My poor beta, givemesomevamp, thinks I ended this a bit abruptly. It was only ever going to be a short story, so I apologize if you're annoyed.

Finally fucking in Forks

Paul and Edward

Our brave vampires skedaddled back from whence they came and promptly hid inside the new house Esme and Alice had so thoughtfully bought, furnished and provided for them all in the few hours between the unmentionable-throwing and the decision to leave Denali. What? Never underestimate what money can do – just look at . . . well, never mind, but we all know who I'm talking about. At least they hadn't supplied any minstrels.

Alice was bouncing around the living room like a toddler on crack, Carlisle and Edward were sitting morosely on the brand new sofa – one upset that he still hadn't found his appendage, the other because he had failed to score as fast as Emmett and Jasper had. Emmett was clutching his chest, looking pained that he had been ripped away from his dusky maiden, and Jasper wore his best constipated face while he pondered the absolute lack of bloodlust he had felt upon seeing his girl for the first time. He had certainly felt plenty of lust lust, and he knew she had felt the same. He was surprised they didn't all drown in the tidal wave of female goop that came rushing out of her when she looked him in the eye. Maybe, just maybe, he could get down and dirty with a human and not blow her head off this time. That would be amazing!

The sound of Edward whimpering once again snapped them all back to the present. Alice rubbed her temples in frustration that she could no longer "see", so with a quick, "Laters!" she vanished into the gloaming. Edward appeared to be in great pain, but in truth he was having a hard time wrapping his mind around the thoughts of the large wolf heading toward the house. All he could really understand was, "mine, need him, fuck his ass, mine, dick knows the way, MINE!" This was all quite disturbing for a sexually-repressed virgin, but at the same time, it was quite exciting to his remaining dangly bits. He gasped as he finally worked out that his missing unmentionable was firmly lodged halfway down a wolfy throat, and appeared to be enjoying the sensation very much.

Edward swooned.

You might think that this is an impossible thing for a vampire, but as we have seen, not all vampires are created equal.

Carlisle had no sooner dropped to his knees, hovering over Edward's prone form, when a large, slavering beast came crashing through the window and landed on top of them both. It snarled and swiped until Carlisle realized he should leave Edward alone: the beast was protecting him, not trying to attack. Unfortunately for all concerned, the action-packed entrance caused Paul to swallow the peen, leading to a very uncomfortable incident whereby Emmett and Jasper had to perform the Heimlich maneuver. Carlisle slapped young Eddie's face until he came around, and just in time to see his fully-erect personal item coughed-up with a fur ball of epic proportions. He fainted again.

Paul had had enough of this shit. He had spent the last few hours coming to terms with the fact he had imprinted on a male vampire and now he wanted to stake his claim. He phased back into his human form and bent over his unconscious mate. Resisting the urge to lick him from head to toe or piss all over him to mark his territory, Paul simply planted a wet one on Edward's pouty lips and waited for fate to take its course.

After watching Carlisle clean and reattach the disco stick to his beloved's manly part, Paul filled them in on shape-shifting, imprinting and life in Forks and La Push. Emmett now understood the pain in his chest as Leah's imprinting pull and ran to find her, leaving Jasper and Carlisle somewhat stuck. Jasper really, really needed to get his freak on with his lusty Isabella and Carlisle had no desire to see Paul attempt to mate with Edward, so with a few polite excuses and mutterings about grocery shopping and such, they exited stage left.

Edward opened his eyes the second they were gone and gazed lovingly into the face of his new master. He had heard everything Paul had said and had likewise decided that if this was fate, he should simply go with it. Later, when his ass was sore and he was clean out of spermal fluid, he thought, at least bestiality had never been explicitly condemned by his parents or the church when he was growing up.

Alice and . . .

One of the many things Alice was good at was lying. She knew exactly who they were in Forks to meet – she had known since each of their mates were born – but this was the time to arrive and claim them. She had even seen Jasper's little temper tantrum and the subsequent flight of the sparklepeen. The only thing she wasn't sure about was the reaction from her family when they worked out that she could in fact see around the wolves. Oh well, she would be many miles away before that little snippet came out.

She straightened her Chanel suit and her pillbox hat before putting on her white gloves and walking straight into the lions' den. As soon as she walked through the door every eye was upon her, every crotch was adjusted and every controller dropped. Alice danced over to her mate and sat in his lap, cooing softly into his ear, "Hello, my love. You have a choice to make right now. You come with me and live forever, or I leave and you never see me again." Of course, she knew what his answer would be, but it was still gratifying to have her mate grab her neck, kiss her senseless and stand up to leave.

He and Alice were holed up near Moose Butt before anyone even noticed that they were missing. And so it was that Eric Yorkie, the only wannabe-metrosexual in town, found his anime princess - and discovered that vampire venom does amazing things to cure problem complexions and greasy hair.

Emmett and Leah

There really isn't much to say about Emmett and Leah. After Em left the house, he chased her scent all over the Olympic Peninsula before catching her under a waterfall. She shredded his bondage pants and told him exactly what she expected from him - both now and in the future. He agreed, fucked her senseless and they fought like vamp and dog for the rest of their very, very long lives.

Carlisle meets his match

Carlisle caught the eye of a certain preacher's daughter his first day in town. Intrigued by her sweet nature and obvious intelligence, he courted her the old-fashioned way. There would be no nooky before the marriage bed - not with this girl. Oddly enough, he found that he fell genuinely in love with her. Her father was pleased that his only daughter was marrying young to the son of a fellow pastor, and conducted the ceremony himself, before waving the blushing bride off on her honeymoon with the handsome young doctor.

Carlisle had, of course, told his new wife what he was and what she would become. She took the news very well; she was a close friend of Isabella's and had already worked out that she and Eric were not quite the same as they used to be.

On his wedding night, Carlisle lay on the bed with a wistful smile on his face as he contemplated deflowering his sweet little virgin. Imagine, then, his surprise when Mrs. Angela Cullen emerged from the bathroom wearing black latex from neck to toe, an enormously wicked grin and holding a whip. Carlisle not only rose to the occasion but dominated it, setting the foundations for a very happy marriage.

Ahhhh, Jasper

And what of our hero and his girl? He found her sulking in her room, muttering about intergalactic space peens and bemoaning the fact that she would never be able to practice her porn-worthy blowjob skills on the mysterious stranger from the beach. Jasper was through her window with his pants around his knees before she had a chance to draw another breath. Her eyes lit up and she dropped to her knees before enthusiastically demonstrating exactly what she had learned.

Jasper was so excited by her performance he quite forgot to be careful, and that could have been the end of our story right there. Luckily, he remembered that he felt no real desire for her blood and that in order to restore her slightly crushed vertebrae he would have to pump in some venom rather than the glitter glue he had just deposited down her throat. This he did, very successfully.

The following year demonstrated to Jasper that you must always be very careful what you wish for. He had not believed it was possible to exhaust a vampire – or a vampire's most private sparkly bits – but his insatiable Isabella proved him wrong. He even resorted to getting stoned with the wolves and getting her drunk on occasion, just for a bit of down time. He wondered if all the friction would eventually wear his cock down to a nub, but luckily that never occurred.

Unlike the Denali girls, Isabella was a one-man woman. Although Jasper had already decided he might need to use Peter as a stand-in every once in a while when things got a bit too much for him. Isabella was open to the idea. "After all," she said, "He is practically family and eternity is a very long time."

And to think, all of this came about with one, small wish on a sparkling meteor.

Charlie

And what of the Chief? Well, after an unfortunate incident with a certain warlord, he awoke to his new life and promptly let Maria know exactly who was in charge and that it was either his way or the highway. So impressed was the wicked witch of the southwest by his big swinging dick and cast-iron balls, she agreed to do it his way, and so began their new life together.

A word of warning: if you ever find yourself in a small town in the south, and you happen to see him riding into town on his steel horse with his sultry senorita riding bitch, keep your head down and your teeth to yourself. That's Big Bad Charlie Swan, and he's the law 'round these here parts.

But that's a story for another time.

AN Yes I am aware I paid shameless homage to various other fics, movies and TV shows. "Spermal" belongs to mama4dukes, although I think her use of it is better than mine.