Title: Captain Jack Commits Fanfic
Rating: NC-17
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Ianto, Jack; Jack/Ianto
Summary: Jack writes smut.
Warnings: Bad!porn, crack
Disclaimer: If I owned Torchwood, the boys would have had more screentime together, more sex, and Ianto would still be alive.
A/N: This is for milady_dragon . After reading her awesomely hilarious fic, On How to Spend New Year's Eve, this just begged to be written.

"'Ianto fell into his arms'", read Ianto, "' "Oh Jack," cried the sumptuous Welsh studmuffin. "Your the only man for me! Just give the word and I will remain with you, forever!" '"

It took a while for Ianto to process what he was reading, and when the realisation finally sank in, he spun round in his chair and yelled in the direction of the Captain's office, "Jack! Come down here a minute!"

Moments later Jack came bounding down the stairs, obviously eager for a distraction that would take him away from the paperwork Ianto had set him to do three hours ago. "Hmmm, what is it?" he asked as he settled down behind the archivist and rested his chin on Ianto's head, messing up his hair. Ianto shook him off.

"Read this. " He gestured at the screen.

Ianto watched intently as Jack's eyes flickered through the webpage, but if he had expected Jack to be embarrassed or abashed by what he was reading, he was in for a disappointment.

Jack was grinning. "You've read it!" he exclaimed in what could only be delight.

"It's smut! About us! And you wrote it!"

"I know! What do you think?"

The looks on Jack's face reminded Ianto vaguely of a puppy expecting praise after having performed a trick.

"You defeated the point of having a penname by calling yourself CaptainJackHarkness. And you keep using 'your' instead of 'you're' or 'you are'. Didn't they teach you grammar in school?"

"We had better autocorrect," said Jack, shrugging. "But what do you think of the smut?"

"I'm totally out of character here! I don't swoon!"

"You did last week!" Jack thought to point out.

"I was drugged!"

"Whatever. The smut! How is it?"

"' "Oh Jack!" cried the Welshman as he was repeatedly impaled on the Captain's huge purple flesh rod of pleasure.'" Ianto was glad he wasn't drinking his coffee or he would have spat it all over the screen. "What the hell Jack!"

"Do you like it?" Jack, asked, grinning.

Ianto's face felt hot. "It's rubbish!"

"Hey, it got fifty-three comments, okay!" countered Jack.

"Well, then fifty-three people have bad taste. It's like those Harlequin romance novels Rhi used to read. Worse."

"You read your sister's Harlequin romance novels?"

Ianto didn't think it was possible to get any redder, but it felt like he did.

"Besides," added Jack as he spun Ianto's chair around and traced the inseam of his pants at the crotch. "Looks like you do like the idea of being 'impaled' on my 'huge flesh rod of pleasure'."

Ianto batted his hand away, forcing himself not to thrust up into it. "Fuck off, Jack."

"I intend to, but only with my sexy Welshman beside me." Jack knelt and began mouthing along the still clothed inside of Ianto's thigh while he cupped his lover's bourgeoning erection with his hand. "You know," he murmured against crease of where Ianto's leg met his hip, "I have a sequel in works. Over a thousand words of pure smut. And it's better than this one. If you'd like to read it, I'll send you the file. You could b-"

"Oh, shut up, Jack," said Ianto as he pushed himself to his feet and seizing Jack by the braces, dragged him off into the Archives.

Fin