Chapter 3
As Merlin awoke, contentment sat in his heart but was eventually pierced by a thin, sharp needle of doubt. Where did last night leave him and Arthur?
After they had left the stables Arthur had gone toward Uthur's dining hall and Merlin had gone back to his and Gaius's chambers. The look Arthur had given him when he they went their separate ways was one of happy affection, but had faded to solemn consideration. The expression stayed with Merlin as he fell asleep and in his dreams that night.
What would he do when he saw Arthur today? What could he do? Slight panic joined the doubt.
Gaius's voice calling from downstairs shifted him from his thoughts and he forced himself out of bed.
"I made you breakfast, Merlin," Gaius said in a voice too chipper for the earliness of the hour. "Gwen brought me some fresh eggs from the market this morning."
"Great," Merlin replied, but he dragged his feet as he walked over to the table.
"Are you alright Merlin?" Gaius asked, "You've been acting very strangely the last day or so."
"Yeah, yeah I'm fine…" He paused before letting his words spill out in a ramble. "Gaius, what do you do when you're not sure how somebody feels about you, and you're not sure how you feel about them, but you can't stop thinking about them, and you want to know if they're thinking of you and you aren't sure how to act around them and…um…yeah…What do you do?"
"Ah," Gaius chuckled, "Girl problems."
"Yeah…something like that…" Merlin felt slightly sick and only picked at his eggs with a fork.
"Well, Merlin, it's difficult to say. Who's the lucky girl?"
"I don't think you know…her."
"You'd be surprised. I treat a lot of people. Try me."
"Um…Okay." Merlin cleared his throat. "Um…Arthur."
Gaius let out a half-laugh and then a sinister expression grew on his face when he realized that Merlin was serious. "Are you mad Merlin?"
"I think...maybe…"
"Do you realize what could happen?" the old man yelled, "Boy you can't afford to keep anymore secrets like this! If anybody finds out that you—No, Merlin. I shall not discuss it any further. You must purge these feelings from yourself!"
Merlin had never seen Gaius this way. This man, who had always been his understanding mentor, who he could confide in, was telling him these things. Anger rose up in him; something stronger than what he had felt against Arthur in the stable. "How can you say that? I thought you were always telling me to accept who I am! What, I can have magic as long as I keep it a secret but I can't love another man, even if that too is a secret?" He choked on the words. He hadn't fully realized it, but it was true. He did love Arthur. His destiny was tied to his in more ways than just as a magical protector.
Gaius's face became deep red. "Merlin you don't understand. You are only giving them another reason to kill you."
"'Them,'" Merlin scoffed. "I'm sick of 'them'"
"'They' have the power! Uthur could—would have you killed with a snap of his fingers."
"And you? Would you have me killed?"
"Merlin, of course not! How can you say that?"
"How can you say what you're saying?"
"I wouldn't have you killed, Merlin," Gaius said in an attempt to be calming.
"But you would if you didn't know me!" He didn't wait for an answer. "I have to go work."
As he fumed out of the room he heard Gaius call frantically after him, "Merlin, don't do anything rash!" In his state of mind, his saying that made Merlin want to do something rash.
When he was out of the room, however, merely being out of Gaius's presence helped clear his mind, and made him realize that the old man was probably right. He didn't need another reason for people to kill him. He didn't need another secret.
When he entered Arthur's chambers he saw that the prince was still sleeping. The sun shone through the window and lit up his straw-colored hair and his face looked utterly peaceful and unaware. It was difficult to imagine that this man was a trained warrior and commander. That he was a prince could not be doubted.
Not wanting to wake him, Merlin set up Arthur's wash water as quietly as he could. He was tempted to use magic, but he knew that if Arthur found out, Gaius would probably think he'd gone completely insane.
Just as Merlin lifted the warm water from the fire and began to pour it into a ceramic bowl he heard Arthur stir. He didn't turn toward him and just pretended not to notice him until he said his name in a sleepy but firm voice.
"Yes, sire?" he asked turning around, putting a smile on his face.
"I'm glad you're here; I need to talk to you." Arthur shifted uncomfortably. "I've had a lot of time to think."
"While you were sleeping?" Merlin replied jocularly, but he felt his stomach drop.
"I'm serious, Merlin." He stood up out of bed. Merlin tried not to blush at his shirtless chest.
"Merlin, have you ever had to keep a really big secret before?"
Annoyed at Arthur's condescending tone, Merlin lied, "Um, no...not really."
"Well, when I was about five or six I found a toad in the woods. I was so excited about it. I hid him in my room for days because I knew my father would never allow it, but I didn't want to give it up. But when my father did find out—a maid saw it when she was cleaning under my bed and there was a huge commotion—he squished it under his boot, right in front of me. I'll never forget how upset I was until he knelt in front of me and said, 'Arthur, one day you are going to be the king of Camelot. You will not be able to hide little creatures in your bedroom and be a king. It's better that you don't have these kinds of distractions.'" Arthur paused and looked Merlin in the eye and said, "What I'm saying Merlin, is that this can't continue. I'm sorry but it can't."
Merlin looked back into his eyes for a moment before whispering, "I know."
Arthur made a sudden movement toward Merlin, as if to comfort him but then stopped himself and looked away. "If it were to get out that I have…feelings for you—." Arthur's eyes widen and he said, "Oh God I shouldn't have said that. It'll only make things harder…" He ran his hands through his hair in frustration.
"You really think I'm that weak?" Merlin interjected almost without thinking. "That you're so amazing that I won't be able to live knowing that the great prince Arthur has feelings for me? I'm that little creature under your bed within your pow—."
"That's not what I meant." It seemed difficult for Arthur to speak. "...I meant, it'll be harder for me. Admitting it to myself and to you."
Merlin was speechless.
"I'm sorry Merlin, but I think I have to find a new servant." Arthur said.
"I—I understand, my lord," he replied, though it wasn't completely true.
Arthur nodded but didn't look convinced. "I'll make sure you get another job somewhere in the castle."
"I'll just go then."
"Yes, I think that would be best."
Before he could say another word Merlin walked quickly from the chambers. Anger and frustration bubbled up inside Merlin. He was angry at Arthur for being such coward. He couldn't handle their secret or even his presence. How does he think I feel?
As he fumed through the halls, he passed by Morgana who was skulking around the castle as usual. He must have given her a very frightening look because she started on the spot and stared at him as he went on his way.
Of course he can't know how I feel. Merlin slowed down when that occurred to him. He doesn't—can't know what I'm hiding already.
When he had almost reached Gaius's living quarters, he made a realization. This was a secret both of them were sharing together. Except Arthur had never had to hide something this big before now. Merlin laughed out loud that Arthur though his little toad secret even measured up to either of Merlin's. Suddenly determined, Merlin walked back to Arthur's chambers.
Merlin knocked softly on the door.
"Come," the prince called
As he entered he found the prince staring out the window, still shirtless and not ready for the day. He had obviously not gotten a new servant yet, as his bed remained unmade.
Arthur turned and seemed surprised, though not upset to see him there. "Uh, come in Merlin," he said awkwardly.
Oddly flattered at his attempt of politeness, Merlin closed the door behind him and said in a quiet, steady voice, "I thought, given recent…events…I needed to show you something. Arthur, I lied earlier. I have had to keep a secret before."
Without another word, Merlin gestured his hand at a vase on the table about five feet away from him. A single flower removed itself from the rest and levitated to a stop exactly halfway between the two men.
Arthur stared at the flower, disbelieving, then turned his gaze to Merlin, and asked, "You can—You've—you've been hiding this…how long—." He seemed to force conviction into his voice when he finally said, "Exactly how long have you been hiding this from me—from everyone!"
"Forever," Merlin answered, "As long as I've been in Camelot."
"Why are you showing me? You know my father would have you killed!"
"Yes, but you also kissed me, and he would have me killed for that too." The realization of how truly thoughtless Arthur had been before finally set in, and Merlin felt resentful. However, he added, "Now you have both of these secrets. And you know that I was able—am able to keep both of them. I may as well show you. You already have enough reason to have me killed. Now I'm leaving it in your hands."
"Merlin—."
"I'll let you think about it. I only ask that you tell me your decision first before you tell your father…or not tell him." He let the flower drop to the floor.
As Merlin turned to leave, Arthur said hastily, "Merlin, wait! I've made my decision."
Merlin spun to look him in the eyes and the prince finished, "How could you doubt it for a second?"
Merlin laughed giddily, and felt slightly childish. "Well, with you sometimes it's hard to know."
"Oh shut up and come here," Arthur said, taking long strides to reach Merlin. The young wizard finished closing the space between them and kissed him passionately. Then they simply held each other.
But the moment was broken too soon when Arthur released Merlin, saying, "Now we must begin to pretend, I suppose. My father has a tendency to forgo knocking…"
Merlin laughed again, just as giddily as before, and said, "Does this mean I'm still your servant?"
Arthur looked at him appraisingly, "We'll have to see about that, you lazy bum."
They both laughed.
Sorry this was so long after Chapter 2. As always please review and tell me what you think!