The Retail Chronicles

An unrelated series of events based on events that happened to the author because her parents made her get a job at the various retail locations.

By, moldycookies
(and partially Paisley May)

Good time Twenty-nine: Texting Wars

"If I catch you with your phone, I will put you on cart duty."

You know what sucks? Work does. It sucks so hard and fast that you don't even get to enjoy it.

Ha. I just made a sex joke. In my mind. With no one to share it with. Woe is me. And my life. Seriously. This job should not even be considered as a job; it should be considered as a torture method for the cruelest criminals in the world. Forget death or life in prison – let's make Fidel Castro work at Wal-mart! The exclamation point is totally necessary; it comes with the store and the oversized, black t-shirt we are all required to wear. Did I mention that it has a giant exclamation point on the back? Oh yes. I do call in sick all the time.

I'm like 'I'm sorry, but I can't come into work today. I mean, I woke up and my shirt had a question mark on it. I think it's a sign. You should pay me more and maybe it'll go away.' Of course, I'm kidding. Our shirts don't have giant exclamation points on the back; then we'd be too cool. And then I might accidently have my attention diverted due to the awesomeness of the shirt. And this is the part where I get fired. As much as I would love to be freed from this hell-on-earth-cheap-soccer-moms-call-a-haven, I can't because then I'd lose the love of my life.

No. It's not a boy. Stupid.

It's my sweet, sweet (and purple) laptop. She's beautiful. Yes, she's a she because she's purple. I didn't want it to be a boy because then he'd be gay, not that I don't love gay people (I mean, Sai is my BFF and he's super gay, like flame on! Times ten – gay) but I didn't want to think of a gay name for him. Like Charlie or Fabio or Freddie. Okay, fine, I just really wanted a girl, okay? And new laptop. So I can put all my crap on there.

Important crap. Scholarly crap. Historical –

BEEP!

Oh! I got a text message. Wait, why isn't this thing on vibrate? Stupid phone. I told you to vibrate, not beep! It's from Ino. Ugh. To read or not to read, that is the question. Hm. If I read it I'll be free from my momentary boredom until my manager comes around and sees me texting (and then it's bye-bye job and hello free time! And my computer. Sigh), but if I don't read it, I'll still have this job, be free from Ino for a few hours and still have a laptop. And boy, do I love that laptop.

Her name is Rachelle.

It's okay. I know you're jellin' like a fellin' on a… melon. Oh yeah, I rhymed. Thrice. I'm freaking Dr. Seuss, bitches. Although, I don't think Dr. Seuss ever used 'bitches' as a derivative for anything, especially as his nonexistent peeps. Sure, he was popular to kids, but I don't think he was that awesome to the ladies. I mean, what was his pick up line? 'Hey, I wrote the stories that you're gonna read to your children'? Yeah, no. Not gonna work.

Back to my original problem. Answer Ino, or completely ignore her like I always do? Decisions, decisions.

But how do I choose? Hm… I'll just ignore her.

"… and then we'll be together, forever-" Crap, crap, crap. It's probably Ino calling telling to do goodness knows what. I'll just put that shit on vibrate and ignore her.

BEEP!

DAMNIT, I TOLD YOU TO VIBRATE, PHONE, NOT – oh, wait, that was my pager.

I surreptitiously pulled out my walkie-talkie – as if someone was actually watching me, please – and snapped at whoever decided to interrupt my day-dreaming. "What?"

"Sakura-san…" a very familiar voice drawls. "Answer your phone, please."

"'Tachi-chan!" I coo, relishing in the fact that my manager just choked on air due to my lack of respect for authority. "And of course I will answer my phone!" I yell obnoxiously loud so my supervisor could hear me. You know how people are CEOs of big-ass companies? Well, Itachi-san is the person who gave them enough money to start it in the first place, and he just stops by every once in a while to check things out (especially me, I hope, not really – okay, I desperately hope) and see how I'm doing, and occasionally steals my manager's pager. Why, you may ask? Simple, I grew up with Sasuke; Sasuke is his brother, thus making me a part of his posse or something. I don't know; all I know is that I get all the privileges of having an older brother I don't really need, without the wealth and all the missed opportunities to find the love of my life.

I mean, just because I happen to spend a large portion of my time with Sasuke doesn't mean that I want Itachi to adopt me and drive away all prospective suitors! Yeah, that's right. I said suitors. Bite me. Anyways, Itachi-san always drove away my dates because they (and these are his words, not mine… ass) 'are not worthy to associate with the Uchiha name.'

And at this point, I'm like WHAT THE EFF, 'TACHI, I AM NOT AN UCHIHA. I'm two parts woe and one part utterly overjoyed by the cuteness of it all. I mean, I'm woeful because he sees me as family and not as girlfriend material and this is why I despair. Another part woe because, um, HELLO, I just lost a date. And a free meal! But the tiny part of me that is overjoyed by the cuteness of it all thinks that he did it because he's jealous or something, which I know he's not because Uchihas do not get jealous, but he's really just looking out for me.

Eh, whatevs. Now I have to call him. Hey, at least I'm not bored anymore.

Trust me, he is. There is no in between for Uchihas. They're blunt and slightly rude. They even have their own dialect composed of grunts and sighs. It is so annoying, too, because Sasuke always grunts the same thing and then expects me to completely understand him. I think that all the Uchihas are like that beside Mikoto-san, Itachi-kun and Shisui.

Out of the three, Mikoto talks the most.

Shisui the second. (I despair immensely)

Itachi the least (once again, I despair, although not as intensely).

Eff my life. Okay, I despaired, I'm done angsting now. Wait, wasn't Itachi talking or something? Crap, it was probably important, too. What if he asked me out on a date and I was too busy thinking about crap and he takes my silence as rejection and I end up cold and alone and bitter and –

"Sakura-san, I have been calling your name at least ten times, can you please verify that you are still breathing-"

"Wa-wait! No! I mean – uh – I'm breathing and alive. Sorry, 'Tachi-chan, I got… distracted."

BEEP! OH MY GOSH, INO, I AM GOING TO KILL HER! KILL HER!

There was silence on the other end for a few moments, and I can only assume that his face is portraying a pained look. "By what, exactly?"

Crap. Now what? "Um…" I trail off, not knowing what to say. Think, man, think! "…a fly…?" I manage to squeak out before the speech of 'how-his-duty-is-to-protect-my-virtue' comes.

BEEP! Oh my gosh, Ino, stop texting me! And I thought I put you on vibrate, phone! Wait, do phones beep at you when you're talking to someone and you get a text message at the same time? Nah, that'd be too hi-tech for me.

"Did you slip, Sakura-san? I heard something." See, this is another thing I hate about Uchihas. They don't think or assume. They know. Everything. Like if you were planning to overthrow the leaders of the world, they would probably know and will start planning your death if they don't like you.

"N-no! Are you in a tunnel or something, your voice sounds weird-"

"Sakura-san." Itachi states. From right behind me.

I literally jump, like, four feet into the air and almost die of a heart attack at the same time. Seriously, that man will one day be the death of me. "Itachi-chan!" I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. "You really shouldn't do that!"

His face remained passive and unapologetic despite the fact that I almost died. Stupid, stoic bastard. "You would have noticed me approaching, had you not been so distracted." He defends in that accusing tone that only I can tell is accusing because I've been around him my whole life. A few things come with knowing Itachi. One of them includes the fact that he is super smart, knows all and is never wrong. Another thing is the knowledge that he is freakishly attractive and there is nothing you can do about it.

Not that I would want to because who wants to make someone unattractive?

Like orgasm-on-the-spot attractive. Okay, maybe not that attractive, but girls have been known to throw their panties at him with just one glance in their direction. Really. It's ridiculous. Can't they see that he was clearly not interested?

"Psh. No." I deny lamely. "I would not have."

He smirks at me. I think I just came. "You would have."

So it was going to be like this, eh? I raise a challenging eyebrow at him just to tease him. "Would not."

His smirk widens. Damnit, I think that woman who has been stalking him ever since he came over here just came, twice. "Would have."

"Would not."

"Would have."

While I was busy trying to not let him know how frustrated I was, he remained impassive and even had an amused glint in his eye. Stupid, smug bastard, he actually thought that he was going to win. Well, he has another thing coming to him because I was going to win! Me! Sakura Haruno! "Would not!" I shout, grasping the attention of my manager. Ohmygosh, why did I just do that? I am such an idiot. Ugh. Now he's going to come over here and tell me stuff I already know about being polite and blah, blah, blah.

"Sakura!" he yells, absolutely horrified that I was yelling at a very powerful benefactor. "Can you come here for a moment?"

I inwardly groaned and trudged away from the cash register and toward my fuming manager, but not before sending Itachi a baleful look and an adorable pout (or, at least I hope it was adorable). "Yes?" I sigh, already knowing what was coming.

"You have a complete lack of-"

"Excuse me." Itachi interrupts rudely, but of course my manager wouldn't say anything about it due to a serious (and most likely terminal) case of brown-nosing. "Pardon me for interrupting, but I believe that Sakura-san was just proving a point, to which she had proven gracefully."

My manager then had a face in between completely mortified and utterly confused. I would say that he was utterly morti-fused. My word. Shut up. I am a freaking genius. "Yes," I agreed, resisting the urge to shoot my manager a smug look. "I did prove it tastefully."

"I believe I said gracefully." He corrects.

"And I believe I said tastefully."

"That is irrelevant because I said gracefully-"

"And I said shut up."

"You did not."

"Just shut up." I squeak out pathetically.

He smirks at me. Damn, I think I just came again. "You-"

I fake a laugh before hissing out a quick "shut up" before turning around and smiling back at my manager. As soon as he was gone, I turned around to smack Itachi on the arm. He shot me a reproachful look, but I wasn't having any of it. It was totally his fault that my manager almost yelled at me, and he would have if Itachi hadn't stepped in. Oh. Maybe he'll forget about that.

He seems to remember this fact. "Sakura," he began in that stupid brotherly tone, "Apologize."

"You are so-"

BEEP!

OHMIGOSH, INO, WHAT – WHAT DO YOU NEED? Oh, wait, maybe I should text that to her –

To:Ino-bitch

(1:28 PM) - OHMIGOSH, INO, WHAT – WHAT IS SO IMPORTANT THAT YOU HAVE TO INTERRUPT MY CONVERSATION?

Wait, maybe I should have checked my messages before I sent that to Ino. Crap, now she's gonna wanna know who and how and why and blah, blah, blah, bitch STAY OUT OF MY LIFE! I'm just kidding; I love Ino and her nosiness. Really, I don't know what I would do without her gossiping tendencies. Seriously, I might go insane if I don't know what Neji has been up to.

My life would be as boring as hell.

4 new text messages!

Ugh. Ino, why are you so persistent?

From: Ino-bitch

(1:13) - Youve been at work for like 5 mins and i already lost my keysss! helpme! D:

From: Ino-bitch

(1:16) - oh wait i found them nvr mind

From: Ino-bitch

(1:18) - WHERE ARE MAI STILETTOS BITCHHH? I KNOW U STOLE THM!

From: Ino-bitch

(1:25) - lol jk, i found them. heart u :)

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

OHMYGOD, WHY DID I TELL HER THAT I WAS TALKING TO SOMEONE? Now, she's going to annoy the crap out of me until I tell her who it is. Crap, crap, crap - wait, wasn't I talking to someone –

"'Tachi?" I began anxiously. "Sorry, you know how Ino is."

He winced visibly before putting on the mask of nothingness that he wore so well. Huh, normally he would be ignoring me. I guess he isn't mad at me for texting Ino. "No, I do not, but from what I hear, I suppose she is a little overbearing." I snort into my hand and receive an annoyed look. "Something amusing to you, Haruno-san?"

Uh-oh, last name basis. He is mad at me. Great.

BEEP! DAMNIT, PHONE, JUST GO ON VIBRATE ALREADY!

Itachi looks at me expectantly. I smile sweetly. "Are you mad at me?" I pout.

The Uchiha then adopts a pensive look before completely dropping it and smirking at me. Again. Ugh. Seriously, women are going to drop dead if he keeps doing that. "Quite," he answers simply, "but you may have a chance to redeem yourself."

Translation: he forgives me! Yay! Already knowing what he meant (I mean, come on, I've known him for forever), I grin up at him cheekily. "Meaning that you forgive me, meaning that you care about me, meaning that I win, indirectly."

"Win, what, Sakura-san?"

And without missing a beat, I answer. "Your pride, Itachi-san!"

He was not amused. He rose a pretty little brow (everything about him is attractive; girlish or boyish, either way, it's attractive to someone) at me in question. "Really?"

"Yes – oh-no. No, no. I have to text Ino right now!"

Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod – he's flirting with me! Must text Ino until I figure out a proper response to this.

From: Ino-bitch

(1:29) – wtf is w/ ur grammar? is this school? AND WHO THE EFF IS MORE IMPORTANT THN MEEEEEEEEEE?

To: Ino-bitch

(1:31) – shut up, my grammar in txt msgs r important 2 me

From: Ino-bitch

(1:33) – scuse me, i asked whooooo this convo is w/ is it a BOY? IS HE HOT!

To: Ino-bitch

(1:37) – INO! STOP TXTING ME!

From: Ino-bitch

(1:38) – TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME

To: Ino-bitch

(1:40) – TACHI, HAPPY?

At this point, I'm in between plotting Ino's imminent murder (maybe if I tell them that it was in the heat of the moment, they'll give me less time) and Itachi's timely kidnapping, which will happen immediately after Ino's death. I have decided to mourn over her death shortly.

"Sorry about that..." I trail off, wary of his calculating glare. Suddenly, the hemline of my shirt is apparently way more interesting than the intense wave of disapproval radiating from Itachi and the equally demeaning look that he is giving me.

"You do know that it is ignoramus of you to-"

BEEP!

I smile nervously and fidget under his agitated stare. "Sorry, again, I know it's rude. So why are you here?"

BEEP! DAMNIT, INO, STOP TEXTING ME.

From: Ino-bitch

(1:47) – OMG DONT HOG MY SEXYASS MANCANDY U SHAMELESS HOEEEE. I'M COMING OVR THERE NAO!

From: Ino-bitch

(1:47) – where r my keys again?

To: Ino-bitch

(1:49) – in the goddamn keybowl maybe? AND DON'T YOU DARE BARGE IN HERE!

From: Ino-bitch

(1:51) – oh yeahhh. and if u dnt wnt me there whyd u help me find my key? use ur forehead to ponder tht thought til i get there

To: Ino-bitch

(1:51) – OMG, NO, DNT COME! PIG, U BETTER NOT COME. :(

From: Ino-bitch

(1:52) – wut up w/ the smily? && 2 late! :DDD

To: Ino-bitch

(1:54) – BC TACHI IS MAD ME 4 TXTING U.

And this is why I have dubbed Ino as Ino-bitch. Because she is a man-candy-stealing bitch! As soon as I was finished with Ino – BEEP! – never mind… I turned around and smiled nervously at Itachi. I winced at the glare he was sending my way. Great, now he was really mad at me. Well, it couldn't possibly get much worse.

From: Moron 1

(1:56) – Yoooo! Sakura-chan! :D

Ohmigosh. As if my day couldn't get any worse. Naruto just texted me. Naruto. I spared Itachi a glance; he did not look pleased. To describe this look further, I would say that if that look could kill everyone would be dead, turned into zombies, killed again by Itachi's awesomeness and brought back to life to clean up the mess before he killed them again.

Yeah. His look is that epic.

Like, super epic.

Like really super epic – okay, so I'm stalling because I'm slightly afraid of what Itachi will do if I even try to look at him again. Suddenly, as I'm viciously texting Ino and Naruto back at the same time (like, legit, the text message goes like this: 'DUDE, STFU, I'M BUSY'); Itachi rips the phone out of my hand and examines the almost finished text to Naruto and Ino.

It's not my fault that they happened to both be blondes.

"Hn." He suddenly grunts before smirking down at me. I swear, my co-worker just flailed and fainted at her register. He moved my phone to the side, pointed to the volume options and pressed the down button until it was silent. "Get back to work."

I opened my mouth to retort, but all the words stopped in my throat when he slid my phone into my pocket. My back pocket. I felt myself blush at our proximity (but on the inside, I was dying); I mean, his face was at least six inches away from mine.

"Uh…" Ugh. I am such a dork. "Right…"

And then, before I could jump him, he brushes his hand against my rear and squeezes. I squeak indignantly before allowing my mouth to pop open in shock, and probably yell at him for sexually harassing me. But he's already walking away, and I know this is me being obsessive, but I swear he's walking different. Like the cat that caught the canary.

Dude, bitch took my keys!

As soon as he's gone, Ino bursts through the door. "Oi! Forehead! Where's hot sexy man candy?"

"He just left after sexually harassing me."

"LUCKY!"

A/N: I hope you enjoyed it! :D More to come. And be sure to check out Paisley May!