Disclaimer: Nope, I don't own them!

A/N: Not a New Year's story…but rated for the alcohol use.

Of Booze and Sammiches

"Dude, if you won't slow down, can we at least discuss the badness of this plan?"

"No."

"Feel like washing away your troubles with a Purple Dragon Bashin'? It's Saturday night, I'm sure we can fish Hun outta somewhere if we try!"

"No."

There was a loud crash behind him. "Look at that, I've fallen down! Help me, Raph!"

The red banded turtle continued on and smirked when he heard slapping feet behind him. "Raph, wait up!"

"Mikey, I've had it, okay? I'm always the one who has to walk away while he sits up on his high horse, shaking his head, all disappointed. Well, he's getting knocked off that damn horse once and for -"

Raphael pulled up short and Michelangelo bounced off his shell. Shaking his head, the younger of the pair stood on his toes to peek over the other's shoulder. All thoughts of Raph's re-assault on Leo vanished.

The front door to the lair was propped open, allowing soft, yellow light to spill across the tunnel floor. Just as it had been when Mikey had chased after his brother five hours ago. Both ninjas dropped low, their hands flying to their weapons as well trained ears strained to catch anything unnatural. They crept towards their home on silent toes and started when a sudden burst of laughter came from within.

Raph and Mike exchanged raised brows. Splinter was gone for the week, attending some celebration in the Battle Nexus. So the only ones home were Donnie and Leo. Actually, the laugh kind of sounded like Leo, but wrong somehow. Too high and fast for their level headed brother.

The largest turtle jammed his sais back into place and kicked the door aside, instantly back to his own plans. Mikey followed, all but dancing on his brother's heels so he could make a quick intercession when the dam burst. But the moment they entered the living room, they stopped again, this time with their jaws falling.

A tall half-empty bottle sat proud on the coffee table, surrounded by half a dozen shorter and brown containers. The rest of the twelve pack was scattered around the entertainment center.

Donatello was spread over the couch, his head lolling over the armrest, and he held a shot glass to his eye. "I'm gonna get inta appraisal, Leo. It's easy." Then he flinched and dropped the glass to slap both hands over his face. "Gaaah! My eye! It stings!"

"Heh-heh-heh-heh," Leo's slightly demented laugh whistled past the bottle top clamped between his teeth.

He had taken over Splinter's La-Z-Boy and had the footrest straight out and the back pressed almost horizontal. Horror filled the brothers at such desecration. They had rescued the chair, which had already been broken, one Father's Day, and Donatello had strictly forbidden it to be used in such a way. Once the footrest was out, it was all but impossible to fit back into place. Splinter had assured his son that he had no reclining intentions and had cherished his gift for many years. Michelangelo wasn't even allowed in its vicinity.

Leo's weight had all but crushed it to the floor and it was listing heavily to the left.

The only fleeting comfort was who had caused its demise. There was a chance Leo would survive their father's wrath. Then again, if Splinter found out what condition his son had been in at the time…

Raphael looked between his brothers, incredulously, before his hands snapped into fists. "What tha hell is this?"

Both of the turtles jumped at his voice. Donnie peeked upside down at them, one bloodshot eye pouring tears. Leo however, lurched upright, with the toothiest grin either of the two had ever seen. "Haaaa-eeeey! You're home! Donnie, get the Wii! We're totally Netflixing Twilight!"

Raph and Mike looked at each other. "Okay, how wasted are you, dude?"

"Wasted? Pfffsssh!" Leo scathingly waved the question aside. He wobbled and threw his hands out. "Whoa! I think I fell outta the chair, man."

Donnie righted himself. "Geez, you awlrigh'?"

The leader blinked, patted the armrests and gave them all a thumbs up. "Never mind. I'm good!"

"Close," Donnie breathed to his sober brothers.

Raph went to the couch, vibrating in fury. "Ya friggin' lightweights, what were you thinkin'? Have either of you guys ever hadda a drink before?"

"Hey!" Don snapped, rolling to his knees to face his brother over the armrest. His scowl broke as he jabbed his finger into the air. "Leo can't hold hims liquor all by hisself. I'ms totally cool." He took a header off the couch, slamming his shoulder on the coffee table and ending up on his shell with his feet in the air.

"Donnie down!" Leo roared in delight as Mikey raced towards their fallen sibling.

Donatello clutched at Mike's shoulder, staring at him, blearily. "Hey, you okay?"

Raph rolled his eyes.

Mikey reached for the clear bottle and kept it out of Donnie's reach as he peered at the label. "What is this?"

Leo swung his legs from either end of the footrests, singing, "Whiskey…makes you smile!"

"This is vodka."

"Vod-ka! It makes you smile!"

"Where'd you even get it?"

Donnie's crooked smile appeared. He held a finger to his lips and then cocked it towards Raph. "Somebody's got a secret stash."

Mike lifted his brow at his seething brother.

"It was for Casey's birthday tomorrow, alrigh'?"

"Vodka?"

Raph shrugged. "No, jes the beer. April wanted the vodka ta make vanilla."

"How do you get vanilla out of vodka?"

"How should I know?"

Mikey looked at the bottles scattered around him and slowly turned the one in his hand, uneasy. "Hey, Raphie, you don't think they got alcohol poisoning?"

"Nah, they got a heapin' helpin' of stupid, that's what."

"Ba-here! It makes you smile!"

"Stop that!" Raph pinched between his eyes. "Okay. Mikey, you take Leo upstairs. I'll get Donnie to that cot in his lab."

Mikey looked between his brothers, frowning as he sized them. "Why don't you take Leo?"

"For cryin' out loud, Mike!"

"Okay, okay, okay! I'm going." He left Donnie where he lay and went to the leader, hauling him out of the chair's ruins. As soon as Leo was on his feet, he threw his arms around his little brother, pinning the turtle's arms to his sides. He dropped his cheek to the top of Mikey's head and twisted back and forth. "Grrr. We don't do this 'nuff."

Daggers and death threats were silently thrown in Raph's direction, who quickly busied himself gathering bottles. Mikey succeeded in pushing him back enough to loop his arm around Leo's shell. "Oookay, dude. Here we go, time for bed. No, no, this way."

Leo followed him, mildly humming his smile song.

Raphael grinned and let his armload drop. He flicked Donnie's knee. "Oi, you. Up."

Donnie swatted his hand. "I'm comfy righ' here."

"Well, ya ain't stayin' here," Raph growled, yanking him up. Donatello's head smacked the bottom of the table and he slapped at his brow. "Whoa! Boy, that's gonna hurt tomorrow, isn't it?"

"Serves ya right, ya moron." Raph pulled him to his feet and tensed as Donnie suddenly slumped against his chest.

"Whoa…"

"Got the spins?"

"Y-yeah, man…"

"Those'll get ya. Come on."

Raphael swept the slighter turtle up, bridal-style, and marched out of the living room and into the lab. He bypassed his normal route into the infirmary, going to the tiny canvas cot nestled between the wall and Donatello's workstation. He dumped his brother, unceremoniously, onto the makeshift bed.

Donnie groaned and pushed himself upright, his face lighting when he realized where he was.

"No, no, no," Raph said pushing him down. "Let's leave the chemicals and power tools alone for now, 'kay, Genius?" Donnie huffed and sat, the cot squeaking beneath him. Raph rolled a chair from the desk and sat down beside him. "At least we got you here without ya hurling, right? What were ya thinkin', Don? Me an' Mike are supposed to be the irrespon-"

"Huh!"

Raph froze. "Say what?"

Donnie's hand clamped over his mouth. "Muhph!"

"Oh, shhh-" Terror spiked through the larger turtle and he jumped to his feet. A nasty watery sound followed as Donatello's shoulders heaved. Panicked, Raph yanked a drawer from the desk and shoved it before his brother just as his stomach let loose.

Raph squinted at the ceiling as Donatello did his thing, thankful that the metal drawer had been welded together. "So, got inta the egg-salad sammiches, huh? Those were fer Casey's party too."

"He can get over it," Donnie whispered, spitting. He gave a weak smile. "'Sides, they were awesome."

Raph lifted his brow. "Ya know ya two took out the only things April's eva asked us ta bring ta a party?"

"April?" the younger turtle stared into the mess and his knuckles turned white. "Oh, no…April…What did we do, Raph? She's gonna be so maaaad at us!"

"Easy," Raph caught his wrist as white fear filled his brother's eyes. Donnie stared at him, desperately. Raph patted his arm, "Easy, we can make more. She don't hafta find out."

He nodded, miserable. "I threw up on my favorite pen…"

Raph peeked into the drawer and shook his head, pushing it aside. "Why'd ya guys do it, Don, dis ain't you. There supposed ta be some kind of lesson in dis? Leo's behind it, ain't he?"

Donatello's light eyes, one still watery and red, tried to focus on him. He leaned forward, suddenly, reached out, and tapped his brother right between the eyes. "Blink!" Then he keeled to the side, snoring as he hit the thin pillow.

Raph did blink. Then he grinned and dropped his head to hide his snigger, shoulders shaking. "Yer an idiot, Don." He stood and went to the door, carefully holding the drawer before him. "Sleep it off, lightweight." He glanced down, "An' we'll stop by OfficeMax tomorrow night."

The lab's door clicked behind him quietly.

By the time they reached the top of the stairs, Michelangelo was pouring sweat. Leonardo was making no effort to support himself, allowing his little brother to do all the work while he cranked his neck this way and that, staring at the pipes above them.

"Wow, Mike. Look at the rust on that. Think it's gonna bust?"

"Hasn't yet, right?" Mike answered, silently cursing that Leo had chosen the room farthest down the hall. His own was right at the top, where he could run and slide down the banister for breakfast. It had seemed like a great idea until now…

But no way was Leo getting his bed. He didn't care how far he had to carry him.

They shuffled along with the leader sinking lower and lower with each step. Mikey was all but doubled over when he stopped again. Leo looked around, bright-eyed as if he were thoroughly enjoying his new perspective.

A string of curses, now directed at Raphael, ran through the younger turtle's mind. He glared at his brother and lifted his eyes to the door leading into Donatello's room. It was slightly ajar, casting light onto the neatly made bed. Military-like.

Wheels churned in his head.

"Well, it's not like he's gonna use it, huh?"

"Yo, Mike," Leo giggled.

He grinned. "Yo? Dude, I don't even use that word. But, all things considered, I'm taking that as your permission to interfere with our brother's privacy for one night in order to get you sobered up. How's that sound?"

"Piracy?" Leo frowned. "Of the Caribbean? Why's the rum gone!"

"That'll work too," Mike said, hitching his brother up and staggering into the sterile darkness that was the scientist's room. Leo flopped onto the bed, groaning softly when Mike hooked his legs on top of the covers. He gave a content sigh, tucking his palm beneath his cheek.

Mikey looked around, uneasily. Everything in Donatello's room was pristine. From his wrinkle-free bed, to the polished piping, to the books organized alphabetically and by size, to the fact that every item on his desk was at a ninety degree angle. His bo fit neatly into the corner next to his pillow. There wasn't a crumb in sight.

Unnatural.

Mikey cleared his throat. "You, uh, you sure you'll be able to sleep in here, Leo? I got some dirt in my room that we could use to make it seem more human."

Leo's dark eyes fluttered open and he looked around with a warm smile. "Don."

"Whatever floats your boat," Mike shrugged. "Look, don't move, okay?"

"Righ'…"

He ran down the hall and pulled Leo's pillows off his bed, then snuck into Raph's to steal his worn-out pillow as well. He also grabbed two crushed cans off the cluttered dresser before he trotted back into Donatello's room.

Leo was gone.

He caught a snicker coming from behind the angled door.

Are you kidding? "L-Leo?"

"Ha!" Leonardo burst from his hiding spot and caught him in a bear-hug. "Gotcha!"

Mikey sighed, heavily, his chin jammed into the other's shoulder. "I am not a fan of this, Leo."

"What're those?" Leo asked, pointing at the cans.

Mike tossed them over the floor, letting them go where they may. "So I don't freak out in here."

Leo grinned, reached over to the desk and knocked the pencil sharpener off. Shavings went everywhere. "Ehh?"

Mike shook his head. "That's great, bro. Come on, back to bed."

He made Leo lay on his side and stuffed the pillows against his legs and back, propping him into place.

"Do you know how awesome you are?"

Sweet Lord in Heaven.

Mike gave him a sheepish smile. "I think we cut you off at the right time, bro."

"I mean it, Mikey," Leo said. "Takin' care of me like this. It's…it's kinda nice, ya know? An' I never tell ya how great ya are…an' how much I love that you're my brother."

He looked up with his dark eyes shining with mist.

"Aaaaand we've turned the corner into Awkwardsville. Look -"

Even out of his mind drunk, Leonardo was still fast. He wrenched his brother down by the wrist, crushed him against his chest and kissed him right above his brow.

"Dude!"

"You're so the best, Mikey…"

He squirmed, trying to free himself. "Leo, don't make me a person who punches drunk guys!"

The strong arms fell from him in a flash. "There's a drunk guy here?"

Mike stood, dusting himself off, "Forget it. Promise me you'll go to sleep."

"Promise."

"And no more hiding behind the door?"

"Right."

"We're sleeping now."

"Sleep. On it."

Michelangelo backed away from him, his hands held out, soothingly, as Leo watched him ease towards the door. Then, the leader's head shot up.

"Mike, wait! What about Twilight?"

Twilight Zone more like it. "Tell ya what, Leo. If you still want to watch…that…in the morning, I'll be there, okay? But we're sleeping, right."

"'Kay…"

He closed the door and shuddered from his toes, furiously scrubbing at his brow. The hugs he handed out were one thing. Drunk Leo hugs were a whole new level of weird. Mike snorted and headed for his own room, wondering if he had anything to kill affection cooties.

They faced each other over the coffee table, looking around at the devastation their brothers had caused. Raph was holding a metal drawer, helplessly.

"They're so gonna hear about this in the morning," Mikey grinned.

Raph laughed. "That's what booze is all about, little brother."

They looked around again. "They've got nothing on us, though."

"Damn straight," Raph growled. "If we'd been the ones -" Suddenly, his eyes widened and he jammed his wrist pad to his nose. "Holy geez, what is that?"

"What?"

"That smell! Is that you?"

Mikey grinned and sniffed at his shoulder. "Maybe. I sprayed some of that cologne Casey got me for Christmas last year."

"Why? Why would you do that?" Raph spat to the side, his eyes watering.

"To kill the Leo cooties…"

"Yer killin' somethin'," Raphael shoved the drawer into his brother's stomach. "Here. Maybe if you clean this out, it'll get some of that stink off ya."

Mikey cried out when he realized what he was holding. "Oh, sick! Raph!"

"An' we need more egg-salad sammiches for tomorrow. I'm going ta bed."

"Raph, wait! Raph!"

He looked at the mess in his hands, then at the mess around him, and towards the kitchen. "Are you freaking kidding me?"

* Hee. Hee. I don't know where the last part came from, seems more random than the rest. Aw, well! Thanks for reading once again! Hoped you liked it!