AUTHOR'S NOTE:

This is a parody of crime drama through the medium of OHSHC.

(I've been watching too much CSI and Criminal Minds.)

"Death By Consumption"

'Is that the vic?' asked Tamaki, referring to the brown-haired female who had stayed behind for the interview in the home economics lab.

Kyouya glanced over the rim of his glasses at the person his friend was pointing at. 'If you mean Haruhi, then she most certainly is.'

Tamaki gripped the front of his trench coat, unable to bear the mounting tragedy unfolding before him. 'Poor thing,' he whispered, and went over to her immediately. 'Miss Fujioka, my name is Special Agent Suoh and I am here to investigate the crime. Please, tell me what happened.'

Haruhi's large eyes moved from Tamaki to the rest of the Host Club members loitering in the background. 'Uh, why is everyone wearing white coveralls and plastic bags on their feet?'

'Clearly traumatised,' Tamaki muttered to himself as he made some notes on her statement in a leather-bound writing pad. 'We were informed by one of your classmates that a perp consumed a special item of yours. What was it?'

'Oh, that,' said Haruhi, deciding to play along. 'Yeah, I left it there for a minute then it was suddenly–'

Special Agent Suoh placed the tip of his mechanical pencil against Haruhi's speaking lips. 'Shh,' he told her in his gentlest tone, 'we'll find out who did this.'

'Right, sure,' Haruhi agreed, uncertainly. How far was he going to go with this?

'Well, Miss Fujioka, can we access the evidence? My colleagues Dr Hitachiin times two and Detective slash Technical Analyst Ootori are here to examine the crime scene.' He walked past without waiting for an answer, followed by Kyouya and the twins, who were careful to maintain grim expressions.

Reluctantly, Haruhi joined them.

On the table was a saucer positioned near the window and it displayed what looked like the remains of Haruhi's home economics project.

'Dr Hitachiin, what's the situation?' said Tamaki, stopping just short of the table.

'Special Agent Suoh, I don't mean to question your identification techniques, but you might want to give me and Kaoru slightly different names.'

'Okay, okay. Kaoru, you'll be known as Dr Hitachiin.'

Kaoru lowered his face mask and frowned. 'Why? I'm only the Assistant Medical Examiner slash In-house Behavioural Analyst. You can't call me Dr Hitachiin!'

'Yeah,' said Hikaru, 'his major is literature. I'm way more qualified.'

'Do I need to even be here?' sighed Kyouya. 'As a Technical Analyst, I shouldn't be on the field.'

Tamaki pulled the twins aside as he flashed the vic his most disarming smile. 'You – are – my – support – unit!' Tamaki reminded his colleagues with quiet urgency. 'And I want you to support me on the management of this crime scene! Now Kaoru… think of an MO! And Dr Hitachiin… interpret the evidence!'

'What, don't I get a rank now?' sulked Kaoru, tears in his eyes.

Hikaru lifted his brother's chin with ineffable tenderness. 'The Chief Medical Examiner slash Trace and DNA Technician can never be without his talented assistant.'

'But it's so unfair…' sniffed Kaoru, burying his face against Hikaru's shoulder.

Stroking Kaoru's hair, Hikaru whispered, 'When we next do the night-shift, I'll show you what's fair…'

Tamaki coughed. 'Meeting adjourned!'

The twins rolled their eyes and returned to the crime scene. They found Kyouya already typing at his laptop.

'Hey, have you found something?' said Hikaru, peering at the laptop screen.

'Yes,' answered Kyouya, still typing. 'While you and your brother were providing fan service to our limited audience, I was studying the components of Haruhi's home economics project. It seems to consist of several elements. Cereal grains ground to a fine powder, traces of sucrose and cocoa, and a strand of avian protein which could have come from domestic fowl.'

'In other words,' said Tamaki, who had finally joined them, 'we're dealing with cake.'

'Cause of death?' asked Hikaru.

Kyouya followed the script on his laptop and tried not to groan. 'Death by consumption.'

'Do we have a profile of the un-sub?' Tamaki said to Kaoru.

The younger twin was taking photos of the saucer and the unfortunate cake in question. He paused in his work to respond. 'Well, judging from the crumb spatter patterns surrounding the saucer, the un-sub appears to lack any form of manners and may have consumed the cake in a hurry. Also,' said Kaoru, pointing at the icing, 'there are signs of shallow blunt-force trauma to this section of the epidermis… four square-shaped punctures, to be precise. I think this indicates that the un-sub is aware of basic dining etiquette and may have attempted to curb their greed by consuming the cake with a dull pronged instrument…'

'Like a fork?' interrupted Haruhi from the other side of the table.

Kaoru furrowed his brow, deep in thought. 'Yes,' he murmured, 'very much like a fork.'

Hands clasped behind his back, Special Agent Suoh started pacing the floor. 'What does this mean? What does this mean?'

'It means that someone just really likes cake,' said Kaoru.

'Listen guys,' said Haruhi, taking the saucer from Hikaru, who was dusting the saucer for fingerprints, 'as much as it bothers me that someone ate my project, I can simply bake another one in time for the deadline.'

Everyone except Haruhi and Kyouya gasped.

Haruhi asked, 'What?'

'Mom, Mom, she's contaminating the evidence!'

'My rank is Detective, Special Agent Suoh, and I prefer to be addressed as such.'

Hikaru presented Haruhi with a pair of rubber gloves. 'Best to put these on.'

'Of course…' sighed Haruhi, taking the gloves.

'Kaoru, I'll need more photos of the icing. If I can get a bite mark comparison from everyone in Haruhi's home economics class, we'll nail the perp for sure.'

Tamaki stopped pacing. 'But why not samples of their DNA? If we test the saliva left on the cake, it'll get us results in a flash!'

'Not so,' said Kyouya. 'DNA tests can take several weeks and we only have several hours.'

Tamaki slammed his fist on the table, converting the pain to a look of pure despair. 'Why must time work against us! Kaoru, what's the un-sub's MO?'

'MO: modus operandi,' said Kaoru with the aid of a dictionary. 'Latin for "mode of operating" and defines the habitual characteristics of an active felon.'

'Yes, I know that, but what is it?' Tamaki persisted.

'Likes to work alone, I guess.'

Tamaki grasped Haruhi by the hands. 'Miss Fujioka, can you think of anyone would want to harm your cake?'

'No, but I probably know who ate the cake in the first place.'

Everyone except Haruhi and Kyouya gasped.

'Who?' they demanded, unable to believe that the vic had solved the case so soon.

'Well, think about it,' said Haruhi. 'There's only one person who could have eaten that cake.'

'The twins!' Tamaki asserted, throwing the pair an accusatory glance. 'They're in the very same class and they refuse to let you succeed!'

The twins went blank. 'Why exactly would we wish for her downfall? And besides, we don't really eat that much cake.'

'You're always in the Top Five academically, but you're never Number One!' Tamaki continued, closing in on Hikaru and Kaoru with a menacing gaze. 'By sabotaging the cake, you hoped to snatch the top spot away from her! You hoped to have our sweet daughter Haruhi expelled from school! You scum make me sick!'

Hikaru removed his safety goggles and wiped Tamaki's spit on the front of Tamaki's trench coat. 'Special Agent Suoh, you are way too close! Don't let your emotions get the better of you! You're letting them cloud and taint your own judgement!'

'And it's just a stupid cake,' added Kaoru, also wiping his goggles. 'No one gets expelled over something like that!'

'Tamaki, the twins are right,' said the voice of the un-sub.

Everyone turned to the figure standing in the doorway to the home economics lab.

'No…' whispered Tamaki, fumbling for the water gun tangled in his pocket. 'How could you? It was you all along?'

'Watch out! He has a weapon!' shouted Kaoru.

'H2O, H2O!' pointed Hikaru.

But it was too late. There was not enough time to turn their eyes away from the gigantic tears spilling down the un-sub's face.

'It was meeeeeee!' wailed Mitsukuni Haninozuka, also known as "Hunny". 'I'm soooooooooorrry!'

Tamaki slid to the floor, his water gun useless in his hand.

'Can you leave me alone now so I can bake a replacement?' said Haruhi, comforting the un-sub as he bawled noisily on her shoulder.

'Fine with me,' said Kyouya, and folded up his laptop.

'This game is boring!' said the twins. 'Crime scene investigation sucks!'

Tamaki paused by Haruhi's table. 'Are you sure you'll be okay?'

'Case closed,' she replied, shoving him out of the door.

'Yaaaay!' cheered Hunny. 'Haru-chan, let me help you! I promise not to eat a thing!'

'Sure you can, Hunny-sempai.'

'Can Mori help too?'

'Sure, where is he?'

Outside, Tamaki bowed his head, feeling subdued. 'My work here is done.' Removing his trench coat and throwing it over his shoulder, Special Agent Suoh proceeded to leave the vic with a happy life and a happy ending. As he passed Mori in the corridor, he glanced up to bid the third-year "goodnight" before strolling on his way.

Had Suoh paused in his greeting, he would have seen a crumb in the corner of Mori's mouth.

GLOSSARY

Vic: victim; tends to refer to the deceased in a crime

Perp: perpetrator; person who committed the crime

Un-sub: unknown subject; subject of an investigation