A/N: Yay angst! I found this lying in my dropbox and figured I'd post it. I'm not quite sure what I was thinking when I wrote this, but hey, I don't remember half of what I write, let alone understand it. So go, fetch. Roll over. Play dead. Read.

C o w a r d

More than anything else in the world, Lee hates Gai.

Lee dreams, sometimes, of catching the man on a bad day and running him through, but he wouldn't hit any vitals, he'd just make him bleed and hurt a bit, then he'd whirl around and slam him in the face, the man would stumble back and Lee would take the opening to kick him in the gut, and he'd fall to the ground with a cry of pain and outrage.

There are so many reasons Lee hates Gai he can't count them with his two hands.

He hates Gai for missing that kick, he hates him for taking the hit that set him off-balance in the first place. Lee hates him for picking that town to stay in, hates him for picking that mission at all, when he knew the danger coming with a real A-class one. Lee hates Gai for showing Neji the modified eight gates technique, when he knew damn well the boy could kill himself with it, and Lee hates Gai for helping Tenten pass the jounin exams when she was only sixteen, and Lee hates Gai for all the stupid outbursts and the stupid lectures and the stupid training exercising and for wearing such a painful shade of green, the green that makes Lee want to tear his eyes out.

But most of all Lee hates Gai for helping him become a ninja at all, for catching him that afternoon after the academy and offering him a little help. If he wasn't a ninja he could have owned a bakery like he'd always dreamed as a kid, he could have worn a white apron and made bread and cakes and gotten married to a nice civilian girl and had three kids and he could have been happy.

Lee avoids the headstone like the plague, he wouldn't even come to the Uchiha's funeral because he was to be buried right next to them, and then Lee would've had to spend an hour in stuffy black clothes in the sun to stare at their names and try not to kill someone.

And even if it is less, Lee hates Neji too.

Lee hates the way Neji always sneered at him, hates the way his eyes stared back blank and unforgiving, and he hates the smile on his lips when for the first time in his life he said 'I love you'.

It wasn't fair.

Lee hates Neji for leaving him with that love, for setting a fire and leaving him to deal with the burns.

Lee hates the maroon splotches that still stain his jounin vest to this day, hates the way his arm-guards smell of sweat and bloody and saliva, still, after countless nights up until dawn, scrubbing away with dish soap.

Least of all Lee hates Tenten, but still he hates her too, maybe because she's the only one he doesn't have a real reason to hate.

Still, Lee hates how perfect Tenten was, how she kept fighting right until the end, when Neji was bleeding and Lee was half-conscious and Gai was on his knees, Lee hates her for being the strong one and leaving them anyways.

Lee hates how beautiful Tenten was.

Every time he sees Gai face now in passing he sees hers, beautiful and ugly even covered in dirt and blood and missing three of her front teeth so he could see through to the back of her throat.

And every time he sees Gai he hates him, because when the man catches his eyes he gets this glazed, guilty look and he pauses and just stares at Lee, as if waiting for something to happen.

Gai must know Lee hates him.

Gai must notice the way Lee glares, the way he doesn't wear green or orange anymore and avoids him at all costs, the way he wouldn't even come to the funeral.

Gai must hate Lee too.

Gai must hate the way Lee is so petty and fed-up, must hate the way he never lets go, must hate the way he takes so many missions his knees give out and he'll just sit there on his heels and glare at the wall.

Gai must hate him for becoming a ninja too, because if he wasn't a ninja maybe he'd have gotten a better third student, and Lee couldn't have tripped into that blow, couldn't have fallen under that genjutsu, couldn't have left Neji unprotected, couldn't have watched Tenten die helplessly in his arms, her lips pursed slightly as she whispered for a final time 'I love you'.

Gai must hate Lee, for wearing all black and being so irritable and never paying his respects to them.

And from heaven, Neji must hate Lee too, because he was never a good teammate, and could never save him or even get through to him until it was too late.

And from heaven, Tenten must hate Lee, for being so useless and not having normal chakra coils and not being able to heal her as she bled her life out onto the grass.

(And from the other side of the bathroom mirror, Lee must hate Lee, for being such a goddamned coward.)