Author's Note: Yes, it's been a while since I updated this one. FWIW, it's going to be a four act in the end… final length will depend on how many of the other songs will KiGo or RonBonMon-ify… but it was always going to be one of the shortest of the multi-chapter stories I've floated on FFN, so expect a fairly rapid conclusion given that it's now half thru. As always, if you don't know the songs, you can find them on the internet... or on your copy of the GLEE season one box set. ;) Legal disclaimers: Kim Possible, Ron Stoppable, Rufus, Shego, Monique, Bonnie Rockwaller, Mr. Barkin, Motor Ed, Dr. Drakken are the creations of Mark McCorkle and Bob Schooley, and those names are all trademarks of the Disney media organizations. Music is stol… a tribute to The Rocky Horror Picture Show, book and lyrics by Richard O'Brien. Certain other characters are the creations of JRR Tolkein. Use in use in this context is probably considered fair under parody law, but just in case: this work was not created for profit, no money changed hands etc. Also, this story takes place at a time at which all characters doing the naughty shown should be considered to be over the legal age of 18.

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The Kimberly Horror Picture Show

A new KiGo musical by SHADO Commander

ACT 2

############################

"Oh, don't try to lie with the Narrator around," Shego grinned. "I read your reaction before the beginning of the song."

"Fuck," Kim muttered under her breath.

"Oh I intend to," Shego slid close. "Multiple times."

Kim stared at the growing smirk on Shego's face as the Narrator's summation of Kim's innermost thoughts drew closer and closer to revealing… well, never mind what they might be revealing, the point was that the whole thing was insane! Okay, the truth was that there were things that she was barely ready to admit even to herself yet but… she was Kim Possible, damn it, and she didn't DO things like that! Not with anyone, let alone another woman, no matter how well built, shapely and attractive she might be and…

Augh! She had to stop thinking things like that! Especially when this… this… narrator person…. seemed determined to broadcast all of her most intimate and embarrassing innermost thoughts to the rest of the world? And how long until the insufferable man picked up on THAT thought too? From amid the chattering back and forth of her ego and superego, the bellowing roar of her unabashed and mostly naked id suddenly stood up, screaming at the top of it's lungs: STOP thinking and just ACT Possible!

Fortunately, if there was a single defining characteristic that had most helped Kim reach her current position in life, it was that she thought quickly and made decisions on the fly faster than anyone else she had ever met… and by virtue of that fact, she was still several thoughts ahead of the Narrator, who was apparently limited by how fast he could talk…. Otherwise he would have turned and run for the nearest hill.

Instead, just as the psychic bore was finishing up "…the only question left was whether she was going to enjoy it," Kim had taken the advice of her id and made an instant snap judgment… the "snap!" being the sound of what appeared to be a very old and valuable antique chair disintegrating over the top of the Narrator's concrete-like cranium.

"Oops," Kim blinked nervously as every eye in the room suddenly turned on her and the single remaining leg of the chair in her hand. "I was, um, looking to see if it was Victorian."

"It was actually Edwardian," The Narrator managed to groan even as his eyeballs rolled up inside his head like counters on a pinball machine and his flipper like eyebrows went up and rigid. There was an almost audible "Ching Ching Ching" as the loose marbles in his head rattled their way down into the 'no return' slot and then his entire huge massive body slowly fell to the floor like a business suit filled with loose Idaho potatoes.

And then every pair of hands in the room simultaneously came together as one and began to applaud.

#############1

"Well, THAT was fast," Shego thought to herself, realizing that her trademark smirk was in severe danger of being replaced by an actual smile. Not a lewd grin. Not a knowing leer. An actual sign of real pleasure and… dare she think it? Anticipation. Oh, yes… anticipation indeed, after all this time.

"About time!" RuffRatt echoed, exclaiming cheerily as he motioned for several of his Molerattians to drag the unconscious body off. "He invited himself a few weeks ago and nobody dared ask him to leave for fear of what he'd pick out of their head."

"Mmm, yesssss," Shego used a toss of her head to hide the brief moment it took to steer the expression she was aiming at this Kim person into something that might be better described as predatory than a simple smile. "Mind you, I was rather interested in what… or WHO might come out next, but it IS such a pleasure to meet someone who's fast with her mind AND her body."

"And WHAT a body," Mo-genta and BonneLabia cooed in unison as the matched set of sluts coiled their sinuous forms beside Kim, framing her glistening white form between them like a barely legal jewel daintly displayed between the lewdly splayed valves of a titanic clam made entirely of lace, leather and far too eagerly spread flesh. But as eager as that flesh was, the gloved arms and fishnet stocking clad legs wrapping softly around Kim's sinewy limbs stopped short of any contact that might be seen as an encroachment on a territory to which Shego had not yet laid a definite claim. Oh they longed for it, the beads of sweat forming on their brows and dripping down their legs were proof enough of that, but they dared not make a move before Shego made her own intentions known. Those were the rules. Those had always been the rules.

Except SOMEONE clearly didn't know the rules. For even as Shego was contemplating the pearl sitting in the giant bondage oyster before her, contemplating whether to play walrus or carpenter, the strange and vexing creature that had wandered in from the storm attempted to take control of the situation again!

############1

"Um, look," Kim interrupted, twisting free of the other girls, and feeling more than a little exposed in her plain but practical undergarments. Which was a bit odd, actually, considering that her usual swimsuit actually covered less and revealed more, but she'd never had anyone look at her the way Shego was looking at her while wearing her swimsuit. With the thrice over Kim was getting right now, a boy scout pup tent probably wouldn't offer enough coverage to be comfortable. Even if it was still full of boy scouts. "We really just stopped by to see if we could use the phone."

"So sorry, phone out of order," Shego ogled languidly, her eyes slowly rolling up along every sculpted curve of the redhead's athletic build. "For some reason that always happens every time things start to get a little wet in our service area."

Kim gulped.

"But…" And now the green woman's eyes were smoldering as she walked towards the three girl sandwich, her hungry gaze devouring the heroine's glimmering, moisture drenched form.

"I couldn't possibly let you two go back out into such a beastly night and we were JUST about to set down for dinner. Why don't you two join us and if the rain hasn't cleared up…" Those amazing emerald eyes batted thoughtfully, "I'm sure we can find a bed for you to spend the night in."

"Er…" Kim returned brilliantly, increasingly torn between a growing interest in what was REALLY going on in this place, a fear of learning what was going on with herself, and a worry that she might not be able to handle what she might uncover in either case.

"We wouldn't want to be an… imposition," She squeaked.

"Oh, trust me," Shego's voice fluttered. "There's no position too 'im' for mois, Miss… Possible, was it…?"

For some reason that set all the Molerattians tittering and Kim felt her blush rising for the dozenth time so far that night. She hated it when people tittered at her name… the high pitched giggling was bad enough, but the simultaneous rubbing of all their nipples was worse, and to top it off, she was quite certain that she heard BonneLabia whisper "I'll bet she is, too," to a snickering Mo-genta.

"That's right, Kim Possible," Ron corrected, then promptly made things worse. "She can do anything."

'Well that's one solution to the engagement problem,' Kim fumed as there was another round of giggles. 'You can't be engaged to someone who's buried in the unmarked grave you put them in.'

"Hmmm. We'll have to see about that," Shego smirked, pretending to ignore her ladies in baiting. "But I should warn you, Pumpkin… I can't resist a challenge. Now, if you'll follow me…"

"It's not the challenge she can't resist," BonneLabia whispered slyly to Mo-Genta, as Shego motioned for everyone to follow her to the dining room.

"Yep, it's those wiry little RCHs," Mo-Genta licked her lips snidely. "I guess that means we're stuck with the blonde."

"Sad," BonBon sighed. "I've seen better ears on a corn stalk. Probably smarter too."

"I seem to remember someone having quite a bit of fun with an ear of corn," Mo-Genta insinuated lewdly. "When was that? Oh yes, last night…"

"Remember not to eat the corn," Kim noted as she watched the various Molerattians start filing after their Mistress and found herself following as well. Well, why not? She was intrigued AND hungry… for food, of course… it was still raining miserably outside, and maybe someone here might actually know something about the missing scientist. As long as she was stuck here, she should do something about getting to the bottom of the mystery of his disappearance. Right?

"Right,"The little voice in her head responded. Never mind that this was the same voice that had told her to cut her brothers hair with her Grandmother's pinking shears when she was four. Or that the scientist might not be the mystery she actually wanted to get to the bottom of.

However, while Kim's suddenly overactive id was quite willing to play along for just a little longer, her so-called partner seemed less inclined to do so… and Ron Stoppable turning down a free meal was an event that came about as often as 'Free Samples Night" at Fort Knox.

"Hey, Kim?" He began whinily.

"Yes, Ron?" She groaned, knowing what was coming. It was time for his regular mission chicken-out.

"I think I should mention..." Ron began, "I've got this bad apprehension,
That there might some ill intention, among the wackos at this weird convention, and sometimes a pound of cure, is worth less than an ounce of prevention…"

"So…" Kim grumped. "You're saying?

(To the tune of DAMN IT, JANET)

RON
I think that it's time that we moved on…

KIM
No Ron.

RON
This place creeps me out, so let's go on …

KIM
No Ron.

RON
That green chick's got a real weird glow on…

KIM
I know Ron…

RON
I've got one thing to say, and that's,
Hang on, come on, let's run away!

(beat)

RON
I know it's a point that you're sore on

KIM
No Ron…

RON
But there aren't any guards from the back door on

KIM
No Ron!

RON
I just think we should know the score on…

KIM
NO RON!

RON
Kim, it's been a long day, can't we,
Run on, get gone, flee right away!

(beat)

RON
I know that usually I'm just a sidekick,
But this is something that I know…
This whole sitch is looking truly wrong sick!
Oh K-I-M-Space-P, I want to go!

KIM
It's too late now it's sink or swim,

RON
But Kim…

KIM
So I'm jumping in without prelim,

RON
But Kim…

KIM
To learn the secret of this kibbutzim

RON
But Kim…

KIM
I've one thing to say and that's
no Ron, no, I won't flee with you...

RON
But Kim…

KIM
No! No Ron!

RON
It's grim!

KIM
Oh come on!

RON
K.P.!

KIM & RON
I/You have my/your priorities, which means

KIM
Although I may go off on a limb,

RON
But Kim!

KIM
And abandon you when it suits my whim,

RON
But Kim!

KIM
In the end, it'll still be us against them,

RON
But Kim!

KIM
I've one thing to say and that's
(making Puppy dog pout)
Please Ron, please Ron, say you'll stay...

RON
Oh plegm! No Kim!

KIM (turning Puppy dog pout up to 11)
Oh Ron… Come on!

RON
Going dim, brain stem…
Augh!
Fine, You WIN!

"Okay, so that's settled then," Kim forced a smile onto her face, not letting him see how close she'd been to simply abandoning him and disappearing into the dining room after the long departed others. "Come along Ronald."

"Hey, wait…" Ron stammered, having expected another verse of the song to get a few conditions of his own tossed into the argument. Wasn't this above and beyond the call of duty, even for a sidekick? Hey wait! Wasn't he her fiancé too? At the very least, didn't that make it worth like, a boobie touch or maybe even a…?

It was a moot point, as he was now alone in the room.

"Aw… darn!" Ron sighed and followed Kim to his probable doom.

####################

The dining room was in the same eclectic taste as all the rest of the mansion. Signs and toys from various eras were mounted on the wall, the floor was covered with a cheap red indoor/outdoor carpet and, in addition to a large single table set up for ten, there were a half dozen smaller tables, all made of the same strange wood encased in heavy plastic. The entering group was greeted as they entered by a tall female molerat wearing some kind of green vest covered with buttons. Most of them, Kim noted, were advertisements for various products, but some were odd slogans like "Drawn by Silver" and "Repent, lest ye go to Season 4."

"Welcome to TGI RuffRat's," The moleratette smiled as perkily as someone with buck teeth half the size of their head could. "Tables for how many?"

"All of them," Shego waved vaguely, "But everyone except those at the main table can only order off the children's menu."

"Yes ma'am," The moleratette winced. The child's menu consisted entirely of cold oatmeal they bought used from Wilford Brimley… no one knew exactly what he had used it for prior to selling it, and no one was going to ask.

Needless to say, there was a rush for the main table… one that was successfully foiled by RuffRat, who produced a set of printed placecards and flung them with ninja-like accuracy at anyone to whom Shego gave the 'thumbs down." As the cards were apparently razor-edged, it took only a few flesh wounds before the majority of the Molerattians ended up porridge-bound, while the central table was occupied by himself, Shego, Kim, Ron, BonneLabia, Mo-Genta, two very nervous looking Molerattians wearing red shirts embroidered with skulls and the word "Security," and Gimli the Dwarf, who had wandered over from a LOTR fanfic when he heard there was a free meal being offered.

"I'll order for everyone," Shego ordered the moleratette as she was about to begin passing out menus. "I think I'll treat everyone to a Number 69 tonight."

BonneLabia and Mo-Genta 'oooed' appreciatively at that, while RuffRat merely looked skyward. Kim blushed at the crudeness of the joke… if it WAS a joke… while Ron completely missed it, as usual.

"Very well Ma'am," the Moleratette nodded, disappearing through a door labeled with a bronze plaque that read "Hell's Kitchen."

"So what's a 69?" Ron asked RuffRat as the Moleratette took drink orders.

"Nothing from Bueno Nacho," RuffRat replied, crying a bitter tear.

"Aw…" Ron whined. "That sucks."

"But it does involve tacos," Mo-Genta slid in carefully, sidling up to the sidekick stealthily.

"Multiple varieties," BonneLabia agreed, running one finger along Ron's shoulders.

"Oh. That's okay. I guess," Ron allowed, wondering what was going on. Girls? Paying attention to HIM?

"Trust me, you'll love these," BonneLabia tempted. "And there are other places to eat, you know…"

"Have you tried the Y?" Mo-Genta teased.

"So, have you been living here long?" Kim queried, trying desperately to install some kind of rationality to this situation… the concept of two girls actually putting the moves on Ron being enough to completely rattle her faith in reality. "I'm asking since we were actually in the area looking for someone named Doctor Drakken and…"

"DOCTOR DRAKKEN?" The assembled Molerattians, BonneLabia, Mo-Genta and RuffRatt all exclaimed simultaneously in alternately shocked, terrified and aghast tones.

"Uh… yeah…" Kim's voice trailed off, seeing every eye in the room bulged the size of pie-pans and staring at her… all except for four. Ron's and Shego's.

Shego merely shrugged her shoulders. "Never heard of him."

"Oh yes." "Me too." "Neither have I!" "Oh, DRAKKEN, I thought you said Krakken!" came the immediate jumble of words as everyone was suddenly in a complete case of denial.

For some reason, though, Kim wasn't buying it. Maybe it was just a gut feeling. Maybe it was the crossed fingers Shego had made while saying it. Or maybe it was the fact that she'd just noticed that the napkin under her glass read "Doctor Drakken's Plastic Surgery, Spa and Daycare.

"And the plot sickens," Kim thought to herself. "But what's really twisted is that I'm not going to call her on it because…"

Because of her dreams. Because of how SHE looked. Of how SHE smelled…

"Oh hell…" Shego thought as she saw Kim's eyes dwelling on the napkin on the table and going glassy. 'This girl is way too sharp and observant.' But, however small, Shego's cover story still left herself a tiny fraction of plausible deniability, and since she'd already set a course, all she could do was try to bull her way through… which was going to be quite a challenge as she usually preferred to play the girly side of the equation… Still…

"So where's that first course?" the green woman yelled loudly, hoping to distract the distracting redhead from the distraction on the table. "Where's my fruit cup?"

"Fruit cups, coming in!" the moleratette yelled back as three busboys entered and began distributing plates, each of which held two peeled honeydew melon halves, laid out side by side, with each green peak topped by a single bing cherries.

"Excellent!" Shego sighed, making happy sounds as she tossed her both of her smaller fruit up in the air, skillfully catching them in her mouth, then spit both the pits and the stems… now tied in bows… back onto her plate.

"I love popping cherries," she smoldered at Kim, who was still looking at the twin green melons on her plate dubiously and had missed the entire performance, damnit!

"Second course!" Shego yelled. "Chop chop!"

"Better eat quick, Princess," She added quickly, nudging the firebrand next to her in the ribs. "If you don't try them, they're just going to have to go back to where they came from."

"Sorry," the young heroine looked back at her oddly. "But there are some things I'm having a little trouble… swallowing right now."

Kim didn't even notice the worried look on Shego's face. She was too busy looking at the cherries atop her dish and wondering whether she should be worried that her first though on seeing the dish have been whether they'd be red like this, or green. Was anyone at this table NOT talking about something that had something to do with sex?

"I don't mind the yaoi crap with elves, " Gimli was saying, "But have you ever tried to pork an orc? Might as well stick the old warhammer in a lathe, if you know what I mean."

So, the answer would be 'No,' Kim thought miserably, watching as her fruit cup was taken away and the second course placed in front of her.

Raw oysters? Kim blinked, trying to remember if this month had an R in it.

"What's the matter Princess," Shego smirked as Kim stared as the fleshy, wrinkly things on her plate. "Don't like putting your lips on things that are a little slimy?

For emphasis, Shego opened her mouth and poured one oyster from its shell, letting it slide down the length of her astonishingly long, pink tongue… which only brought Kim back to her earlier thoughts… if her tongue is pink then…

Across the table, the third course had arrived, but Ron was getting increasingly frustrated. Every time a plate of corn on the cob was passed towards him, it was empty by the time it passed BonneLabia… and yet there was a disturbing lack of either fresh ears or cobs on the table.

"What's going on?" Ron whined, "How come I'm not getting any?"

"That haircut?" RuffRat postulated. "Your ears? Your winning personality?"

"Oh, you'll be getting some soon enough," Mo-Genta grinned, watching BonneLabia as the girls arms began making curcular motions beneath the table. "And I think someone else I know is going to get an ear-full later."

"Someone else you know is getting an ear-full now," BonneLabia groaned, sliding further back in her seat and drooling onto Ron's shoulder.

"I'll pass," Kim waved the whole glistening cob away as it was offered to her.

"You don't want yours?" Ron asked hopefully.

"Uh, no…" Kim wavered on the edge of confiding her suspicions as to where said corn had been, then realized that there was no subtle way to do it and, knowing Ron, he probably wouldn't care. "Help yourself."

"Aren't you going to eat anything, Princess?" Shego asked with concern. The redhead's failure to follow the standard rules of the game had left her completely unable to figure out what to do next. Flabbergasted or offended she knew how to deal with… Kim only looked more and more…

Well, Shego DIDN'T know what she looked like. She'd never seen a look quite like it. And it was kindling something equally strange inside Shego… something so alien to her being that it had taken her until this moment to finally realize what it was.

Concern for another person.

"Are you… okay, Pumpkin?"

Kim let out a long sigh. "Does everything with you have to be about innuendo?"

"Of course not," Shego retorted automatically. "I'm just as interested about what goes in your endo, Princess."

Shego wanted to hit her own self in the face as soon as she heard the glib comment leave her lips. The brief opening that she'd sensed… had seen in Kim's eyes… died a horrible death as Kim simply looked away.

"Nevermind," Kim muttered. "You probably wouldn't have understood anyway."

"NOOOOO!" The voice in the back of Shego's head screamed. She felt as though she had just been violently kicked in the stomach and into an electrical tower.

"Fuck," she growled under her breath. How could this be happening to her? She was the one who in charge, who was always in control. How dare this fucking redhead come in here and turn everything upside down and inside out?

"Look, you," Shego snarled at Kim…

And then something completely unexpected happened as a man stepped into the room from the kitchen and said something that would change the course of the evening irrevocably.

It was the Narrator, looking battered and confused and wearing only a tiny red codpiece as he staggered into the room and delivered the following line:

"And then something completely unexpected happened as a man stepped into the room from the kitchen and said something that would change the course of the evening irrevocably."

Having completed his role in the scene, the Narrator fell over flat on his face, blissfully unconscious, just as ANOTHER man entered the room through the same entrance. This one was tall and obscenely broad across the shoulder, and he sported a ridiculously huge blonde mullet that looked like his head was being dry-humped by a gold lhasa apso.

"Yo!" He glared around indignantly. "Like, how come no one told me it was chow time? Seriously!"

"No one told you because you weren't invited, Eddie," BonneLabia snapped back, still pumping frantically under the table.

"Yeah," Mo-Genta added, "You are like so yesterdays business, seriously!"

"Perhaps it would be wise if you left now," RuffRatt added.

All during this exchange, Kim had been keeping one eye on Shego, who might as well have frozen into a statue upon the second man's entrance.

"Hey! Who is he?" Ron asked out of the blue, thereby fulfilling the plot exposition duties he was required to fulfill as part of his sidekick's position.

"Motor Eddie," RuffRat informed them softly. "He and the mistress were… very briefly… an item."

"VERY briefly," Shego broke her freeze to clarify. "One date, during which he got my name wrong four times and talked non-stop about that piece of crap he calls a car."

Eddie's expression was one of disbelief. "Ouch! Don't diss the car, babe! I was the hottest thing ever in high school! Seriously!"

"He's forty three," Shego informed no one in particular. "And hasn't been laid since he was eighteen."

"Yeah, well," Eddie frowned. "That's cause something's wrong with girls now. Winning formulas don't go out of favor like that."

TO THE TUNE OF "WHATEVER HAPPENED TO SATURDAY NIGHT?"

Motor Eddie

What ever happened to when cars were cool?
It all went wrong when I checked out of school…
So why'm I operating my own tool?
They used to be… chick magnets supreme…

I used to cruise around in a cherry hot rod
In that car I fucked the whole cheerleading squad
We'd go to Boston for seafood and then we'd get scrod.
Those leather seats fit the whole volleyball team….

Still got my mullet, and air guitar, why won't you girls get in my car?
I just don't get it, I was a star, someone must have fucked with my car!
Still got my mullet, and air guitar, why won't the girls get in my car?
There's no way it's me, so there you are! Something must be wrong with my car!

The girls'd be screaming when my foot hit the floor
That accelerator'd turn any virgin into a whore
They always got in the front but they'd come out the back door
That sweet motor motion moved em, it made 'em cream…

Pop your shades on, pull your mullet back, `
Don't got no CD but I got the eight track.
Turn on some Pressley for an aphrodisiac
I had it so good, oh, when did it lose steam?

Still got my mullet, and air guitar, why won't you girls get in my car?
I just don't get it, I was a star, someone must have fucked with my car!
Still got my mullet, and air guitar, why won't the girls get in my car?
There's no way it's me, so there you are:
Something must be wrong with my car!

"Something's not wrong with your car, Eddie!" Shego exploded. "It's wrong with you!"

"Chill! What's you ish, dish?" Eddie yawned. "Are you on the rag again?"

"Aaaaaaugh!" Shego screamed, leaping forward so fast that Kim barely had time to register that the green blur that grabbed Eddie around the neck in a hammerlock WAS Shego before she was hauling him into the kitchen.

"Whoa! Not the hair!" Eddie's voice screamed, a horrible sound like shredded aluminum pie pans being dragged across a baritone pitched blackboard, as what appeared to be the entire cooking staff took refuge out in the dining area. This was followed by what sounded like a pig squealing, the sound pots crashing, and, finally, a series of huge, horrific impact sounds that were interspaced with brief comments from Shego.

(THWOMP!)

"DON'T!"

(THOOMP!)

"YOU"

(FOOOOOMP!)

"EVER"

(THAWAMPF!)

"MENTION!

(BA-ROMP!)

"MY"

(THUD!)

"SEXUAL ORGANS!"

(KER-PAMPHF!)

"AGAIN!"

And then everything was quiet… well, except for the sounds BonneLabia was STILL making under her breath… the girl REALLY liked her corn.

Finally, Shego reentered the dining room wearing a new addition to her outfit… a long, fur boa made of a suspiciously familiar blond material.

"Dinner may be slightly delayed," She smiled, motioning for the cooks to get back to work pronto. "As for Eddie, he won't be rejoining us. I believe he'll be otherwise engaged."

"Engaged?" Ron perked up. "Oh yeah! By the way, did I mention that Kim and I just got engaged?"

Even BonneLabia stopped making noise in the stunned silence that followed. The one thing that WAS heard was the slap as Kim face-palmed herself.

She should have known. If there had been one way to make the dinner even more of a disaster, Ron was going to find it. Apparently there had been, he did, and now it was.

This was so the fucking drama.

TO BE CONTINUED