Disclaimer: I do not own Codename Kids Next Door.

"Look Uno, I'm trying to help you out here, but you're not really making that much sense."

"I know what I'm talking about. I placed the order three weeks ago, and I still haven't seen anything coming my way. I'm a patient guy, but this is just ridiculous!"

"Okay okay, no need to have an ulcer about it. Now you gave your name and address, right?"

"Nooo, I told them I was from the moon."

"That's a brilliant strategy Nigel. Just keep sassing the guy trying to help you out."

"Yes, I gave them my name and address. Happy now?"

"Not really. Gimme a second, your name should be on file here somewhere. Gah! Cheap dial-up connection!"

"Can you hurry this up? I don't have all...wait, I'm getting another call. Do you mind?"

"Oh no, go right on ahead. It's not like I'm on the clock or anything."

"Just hold while I switch over..."

CLICK!

"Hello?"

"Hey Nigel. It's Eva."

"Eva? Haven't heard from you in a while."

"Oh you know me. Digging around about the latest scandal, writing about how the economy's gone to hell every other week. Fun stuff, you should try it."

"I'll keep that in mind. Listen, is this important? I'm in the middle of something."

"Actually, I needed a teeny tiny little favor."

"Figures."

"Ignoring that. Anyway, it's been one of those dry spells and I hooked up with a guy who just can't seem to understand the term, 'one night stand'. I need to creep him out, and I was wondering if you'd pretend to be my 'cousin' again and help put on a show…"

"There are so many ways I can say no. I just can't decide."

"Oh come on! For old time's sake?"

"Eva, you do know I'm in a relationship, right?"

"Really now? If you could only see me clapping my hands in unbridled joy. But I'm sure she's a good sport."

"She's…really not."

"Puh-lease, Nigel. We women understand one another. What's the lucky gal's name? I might know her. Wait, what am I saying? I know everybody. Duh."

"Then I'm sure you must know Rachel McKenzie?"

"Holy shi– THE PSYCHO?"

"She is rather infamous."

"You know what? This guy's not so bad. Hell, I think he might be the one!"

"That's what I thought."

"Yeah? Well better to take chances with a stalker then some crazy bitch who'll stab you for forgetting her birthday!"

"Now that's just a nasty rumor!"

"Nigel, it's me you're talking to. I start rumors. Good luck with the world's deadliest catch, lover boy. If you ever want out, know that have dirt on everyone!"

"Uh huh. I'll keep that in mind…"

CLICK!

"I'm back."

"Aw, break time's over."

"Oh you're a riot. Have you made any progress?"

"Surprisingly yes. It says here your call was handled by Ralph Warner. That ring any bells?"

"Yeah, Ralph was the guy's name."

"Then that might explain some things."

"How would that…argh, wait. Another call."

"Do you even want your packages, Uno?"

"Lay off. People don't call me that often unless it's an emergency…"

CLICK!

"Hello?"

"Say hey! There's my favorite nephew!"

"…What in the world could you possibly want from me, Uncle Ben?"

"Can't a guy ring up his favorite nephew for a chat?"

"Why do you insist on badgering ME? Isn't there someone else you can call?"

"Not really. Since all you little tikes have grown up, I don't get that many visitors anymore…it gets lonely in this big ol' mansion. My own Delightful Not Children Anymore never even write. Everyone's forgotten about poor Uncle Ben…"

"…What do you want, uncle."

"I just wanted to talk."

"Talk then."

"Okay…so whatcha doing?"

"I was in the middle of a business call before you rang. You know, the important kind?"

"Oh, of course. Don't let me keep you…you'll call back won't you?"

"Sure whatever."

"Great! Talk to you later, champ!"

CLICK!

"Good lord..."

"Your ex?"

"My stalker. Now what were you saying about Ralph before?"

"Oh yeah. According to this you talked to Ralph on the Fourth. Turns out he was fired the same day, so the reason you probably haven't gotten your stuff yet is more then likely because the boss gave him the boot before he could fill out the forms."

"He was fired?"

"Arrested is more like it. Turns out he was using this job as a drug running front."

"That's…a shame."

"Damn right it is. Guy made killer brownies."

"So what now? Do I have to re-order my things or something?"

"Well I might be able to–"

"Hold on…who is it now?"

"People don't call you that often, huh?"

"Shut up!"

CLICK!

"What is it?"

"QUE PENDEJO!"

"W-What the hell–"

"SE LE IDIOTA LO SIENTO! TE JURO QUE LO HARÉ!"

"Who is this? Speak bloody english!"

"Oh you would LIKE that wouldn't you, you jackass! I don't care what language you speak in, you can't smooth talk your way out of this Arnaldo!"

"Listen lady! I'm not – wait…Lizzie?"

"YOU THINK YOU CAN –…hold on, who is this?"

"It's Nigel!"

"Nigel? What are you doing answering Arnaldo's phone? You his butler or something?"

"Arnaldo? Wait, you mean Ace? This isn't his phone, it's MINE! You got the wrong number!"

"Oh…Oh! Damn it, I'm sorry. Blind rage and speed dial don't make for a good couple."

"I don't think anyone deserves the former, Lizzie. Heh, especially from you."

"Typical of you, Nigel Uno! Hmmph, you men are all the same."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night."

"…Well?"

"Well, what?"

"Aren't you going to ask me why I'm so pissed at my boyfriend?"

"I'm rather busy at the moment."

"It's always business with you, isn't it?"

"Makes more time for pleasure later."

"Pfft. Where was that guy when we were dating? How's my favorite blonde serial killer by the way?"

"That was just a RUMOR!"

"Course it was. Look, you gotta finish your phone call, and I gotta get ready to preform a castration. So hurry up and insult me."

"E-Excuse me?"

"I need you to insult me! I need to be at 'maximum PO'ed' level for when I call Arnaldo, but this chit-chat with you has dimmed it to 'slightly peeved'. Insult me so I can make the fury bubble up!"

"There are 'levels'?"

"Great job of annoying, but not enough. Come on!"

"Um…you're fat?"

"YOU ASS! Thank yooou!"

CLICK!

"O…kay."

"Incoming in three…two…one."

"What are you…how did you know?"

"I'm awesome like that."

"Argh!"

CLICK!

"What?"

"I friend requested you on Facebook. Hey, do you have a Twitter?"

"Busy, Ben. BUSY!"

"Just wanted to let you know. TTFN!"

CLICK!

"I swear, if one more…Dammit!"

CLICK!

"This had better be good."

"Nigel, honey!"

"Rachel? What do you–"

"Now before you say anything, I just want you to know that it was all a HUGE misunderstanding!"

"…What did you do this time?"

"Nothing. I was a victim of circumstance, honestly! Those matches happened to be lit, and my gas tank accidentally split all around the area of the building. I find it very odd that I was right there during these strange phenomenons; even though I was in no way, shape or form, involved with any of it. I tried telling that to the fine gentlemen of the law but they just wouldn't–"

"You tried to burn down the chinese restaurant again, DIDN'T YOU?"

"Those bastards killed him Nigel! THEY KILLED HIM! They stole him from me, chopped him up into little bits and served him as sesame chicken for three fifty nine! The cheap monsters deserve to burn!"

"For the last time Rachel, they did not kill him!"

"Don't worry, there's no need to act Nigel. They don't have the phone lines bugged, I checked."

"What–"

"Look, we can discuss this later. I need you to come bail out."

"It's on my to do list, trust me."

"Y-You're coming, right? Nigel, I had to trudge through hell and back just to get this one phone call!"

"I'll see you when I get there, dear."

"Nigel Uno, I swear if your ass isn't down here in the next ten minutes I'm going to–"

CLICK!

"Oops. Must have ran out of minutes."

"What?"

"Nothing. Look, can we try and settle this business with my late packages?"

"I'm waiting for the paperwork to come back to me."

"Oh what luck, for it seems someone else feels the need to converse with me."

"Tell 'em I said hi."

CLICK!

"Is this the suicide hotline?"

"Yer gonna wish it was after I'm done with ya!"

"Goody goody, what seems to be the problem today, Wally?"

"I'll gouge yer eyes out with a pipin' hot skewer!"

"I'm assuming you believe I've slept with Kuki again, correct?"

"I HAVE PROOF THIS TIME!"

"Let's have it then."

"You think yer so cocky, eh? Heh heh, well not this time you snake bastard! I borrowed Kuki's phone!"

"And this involves me how, exactly?"

"You know what you two did. You know what she sent you! You know, and now I do too! I'm gonna kill you!"

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talkin' about the cruddy PCITURES!"

"Pictures? What pict-…o-oh my god, you don't mean the–"

"I KNEW IT!"

"Wally! I can explain that!"

"WHY THE HELL IS MA GIRLFRIEND SEXTING YOU?"

"I don't know! She probably got mixed up and sent them to the wrong number or something! I didn't do anything! Didn't reply or anything of the sort!"

"YA EXPECT ME TA BELIEVE THAT CROCK?"

"Come on Wally, how many times have YOU sent someone the wrong text by accident?"

"Well uh – T-This ain't got nuthin' ta do with me! This is about you two goin' behind ma back!"

"Nothing happened Wally! Kuki loves you, not me! It was just a mistake!"

"How can I trust ya?"

"I'll get rid of the pictures right now. How's that sound?"

"Well then I guess…wait, you STILL have them?"

"Uh…y-yeah. It appears I do."

"Why didn't ya delete those bluddy things!"

"Um, well...they were...I forgot about them?"

"…After I feed yer carcass to the dingoes, I'm gonna show yer cruddy girlfriend what ya been keepin' on yer phone! Then ya'll know what it's like!"

"NO! DON'T DO THAT!"

"And why shouldn't I? Fear her wrath?"

"NO! They'll give her ideas! And the last time she got ideas, she kept me locked in her room for so long that all I was able to...ah...give to her as a guy was a whistle!"

"…Yeeah. Ya see, I really didn't need ta know that…"

"No, you do! You need to know why would I never even think of fooling around with another woman!"

"Oh come on ya big baby. She can't be THAT bad."

"The first time we made love? She bit my neck and told me that I would love her forever."

"…No way, seriously?"

"Seriously. And she never really gave me an answer when I asked her what she meant by that...just something about my knowing if I ever tried to leave..."

"…Those are, uh…some interestin' bedtime stories, mate."

"That's nothing. Six months ago, she asked me to watch her apartment while she went home for the weekend. Before she took off, she left me with the distinct impression that if I tried to either leave the apartment while she was gone or peek inside her hope chest, the place would explode."

"Now that's a fiery sheila! Er, it was only an impression, right?"

"That's what I asked as she was stepping out the door. She turned around, kissed me, stroked my chin and told me it would be best not to dwell on such minutiae."

"…Well then…"

"The pictures are gone, by the way."

"Wha? Oh right. Um, well, make sure it doesn't happen again or I'll, uh, kill ya and…stuff."

"Wouldn't dream of it Wally."

"I don't think ya could if ya wanted to mate. See ya around…bit him in the neck? Geez."

CLICK!

"I need therapy."

"I know this guy who's got some good rates by the hour."

"Hold that thought…"

CLICK!

"Hey it's your uncle again. How come you haven't called me ba–"

CLICK!

"Are we almost done? I have more possible friends that could decide to drop a line, and my battery is just too stubborn to die."

"I think it's a keeper. It's rare you find a phone to match your personality, exactly."

"Why am I still talking to you?"

"Because you want your packages? What the hell did you order anyway, Uno?"

"Wouldn't you like to know. Hold."

CLICK!

"Yes?"

"If Hoagie calls you and wants a ride, don't you DARE go pick him up."

"And why would that be, Abby?"

"Because Abby said so."

CLICK!

"Anything interesting?"

"Not yet."

"'Yet'?"

"I'm actually expecting this next call...speak of the devil."

CLICK!

"What is it, Hoagie?"

"How did you…you know what, I don't care! You've gotta come get me!"

"Where are you?"

"At some gay bar!"

"Why?"

"Abby dropped me off here!"

"Refer to previous question."

"I don't know! I think she's mad because I made a crack about her gay aunt or something. Look, you have to pick me up! I am totally freaking out man!"

"Homophobe."

"Hey! I've got nothing against gay people…it's just the muscly tall ones who eye me like a piece of meat. And make lewd suggestions that make me feel highly uncomfortable…and try to get me to drink this weird fizzy drink and won't stop calling me 'white fudge'. Oh dear lord."

"Yeah…you have fun with that."

"No! PLEASE–"

CLICK!

"Now that the peanut gallery is taken care of, I want to know when my damn packages are going to arrive!"

"Geez, don't blow a gasket. I'm looking through the forms as you fume."

"Good! Because I am getting fed up with this…Bollocks!"

CLICK!

"WHAT?"

"Don't raise your voice like that at ME, Nigel! Where are you? You were supposed to be here by now!"

"Who is this and why did you have to call me at this EXACT moment?"

"You can't recognize my voice immediately? I'll make a note to fix that."

"Rachel?"

"Who else would be calling you on her cell phone?"

"…How did you smuggle a cell phone into prison?"

"Nigel, there are some questions you don't want the answer to. This is one of them."

"Whatever! Rachel listen, I promise to get there as soon as I can, but you brought this upon yourself!"

"I brought this upon myself? I'm not the one who made sesame chicken and spring rolls out of Mister Mistoffelees!"

"This agai - How the hell would they make spring rolls out of a cat!"

"Whose side are you on?"

"I'm not quite sure myself, dear, considering this is the fifth time this has happened! Why won't you just let it go!"

"Because he was my kitty! The best friend I ever had. You wouldn't understand, you never had a pet. I could tell all my secrets to Mister Mistoffelees. He was my fluffy confident, he always listened. He'd look at me when I told him my troubles and made them go away just by rubbing against my leg. If he hadn't taken such a liking to you, I don't know if we ever would've come so far. You should be grateful to him, you should be trying to avenge his murder!"

"That's the point Rachel! HE WASN'T MURDERED! HE WENT MISSING! Just because you found one single strand of cat hair in your food doesn't mean the goddamn restaurant snatched him off the streets and worked him into the Saturday night special! Besides, that hair was a silvery gray! Your cat had a dark ebony coat all over!"

"It could have just been a gray hair! Mister Mistoffelees was old! And even if it wasn't his, that doesn't mean that some other person didn't lose a beloved cat to those butchers! You don't understand, he never would have left me. I was always good to him, I always spoiled him! He wouldn't just run away! Someone took him...I know they did!"

"YOU HAVE GOT TO BE...you know what? Fine. They killed him. We'll go burn down the place and have victory sex on the ashes! Now let me finish what I'm TRYING to finish and I'll pick you up shortly!"

"Wait...did you just admit that they killed him? Oh, I love you! And we'll do much better than that! We're going to break in overnight and conceive a child in their kitchen! Then we'll burn the place down. And tomorrow, we'll go to the shelter and adopt any kittens in need of a home."

"Yeah. I'm SO looking forward to that...Uh, Rachel? Are you sure you should be talking so loud? You aren't even supposed to have a cell phone in there."

"Who's going to notice? It's just the local precinct! There's only, like, three cops here max to hold down the fort. I could save you the trouble and just bust out of here…ugh, but I promised you after last time I wouldn't 'resist arrest' or 'break out of prison' anymore. Although why you should care what the neighbors think is beyond me! It's none of their nosy business! The nerve of that Dina Fairchild, not inviting me to last month's block party. If she wants a bad influence on her children, I'll give her one..."

"SHE HAS A CELL PHONE!"

"You little SNITCH! I warned your ass not to–"

"Rachel? Rachel? Dammit."

CLICK!

"So what was that all about?"

"I don't know…but I think I might be getting laid tomorrow."

"Lucky bastard."

"The bigger and more beautiful the smile, the sharper the knife."

"If you're done handing out fortune cookie wisdom, then you'll be happy to know that your packages should arrive sometime within the next two business days."

"Thank you! So we're done?"

"Yeah, thankfully. Now it's time for me to say the thing I wanted to say the moment I figured out it was you on the line; goodbye, Uno."

"Same to you, Chad."

CLICK!

"Finally it's over...spoke too soon. Hello?"

"Nigel, it's Kuki and I'm SO sorry!"

"Ah. You've spoken to Wally then?"

"I just got my phone back, and he told me everything! I didn't mean to get you in so much trouble like that Nigel! It was an accident!"

"Don't worry about it Kuki, everything's taken care of."

"…Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'm off to bail my deranged girlfriend from prison, pray she's not a wanted fugitive by the time I get there, then go home and watch some TV. Did I mention I was turning this accursed cell phone off? Because I was totally going to do that."

"Okay then. I'm just glad everything is settled…I guess."

"Something wrong, Kuki?"

"Nooo! I'm just being silly, that's all. Heh heh…well…"

"What is it?"

"…You never did text me back–"

"GOODBYE Kuki!"

"What? They're just words and pictures, silly. It's not like we're actually cheating. That would only be if we actually did something. You didn't want to do something, did you?"

"I'm hanging up now!"

"What's wrong? Don't you think I'm cute? You're hurting my feelings!"

CLICK!

"I'm changing my number! Huh? Oh goddamn it! Let it go to voice mail! I'm done!"

"You have twenty-eight new messages."

"Message One: Hey! Ben again! I was wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime. Ya know, get some uncle/nephew one-on-one time?"

"Message Two: Me again. Just got off the phone with Monty, and he told me you spend a lot of your time with your girlfriend nowadays. You never told me you had a girlfriend, gotta keep ol' uncle in the loop buddy! Need any tips? I've been around the block a few times myself, now let me tell you."

"Message Three: You wouldn't believe who I ran into not too long ago! Lou! He used to be the…uh, well you might not remember him, but he was something of a 'plumber' back in the good old days. I tried talking to him but he has the nerve to say I creep him out. ME! Can you believe that?"

"Message Four: I got a hankering for some coffee and wondered if you wanted to tag along. If you're busy that's cool, but I just thought I would ask. Gets pretty boring up here…and lonely since no kids come around much anymore. My place used to be a 'hot spot' back in the day. Even you and your friends used to drop in from time to time. Lemme go find my scrapbook."

"Message Five: Guess who…"

Ever since reading Raider's Explanations, I've been inspried to do something all dialouge...and random.

Got other things to work on so until then,

Later.