A/N: Title comes from the song "Goodnight, Travel Well" by the Killers. General story idea is vaguely inspired by the show Coupling, of all things.
The Stars Can Wait For Your Sign
All things considered, Kurt is not expecting to be awoken in the middle of the night by the loud ringing of his phone.
"What on..." he asks no-one in particular, and takes a brief second to thank fate he was one of the few lucky enough not to be saddled with a roommate, because he really does not need to be even more disliked in this school.
He checks caller ID. Finn. He answers, fully intent on giving his beloved brother a piece of his mind. "What the everloving hell are doing you calling me at–" he briefly checks the clock, "–three-fifty-two AM?"
He waits expectantly for an answer, but frowns as he starts to pay more attention. Finn's breath sounds haggard; either like he's been running a marathon or crying his eyes out. The latter would not be good (honestly, given Finn's body image issues the former probably wouldn't be either).
"Kurt," he chokes out, and oh jesus, that is not the voice of a happy man, "help."
Kurt throws his covers off and sits up. "Finn, what is it? What happened?"
He hears Finn sob. "I did something really stupid, Kurt," he confesses. "And I'm sorry – I'm so sorry – I'm scared and I don't know what to do, but I need someone to do–"
"Finn. Calm down," Kurt says, trying very hard to follow that advice himself, because if Finn sounds that broken and terrified in only leaves him with a million horrible ideas of what could be happening on the other end of the line. "Start from the beginning and tell me what's happening, and I'll help, I promise."
There's a pause. "You know those pills Mom has for her migraines; like, the really strong painkillers?"
The blind panic starts to transform into a more solid dread. "Yes. What of them?"
"I – I kind of overdosed."
The blind panic is back again.
"Oh my god, Finn!" he shrieks.
"I know, I know, I'm so sorry, but I changed my mind; I don't want to die anymore, but I'm scared and – I, I think if I'm going to go to the hospital I'll have to wake Mom and Burt up, because it's not in walking distance and if I try to drive there myself I'll probably pass out at the wheel and kill someone else, but I don't want them to know and freak out about it, so I don't know what to do, and I'm sorry for dumping all this on you but you always know what to do so–"
"Call an ambulance, Finn," Kurt says – there are many things wrong with everything Finn just said, but the advice is probably what will keep him alive. "How many pills did you take?"
Finn sniffles.
"Two."
Kurt blinks.
"Um... isn't that the recommended dosage for those pills anyway?"
"I – I don't know; that was, um, the max amount the bottle said I could take, so..."
Ah.
Kurt sighs. "Finn... you are familiar with what an overdose is, right?" He receives nothing but confused silence. "The whole point is, well, you take more pills than the bottle says you can. That's how it kills you. If you didn't do that... you didn't OD, Finn."
There's a pause. "Oh," Finn says. "Well, uh, sorry about waking you up. Bye dude."
It sounds like Finn's about to hang up, so Kurt gasps into the phone. "Where the hell do you think you're going?"
"Look, dude, I'm not going to go try again," Finn says. "I changed my mind, remember? I just want to go sleep."
"Yeah, no," says Kurt. "Finn... don't you get it? You just tried to kill yourself. We should – we need to talk about this."
There's another awkward pause. "Come on, man," Finn mumbles. "It was a dumb moment. I changed my mind. Can we just... not?"
"No," Kurt insists. "God, Finn... why would you do this?" Finn doesn't answer. "Is it Rachel?"
"No!" Finn yells. "Well. Uh. Kinda. It's not all about her but it didn't really help." He pauses. "Oh god, please don't tell her Kurt; I know you two are friends and I'm cool with that but she'd freak and feel guilty and I don't want to make this–"
"I won't tell her," Kurt says. "I just... really, really need an explanation, Finn."
"...I don't even know where to start," says Finn. "I just – I felt like shit and I wanted to stop feeling like shit, you know?"
Kurt sighs. "That can't be it, Finn."
"I can't tell you everything. I don't get everything."
"Try."
"I – I just don't know."
Kurt purses his lips. "Start with Rachel."
"Huh?"
"I know it's not all her, but – say what is. Say something, Finn, please. Before one of us dies."
Finn gives a dry chuckle. It's not really funny, but what other response is there?
"I miss her."
"Both unsurprising and understandable," Kurt says. "Finn, I know how much you felt for her; how much what happened hurt."
"Do you think I was too hard on her?" Finn asks. "I mean, yeah, she cheated, but... I don't know, she was hurting. I screwed up with Santana and I... but it was just, like, I couldn't believe she would do that to me? She was meant to be my iguana or whatever. I thought, once we were together and I'd finally gotten my head out of my ass, things'd be... good. Happily ever after."
Kurt decides not to ask about the iguana thing. "It's a nice image, I know, Finn, but it's fairly naive. And really... I can't say whether you were too hard on her or not. That's not really my call to make. But, if you don't want to be with her because of this... that's okay. No-one will judge you."
Finn sighs. "It's not that I don't want to be with her; I just..."
"You can't deal with being with her, after what happened?"
"Yeah," says Finn. "I just... wish I hadn't been so stupid, and this whole thing hadn't happened."
"It's not all up to you and you alone, you know," Kurt says.
"Yeah, but – I started it."
"Didn't Santana proposition you?"
"Not the point, dude."
Kurt sighs. "Sorry." He pauses. "So, do you think you were wrong to break up with her?"
"No," says Finn. "I mean, she cheated. With Puck. 'Course I'd break up with her. I just feel real guilty about it anyway. Fuck, that's crazy, isn't it?"
"Mildly, but I wouldn't worry about it," Kurt teases, and Finn laughs. That is a good sign. Laughter is a sign of happiness, and a sign of not taking what Kurt says the wrong way and believing it a cue to go off himself. Oh god, how did they get into this situation? "Everyone's mind makes no sense sometimes, Finn."
"Yeah," Finn says. "You know, I should probably hate Puck by now."
Kurt shrugs. Even though Finn can't see that over the phone, but he doesn't have another response because really, why doesn't Finn hate Puck by now? His best friend sleeps with his girlfriend, gets her pregnant, lies about it for months (okay, that was Quinn's idea but Puck could have spoken up at anytime) and just when their friendship is getting back to normal, Puck does it again! The word 'what?' springs to mind. However, somehow he doubts telling Finn his feelings towards any one person in particular are 'wrong' will be helpful.
Finn doesn't seem to mind his lack of an answer. "I'm not all that sure why I don't, really."
"Well, I wouldn't know," Kurt says. "Then again, I am sort of hesitant to give the benefit of the doubt to him."
"I guess none of it's really his fault," Finn says, and Kurt raises an eyebrow (though Finn can't see it, obviously). "Puck is sort of a douchebag, but I think a lot of the time he's just kind of there."
"I do not understand this is the slightest."
"Well, with both Quinn and Rachel – it wasn't like things were perfect before he went all 'mwahaha' on us. Quinn was pissed at me for joining Glee – I think she felt like she was losing me? Which, y'know, when I think about it, she kind of was. And with Rach... well, it was all about the Santana thing. She wanted to get back at me. So..."
Kurt sighs. "To me, it seems like you're taking responsibility for things that aren't really your fault."
"Maybe," Finn says. "But really, none of it would have been a problem if I wasn't there."
Kurt winces. He knows what that means – they'd all be better of if I were dead. Given their current situation, it really shouldn't surprise him.
"Well, yes, because they wouldn't have been wronging anyone if you weren't there. But you were there, and your trust, friendship, love, et cetera is worthy of as much respect as anyone else's. You weren't the bad guy here."
"Well, I don't think I was the good guy either," Finn says.
"So what?"
"I don't know!" There's a pause. "It just seems... important."
"I don't see why," Kurt says.
"You're not me, dude."
Kurt sighs. "Alright then. I'm not you. But, as you are you, could you try to explain it?"
"...I guess... People ask me to be a leader. And I go with it, because hey, someone's gotta do it and I'm not really much good anywhere else. Seriously, I'm kinda useless–"
"Finn–"
"Let me finish, dude. Anyway, I, y'know, try and stuff, but... it never seems to work out. And eventually, everyone realizes how useless I am and, well, shit goes weird. And I'm left feeling just, well, kinda miserable."
Kurt feels like he might cry. "You are not useless, Finn Hudson," he says. "I, personally, feel you are one of the best people in my life."
"Why?" Finn asks. "I mean, it seems like all I ever do is hurt you."
"...Look, I won't say that's never happened," Kurt says hesitantly. "But the thing is... You always seem to give a damn when you hurt me. You make it up. I'm not sure anyone's tried harder to publicly reassure me they care. And on my worse days, that can be very, very important. Even before we really talked, you at least made some kind of effort. And even if it was a token effort, like protecting my clothes for me... well, it just seemed to show that what I wanted mattered. And when the entire world was telling me in didn't, that meant a lot. I did spend almost two years in love with you for a reason."
Wow. He's never really gone into that much detail on his affections. There's an awkward pause. "No offense, but that actually seems more like you having issues because no-one was ever nice to you than anything to do with me."
Kurt gives an exasperated sigh and is about to start fighting this accusation (even if deep down, he thinks it may be true), when something seems to click for Finn and he starts ranting again. "Oh shit. Oh shit. This was... This was horrible, wasn't it?"
"...Huh?"
"This. Doing this. You know, with you being... You go through so much, dude. I've put you through half of it. And then, I act like I'm the one who has some kind of right to go all weepy and emo about it; try and kill myself?" Finn says. "I mean, you had to leave everything behind for fear of your life and... here I am, whining on the phone about stupid teenage shit that may or may not all be my own fault anyway. Seriously, what is wrong with me?"
"Finn." God, he really is going to cry any minute soon. "You don't have to be okay because you think people have it worse. And no, your motives are not just 'stupid teenage shit'. It they hurt you, they matter, that simple."
"Why do I let them hurt me?" Finn asks.
"Because you're human? If my significant others kept cheating and my childhood best friend kept betraying me, I'd be a mess, I promise. Anyone would."
"Yeah, but you'd deal. I know you. You're strong, dude," Finn says. "I mean, if you weren't, there's no way you'd be able to deal with me, right?"
"You're not some kind of monster I have to hide from, Finn."
"Your dad thinks I am."
Kurt practically hears the record scratch. "Excuse me, what?"
"He doesn't trust me. Not around you. I know that; I mean, it's not like he doesn't have his reasons."
"What, the basement thing? You think he's still holding a grudge?"
"He doesn't want me hurting you. That's meant to be bad? You're are only, y'know, the most important thing in the world to him. I'm too stupid to kill myself right, but I know that. You'd have to be blind to miss it."
"Finn–"
"What?" He sounds genuinely curious.
Kurt inhales deeply to keep himself under control. "You're not stupid."
"I kind of am," Finn says. "I'm pretty sure I wound up saying x equaled rain once in Math. It never used to bother me so much, but..."
Oh fuck. Turns out, that 'cheating off a girl who things the square root of four is rainbows' stupidity is less charming when the boy is taking it as reason to hate himself. "And I keep forgetting that cubes have six sides instead of four. I repeat: so what?"
"...Seriously? You just have to count them, dude."
"They're squares but three-dimensional; they should have four sides," Kurt snaps. "And you're changing the subject."
"Sorry."
Kurt sighs. He's not even sure the subject changing is a bad thing, but... "You don't have to consider everything a judgment on your person, you know. You can live with having certain quirks. Idiosyncrasies. God forbid, even flaws."
"When people get hurt?" Finn asks.
"Okay, if you're going to apply the death penalty for hurting anyone at all, you're going to exterminate the human race pretty fast, Finn."
"That's not what I meant," Finn snaps. "I just... I know everyone has stuff wrong with them. That's sort of just people. But half the time... I don't think I'm anything but."
"I'd say you're wrong about that."
"Thanks dude, but that's not much to convince me."
"Well, name one. One thing that's so awful about you."
"I'm dumb, I'm weak-willed, I'm kind of a coward, I'm obsessed with my reputation, I'm kind of ugly, I'm not very good at staying faithful to my girlfriends, I've got this weird streak of subconscious homophobia that keeps showing up, I'm self-pitying, I destroy way too many chairs, and I think I'm kind of a slut too."
Kurt blinks. Shit. "Okay, you cannot possibly expect me to refute every one of those accusations. I can't even remember them all."
Finn laughs.
"I'm sort of wondering where the slut one comes from, though."
"I lost my virginity to a chick I barely even like. I cheated on Quinn once – I mean, not more than kissing, but still. I tried to date two girls at the same time. If a girl tried this sort of stuff, people would call her a slut, right?"
"Yes, but those people would be misogynistic assholes," Kurt points out.
"I still don't know what that word means."
Kurt sighs. "Look, cheating was wrong. So was dumping Rachel for no real reason. But apart from that, you didn't do anything wrong. You don't have to be ashamed of being a teenager and desiring sex – it's actually fairly normal."
"It wasn't like what happened with Santana was that awesome," Finn says. "I kind of felt like shit after."
"You weren't ready and you made a mistake."
"Still, you admitted it – I fucked up with the other two, right?"
Kurt bites his lip. What is he meant to say about that? "More mistakes."
"How many can I make before that stops being an excuse, huh?" Finn asks.
Kurt doesn't have an answer for that.
"...I'm not really a good person." Finn gives a brief, humorless laugh, like it's an in-joke Kurt just doesn't get. "People keep telling me I am. You keep telling I am. I just don't see how."
"I – I–" For god's sakes, Hummel, say something. "Finn, you're my brother. You mean everything to me. Don't do this to yourself, please."
"I'm sorry."
Kurt shakes his head. "I don't need you to apologize, Finn. I just need to know... why? I've heard all this self-loathing... bullshit, actually, but why would you just...?"
"Why not?" Finn says. "Seriously. I guess, just for a second, I broke through all the kind of instinctive 'don't die!' stuff and realized – well, I didn't really have any reason to stick around. And then I panicked and changed my mind, so I called you."
"Don't you dare, Finn," Kurt chokes out. "I have no idea what to do about this hatred you seem to have for yourself. I'm absolutely lost. But just so you know: no-one agrees with you. No-one wants you to go, Finn. And if you just... die... because of what you think over what all of us do, I'm sorry, but that would just be selfish. And I know you don't want to think you're that too."
That's either going to save Finn or kill him. There's a pause.
"I miss you, dude."
Okay, now Kurt's crying. Heaving, body-wracking weeping. "I miss you too," he sobs.
"I'm so sorry."
"Don't."
"I should hang up."
"Please don't–"
"Even when I'm crazy and suicidal, I need to sleep," Finn points out.
Kurt inhales desperately, trying to get himself back under control. "Just... please don't try again."
"I won't," Finn says. "Man, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called."
"If you hadn't called, you might be dead."
"I kind of failed overdosing, remember?"
"You didn't know that."
"Whatever," says Finn. "I just... love you, little bro."
"I'm two months older than you," Kurt points out. "Love you too."
Finn hangs up. Kurt sniffles, puts his phone back on the bedside table, and tries to get back to sleep.
He does not succeed. He tosses and turns, and stares at his phone gleaming snidely at him. He's just gone to sleep, he reminds himself. He's just gone to sleep.
"Kurt?"
Kurt opens a bleary eyelid. "Blaine?" he asks.
Said boy nods. "It's like, noon. You're hardly one to sleep in; I was worried. Didn't hear you singing power ballads at the top of your lungs in the shower."
A sudden stab of remembrance, dread and fear shoots through Kurt. Finn.
He doesn't say anything, just grabs for his phone and starts hammering a desperate message. R u ok.
He's so terrified he forgets his utter loathing for textspeak.
"Kurt, what's wrong?" Blaine asks.
Kurt stares up at him. "I have to leave," he announces, throwing off his bedcovers. "Oh god, I – I have to go; I have to be home; I can't just leave him–"
"Kurt!" Blaine grabs him by the shoulders, obviously trying to keep him from panicking. Good luck with that wrong. "What's wrong? Is it Karofsky? Is it your dad?" he asks. "Let me help."
"My stepbrother tried to kill himself last night," Kurt blurts out.
Blaine looks adequately shocked.
Kurt swallows hard and starts to explain. "He... He tried to overdose on Carole's painkillers. Fortunately, he rather failed the most fundamental part of taking an overdose – that is, you take more than the safe dose. He was never in any physical danger, but..."
Blaine raises an eyebrow at him. "Seriously?"
Kurt sighs. "I love Finn, but brains are not exactly his strong point."
Blaine nods. "So, you just sent that message to..."
"Make sure he's okay," Kurt says. The more he thinks about it, it becomes slightly illogical. People take a while to reply to texts anyway – calling would be better for his nerves. Finn's hardly ever awake by now on a weekend anyway. "He changed his mind and called me because he had no idea what to do; he didn't want to have to tell our parents. He woke me up at three AM, and I spent a long talking to him, trying to figure out why he would do such a thing. Combine that with the utter panic... bad sleeping, ergo, why you had to awaken me."
Blaine nods. "That makes sense."
Kurt sighs. "I have to go home."
Blaine frowns. "For good?"
Kurt bites his lip. He doesn't want to leave Dalton; for all it's loneliness and regimes, he knows he is safe here. He doesn't want to go back to McKinley; Karofsky and his ways. He can't stay at Dalton and go home every night to make sure Finn stays away from the medicine cabinet. So altogether...
"He can't be alone," Kurt tells Blaine.
Blaine is, still, nodding. "Okay," he says. "Go home. Temporarily. Make sure he's okay; talk to your parents about it. He'll probably hate you for awhile, but there's no way you can do this on your own. Don't leave altogether. Barring any selfish motives I may or may not have for you staying here, you transferred here for your safety, Kurt; that doesn't stop being a priority because his becomes one too."
Damn Blaine and his making sense. Kurt sighs and is about to concede, when a beep from his phone interrupts.
Finn's texted him back.
Dude u txtspkd. Wut? Im fine.
It's the worst kind of happy Kurt's ever felt.
Blaine can clearly see the relief all over him, because he reaches forward and pulls Kurt into his arms. "Come here."
Kurt winds up with his head pressed against Blaine's chest, despite him being taller, because he's still sort of lying on the bed and Blaine is kneeling. "I'm so scared," he admits.
"It'll be okay," Blaine reassures him. "It'll be okay. He'll be okay."
"I'm so, so scared." Kurt repeats.