I know that I'm a big fan of these, but I hope that you continue to enjoy them. I know I haven't been writing much, but I'm trying to get back on track now that finals are over.

Reviews are sexy.

Now I know that I can't make you stay, but where's your heart?

How many months has it been, Mello? How large is this void going to grow?

I thought that maybe I could suffocate it, the void, I mean. I thought that maybe I could kill it before it could kill me. I'm still hopeful, but I can't deny that it's not looking good.

If I could get rid of that damn calendar, maybe. But, it's been stuck on February for months and I can't bring myself to flip the page.

The desk still has his papers on it. I won't even go near my own because I don't want to see his handwriting. I still haven't paid the bills from that month.

I can't sleep in the bed, I'm afraid to change the sheets. I know they still smell of him.

I know there's nothing I could say to change that part. So many bright lights to cast a shadow, but can I speak?

I walk through the house, but I'm only a shell. I feel the carpet on my feet but can never come up with a good reason to be awake.

I walk into the kitchen, but instead of eating I can only stare at the cans lining the shelves. I can't remember why I need them. I can't remember ever enjoying food.

My side of the closet is bursting at the seams, but I only wear one thing. My stripes, always my stripes. I don't recall why I was always buying buying buying. Spending money we didn't have, ignoring the fact that he was drifting further and further away.

I bought him his chocolates, I didn't understand that chocolates weren't enough.

Well, is it hard understanding I'm incomplete?

Is it weird I can't remember most of our relationship? I remember the screen of my DS, I remember my fingers pressing buttons, and my head rising occasionally to look at him and press my lips to his.

I remember the taste of chocolate, but I almost can't picture his face.

I remember blonde hair when he would whip the game from my hand, demanding attention that I never gave him.

I remembered angry blue eyes.

A life that's so demanding, I get weak.

I don't know where my DS is, I haven't played it since he left. Ironic, isn't it?

There's still a box of chocolates under our bed. It was his favorite kind, but the store had stopped carrying it, so I ordered it special. It was probably bad by now.

I don't even know if chocolate goes bad.

A love that's so demanding, I can't speak.

I never quite figured out how something so easy could spoil.

With Mello it was right, so right I felt like I didn't need to try to make it work. I was wrong, of course, so very wrong.

We would sit for hours on this couch not saying a word, to me it was a comfortable silence, to him it must have felt so strained. I don't know how I didn't see it.

Now I'm sitting here alone. It's the only thing in the house that we didn't buy together. It was here when we moved in and we just never got around to replacing it. It felt like a middle ground.

I can't help but notice that it was exactly how it was before. Silent.

The only sounds missing were the soft crunch of his teeth slowly making their way through a bar of chocolate, the crinkle of tin foil and paper as he peeled it back, the sound of my fingers clicking keys and the occasional sizzle of a lighter and a deep inhale as I lit my cigarette.

The soft sigh of disapproval that would follow. The sigh that I would ignore, every time.

The sigh I would give anything in the world to acknowledge now.

I am not afraid to keep on living, I am not afraid to walk this world alone.

As much as I regretted everything I had done to make him leave, I couldn't cry. I couldn't get past the shock, I couldn't move on to mourning.

I kept thinking I would look up and see him walking in the front door. But this time I would do more than just glance, I would look at him. It would be like it used to be, before it got comfortable. He would be wearing a bright smile as my arms opened to welcome him home and my lips showered him with kisses. He would giggle and I would smile and everything would be okay.

I couldn't contemplate that I was alone.

So utterly alone.

Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven, nothing you can say will stop me going home.

I thought about writing him once. I got out my old stationary and sat on the couch, sinking in the cushions as my mind ran through all of the things that I wanted to say to him, all of things I wanted to apologize for.

I must have sat there all night. The pen poised about the light blue paper, my eyes unfocused, my mind blank. I didn't know where to start. All I could write was 'please come home'.

It wasn't until the next day that I realized I wouldn't know where to send it anyway.

Can you see my eyes are shining bright? Cause' I'm out here on the other side of a jet black hotel mirror and I'm so weak.

There were days I couldn't move. I would sit all day and stare at the wall, trying to cry, trying to accept, but no tears would come.

I knew I couldn't go on like this. I hadn't eaten for days, I hadn't slept for more than 2 hours in the past month. I wasn't suicidal, but for some reason falling into a deep sleep and not waking seemed welcoming.

Is it hard understanding I'm incomplete?

Today was one of those days. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak, I couldn't bring myself to open my eyes.

I sat there, staring at the insides of my eyelids, trying to make sense of the turmoil that was constantly going on inside of my mind.

I thought maybe going out would help, just to get out the house, see some sunlight.

But I had nowhere to go.

No one to see. His friends were my friends, and they had all gone back to me.

I never realized that when the phone rang it was never for me, I always just took it for granted as a constant presence in the background.

He always mumbled, "I got it" I didn't put together that the person on the other side never wanted to talk to me.

A love that's so demanding I get weak.

Sometimes we would lay in bed, looking up at the ceiling, his chocolate safely tucked away in the freezer, my DS resting comfortably in it's case. It was perfectly silent, the only sound our breathing.

Something he would turn to me and just stare at the side of my face.

Sometimes I would look back, most of the time I would continue to stare at the ceiling.

After a while he would turn away and go to sleep, and I would smile. Content.

I wish I knew he just wanted my arms around him and to hear that I loved him. I just always thought he knew.

I am not afraid to keep on living, I am not afraid to walk this world alone.

I almost forgot what it was like to be alone. I was so used to having someone there I didn't realize just how lonely I had become. I wasn't scared, I was confused. I simply didn't know what to do with myself.

I wanted to start over completely. I wanted a new life and a new face, and I wanted to make this one right.

Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven, nothing you can say can stop me going home.

This was getting old, getting harder.

I was beginning to become aware of my pathetic situation.

I was beginning to feel my body wasting away.

I knew I couldn't sit here forever, so I went to our desk. I picked up a pen, his pen. I pushed his papers out of the way and sat down.

It was just a normal chair. His chair.

I pulled a piece of paper towards me, it was pink, his.

These bright lights have always blinded me.

Dear Mello,

Please let me go.

I see you lying next to me, with words I thought I'd never speak,

Images raced through my mind. When we first met, our arms wrapped around each other, our lips hungry for more kisses. Our eyes wide and trusting. Our hearts bursting with love.

Awake and unafraid. Asleep or dead?

Please, please, let me live.

Asleep or dead?

Love,

Matt.