Delirium or Insanity?

Chapter, 6

'I'm going to kill you!'

Those words echoed and faded in his head like a flickering candle being snuffed out from lack of oxygen. Awareness, consciousness was pushing forward making the distant dream corrode with forgetfulness. Blinking blearily one lone emerald green eye, clouded with a haze of slumber, opened. In a lethargic daze he lifted a hand to his unruly bed head. A yawn escaped the redhead's lips as he stretched his sore muscles. Looking around Lavi saw the mountains of books and paper covered floor.

Automatically he closed his eye as a groan escaped his lips and buried himself into the blankets more. Work, today Bookman was going to chew him out of not keeping up with his logs. He knew this because for the past couple of days the redhead had completely neglected his work while the old man was away on a mission. Today was going to be torture as he sat hunched over a desk writing five days worth of logs.

With a small displeased groan he sat up in his bed feeling the covers roll down his body. They made a soft 'thump' as they landed upon his thighs. Yet his attention was on the uncomfortable feeling of wrinkled clothes nipping at his skin. It wasn't unusual for him to wake in yesterday's clothes, in fact it was quite normal when work piled up and the redhead had to spend all his time catching up. That was the problem through. Lavi did not remember even starting his logs at all, actually he didn't remember anything from yesterday.

"Don't recall comin' here or goin' to bed either."

An emerald eye widens in shock and panic made his limbs shake while his brow furrowed in confusion. Never, not once in all the years he was working with Bookman had he forgotten everything about a day. When he tried to think of yesterday all that came to mind were deep shadows full of pain and the smell of lotuses. Fear ate at his fake plastic heart as the feeling of dread washed over him.

What happened?

What did he do yesterday?

Why was it coming to his mind as a blank slot?

This dread had a way of making the redhead nausea with it's hidden meaning that only allowed him to think he did something wrong. Putting his head in his hands Lavi breathed slowly through his nose to quiet the storm rumbling inside. Yet this was something he could not ignore and it needed to be told to Bookman. Until then Lavi needed to act normal, he needed to put on more of an act than usual.

Sighing the redhead flung the covers off so he could get up and begin his day while he waited for the old man to return. A displeased groan escaped dry lips as he moved the sore muscles underneath flesh that was sticky with dried sweat. Without delay he grabbed clean clothes before heading for the bath houses.

It seemed troublesome today as everyone passing by raised a hand in greeting or voiced words of good wishes. Some stopping hoping to talk more, to catch up with the cheerful redhead they had not seen in a while even through they just talk a day ago. Annoying, demanding when all he wanted was to take a quick shower before going to breakfast. But the act must go on like always and the guise must be kept.

Another bleak day with the morning light peeking through dark storm clouds as they hit the gray stone walls. Gray, dark, gloomy, depressing, colorless. Today was a day he would use his cheerful demeanor to brighten the oppressive atmosphere. It was a day that his bright red hair, orange scarf, and green eye helped push away the black shadows.

No doubt today the overbearing weight of the war would be crushing everyone like two bags of 500 pound rocks. And as 'Lavi' it was his job to bring the cheer because everyone including Bookman expected it from him. If not everyone then at least the old panda did for it was in this alias' nature and not giving into the personality would cause trouble with his teacher.

Rubbing the back of his head Lavi sighed as he wished for the rain to come. Rain would turn this dark day into a glowing star that burned away all the gloom. If it rained then the day would belong to Kanda, no one else but the moody exorcist. A promise that Lavi would fulfill happily, delightfully. Though he was pretty sure the long haired exorcist wouldn't be to excited about it.

A few moments passed as he reached the bath houses, opened the door, and undressed. It was a slight surprise that no one else was there yet he figured that with the weather many would be reluctant to get out of bed, much less leave their rooms. The redhead sighed as the warm water curled around his body, easing the tension out of his limbs. Distractedly he removed his eye patch, to prevent it from getting wet, and placed it on the ground behind him. With eyes closed Lavi allowed images, events of his week to flash behind his eyelids.

Not a detail was overlooked, not even one word was lost. Every face and every feeling was brought to the surface over and over again. Yet no matter how many times he recalled the past week, yesterday was no where to be found in his memories. Then there was this little problem he had where he thought about and only of Kanda. Long black hair and sharp glaring sapphire eyes were imprinted into his mind.

A fallen angel, a pretty defective doll, a ticking time bomb filled with fireworks. So many ways, yes there were so many ways to describe the Japanese exorcist, but every one seemed to be lacking. His lips twisted into a forced grim smile that marred his fair features. Pushing the thoughts away Lavi began to clean the sweat and grim that coated his skin in a light invisible blanket.

Twenty minutes later he was standing in the cafeteria with his usual grin plastered on his lips and feeling slightly refreshed. It was starting now, beginning as everyone came to talk with him about anything they could think of. Mostly it was about the gloomy weather and how they wished it would clear up. How they wished the sun would shine and the rain would not come. It was really of no surprise that he was the only one wishing it would rain so he could escape everyone's madness.

The chilly draft that consumed the Order blew passed him causing a shiver to run down his spine as its coldness touched his damp skin. Thin fingers tugged at his headband that laid around his neck as he debated using it to hold back the still wet locks surrounding his head. It wasn't a long debate as the redhead decided against it because he didn't feel like having to go get another one when this one soaked up the water in his hair. Yet he did wish that he had brought his exorcist jacket with him to put on over the thin long sleeved shirt he was now wearing.

Sighing again for the third time today Lavi walked to the line hoping to get some breakfast. Maybe after he got his food and sat down everyone would just let him eat in silence. Though he doubted it the redhead knew that once he ate something the annoyed, irritable feeling he had would lessen and become more bearable. As for his missing memory well that could be pushed aside until Bookman came back. He was good at that, at pushing things away and saving them for later.

Pain and the smell of lotus flowers.

Why did those things bother him so much?

Why was the pain his own as well as someone else's?

All the possibilities of him causing some damage he did not know about or how bad it could be. It just frightened him in a way that nothing else had. In a brief moment when no one was speaking to him Lavi thought he heard the pitter-patter of rain outside. But before he could confirm it a Finder was beside him saying 'Good morning' and something along the lines of 'What dreary weather we're having today.' Honestly Lavi wasn't listening anymore; why should he when all anyone every said was exactly the same.

Putting on another smile the redhead talked to Jerry as he ordered his meal. Lavi's mood darkened even more as he fell into a delirium caused by the gloom around him. A delirium that only got worse every time someone spoke to him. Soft yearning, sharp craving for his one and only samurai that could bring him out of this black mucky mess. The one person he did not have to put up a front for.

He sighed as he took a seat at an empty table though he knew no peace would come from it. For it would only encourage people to come sit and talk with the redhead about their troubles. The sounds around him were a wall of loud mindless chatter that mixed together as it pounded against his head. And for the fifteenth time he thought about how much today was going to suck, as well as how much he wished for the rain so he could escape. Running away was all the redhead wanted because running would lead to the one thing he wanted most.

His food tasted like ash in his mouth as he strained his ears to hear the noises outside hoping, with the little bit of hope he had left, that the splattering of rain drops against stone would come. During this time Allen and Lenalee made their way through the crowd to sit down right across from him. To caught up in his thoughts, listening for the rain, and mechanically eating Lavi did not hear or see them. Their voices were just more noise in the clamorous background.

Lavi poked and prodded his breakfast creating a big mess of mushy watery eggs. There was no point in eating when he wasn't hungry and it just left a bad taste in his mouth. He could feel the eyes of his friend studying him in a worried fashion, but he ignored them. Preferring to watch the dark grey clouds move outside.

'I wonder what Yuu is doing now.'

A sharp pain shot through his leg as soon as that thought finished in his head. On reflex he yelped and grabbed his leg before glaring at the two in front of him. Allen sat innocently eating his massive pile of food he called 'breakfast'. Lenalee smiled at him with that kind smile of her's which at the moment annoyed the redhead more than it calmed him.

"What's wrong, Lavi?" she asked. He shook his head as he let out a quiet 'nothing' before scooping up some eggs and eating them. Grey eyes scanned over his face as their owner put down his plate. "It doesn't look like nothing." Allen said in an even tone. "You look like someone drained the life right out of you."

Rolling his emerald eye Lavi continued to eat his cold meal to avoid answering the constant questions. The two shared a worry look and the redhead could see the distress pass from Lenalee to Allen. He could only guess what was passing through their minds yet he was sure that it was about how he never acted this 'down', 'depressed', 'lifeless' whatever the words they were using it didn't matter to him.

Where was the rain?

Where was Yuu?

That was all he cared about, that was all that circled his mind. Lavi did not want to listen to anyone expect Yuu, did not want to hear anybody else's voice expect Yuu's. Cravings for the long haired exorcist's touch ripped him apart and tainted him the longer they were ignored. Picking up his tray he stood before walking away to throw his unfinished meal in the trash. And it wasn't until the redhead turned to leave did he notice the shift in mood.

The white noise filled of loud laughter and talking quieted down to a gasping breathe of a whisper. Looks of worry along with fear etched their way on to most of the Finders' faces. Lavi didn't even have to look to see who it was that had entered the cafeteria. Yet when he turned to see the Japanese exorcist he understood the looks of fear. For it would seem Kanda was in a particularly foul mood.

The harsh glare coming form those ice cold blue eyes only confirmed this unspoken fact. Kanda's body was tense, rigged as a hand lay on Mugen's hilt. Pale pink lips were twisted into a tight frown. Yet the redhead could see the deep bags under the other's eyes from lack of sleep. He could see the stress that lay around him like a blanket.

As one emerald green eye swept over the long haired exorcist Lavi's chest swelled with that weird emotion he couldn't put a name on. It warmed him from head to toe while pushing his craving into an unbearable urge that he could not control. The redhead's legs moved on their own as he ran across the room. His eye never looked away from Kanda as the other turned his back on him.

Lavi felt the gloom lift from his mind as a wide smile spread across his face. Each finger prickled as they twitched from their owner's want to bury them in long black hair. A sharp pain stabbed at his heart at the sight of Kanda yet the happiness out shined it. His ears picked up the sound of rain hitting the gray stone walls which made him practically over flow with joy.

As soon as he was close enough the redhead launched himself at the long haired exorcist, who had yet to turn around. Wrapping his arm around the lithe frame of his sanctuary Lavi pulled him in close.

"Yuu-chan."

He buried his nose in the crook of Kanda's neck while he breathed in that soothing smell that belonged to the other. Kanda tensed under the heavy feel of the body draped over him as well as the soft breath that hit his flesh. A second of fear entered his cold sapphire eyes before it was covered up with rage. Grinding his teeth together the Japanese exorcist let out a growl. Without a second thought he pulled back his arm and elbowed Lavi in the ribs before knocking the redhead on his back by kicking his feet out from under him.

A small distressed sound escaped the redhead lips as pain exploded all over his body the moment he hit the ground. Breathing was made difficult from the ache in his ribs and came out as short gasps. Lavi was double over on the ground clutching at his sides while his arms covered his chest. Tears gathered in his green eye yet stayed trapped in his eyelashes.

"Y-Yuu."

He saw the panic, fear, and anger mixing together in glaring eyes as he watched the other. Confusion bubbled up inside himself at the way Kanda reacted. A strong reaction that he never got even through the Japanese exorcist made it clear that he hated his touch.

Why was Kanda scared?

Where was the panic coming from?

Why did he feel like he deserved this and so much more?

"If you fucking touch me again or even come near me I swear I'll fucking castrate you." Kanda hissed. "And you better take that into serious consideration because I'm not joking. If I ever see your face again it will get a proper introduction to Mugen."

"Y-Yuu." Lavi gasped out as he struggled to get up. He didn't understand what was happening, did not understand why the other was acting like this. More importantly he wanted to know why there was fear in those cold eyes. This emotion was out of place on that fair face; so out of place that it made the redhead's heart squeezed painfully in his chest.

An emerald eye watched as Kanda backed away as he got to his feet. Watched as those eyes never left his form even as he was kicked to the ground. He winced as every breath he took rattled his bruised ribs. A silent laugh echoed in his mind as he marveled at the strength the long haired exorcist had. Lavi had seen it in battle, but never had he experienced the full force of it before.

After a few minutes he was able to breathe normally and stand a little straighter. The pain had faded to a bearable throb, for now as he took a few steps forward. Closing his eye he thought about the new lecture he was going to get from Bookman on top of the one he was already preparing for.

'I better go get this checked out at the infirmary before the old man gets back.'

Sighing at the thought he opened his eye in time to watch Kanda move back as he moved forward. That fear was showing through again, more prominent as it slithered through his eyes and marked his face. Raising a hand Lavi went to touch the Japanese exorcist's cheek.

The cafeteria was completely silent now as everyone watched the two exorcist. Lenalee and Allen stood a few feet away watching with concern; to see Kanda lash out at Lavi like that was shocking. To have him actually injury the redhead to that extent was unusual.

Stepping closer the hammer wielding exorcist saw the other flinch ever so slightly. It was so small a movement that only he was able to see it. Long lithe fingers gripped the hilt of Mugen preparing to make their owner's threat true. The redhead lowered his out stretched hand as a hurt look crossed his features. A fake wide smile that looked like a forlorn grimace in Kanda's eyes spread across his lips.

Constant waves of a sharp dull throbbing resounded in his chest. He blamed the pain on his bruised ribs while he took a deep shuttering breath.

"Looks like I won't be able to spend the day wit' ya, Yuu-chan."

With shaking steps Lavi turned his back on the other before walking out of the cafeteria and its enclosing walls. Each step he took jolted his bruised ribs causing a sharp pain to spread throughout his chest. Yet his ribs weren't the only thing hurting in that spot. The redhead just couldn't understand anything today, he could not use his bookman training to further understand what just happened. Lavi could not understand why he was crying.

From the moment he stepped through those cafeteria doors his tears poured from his eyes like the rain fell from the sky. Guilt ate away at his heart, guilt that he couldn't place. Why did he feel so guiltily and why was this guilt triggered by Kanda?

Everything passed by him in a blur, mixing into a steady grey smear of different shades. His brain not registering his surroundings as it was too focused on the events that had past. Stuff that he couldn't, yet wished to remember, as well as the clear view of Kanda with slight fear in his sapphire eyes. An underwater effect muddled his sight even more as more tears gathered in his emerald eye. That fear cut the redhead deeply for he knew he was its cause in some way.

To deep in his thoughts Lavi failed to notice the closed doors of the infirmary. He grabbed his nose with both hands as pain exploded throughout his face. Curses left his lips as he angrily pushed the doors open, completely stunned at the fact he had run in to them. A dark emotion curled around inside him as his mood sank deeper under the black murky surface of the lake inside him.

The nurses looked up at him bewildered at his entrance. Sharp eyes glared at the redhead in displeasure as their owner walked over to him. Lavi was panting heavily from the pain of his broken ribs. Sweat clung to his skin and hair making it a slightly darker red. A green eye shone with barely hidden rage while tears seemed to magnify the one orb.

"And what can I help you with?" The Head Nurse asked a little sharply. She didn't appreciate his rude entrance for it had disrupted her healing patients.

"I got...into a fight...with Yuu-chan." He paused to catch his breath and ease the pain slightly. "I think...he broke...some ribs."

The Head Nurse clicked her tongue in disapproval at his story. This wasn't the first time Lavi was in here because he went to far with his jokes and it definitely wouldn't be the last. Whenever he did come in she always wondered how much longer it would take for him to realize he shouldn't be pulling pranks like he did. Especially if his victim for that practical joke was Kanda Yuu, the moodiest exorcist at the Order. As well as the one lest amused by these kinds of things.

Waving a hand towards a free bed she sighed as she left to get the supplies she might knew. Sitting down heavily on the pristine white bed Lavi hung his head already being consumed by his thoughts once again. Lithe fingers wiped away the drying tears as he rounded up his emotions into a tiny corner of his being. Emotionless was the best thing to be until Bookman came back. He could deal with everything then when he had someone who could help. Someone that could straighten out his mind so he could think.

It was just the long lecture he knew he was going to get that turned this idea sour, but it needed to be done. Just like his logs needed to get done before the old panda came back. Lavi sighed, or more like wheezed, as he knew it was going to be impossible to get them done before Bookman noticed the lack of work.

The Head Nurse came back with everything she needed and proceeded to check the redhead. She instructed him to remove his shirt so she could properly examine his 'broken' ribs. Which she had her doubts about because the redhead did not appear to be in the amount of pain a broken rib would cause. Nor was his breathing very short and shallow then again he was a trained exorcist and could deal with pain a lot better than others.

Lavi gasped as the Head Nurse poked and pushed on his chest making the pain intensify. Each poke had him breathless as the pain ripped through his chest. Pulling out a stethoscope she pressed it to his pale skin.

"Breathe as deeply as you can please."

The redhead hissed at the cold metal sucking in a sharp breath at the sting. It only took a few more moments for her to figure out how bad his injuries were.

"It's nothing to bad just a few bruised ribs, that's all...I do advise you to take it easy for a week. Do not over do it and refrain from any hea..."

"Lavi, there you are!"

The Head Nurse was interrupted by a short white haired boy with grey eyes and a scar. Frustrated she simply walked away figuring she had explained enough.

"Komui wants to see you in his office, said he had a mission for you."

The redhead wasn't in the mood to put on his guise, so all he did was look at Allen blankly before standing up. Pain exploded through out his body as he moved his bruised body, but it didn't hurt as much now. Lavi was getting used to the sharp explosions already and the painkillers that the Head Nurse had given him were starting to work in the marvelous way that drugs functioned. Yet that irritating mosquito sting blazing near his heart never left. Letting out a sigh he walked out of the infirmary vaguely listening to the Head Nurse yelling behind him.

It took about fifteen minutes for the hammer wielding exorcist to get from the infirmary to Komui's office. During those few minutes he did nothing, just simply existed as no thought pass through his mind. He refused to let thoughts be processed as they did nothing, but confuse him and right now Lavi did not want that. Luckily he didn't pass anyone on the way up and didn't have to put on an act.

Turning the knob he took a deep breath, that slightly hurt his ribs, and opened the door. A wide smile was plastered onto his lips as he waved to the people who chorused his name. Reever, Johnny, and Tup surrounded him instantly asking questions about what happened earlier.

"Aww you know Yuu-chan always in a grumpy mood. I just went to far today that's all." Lavi said as he rubbed the back of his head in a nervous fashion. Walking away he stepped into the area known as Komui's office. An emerald green eye widened slightly as it landed on a very familiar head of long black hair. The pain in his chest grew and hope that the long haired exorcist was just about to leave begin to fester. Taking cautious quiet steps he walked up to the couch in front of the Chief's desk. Sapphire eyes regarded him with a quick withering glance before looking away.

Komui stepped in front of them with a serious look on his face as he passed out the mission folders. Keeping his face masked in a lie Lavi smiled widely at the older man while inside he felt himself be dragged further under. Of all the exorcists here, at the one time he didn't want to be pair up with the moody samurai, why was he being teamed up with Kanda. Flipping open the folder he scanned the words absorbing the information they held. It was only quiet for a moment before Komui spoke.

"I'm sending you two on a mission to collect some innocence in Moscow, Russia."

I'm so sorry I haven't updated in awhile, but I just go so busy. I hope you enjoy this chapter despite its lateness and please review.

I'm sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes.

~XxSebastin'sXLittleXRobinxX