I don't usually write fanfiction because I know for a fact that I'm not good with words. I don't even know why I am doing this. Actually, I do. It's because my FF13 game broke down right when it was getting good, and I'm also writing this on a whim to avoid my mountain of holiday homework. I apologize in advance for the characters being OOC.

Characters belong to Square Enix and Disney.

Edit: As much as I want to continue this mess, it's embarrassing just to read it over, so I've tried to rewrite it in Cloud's POV so things might be a little easier for me.

"Isn't he dreamy?" Tifa cooed as she leaned her chin into a raised palm.

Gaia, not this again. With an annoyed sigh, I folded my arms across my chest, offering the woman seated beside me a look of indifference. Honestly, what did she expect me to do? Agree? "I hope you're not expecting me to answer that."

Tifa ignored my sarcastic response with a lengthy sigh. "That hair, those leathers, that butt―"

"I'm going back to the Bailey." I interjected curtly before standing up to leave. This is getting ridiculous. I could be training right now.

Hands instantly shot up to grab at my sleeved arm, pulling me back into the seat with a sharp tug. "Cloud, you promised me you'd help." Tifa cried as she placed her hands on my shoulder pauldron to keep me in place. "I didn't promise you anything." I replied dryly, averting my eyes aside to look away from Tifa's pleading expression. I wasn't about to fall for that one again.

She relaxed her hold on my armour, resting her hands on the fabric of my sleeve. "You promised you'd always be there for me whenever I'm in a pickle."

Why does she always use that against me? My perpetual frown softened at the mention of our childhood promise. I wasn't about to break my promise, and unfortunately, she knew that. I turned my head back towards Tifa, meeting her gaze with feelings of nostalgia stirring within me. After a brief moment of silence, I briefly looked around and spoke. "I don't see any pickles."

"Cloud!" Tifa groaned in exasperation as she her hands flew up to the sides of her head. Biting down a smirk, I responded with a noncommittal grunt, rising from my seat in another attempt to leave. I had better things to do with my time. Tifa quickly pulled me down with a strong tug. Gaia, damn it. "Look, I really like this guy." she said, giving a subtle nod towards the oblivious man who was currently adorning an annoyed frown at Cid's violent antics towards the Restoration's large computer. I tried not to roll my eyes at her. I know. You tell me this every day. But I wouldn't voice that aloud, as I have no desire to deal with enraged women. Rosso was bad enough. I glanced at the brunet who was irritatedly swatting the older man's hands away, leaning down to give him an example of the appropriate way to type without beating all the keys in. Give it up, Leonhart, Cid will never be a civilized man.

I turned my head at a sudden hitched noise coming from beside me. Tifa's cheeks were tinted a few shades red than usual. I felt like I missed something. My eyebrows knitted in confusion at her abrupt pause as I wondered what she was staring so intently at. I turned to follow her widened gaze, only to be met with a slightly raised leather clad ass. Curse you, Leonhart.

"I'm going." I announced firmly as I shrugged off her slacked grasp. I was not about to spend the rest of my day staring at Leon's ass with her. Unsurprisingly, Tifa stubbornly latched on. "Cloud, you know I never asked you for much." she said softly. My frown immediately deepened. Oh, you did not just say that.

-Flashbacks-

"Cloud, I'd like you to help take care of Marlene with me while Barret's gone." Tifa said as she smiled sweetly at the small girl beside her. Marlene returned the smile with a cheeky grin which earned her an affectionate pat on the head from the older woman. I glanced down at Marlene with a frown. "Where did Barret go?"

Marlene lifted an arm up, her other hand grasping on to the elbow of the raised arm in an attempt to imitate her father's signature pose. "Imma go do me some soul searchin'." she said in the deepest voice she could muster. Tifa laughed at her antics while my frown remained unwavering. Soul searching? I thought he already found it. "Didn't he just win that eBay auction for the entire collection of James Brown's records?" I asked with genuine confusion. Tifa rolled her eyes and lead Marlene towards her new room. "Once we clear this place up, you'll be staying here."

"Hey, that's my room!" I protested.

"Cloud," Tifa cooed in a singsong voice that I learned to grow wary of. This is my cue to leave. I folded my arms across my chest and turned to walk away. "Come back here, Spiky!" Yuffie beckoned, bouncing with her arms waving animatedly above her head. Great, Yuffie's in on this too. This only means I need to walk faster.

Much to my dismay, Tifa managed to grab a hold of my arm before I could manage my escape. I have the worst luck. Better get this over with… I let out a defeated sigh before giving Tifa a cautious look. "What do you want?"

The girls disregarded my dejected response with triumphant grins. Yuffie ran up to my other side, raising a poster to my eye level. This can't be good. "We want you to join the Hades Paradox Cup with us!" she announced excitedly. I scowled at the mention of the god's name, pushing the poster away from my face. I'm never associating myself in anything that god has to offer. "Not interested."

The girls groaned at my expected response, but they persisted anyway. "Think about it this way, Spikes." Yuffie started as she placed her hands on her narrow hips. My lips twitched in a frown at the nickname. I refused to acknowledge that my hair was as spiky as everyone says it is. "It'll be training for Sephiroth."

My eyed narrowed dangerously at the young ninja. While I understood that Yuffie did have a point, I did not have any desire to be defeated by a boy wielding a ridiculously large key again. My pride could only take so much damage. "Not interested." I repeated firmly.

"Cloud, even Leon agreed to sign up." Tifa offered. "I really doubt Sora can take all four of us on."

I had to admit, Leonhart is a worthy opponent. Probably the only decent sparring partner I've had during my time at the Coliseum. My lips tightened in thought. Then again, it's not the first time Sora managed to defeat Leonhart and I together… I blame him entirely.

"Fine."

Like hell that kid could win a four against one.

The next day, the four of us silently limped back to the Restoration Committee headquarters in shameful defeat.

Fuck this.

"Cloud, why don't you dress up as a girl?" Aerith suggested with an eerie smile. "It's the only way." she added for good measure.

I had to have heard that wrong. My eyes widened comically, my expression clear with displeasure at the notion. "What!" I exclaimed. No way am I dressing up as a woman! I'm a soldier!

"Just wait." Aerith's smile didn't falter as she ignored my protesting outbursts. I shivered inwardly at that smile. Gaia, help me.

She approached the doorman standing before the extravagant manor's doors. "I've got a cute friend I want to bring." she said with suppressed laughter. I narrowed my eyes at her effortless attempt to muffle her giggling. Say what you want, Aerith, but I'm not going to play along with your ridiculous plan. I couldn't help but notice the doorman giving her a sleazy grin, his eyes blatantly too occupied being fixated on the slit of her dress for him to form a proper answer. Get ready to be acquainted with my fists, you perverted creep―

Before I could punch the doorman in the face, Aerith pulled on my arm to lead me away. "Aerith! I can't―"

"You are worried about Tifa, aren't you?" Aerith paused in her steps to give me an encouraging smile. I frowned. I had to save her. I paused briefly and finally gave her a hesitant nod. I made a promise.

"Then come on! Hurry!" Aerith urged, breaking into an uncontrollable laughter shortly after.

I'm already regretting this.

-End flashbacks-

"None of us expected Sora to have gotten so powerful in such a short amount of time!" Tifa protested in her defense. I wordlessly shot her a glare. That defeat momentarily shattered my pride beyond all recognition. Tifa flinched at my dark scowl, but continued to defend herself. "And it wasn't like I had wanted to give myself to that short pervert!"

My glare only hardened at the topic of that rescue mission. "Get yourself out of this pickle." I said tersely. Tifa let out a dejected groan. "But Cloud―"

"I was in a dress, Tifa."

An ugly dress, at that.

"You didn't have to―"

"I was in a bra, a thong, and a purple dress for you."

My crotch hurt just thinking about it.

"Cloud, please?" Tifa pleaded, her eyes widening in resemblance to one of the many dalmatian puppies Sora frequently brought in for reasons unknown to me. I closed my eyes to avoid her expression, eventually letting out a heavy sigh. It was always better to just humor her. "What do you want?"

Tifa instantly beamed at my change of heart as she brought her hands together. "I'd like you to get to know Leon. You know, become friends." she said with much enthusiasm.

You've got to be kidding me. The longest conversation I've had with that man was that one time I asked where the blade polish was. I was about to question her motive and sanity, but I was cut off as she happily continued to elaborate on her flawed plan. "Find out what he likes and doesn't like, etc. Most importantly, talk me up!" she explained. "Besides, it's about time you made a friend around here."

I frowned, unsure whether or not if that was an insult to my almost nonexistent social skills. "Why can't you do that yourself?"

"Because, Cloud," she said in a borderline condescending tone. "I'm not a man."

I raised an eyebrow in amusement at the statement. Sometimes, I really doubted that. Unfortunately my action did not go unnoticed as she promptly punched my arm, which resulted in a strangled yelp. And by that, I mean a manly cry.

With a slight cringe in place, I looked up to see Yuffie heading straight towards Leon, her eyes also attached to his raised behind as she approached him. This made me wonder if staring at Leonhart's ass was a past time everyone in the Restoration Committee took part in. I should really tell him about this one day. She paused in her stroll at my masculine outburst, then turned her attention towards us. I quickly replaced my pained expression with a stoic frown. She gave me a knowing grin and made a crude whipping gesture with her arms before resuming her walk towards the Restoration leader. The nerve of that girl! I am not whipped. I'm only highly susceptible to persuasion... and violence.

"As I was saying," Tifa growled, her voice effectively cutting off my train of thought. "I'm not a man, so he'd be less inclined to tell me certain things that I'd like to know."

"Like what?"

"You know, penis siz―"

"I still think you should do this on your own."

"But Cloud! You promised―"

"No."

Tifa made a frustrated sound in exasperation. "Leon!" she yelled abruptly. What the―

I snapped my head towards her with eyes widened in disbelief as the brunet turned his attention towards the shrill cry of his name. After tossing Cid a last warning look, he headed towards our seats at Merlin's hopelessly messy round table. "What is it?" he asked.

"Cloud has something he'd like to say to you." Tifa said with feigned innocence, effortlessly ignoring my heated glare. I hate you so much right now.

Behind Leon, Yuffie smothered a snort in her hands. That's it, they're both going on my hit list right under Sephiroth's name.

"Really," Leon mused with a mildly surprised glance directed at me. "Well, we're going to have to take this outside, because Yuffie told me she noticed a problem with the pipes." he then turned to exit the small Restoration headquarters, an amused Yuffie trailing behind him. I don't want to take anything outside.

I opened my mouth to protest, but before I could manage a word, Tifa had knocked me out of my chair with a forceful push. Fortunately my reflexes kicked in before I could fall to the ground. I snapped my head in her direction to shoot her another glare and grudgingly followed the Committee leader out the door. I'm just going to explain to him that I had absolutely nothing to say.

Once outside, Leon offered his attention to me as the three of us walked alongside towards the Restoration site. "Well?"

I sounded an annoyed grunt at my predicament. "Leon―" I began, but I was cut off by a loud buzz emitting from my pocket. "Hold on, I'm vibrating." I grumbled as I took out my silently ringing cell phone. It was a text message from Tifa. 'Cloud, if u screw this up i will kill u 4 real.'

I can't believe she was actually expecting me to play along with her ridiculous plan. "Lovely." I muttered sarcastically, promptly texting back a response. 'This isn't going to work, Tifa. What the Gaia am I supposed to tell him?'

Leon raised an eyebrow at the situation, Yuffie mirroring his expression behind him. Don't give me those looks, this isn't supposed to be happening. Before I could manage a word, my phone vibrated again. 'I dunno tell him u like belts and leather too or somethin. start a conversation! its gona work, cloud, stop bein a dick'

I'm not being a dick. I'm positive that this last minute plan of hers isn't going to work. If Tifa wanted Leon to bond with someone over belts and leather, I would introduce him to Sephiroth. I shook my head in disbelief, my fingers quick to respond. 'I hate you.'

I rolled my eyes and made a move to pocket my phone, only to have a reply came almost instantly. I should really turn this thing off. 'dats a lie and u know it. we were childhood BFFs!'

Very funny.

'What in Gaia's name are you talking about? You were horrible to me back then.' I growled under my breath and texted my response fervently. Framing someone for getting you into a coma isn't what best friends do. Don't think I forgot about that, Lockhart.

I heard Leon grunt in irritation as I sent the message. I looked up and offered him an apologetic glance. Seconds later, another text message reply came. 'omg dont talk about dis now, go talk to leon! stick with the plan!'

Of all the terrible plans I've taken part in, I can easily say this is one of worst. Trust me, I've done a lot of stupid things. I decided I'd humor Tifa and prove to her that the idea of Leon and I suddenly becoming friends was beyond ridiculous. With an inaudible groan, I finally slipped my cell phone back into my pant pocket. "Sorry about that." I mumbled apologetically. Leon turned his head in my direction with a quirked brow, Yuffie bouncing beside him in silent curiosity. Her silence worried me.

"I..." I trailed awkwardly, having absolutely no idea where I was going with this. I should have really thought things through. What in the worlds was I supposed to say when I had nothing to say? "I… I like..." I continued to mumble. Gaia, screw this. I'm just going to say what Tifa told me to, and if it doesn't work out, I'll blame her for the awful advice. "I like―"

I briefly turned my gaze towards Yuffie when I heard her suppressing a laugh. I looked up to see her going through my text messages. Wait a minute! When did she get that!

"You are so whipped. Whuppah!" she mouthed as she made another gesture of a whipping motion with her arms.

My fists clenched at Yuffie's mocking actions. That's it, I've reached my daily quota of being harassed by women for today. I narrowed my eyes into a pointed glare before raising my voice. Enough was enough. "Yu―!"

Yuffie abruptly cut off my enraged cry with a playful, sharp smack on my behind. How did she even get beside me! I jolted visibly at the hit, earning a concerned expression from Leon. "Cloud?" he asked, but I ignored him as I cursed under my breath as I was about to turn to grab at the cheeky teenager.

"... I didn't know you felt that way about me." Leon said in hesitation before I could turn to give the ninja a much deserved pummelling.

Huh? I honestly had no idea what he was talking about. I turned back to give Leon a quizzical expression. I don't remember saying anything about― ...

Gaia, kill me now.

We stood in a tense, awkward silence. Except for Yuffie, who looked all too enthused at the strange turn of events. "Yeah, I didn't know you felt that way about him, Cloud!"

Shut up, Yuffie. I silently fixated a glare towards her, inwardly grateful for her distraction which allowed me to tear my eyes away from Leon's worried expression. Though, regardless of her much appreciated distraction, I'm not going to let her live to see tomorrow because of this.

"Yuffie, you should go." Leon finally said. "I know where the Restoration site is, and I'm sure a leaking pipe could be easily spotted without your help."

For once, I didn't want Yuffie to leave. The last thing I want right now is to be left alone with Leonhart after that. I reluctantly decided to suck in the remains of my pride and soften my expression to give Yuffie an almost pleading look. Yuffie's face twisted into a grimace. Why you little...

"But I―" she protested.

"Go." Leon said firmly.

"Aw, man." Yuffie whined before reluctantly turning around to walk away. Damn it...

Leon focused his attention on me, his confused expression hinting that he was fully expecting me to elaborate.

I let out a small sigh as I brought a hand up to rub at my temples. This day really couldn't get any worse. "Look, Leon... that was an a―"

Before I could tell him that was an accident, I was cut off - again - by a loud vibration in my pocket. At least Yuffie gave me my phone back.

Leon frowned and gave me a stiff nod in a gesture to tell me it was fine for me to respond to my too frequent income of text messages. I don't blame him, any distraction was welcome at this point. I took my phone out, peering down at yet another angry message from Tifa. 'if u dont ask leon out 4 dinner 4 male bonding or somethin before u get back, i will cry and beat u into an unrecognizable mess.'

I scowled and pocketed my phone with a heavy sigh. I couldn't possibly ask him to dinner after just saying that, let alone to any occasion at all, considering the extent to our bonding consisted of wordless spars. Then again, I didn't want Tifa to complain about this to me for the rest of day either. Honestly, I couldn't figure out which one of the two fates was worse. Hmm. I guess I could incorporate them…

"Leon… Can we discuss this over dinner?"

I'm a genius. I'll explain everything to him tonight with my phone off and things can go back to the way they were. Why is he looking at me like that?

"What?" came Leon's small voice after a brief pause.

I frowned at the question, not wanting to have to repeat myself. "I asked if we could discuss this over dinner."

"I know what you said." he said slowly, as if he was having trouble digesting my words. It's a simple question, Leonhart.

"Is that a yes or a no?"

"Are you asking me out?"

Wh-what? Very funny, Leonhart.

"I suppose I'm free tonight."

"Good. I'll see you later."

Wait…

What the fuck.

And that was how I accidentally asked Squall 'Hyne damn it, it's Leon' Leonhart out on a date.

A/N: I don't know. I just have no idea. I don't know where I'm going with this, but I imagine this all happening with everyone drawn in a cartoony Disney style. Feel free to tell me if I should continue this or not because I just have no idea. As for the flamers, trust me, I know how bad this is ― I edited this 3 times while it was still up to notice that none of it actually made any sense. At least this beats doing homework.