Law of Equivalent Exchange

In which Ed rips through the portal, curb kicks the Naruto villains, and gives a whole lecture about their blatant disregard to the one true law of ANY universe: equivalent exchange.

Warning: crackpot theories, pseudo-science, blatant references

Kabuto is quite antisocial, withdrawing from human contact as vampires do from light. But the war is over, and Madara insists on breaking every rule in the "Things to Never do as Evil Overlord" manual.

First, dragging the very-much alive kyuubi host and his friends into the secret hideout that everyone in the world now knows about.

Two, binding them together in only a seemingly fool proof manner that even a five year old can sniff out the loopholes.

Three, gathering the entire villainous staff in a single location that is susceptible to be nuked, mostly because of number one.

Four, discarding an ally and tossing him in with the fallen heroes (the fact that said ally had former connections to the main hero, and incredibly strong ones at that, doesn't help.)

Five, gloating his almighty-ness and cursing/laughing at the pathetic Uchiha and Senju, when many followers in the room are indeed outraged Uchihas and Senjus themselves, or descendents/ancestors of.

Six, revealing every detail of how he succeeded, including unveiling the hissing snake-nin, and all his future plans.

Seven, giving Naruto and Sasuke the opportunity to reconcile and agree, yes, they are both idiots and that they should just drop their "I'm going to save the world!" and "I'm going to destroy the world!" plans in favor of working together to shut the senile old kook up.

Overall, Madara is tempting Fate to just come down in person and stomp him to the curb, deconstructing his 100 year plan via a single deus-ex-machina.

"So, any last words?"

Kabuto wants to make his snake strangle himself. This is indeed a very, very bad idea.

Naruto and Sasuke both exchange a grin, and suddenly the Sharingan activates and fiery chakra whirls in the air. "Yes, we do," they state simultaneously, and Kabuto is expecting either a corporal god or demon fox to materialize from nowhere.

And indeed, both do, combining and morphing, transforming and mutating, as the Sharingan attempts to control the chakra, and the chakra continues to warp the Sharingan, and the entire cove/hideout is drenched head to toe in the agonizingly dense air and ominous music.

Zombie Deidara enthusiastically approves of the display with 4.5/5 in drama and 3.75/5 in artistic appeal, while re-zombiefied Sasori gives 1.25/5 shurikens.

Then...

A giant metallic mass falls, and once the vibrations, ominous music, lightning, and filler stares of extended horror fade, there is a silence.

"A door?"

"... Yeah, looks like a door to me."

And an intimidating millennium-year-old door it is, nearly a story tall with the head and claws of a shinigami, and nine symbolic tails engraved deeply on the surface. Now this, re-zombiefied Sasori approves; zombie Deidara merely grunts.

"What were you thinking about, dobe? The bathroom?"

"Hey! I haven't used a toilet for two hundred pages. Cut me some slack."

"But a door? What are we suppose to do with a door? Have it tip down and crush everyone to death?"

"That, or we can... uh... open it? Maybe the awesome-cool-sage-ninja slash father-of-the-universe is behind it."

"Then why don't you open it," Sasuke grits through his teeth, "before, you know, anyone wises up and decides to finally kill us."

Naruto pouts, but agrees, as an enlarged chakra hand, five hundred times his body's mass, shoots out of of his chest and attempts to push the door.

Then pull it.

Then push again.

Then shake it furiously.

Then pound and weep before it.

Then... knock on it? Politely?

Huh. Nothing. The hand retreats, knuckles hung low and defeated.

Naruto decides it must be a verbal command instead. "Uhh... open sesame?"

…

"Avra Kedavra?"

…

"Oh, the mystical sakura goddess of thy heavenly moon commands thou to open... ish? Just a peek? Pretty please?"

…

"Ooh! Ooh! Now I know. The ramen goddess of noodle-y heaven commands thou to unslurp yourself!"

Nope, still nothing. Naruto is officially out of ideas, leaving his partner to roll his eyes and, once again, save the day.

Sasuke closes his eyes, puts on his most grim face, and then commands in an authoritative, manly, and very Uchiha-ish voice, "OPEN... DOOR."

…

"Haha, the door ignored you too," Naruto snickers.

"Oh, for the love of Itachi," he groans, "Unmask thyself! Reveal thy hatred to me! The seeds of revenge commands you to open! Do it! ...Now!"

"You fail worse than me, man."

An enraged Sasuke then decides to test his ninjutsu hand, his eyes bleeding as black fire engulfs the base... but the metal is actually fortified tungsten, and contrary to belief, Amaterasu not "fire" from the sun (hence why no one has died from the sheer proximity to it nor suffered from skin cancer yet), but a side-effect flame that is so low in temperature, it no longer emits visible light. The incineration, then, results from feeding chakra, but tungsten is chakra-proof. Which also renders the Tsukuyomi (maybe the door is sentient, who knows) and Susanoo also ineffective.

What everyone fails to realize is that a simple hacksaw might do the trick, slowly but surely. That, or a kick from Rock Lee, who, unfortunately, has been cast to side-character hell, letting his awesomeness wilt on arbitrary manga panels, and will not be included in this story. Yet.

However, no physical damage to The Door is also good. Any physicist will say it very dangerous to mess with interdimensional portals (intradimensional abuses are fine, as proven by the stability in reality and lack of any super-massive black holes after multiple time-space jutsus), but there hasn't been any further studies in physics since the so-called impossible Chuunin Written Exam, which actually contains elementary problems high school students can solve, so let's not even go into the scientific horrors associated with that.

So, to move on with the plot, a zombie Itachi mutters a pseudo-Greek incantation from under his breath, because the only plausible explanation for how he invented all those doujutsus is that he derived them from a scroll of a fallen, ancient civilization that he obtained on a long-lost pre-storyline mission. Why? Because you can't freaking expect a thirteen year old boy to tap into the deep mythological powers of the universe, creating alter-realities from pure neuron discharges and gaining the ability to summon gods into combat... overnight.

And thus, the door opens, revealing the glows of heavenly light and two figures booted into the Naruto-verse, because they, once again, are banished from their own dimension for being too epically awesome.

(Or so they will say.)

And as everyone insignificant in this scene ogles and falls to their knees, bowing and chanting "Kami-sama, Kami-sama," Ed rubs his ass, examines the scene, looks for his brother, who, though a tad dismantled, has all his pieces.

"Uh... brother, I've got a feeling we're not in Amestris anymore," Al says after placing back on his head.

And everyone stares in awe, admiring the talking armor that is their god, while Ed looks around the cove, concludes this primitive place is an insult to his intelligence, and mumbles, "Alright, this is the last time I'm taking advice from Ling."