twined with his and Yukito stepped forward.
"To-ya, what is it?" Yukito asked gently. Gods, he sounded as if he was pleading, Touya thought uneasily, feeling his pulse quicken. There were no words for his meandering thoughts, no explanation of his worry but for that nagging feeling in his chest that told him…
No, he did not even want to think it! Golden amber depths were imploring so near his face and Touya held his breath, consciously trying not to squeeze Yukito's hand as he fought back realization – he knew what his fear had meant. This was something too important to him and he was afraid to hear the truth. Carefully he tugged at Yukito's hand and faced forward, forcing a smile as he shrugged.
Perhaps there was a way of knowing without *saying* it. "Nothing at all."
***
It was past eleven when they had finished with chemistry, and already Touya could see Yukito dozing off as he closed his notebook. He wasn't particularly tired; if anything he was wide awake and anxious.
"Finally…" Yukito huffed softly, slipping out of his chair to plop down on the bed. He rubbed his cheek against the covers, planning on staying there for a few minutes while Touya changed before transferring to his own mattress. He was glad he decided to change to his sleeping clothes right after dinner.
Yukito sprawled on his stomach in complete silence, fighting off completely falling asleep. He wished he could stay there instead of the floor, stay beside Touya… Briefly he reminisced about snuggling against Touya the night before and shut his eyes as he tried to close off the thread of thought it led to. Reluctantly he sat up.
He rubbed at his eyes stretched a little when something caught his eye. "To-ya?"
Touya was still on his seat, in the same position he was before Yukito lay down. He was simply looking at him, eyes hard and wistful as he took in the milky white arms and legs, slender yet well-built and almost transparent in color. He remembered having him over for the first time.
"Yuki… I…" Their eyes met, and Touya stood up to walk towards him. He was still wearing his uniform, jacket removed and shirt pulled out from the trousers. Yukito almost gasped as Touya took his wrist.
"To-ya…" Yukito's eyes looked a bit glassy after closing them for some time but somewhat bright, perhaps with anticipation, when Touya's other hand landed on his shoulder and the boy leaned forward to ease him on his back. He held his breath despite the urge to gasp when Touya covered him completely, his body resting on top of his. Instinctively he closed his eyes, a little anxious, a little afraid. He could barely let himself exhale.
*Is this, is this it?* Hot breath washed over his face and Yukito wondered if they were going to do it at last, make their relationship real. As if their position wasn't telling enough! But it would be such a significant step that one had to be sure. It was as if in their fond teasing and hinting they were just both waiting for the other to make the first move. Was it Touya, then?
Touya was silent above him, trying to get used to their position. He searched the delicate face for any apprehension, any doubt. He had to know, and now.
There was no other way to say it. Touya slid his hand into Yukito's, wanting to lean down and kiss him so badly, so much, but the weight of his thoughts swirled in his head, and he could still hear those words, Yukito's voice soft and needy at his neck when he whispered them the night before.
"Yuki, I…" Touya winced as his voice cracked, every emotion and hope that he built a day at a time with this boy now hanging on a thread, relying on this one answer. He needn't lies and false promises; he knew what he *really* needed. And if it meant being a substitute for someone else…
*Say it, Touya, please…* Yukito waited, heart pounding in his chest so loudly he was sure Touya could hear it. But Touya remained silent and instead bowed his head, lips hovering just slightly above his jaw. Then there was one kiss on his chin, on the side of his neck, on his ear; butterfly kisses that could barely be felt, and yet…
It shook his world. "To-ya!" Yukito proclaimed in a shock, bodily responses going haywire as for the first time Touya touched him in a manner inexcusably, exclusively amorous. Undeniably. He closed his eyes, let insistent small caresses line his throat as Touya kissed all the way to his collarbones, hands now gripping at his waist with urgency. He thought he could hear voices, muffled through the walls but recognizable: Sakura and Tomoyo, giggling over something. Immediately he bit his lips to stifle any sounds that might emerge.
Touya retracted for a moment only to lift Yukito's legs up the bed, quickly divesting himself of his shirt and belt before climbing atop him to straddle his hips and tease at his skin still. He smelt faintly of Sakura's shampoo, Yukito noted dreamily, not quite ready to respond but enjoying every new sensation Touya was providing him with, including that fact that this was *Touya*…
When Touya plucked his glasses off his face Yukito's breathing started to turn into a gasping pace, heat and cold fighting over the course of his skin. Of course he wanted Touya, so much that it practically was a physical ache, but were they really going to go all the way tonight? They weren't officially even together yet – a thought made him wonder if he was too conventional. Of course they were lovers now, if they were making out…
He felt Touya's fingers slip into the band of his boxers and his whole body jumped in response, hands gripping Touya's shoulders. And not for the mere implication of the act, but that Touya's entire hand was cold. He was nervous as well, a realization making Yukito feel a little better for some reason, and he rubbed a palm over his arm for attention.
"To-ya, wait…"
"Yuki…" Touya reaction was instant. He halted right away, head snapping back to look at him and reply. "Do you want to stop?" He was panting slightly.
Yukito almost frowned at Touya's tense, hesitant expression. It was not something you expect, after all, from one initiating sex. He had been anticipating something more along the lines of tenderness, a little nervousness perhaps, but assuring. Instead Touya looked plenty unsure himself.
Yukito placed a light hand on Touya's chest, not pushing but insistent enough to signal Touya to ease back for a while. "To-ya." He spoke softly, arms reaching down to take Touya's hands and clasp them on his. Why was it that he had been acting so strangely since this morning? He barely spoke the entire day, and now he was all over him.
"You're not ready," Touya murmured, tearing his eyes away from Yukito's face. He licked his lips. "I *know*."
Yukito reached out to touch Touya's cheek, his body protesting the delay. But why was Touya so aggressive all of the sudden? "What do you mean you know? What's this all about, To-ya?"
Touya sat up, raking his hand over his hair as he leaned back on the wall. His eyes trained on his desk, then outside the window, consciously aware of and avoiding Yukito's gaze. This was it; the axe was about to fall. It was plain fantasy that he wished Yukito would let him have his way and things would go smoothly for them in bed as first timers and then everything would be alright. Was that really his earlier plan? Or maybe he *had* expected Yukito to stop him.
"Yukito," he didn't glance at him but he could feel Yukito's somber reaction at being addressed by his real name for the first time since they gave each other nicknames. He decided not to beat around the bush. "Who is Clow Reed?"
Silvery bangs fell over Yukito's eyes as he tilted his head slightly and ended up looking adorably confused. "Who?"
"Clow Reed," Touya repeated curtly, tongue biting out the last word as he resented having to say the name again. He glanced at Yukito this time and felt like a heel all at once when the younger boy winced visibly at his tone, bowing his head.
"Why are you angry, To-ya?" He looked so affected, palms seeking to rub the pale forearm in true Yukito fashion whenever he was very nervous. "I don't know, but…"
Touya simply looked at him for a while, studying his response. "How can you not know?" Touya wondered out loud, feeling exasperated at both Yukito and himself. He could not *not* believe him though, Yukito's words were always true to his ears no matter what, but he resolved not to let the matter go yet. He forced a little more authority in his voice as he was about to ask again when he noticed the slender shoulders shaking. "Yuki?"
Yukito didn't respond, bowing his head further. Touya's eyes widened. Was Yukito… crying? "Yuki! What's wrong?"
The younger boy pressed his face into his hands, leaning against him when he wrapped his arms around him without a second thought. Was he being too severe? Did he scare him? Or was Yukito… guilty? He had jumped into conclusions enough – although with what he heard he was still convinced he had the right to be so apprehensive. He waited quietly, but didn't resist the urge to completely embrace his boy.
To his surprise Yukito answered right away, not even pausing to think. "I don't know…" His voiced cracked and he tried to inch closer. "I don't know why but it hurts…"
"What hurts?" Touya asked anxiously. He hadn't realized that Yukito was in pain. "Was I too heavy? Did I hurt you?"
Yukito looked up, tears about to fall. He was shaking, so suddenly and almost uncontrollably. And he was being honest – he didn't have a single clue why. "Not like that." He clutched both Touya's hands, bringing them to his chest. "It h-hurts here, To-ya. I don't know why. I'm scared and sad and lonely…"
Touya fell silent. He could feel Yukito's heartbeat heavily against his palm. And he didn't understand – why was Yukito so upset, so frightened, and why did he keep insisting that he didn't know why?
"I keep getting these dreams, To-ya…"
At this Touya held in his questions, intent on listening. Yukito knew of the dreams? He remembered?
"A man, older than us. I, I don't see myself but I feel very… different…" Yukito closed his eyes. "Always. I k-kiss him and he turns away…"
Touya leaned forward involuntarily, voice strikingly calm. "You kiss him?"
"A-ah." At this Yukito started taking heaving breaths, barely controlled, and he clutched at the sheets twisted beside his legs. "He turns away… I don't know who he is, To-ya, but it *really* hurts!"
Touya closed his eyes, pulling Yukito almost roughly in his arms. He didn't quite understand how he was feeling right now. Part of him was gravely jealous, wanting to demand who this person was that was so important to Yukito that his mere mention drove Yukito almost to tears, and part of him cried out with his boy, afraid to hurt him further. "You really don't know who he is?" Touya whispered, unsure of what to say. The head on his chest shook slightly.
"You called him in your sleep once," Touya murmured, leaning back further against the wall. "That's why I know his name."
Yukito tensed in his arms but did not move away to look at him. He remained there, softly sniffing. "When was this?"
"Yesterday." Touya stroked Yukito's back, wanting to show him that he wasn't angry at him. He wasn't that appeased that much either, but his edgy thoughts were directed more towards the character in the dream that Yukito.
*I will always…*
Touya closed his eyes, willing the ill feelings away if possible. Yukito's voice had been soft and wonderful against his skin, and truthful. "You said that you would always love him."
"N-nani?" Yukito sat up, eyes bright and wide as he regarded Touya's words with shock. Had he really said that? If so, was it the reason why Touya was so out of it this morning and, well, unpredictable that night? Yukito's entire body seemed to weaken with his disposition, both contrite and defensive at the same time.
"To-ya, that's not true…" he whispered after a moment, any tinge of outrage vanishing at his throat when he realized how he may have hurt Touya. For the longest time he had been wondering if Touya felt the same for him as he did for his taller friend, and he wasn't about to be at fault for driving them apart! It was unintentional, and he truly did not know who Clow Reed was or why he dreamt of him, of grand living rooms and snowy evenings and feathers, but for this to come between them…
He thought Touya would ask more questions and he was ready, even hoping, if he would. They should talk about this if it bothered Touya so much, and it certainly bothered himself – how long has it been since he had felt this loneliness, this weight of hidden memories that haunted him with sudden apprehensions.
Instead Touya took his hand. "I'll believe anything you tell me." His face was blank, unreadable as always, but his words where soft and soothing, like a low caress. Touya wondered to himself how he could feel this much in such a short time, barely a year of knowing Yukito, and entrusting his heart to this extent, speaking it, asking. "You don't need to explain any further. Just say now that I'm the one you lo… you want… I'll believe you. We can just forget all this, or solve it together, I don't care."
"To-ya…" Yukito swallowed, stunned by Touya's direct plea, humbled by it. He clutched at the hand gripping his and brought it to his chest, words drying at his throat. "L-listen…"
Touya let Yukito guide his hand to his chest - in place of the earlier rapid pace was a steady rise and fall, Yukito's eyes on his own. He stared back, letting his body relax as Yukito leaned forward, their hands still over his heart, and Yukito smiled at him slightly, eyes still glistening but clear and intent. And when he spoke to him, there faces barely apart, Touya did believe.
"It's just you, To-ya. There's no one else."
Yukito closed his eyes, and let himself be kissed.
***
"Ohayo otousan! Onnichan wa! Okaasan, ohayo to you, too!"
Kinomoto Fujitaka glanced at his eldest son, mildly curious why he did not respond in his usual teasing when Sakura bounced into the kitchen in a rush. Touya had simply smiled and went on with stacking hotcakes on their plates, expression calm but light. Cheerful.
Even Sakura was accustomed to being addressed as a kaijuu each morning and so she noticed her brother's silence. "Oniichan wa! You're in a good mood today, ne?"
Touya blinked, wondering what the girl was talking about. "What makes you say that --" and then it clicked. "little kaijuu?"
"Mou!" Sakura pouted cutely. "You just had to say that! I… naa, why aren't you in uniform?"
Touya's grin turned impish, eyes turning into naughty slits. He relished the words as it passed his lips, knowing exactly how envious his little sister would be. "Field trip."
"Iwaii~I!!!! You're so lucky oniichan!!!!" Green eyes twinkled and Touya let himself be questioned about every detail possible until light footsteps were heard from the hallway -- and Sakura practically fell over in hanyaan-ness. From the behind them approached a newly-showered, shy Yukito, bowing slightly to Fujitaka.
Green eyes widened, then turned to upside-down u's as Sakura tuned hanyaan full force. "Yukito-san!!!!!!!!!! You're here!" Sakura was almost stuttering. "Ohayo gozaimasu!"
"Ah, Tsukishiro-kun, ohayo!" Fujitaka greeted cheerfully. Yukito's hair was still damp, gray strands sticking to his forehead, and he looked slightly flushed from his shower. Swiftly an image of wings flapping came to his mind as their eyes met and Fujitaka blinked, a strange sensation, like a warm breeze, touching him from seemingly nowhere. And in a second it was gone, Yukito's amber eyes showing nothing of it.
Touya twisted around, feeling a whisper of ki from where his father sat. He wondered briefly what it was, but chose to ignore it when he caught glimpse of Sakura blushing furiously as Yukito explained more of their field trip throughout breakfast. "Oi, kaijuu, don't nod so much – you'll scare Yuki away!"
"Oniichan, hidoi!!!" Sakura glanced at Yukito and waved her hand when she realized that her voice was a little too loud. "Ah, gomen, gomen Yukito-san! Please, don't mind oniichan!"
Yukito chuckled, standing up to collect the plates. Sakura immediately clutched the ones nearest her and shook her head. "Let me do it, Yukito-san!"
"Are you sure, Sakura-chan?" He saw Touya walking towards the door and agreed, bowing to Fujitaka before following Touya. "We'll wait for you outside Sakura-chan!"
"Hai!" Came the ecstatic reply.
The moment he stepped out Touya was already straddling his bike, motioning for him to hop on. "Iko ni, Yuki."
"Matte, let's wait for Sakura-chan, ne?" Yukito walked towards the bike and sat behind him, already clutching his waist. Touya's hand rested on top of his for a while as they waited and he reminisced briefly of last night, of warm lips on his and falling asleep nestled in Touya's arms.
He didn't have it, the dream. Perhaps all he really needed was this, having felt so lonely for too long, and something in him was calling for help, for… for Touya.
"Feels good being able to show it, To-Ya." He murmured against Touya's back, remembering the restraint it needed the past year of early morning bike rides where he clutched at Touya's blazer pockets instead of daring to embrace him. Touya nodded.
"Ah." Touya closed his eyes briefly, smiling to himself. The doubting was over – from this day on there would only be this pleasant feeling between them…
He turned his head slightly and then back again just as quick, to simply brush his lips to where it fell of Yukito's face. Pleasant indeed.
"It does."
And, perhaps… it was worth the wait.
Owari ~
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