I couldn't resist. I was talking to a friend about how Alfred was always the hero, and what kind of hero he'd be, when I thought of Westley from Princess Bride (the man is my ideal hero). Then the story and its characters started to click, and poof! This happened. I do hope you enjoy my choice of characters, and this story! I do not own the plot or the characters, rated T for Lovino's potty mouth, because I could not give him the part I did and not have him call people mean names…:D

Our story begins in the country of Florin, on a small farm located near the borders of the city. On this farm lives our heroine…*whisper whisper* hero? What do you mean hero? *whisper whisper* You mean this isn't about Buttercup and Westley? Oh, I see. I know what story you're talking about! Let's try that again…

On a small farm near the borders of Florin proper, lived a man by the name of Arthur Kirkland. He was a rather simple man, whose favorite pastimes included drinking tea, embroidery, riding his horse and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. Nothing gave Arthur more pleasure than ordering Alfred around.

"Farm boy," he would say imperiously, after coming in from a long ride, "Polish my saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning."

"As you wish," Alfred would reply, with a small half smile.

That phrase, "as you wish", was all Alfred ever said to Arthur's demands, punctuated with a trademark half-smirk.

It grated Arthur's nerves to hear that phrase, because in his mind, Alfred was looking down on the older man. (Which he had to do anyway, and Arthur didn't like to be reminded of the height difference. But we're not here to talk about Arthur's Napoleon complex, are we?)

But soon Arthur came to realize that when Alfred said, "as you wish" what he meant was, "I love you".

And even sooner he realized that he loved Alfred too.

They were happy together, but neither had enough money for marriage, so Alfred decided to take it upon himself to journey out into the world to seek his fortune.

"Don't go," Arthur begged, "I fear I'll never see you again."

"I'll always come back for you," Alfred promised.

"How can you be sure?"

"This is true love," Alfred replied with a confident smile, "Do you think this happens every day?"

So Arthur waited patiently for his lover to return home. That is, until he got the message that Alfred's ship had been attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts, who took no prisoners and left no one alive.

Arthur was crushed. He locked himself in his room and refused to take food or water.

"I will never love again," he swore, pulling is knees up to his chest…

Five years later, Florin Square was buzzing with excitement. Their prince, Prince Francis, was about to announce his royal engagement. They all knew of Prince Francis' preference of men over women, so it came as no surprise that he would be marrying a man. In fact, the people had taken it rather well, and were anxious to meet the man that had caught the eye of their prince.

Everyone in Florin was crammed into the square, waiting in anticipation. Soon, Prince Francis appeared on the high tower of the palace that overlooked all of Florin, blond hair shining in the sunlight, and the crowd began to cheer wildly. He held up a hand.

"My people! I stand before you today to announce my engagement to a man, who was once a commoner like yourselves! But perhaps you will not find him so common now. Would you like to meet him?"

The crowd roared a loud "YES!"

Francis smiled before calling, "I present to you, Prince Arthur!"

He gestured grandly to an archway from which a red carpet led into the square.

On cue, Arthur stepped out into the bright sunlight. He looked every inch a prince, from his perfect green tunic to the gold crown on his head. The people erupted into cheers and clamored to get a glimpse of him.

He looked up to Francis, green eyes dead.

By law, Prince Francis had the right to choose whomever he wanted as his bride, but Arthur did not even remotely love him. Ever since Alfred's disappearance five years ago, Arthur's emptiness had consumed him.

Despite Francis' many assurances that Arthur would one day grow to love him, Arthur's heart remained hard and cold. The only joy he got was in his daily ride, the one time he was free of Francis' constant attention.

But what happiness there was faded as soon as the palace gate shut behind him, locking him back in his cage.

Today, however, would be a little different.

Arthur rode out further than he had before, deeper into the woods that surrounded Florin.

It was here that he stumbled upon a curious threesome.

One was tall and well built, with violet eyes peeking out from beneath unruly pale hair. Another had tousled brown hair and a well crafted rapier around his waist. The third was short, with sharp eyes and an one odd curl that stuck out of his hair as if begging to be noticed. This man was the one who spoke.

"Excuse me, good sir," he said smoothly, "We are but poor circus performers who are looking for a place to stay. Is there a town nearby, that we may reach before dark?"

"There is nothing around for miles," Arthur responded.

A cunning smile spread across the man's lips.

"Then there will be no one to hear you scream."

He motioned to the tall man, who stepped forward, towards Arthur.

Arthur's eye's widened, and he open his mouth to scream for help, but the man promptly smacked him on the head with a pipe, knocking the poor boy out cold.

Lovino chuckled to himself as he tore at a scrap of fabric. That had been too easy!

"What is that you are doing?" his accomplice, Antonio, called, as he hauled Arthur's unconscious body into a small but well made boat.

"Putting a scrap from a soldier of the army of Guilder on the prince's saddle, so that when this horse reaches the palace, Prince Francis will suspect that Guilder is responsible for stealing his love."

He slapped the horse's rump and it galloped off towards Florin, and then hauled himself into the boat before shoving of from shore.

"And when he finds the prince's body dead on Guilder's shore, he'll have no choice but to declare war on Guilder!"

Ivan looked up from his place at the wheel.

"I didn't know we were going to be killing anybody," he said sadly.

Lovino shrugged.

"War is messy business my friend."

"I just don't think it's right, is all," Ivan protested.

Lovino barked out a laugh.

"Did I just hear you say 'I think'? I'm not paying you to think, you bastard, I'm paying you to help me start a war! Would you rather be back where you were, friendless, useless, unemployed, in RUSSIA?"

Antonio covered up a snicker with a cough. Lovino could be so irritable at times.

"And you!" Lovino cried, turning his fury towards the sound of the snicker, "When I found you, you were so slobbering drunk, you couldn't even buy brandy! Amateurs, both of you!"

He stalked angrily to the prow of the ship, pretending to be checking on Arthur to ensure he hadn't woken, but really trying to get as far away from the other two as possible.

Antonio walked over to Ivan, leaning in a bit and whispering,

"That Lovino, he can fuss."

Ivan thought about this for a moment."Fuss, fuss... I think he likes to scream at us."

Antonio smiled, glad that Ivan was willing to play along."He probably means no harm."

"But he's really very short on charm."

"You have a great gift for rhyme," Antonio said, patting his friend on the back.

"Yes, yes, some of the time," Ivan smiled back

"Enough of that!" Lovino snapped.

"Ivan, are there rocks ahead?" Antonio asked, blatantly ignoring Lovino.

"If there are, we'll all be dead!"

"No more rhymes now, you bastards, I mean it!" Lovino stamped his foot to punctuate his point."Anybody want a peanut?" Ivan teased.

"AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!" The Italian cried, throwing his hands into the air.

Day turned to night, and soon they sailed under an eerie full moon. By this time, Arthur had woken up, and was silently glaring at his captors, not yet strong enough to stand.

Antonio, however, was looking over his shoulder towards the back of the boat.

"Lovino," he asked slowly, "Are you sure that we're not being followed?"

"That would be inconceivable," Lovino scoffed, "No one from Guilder knows what we've done, and no one in Florin could catch up to us in time."

Antonio nodded uneasily, looking over his shoulder again.

"Out of curiosity, why do you ask?"

"Nothing," Antonio replied, "Just that there's a ship behind us and he's gaining."

"Inconceivable," Lovino hissed, running to look where Antonio was pointing.

There, in the pale moonlight, was the ghostly frame of a ship, just as Antonio had said.

"Probably just some fisherman out on a pleasure cruise…through eel infested waters…" Lovino chuckled weakly.

A loud splash made Lovino whirl around. Arthur had leapt overboard, and was swimming furiously away from the ship.

"Go after her!" the Italian screamed at Antonio.

"I can't swim," he replied flatly.

"I only dog paddle," Ivan shrugged apologetically.

"Then turn the ship!" Lovino cried, "We can't lose him!"

A high pitched keening made Arthur stop where he was and look around frantically.

"Do you hear that, highness?" Lovino called, "Those are the Shrieking Eels! If you don't believe me, just wait! They always get louder when they're about to feed on human flesh!"

Just as he said, the keening grew louder, and Arthur felt something, something big, brush against his leg.

"If you swim back now, I promise no harm will come to you! I doubt you'll get that offer from the eels!"

The keening reached an ear splitting screech as an eel raised its head from the water, mouth opened wide. It began to move swiftly towards Arthur. A rough hand yanked Arthur out of the water, just as the eel clamped its jaws shut were Arthur had once been.

Ivan plopped a sputtering and shivering Arthur down onto the wooden planks, and Lovino roughly grabbed his wrists and bound them together.

"I suppose you think you're brave, don't you, you bastard!"

"Only compared to some," Arthur growled.

Antonio threw a nervous glance over his shoulder.

"He's gaining on us!"

"Inconceivable," Lovino declared, marching over to look at the ship.

But Antonio was right. It was visibly closer. And was gaining quickly. Lovino shook his head.

"It doesn't matter. We'll be safe once we get to Guilder!"

How was it? I had fun writing it! I really tried to preserve the original dialogue, because there are so many awesome lines! Please review!