A/N- This is most definitely the biggest piece of crack I have ever written. Read it if you're looking for a laugh, but seriously, don't flame me for just throwing words together because that's basically what my friend Ali and I did when we wrote this thing.

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Harry Potter franchise. If I did, there would be more Drarry.

A Harry Potter Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the castle,
Harry Potter roamed
without the slightest hassle.

His friends Ron and Hermione
he went and woke
so they could travel under
the Invisibility Cloak.

They explored all the rooms
of Hogwarts School.
They even found
the hidden swimming pool!

There they saw Voldemort
casting a spell
on an unfortunate student
whom they knew so well.

Hermione whipped out her wand and,
with an annoyed yawn,
she flicked her wrist lightly.
Poof! The Dark Lord was gone!

Draco jumped up, shouting
"My hero!"
But he flew past Hermione,
that Mudblood zero!

The blond threw his arms
around Harry Potter
and gave him a kiss that
couldn't get hotter.

"I just saved your arse,
you little douche bag!"
Hermione flipped out,
beginning to nag.

"Shut up, already!"
Ron said with a scowl.
"Or I'll slap you so hard that you'll
start to howl!"

So Hermione shut her
big ugly trap
as Harry pulled out the
Marauder's Map.

"We can go to the kitchens,
but we must make haste!
Not a single Cauldron Cake
can go to waste!"

The four ran down the hallway,
past the library,
when a peculiar thought
dumbstruck poor Harry.

"Draco," he asked in a
confused tone,
"Since when have you
wanted me for your own?"

"Since the day we met,"
Draco said with a laugh.
"And now that Voldemort's gone,
nothing stands in our path!"

"We'll be together forever!"
Harry said with a grin.
"And if that's the case,
let the snog-fest begin!"

The two flew to the wall,
kissing and groping each other,
but Hermione stepped in,
always playing the mother.

"Come off it, you two!"
she barked, pointing a finger.
"If you want midnight snacks,
we mustn't linger!"

So the boys separated,
both giving a smirk.
They knew full well
they'd go back to their work.

They continued to run through
the halls, on the double,
but quietly so they would
not get in trouble.

They approached the portrait
and tickled the pear.
It gave a giggle and moved,
fast as a hare.

On the inside they found
Christmas treats piled high;
Tea cakes, dick pudding,
cherry and apple pie.

They licked their lips;
It all smelled so sweet!
The House Elves approached,
to feed and to greet.

Ron and Hermione ate
to their hearts' content.
Draco and Harry kissed until
they were spent.

They washed it all down
with a butterbeer swig.
Ron stuffed his robe pockets
because he is a pig.

Bellies full of
holiday sweets,
they left the kitchen
and all of its treats.

"So," Ron said, mouth
still full of chow,
"What in the world are we
gonna do now?"

"We could go to Dumbledore's
office in a flash
to try and find his
Christmas cracker stash!"

They went to the gargoyles
at a quick jog.
to get inside, they yelled
"Chocolate Frog!"

Up the stairs they peeked
through the door crack.
They saw Albus dressed as
Santa, carrying a large sack!

He dumped the presents out
under the tree,
where Severus sat shouting,
"Don't empty your sack on me!"

Harry, with a laugh,
tumbled through the door.
There was Snape, butt-naked,
sitting on the floor.

"Ah! Shield your eyes!"
Harry yelled to his gang.
The four ran to the hallway
as their hearts gave a pang.

Mentally scarred, they returned
to Gryffindor Tower,
where Harry kissed Draco and
Ron sat with a glower.

With the room full of silence,
except for lip smacking,
the ginger was stewing and
again began snacking.

Ron, with his mouth full and
quite deep in thought,
said, "When you aren't such a bitch,
you're kinda hot."

He leaned toward Hermione,
hoping for action,
when two other Gryffindors
caught his attraction.

It was Padma and Lavendar
in skimpy nightgowns!
They each winked at Ron
to dismiss any frowns.

"Never mind, Hermione,"
Ron said, pulling away,
"I'll just follow them
and have a three-way."

So he left as Harry
brought Draco to bed,
and Hermione felt a pat
on the head.

It appeared to be Santa!
(The REAL one this time.)
When he saw the poor girl,
he started to rhyme.

"Don't worry, my dear.
A friend will choose you someday.
And I guarantee its not
the one that's gay.

"Now buck up," Santa said.
"You can work through the pain."
Then he flew up the chimney,
leaving just a candy cane.

Hermione sat by the tree,
smiling at the light.
She decided to enjoy her
Christmas Eve night.

The End