The Sparkling Meteor

Givemesomevamp, my lovely beta, thinks this should be read in a Pride and Prejudice tone of voice . . . JaspersIzzy and HammerHips pre-read, so blame them :-)

CH1

It was business as usual in the Cullen household. Carlisle was reading a medical journal detailing the startling revelation that leeches were the next big thing in wound care. Esme was floating around the living room dressed as Donna Reed and waving a feather duster at anything that could possibly collect dust. She wisely decided Edward's 'most private parts' were best left alone – who knew what had gathered down there… The children were up to their usual tricks. Or, in Tanya's case, turning them.

Emmett was busy skinning his latest conquest in order to make a rug for the fireplace in his and Rosalie's room. It was unfortunate that when he came upon the creature he genuinely believed it was a new species of bear. It was only after he drained it of its strangely fishy blood that Jasper bothered to tell him the bear was - in fact - an Inuit dressed in traditional garb. After a brief moment of regret that he had not - after all - discovered a new species, Emmett decided to go ahead with the rug. After all, it would be a shame to waste it.

Rosalie, blissfully unaware of her husband's idea of a love gift, was working on a new concept vehicle. Having become bored with regular cars and bikes, she did some research and decided to build a fully-functioning flying saucer. Mostly for shits and giggles, but also because she rather liked the idea of an enormous mirror she could check her reflection in while "working" on it. If it happened to be seen by some nosy humans, well, at least it would give the conspiracy theorists something to talk about and surely even the Volturi could see the benefit of that.

Jasper was bored. He hadn't been laid in nearly six days – anyone who tells you time is of no importance to a vampire is clearly still a virgin or asexual. He was contemplating running down to Texas and using his not inconsiderable powers of persuasion on Charlotte. Or Peter. Whoever happened to be around when he got there. His family all thought of him as being a stoic, miserable fucker who liked to stand in the corner and observe rather than get involved in family life. In reality, he was a riot when he let himself go and could party up with the best of them – and therein lay the problem. Alice, Rose and Esme were ladies of prohibition. They did not approve of drinking alcohol, doing drugs or sex before/after/within marriage unless it was for procreation. As this was clearly impossible for a vampire, their long-suffering husbands had to make do with their fists, each other or whichever Denali was available at the time.

When Jasper got to the point of contemplating the removal of his wife's limbs and tossing her onto a female-only bonfire, he usually gave in and headed off to the nearest town to get his freak on. It pissed him off no end that Emmett could drink like a fish and fuck a human without draining her dry when he never seemed to manage it. Every single time he went on a bender some poor girl died – sometimes because he just couldn't resist the bite, sometimes because he just couldn't resist an encouraging grasp of her head while she was blowing him. After her head caved in, of course, he'd drink from her. It would have been wasteful otherwise, but the huffing and puffing and disappointed looks from the family were a pain in the ass afterwards.

You may be wondering how Jasper, Emmett and Carlisle kept all this from the midget and the mind-reader? That was easy enough. Alice was deranged. She had been committed to a mental institution while a human, after all. As long as her every whim was pandered to, she simply didn't care what they were up to. She spent all day, every day plotting and scheming the best way to make the future the best possible place for her, and anything else was irrelevant. Edwards was easy to avoid. He was such a prude that he couldn't even say the word 'penis' let alone 'pussy', so whenever his father and brothers even began to hint at anything remotely sexual – ladies underthings, for example – he would withdraw from their minds and concentrate on Esme's Martha Stewart obsession for as long as it took.

While Jasper was bored and horny, Alice was her usual self. She was dancing around the house like a fairy on crack, all the while dropping in and out of visions and barking out orders no-one cared to listen to - except Edward, of course – if he hadn't been paying attention, the Cullen and Denali families would never have invested in Apple or IBM. For that matter, Carlisle would not have bought up all those steel mills and coal mines just before World War 2. Being rich was something they all took for granted. None of them ever stopped to consider where the money came from. They probably wouldn't have cared anyway. It's not like arms dealing could hurt a vampire, after all. Although there was that little scare with that suitcase bomb . . .

Edward was doing his usual thing, the thing he was best at, the thing that if Guinness had a category for it he would be the record holder for eternity – Edward was brooding. Edward liked to brood. It fulfilled his need for solitude and solidified his knowledge that he was a superior being. He was above not only humans, but his family as well. He had no desire to indulge in carnal thoughts let alone any kind of fornication and this was clearly proof of his superiority. For the undead life of him,, he could not understand sexual congress or the need of every other being on the planet to have it.

Of course, Edward was only seventeen when he died, and a product of a very strict upbringing. His mother had succumbed to his father's advances only once in their married life, and luckily for both of them Edward had been the end result. Edward Masen Sr. married because it was expected of him, and despite his total lack of interest in the opposite sex, he had managed to do his duty on the wedding night by thinking of his friend Reginald. His wife, Elizabeth, had done likewise. Reginald remained unaware of his contribution to Edward's existence, being perfectly happy living in Paris under the stage name La Americaine with his partner Berthe la Blancmange. He was so convincing as a woman that when Paris was liberated Black Jack Pershing enjoyed his favors for several days without once realizing he was a man.

Poor Edward grew up in an era of sexual repression unrivaled in history. If he had been born at any other time – with the exception of those equally repressed Puritans – he would have been fine. Self-love, man-love or woman-love - it was all his for the taking, but as it was, growing up with a closeted father and a mother driven insane with sexual need and an unhealthy obsession with a female impersonator, he was doomed from the start. His schooling was at home until he was thirteen; his tutor a man whose spine was so ramrod-straight he couldn't bend if he tried. The tutor, Cornelius M. Putter, had been dismissed from his previous position for lifting the piano skirt in order to move the instrument into a more advantageous position for reading music. This had a most deleterious effect on his personality and he was, from that moment on, the very model of late-Victorian propriety. Just what poor Edward did not need.

And so to the Denalis. Alaska was a wonderful hideaway for the Cullen family whenever they needed respite from the farcical "pretending to be human" game Carlisle had going on. They all knew it was only because he wanted to be able to stay in the same place for a few years so that he could tap every available nurse, doctor, PA, optometrist and so on that he could before they had to move. He also had a willing supply of young mothers who were so grateful he had saved their children from certain death (or the flu) that he had pussy on tap. This might have annoyed his "sons" if they hadn't benefitted as well. High school girls were easy, and the college girls even more so. The cost/benefit analysis worked well enough that Emmett and Jasper rarely complained. Edward, of course, was above it all and the girls simply didn't care.

The Denali girls were a different matter. Sasha was a concubine of Genghis Kahn and as she said, "Once you've gone world-dominator, you never go back!" She recruited several girls to serve in his harem but none of them lasted long. He was renowned for chopping off the heads of girls who didn't please him. One day she asked his shaman to bite her so that she could provide him with the harem he deserved and voila! Unfortunately, the shaman had been around so long he'd forgotten about the newborn year and the uncontrollable bloodlust. It wasn't the Chinese who defeated Genghis, it was his bedmate. Goes to show, even dictators aren't immune to vampires. Just ask Julius Caesar.

So Sasha found herself alone in the steppes and - let's be honest - a bit freaked out. She had managed to defeat the entire Mongol army all by herself before she came to her senses. Unfortunately for her, she brought with her her last human memories of sex and seduction, so she decided to create more of the sisterhood to make her feel less alone. Tanya, Katerina and Irina fit the bill perfectly. All three of them were clearly far too beautiful to be stuck married to the various big cheeses of their respective villages. Sasha took them one at a time and told them all about the wonders of sex before changing them into immortal beings. The effect: she made them perma-hookers. This was great news for all the nomads – who are, after all, mostly male - but gave their future surrogate parents, Eleazar and Carmen, the vampire equivalent of migraines.

Sasha went slightly mad after the Russian Revolution. She honestly believed that she could have saved Crown Prince Alexei if she had spent less time sexing Rasputin and more time listening to what his enemies had to say. She decided to re-create the Royal Family in a more . . . permanent . . . manner, by biting and changing the illegitimate son of the Czar, Vasilli – or William in English. Unfortunately for Sasha, the idea of the immortal child was anathema to the Volturi, and she, and the boy, were destroyed.

Of course her girls were devastated. They had to work out their grief on pretty much every member of the Volturi they could find, which is probably what saved them. Aro likes to say it was because they were innocent of all charges, but it is generally accepted that Tanya's oral skills swung it for the sisters. Tanya was currently servicing a hairy fisherman called Olaf who had miraculously survived a shipwreck nearby and couldn't quite believe his luck. He put the feeling of his cock being gradually frostbitten down to his time in the water and was happily sent on his way with promises to call next time he was in port. Kate and Irina were squabbling over a trip to Vegas. Kate insisted it was an easy way to make money, while Irina simply wanted to dispose of Paris Hilton for giving blondes a bad name.

This utterly normal evening was disrupted by a loud squeal followed by an agonizing shriek. Alice was having one of her visions and it appeared Edward was not happy with what she had seen.

"Alice! No! We will not be moving. I cannot condemn this poor, young innocent to a life like ours. I will not do it!"

Several pairs of ears perked up at this. What could Alice have seen to cause Edward such distress? the women wondered, while the menfolk perked up at the thought of fresh meat to play with. A family meeting was duly called and Alice began to explain what she had seen.

"I had a vision of us moving to a small town somewhere rainy. We will go to school, Carlisle will work at the hospital and Edward will meet his soul mate. It will be wonderful! I cannot see the name of the town, or the face of Edward's mate, but I know it will happen. We just have to work out how to get there! Ohh, it is so exciting! I can hardly wait! We will be best friends and go shopping together and everything!" she squealed.

Edward, on the other hand, was not as pleased. He was unhappy at the thought of a soul mate – that would undoubtedly mean he might have urges he was not comfortable about. Not to mention he would have to give up his brooding. It was unacceptable. He would not do it.

The argument raged on until poor Jasper had had enough. Without really thinking, without making a conscious decision for Alice to see, he leapt over the dining table and debagged his brother. A fraction of a second later, Edward's most private manstick was detached from his body and sent sailing out into the wide blue yonder with a speed and skill that almost put it into orbit. Strangely enough, said organ erected itself as soon as Jasper laid his hands on it, and stayed that way as it flew in a south-easterly direction.

"There!" he screamed, "Follow that cock and wherever it lands, we will make our home. Eddie will find his soul mate, and maybe I will get fucking laid!"

Meanwhile, in a small rainy town, Isabella Swan was looking out of her window and wishing for a man. She had been in Forks for a year now and was facing her eighteenth birthday still a virgin. It wasn't that she hadn't had offers - she had - but none of them were quite right. She was holding out for a hero – or at least someone who knew what he was doing and could teach her the best way to give a blow job without all that spit they used on those internet videos.

As she was pondering her total lack of a sex life, she happened to glance up and saw the most beautiful sparkling meteor she had ever seen. It glistened like diamonds as it sped toward earth, coming closer and closer until it flew right through her window and landed on her bed. Needless to say this gave her quite a shock, but once she had recovered she made her way to the bed and examined the meteor. It was about six inches in length, sparkly and cold, and looked remarkably like a cock. Isabella was not impressed. If the heavens had thought fit to send her a space dildo, they could have at least have made it a bit bigger. But then again, she thought, something this small might be the best way to start, to break her in as it were, so that when she came face-to-face with a real one she would be ready for it.

And so it began. . .