A/N: Hilarity Ensues.

A Warthog came to a stop in the middle of Blood Gulch. The driver sighed, leaning back against the seat and staring out at the canyon. The mans name was John, or, more notably known as Master Chief. He was in Blood Gulch on direct orders from many people, including Cortana. Three days prior he'd gotten the holy hell beaten out of him, and although he was a tough bastard to incapacitate, it did happen occasionally. He still managed to kill the squadron of Elites, mind, but he paid a price for it. Odds were he'd back to normal within a few weeks, but until then he was to be on Light Duty, so they sent him to a boxed canyon in the middle of nowhere, where nothing ever happened aside from the stupid Blue vs. Red civil war façade.

Chief had been briefly briefed on the 'soldiers' station there before he'd departed, so now all he had to do was chose: Red…or Blue? Or, to translated what going through his head into normal English: Which of these shoddy excuses for bases, with pathetic excuses for soldiers is going to drive me less insane?

In the end, he ended up doing the ultimate decision make that had indeed worked for centuries: Coin flip.

And no, I don't know where Master Chief got a coin to flip, either. Maybe he used his powers of badassery to summon it, who knows?

After a best-two-out-of-three series of coin flips, the Chief ended up going to Red Base. The whole drive there he was mentally preparing himself for what he was about to face. Also, he concluded, he preferred dealing with aliens than he did with people. Maybe it had to do with the fact that he could shoot the aliens, and for the most part it was still frowned upon when you shot people you were supposed to be a hero to.

He pulled up to a stop outside of Red Base, cutting the engine in the Warthog, and hopping out of the vehicle. He walked up to the base, looking around as he did and came to a stop in front of the entrance. It seemed like there was no one there. This filled Chief with a mixture of relief an annoyance; relief because if on the off chance no one was stationed there he, wouldn't have to put with the soldiers there. Annoyance because if someone says there are men at a base, then god damn it, they should be at the base!

Sighing, he walked up the ramp and into the center of the base. Deciding he didn't want to startle anyone and risk getting shot, he called out and asked if anyone was around. He didn't receive a vocal reply, but the sound of scuffling behind him caused him to turn.

And then…he froze.

Outside the base, another Warthog pulled up. A red soldier and an orange soldier were stationed in it, and the red one regarded the strange new Warthog carefully. He turned to the other occupant of the vehicle and spoke.

"Grif, stay here, I'm gonna go see who's in our base!" the man exclaimed. "If it's a dirty Blue, why I'm gonna-"

The southern man was cut off by a very girly shriek from inside, followed by gun fire and yelling.

"OH SWEET MOTHER OF GOD, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?"

"What in Sam Hell?" the red soldier bolted into the base without further thought, yelling over his shoulder for Grif to stay put.

"Yeah, Sarge, you go investigate what that was!" Grif called.

Sarge entered the base cautiously, sneaking around corners and darting between shadows. He felt horrible for having to sneak around his own base, but he knew that sometimes in battle you had to do such things. He lunged into the center room of the base and looked around. An empty magazine lay on the floor, and bullet holes littered the walls and floor. Finding the room clear of any dirty Blues, he was now at a loss for the woman who had been screaming.

Sarge looked up, only to find Master Chief clinging to a pipe that ran across the ceiling. The old man frowned beneath his helmet. "Why, Master Chief? What the hell are you doing here, and why are you climbing on my ceiling like a god darned spider? You should be ashamed of yourself, soldier! Showing such cowardice for nothin'!"

Chief scowled at the guy through his HUD. He noticed the shadow looming behind Sarge, but decided since the guy had been rather annoying, he wouldn't inform him of it. Instead he just fumbled with his rifle, attempting to slap another clip in it without falling off the pipe.

No, I don't know how your typical water pipe-line can hold up a one thousand pound, seven foot tall super soldier, either. Maybe Chief used his power of badassery to…wait… déjà vu, much?

Sarge continued to blather on and on about stuff he thought was important, but really wasn't, and had Master Chief not been so fixated on the creature behind him, he would have shut him up with a quick snarky remark and then waltzed out of the room without a care in the world.

"But really, what got you to get all the way up there, anyway?" Sarge asked.

"Cockroach," Chief replied, successfully getting the new round of bullets in his gun.

"A…cockroach? You've faced an entire alien race and you're scared of a cockroach?" Sarge exclaimed. He opened his mouth to continue berating MC, but the green soldier simply extended a finger, pointing behind Sarge. Red Team's leader turned around to see what being pointed out to him…

Grif was relaxing in the Warthog, smoking a cigarette and staring up at the sky when the second girly yell of the day snapped him out of his reverie. He bolted out of the Warthog and almost ran into the base before stopping. He skidded to a halt in the entrance and wondered if he should really risk entering or not. After all, it was only Sarge in there, what did he care if the guy got hurt?

The yellow soldier sighed, steeling himself and entering the base. Despite his laziness, he wasn't entirely heartless.

Grif wasn't as sneaky as Sarge had been, he just walked right into the middle of the base, pausing in the center of the room to survey the scene before him. Master Chief, and Sarge were both clinging to pipes hanging from the ceiling, seemingly too scared to come down.

"Cockroach!" the both snapped before he could ask.

"What?" Grif asked, looking down at the floor. "Where? I hate those fuckin' things, I will stomp the shit out of that mother fucker!"

"Behind you."

Grif turned around, still looking at the floor. He then proceeded to look up at the bug…if one could call it a bug. After all, cockroaches weren't normally the size of cows, now were they?

"OH MY GOD!"

Church looked over in the direction of Red Base, having just heard what he could have sworn was the second or third round of rapid gunfire that day. He began to wonder what those fuckin' idiots were doing, when all of a sudden the base simply exploded.

"Woah!" the cobalt soldier exclaimed, jumping back. "What the hell is going on over there?"

"Uh, Church?" Tucker's voice called. "I think we got a problem down here…"

"Yeah, what is it now?"

"Well…are cockroaches normally the size of a jeep?"