AU.

Note: This will be Shizuo/Izaya.

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. . . t r a s h . . .

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fading flies

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With a flutter of eyelids and a small groan; mocha irises shown themselves for the barest of moments before his eyes snap shut as he's bombarded with an obnoxiously bright light. His body is leaden and heavy and he can't deny just how fucking disappointed he feels. This was all wrong - he wasn't supposed to be waking up; but he can feel someone closing in at his side and his throat is throbbing with a dull ache.

He feels like he needs to cough, or throw up – maybe both.

"Ah, looks like you're waking up."

The voice sounds contorted, and he has to concentrate deeply as he finally manages to pry his own eyes open; unfocused and blurry – he can't really make out the person standing over him, but they're blocking out some of the harsh light that's making his eyes burn. At least, until a smaller and much closer one flashes back and forth before him, and he there are fingers tugging down on his cheeks.

Fuck off, he want's to say but he can't seem to find his words.

"Shizuo, I'm doctor Kishitani; but you can just call me Shinra. I'm not really one for formalities," the foreign male voice says, and Shizuo tries to glare a little as the brightness leaves his sight, and he can finally make out the man talking.

Blinking a few times to clear his vision, he can finally process his full situation as he looks down at the white and blue blankets and sheets covering him from the waist down. In a bed that's escalated a little for him to be somewhere between laying and sitting; there's an I.V needle stuck in his arm and a small clip pinned on one finger. He can hear the beeping of the heart monitor somewhere to his left but he feels much too tired to actually turn his head and look at it.

The room is made of three regular walls, and one glass one in which sliding door is located. There are blinds drawn across the majority of it; blocking out most the view to both the inside and outside of the room, and it all makes sense now.

Shizuo is in a hospital; and unfortunately, he's fully aware of why he's here.

"Your brother went out to get something to drink, I'm sure he'll be back in no time. He said you were tossing and turning, so it was only a matter of time before you woke up," the doctor explained, and Shizuo flicked his eyes over the man. Shinra seemed much to young for such a profession and his dark hair was a little too long to be considered anything masculine. Glasses framed his light blue eyes, and there was something overly friendly and childish about the man that Shizuo couldn't find anything more than annoying.

The blond starts to open his mouth to speak, but his stomach lurches and he has to wrap an arm around his midsection at the nausea that hits him. An emesis basin is suddenly trust before him and he wastes no time in puking into it painfully. He can't stop the onset of disgust that rolls over him as he stares down at the contents – a dark red with crusted flakes. It's all old blood and there's no saying how much he swallowed.

Gagging a few more times as he pants with his head lowered, his bleached blond bangs are handing in front of his eyes and it's a bit irritating. He tilts his face a bit so he can look up at the smiling doctor whom held the basin in front of him, not looking the least bit perplexed at the reaction.

"I would ask you how you feel, but I already know the answer to that," Shinra says and he uses his free hand to adjusts his glasses for a moment. When he's certain his patient isn't going to vomit anymore, and pulls the basin back with steady hands before walking over to the sink on the opposite end of the room. "And besides, I know you don't particularly care for your health, anyway. If you did, you wouldn't be here."

Shizuo tries to growl but his throat rejects the action and he winches as the throbbing increases. "W-...wu...wha-t...?" He finally manages to croak out and he has to lift a hand to touch the thick bandages wrapped around his neck; has to confirm.

The dark haired doctor watches his his movements and attempts at speaking for a moment before he chooses the intervene. "Ne, it's going to take a little while before you can speak properly. You didn't hit your vocal cords, but you did damage your neck pretty badly. However... you've been improving at a very impressive rate, so it's safe to say that it'll be healed up by the end of the month, and you'll have yourself some pretty nasty scarring."

Shit.

Lowering his head back against his pillows, Shizuo stares blanking at the ceiling while he tries put his thoughts together; tries not to throw up again on impulse because he mouth tastes like blood and stomach acid. He doesn't feel like saying anything; doesn't want to associate with this doctor anymore. He ashamed for some reason, even through he tells himself that it was his choice in the first place.

"Do you remember what happened?" Shinra asks, and the blond caves with a small, barely noticeable nod. "Hm. Do you regret it at all?"

Shizuo shakes his head this time because, no. He really doesn't regret his decision.

The door to the room slides open, and the blond gives a visibly defeated sounding sigh as he sees his younger brother enter; a bottle of green tea in his hands. Kasuka looks from the patient to the doctor before he slowly and quietly walks to the bedside, sitting on the edge of it while he stares down at the I.V poking into his brothers arm.

"Okay," Shinra starts with another kind smile; he get's it. "I'll be back in just a bit to to talk you about a few things, but right now I'd like to give you two some time alone, okay?" He says as he makes to exit the room without any form of confirmation from either parties. He slides the glass door shut behind him on the way out and within moments he disappears from sight.

The two of them say nothing as they're left alone, but Kasuka lifts his gaze so he can meet the blonds head on. Shizuo's skin prickles and bit and he cannot suppress the deep ache that settles in his chest like a thick chuck of lead; pressing down with more and more weight at each passing moment.

He can't fucking take this.

"Nii-san..." Kasuka murmurs, and his voice is just as soft and flat as it always is; his face and tone never once betraying any sort of emotion. "You tried to kill yourself. You slit your throat."

Shizuo averts his eyes down to some spot on the bed, but he never-the-less still chokes out a small "yes". His voice feels like it's in shreds, like he swallowed broken glass; all rough and sharp and painful.

The younger reaches out, taking hold of the blond's hand in a sort of mirroring attempt at comfort. The action seemed almost mechanical; like he was on auto-pilot, but Shizuo knew his little brother was trying very, very hard to show how upset he was. Even if he might not be.

The blond uses his other hand to touch and prod at the bandaging around his neck, and he wonders why it doesn't hurt that much. Sure, he's always been resistant against pain; but it felt more like a dull throb that only honestly hurts when he tries to speak.

"I found you." Kasuka admits, and Shizuo has to guiltily close he eyes; he was afraid of that. "You had your bedroom door locked, and I climbed in through the window. There's blood all over your room, now... mom and dad are getting everything cleaned."

"Wh-ere...?" Shizuo rasps out as he looks to his younger sibling in curiosity. He tries not to think about the idea of Kasuka finding him in a pool of his own blood; tries not to think about just how much he's fucked his little brother up.

"Work," he answers honestly, and as always, the brunet knows exactly what the blond is saying, even if he doesn't finish a complete sentence. "I told them I'd stay here with you and keep them updated on how you were doing."

Shizuo isn't surprised.

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when we're gone

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Later, when the sun is starting to set and the dark golden streams filter through the window near his bed, Shizuo sends Kasuka home. Apparently his younger sibling had been with him for the past two days – never once leaving while Shizuo had been unconscious. He told his brother to go home; that he'd be fine, and he could come visit him again tomorrow - after Kasuka's had a good shower, change of clothes, and a night's sleep.

He didn't want the brunet to suffer on his behalf – even if he knew that wasn't the case.

Shinra came back in eventually, and Shizuo couldn't help but wonder just how long this guys work-day was; he still seemed energetic and bubbly – not at all exhausted or upset over his patients. He wondered how many people the doctor watched die today; if any at all.

"This is what's going to happen," he starts from where he sits in the chair near Shizuo's bedside. "You're going to remain in here until about the end of the week; though, you may leave sooner if you continue to improve at this rate. But, we're not going to discharge you from the hospital. You're going to be transferred to my wing in the psychiatry ward, where I can keep you on suicide watch. You'll be there for however long you need to be, Shizuo."

The brunet doctor seems so serious even if his voice sounds light, and Shizuo knows he has no way to get out of this. It was going to happen whether he wanted to or not, and he'd just have to make due with his arrangements.

"I don't want to let you go home so you can do this all over again, that would be reckless and irresponsible on my part, ne? And, for the time I'm going put you on some Benzodiaphine's. My first choice is called Alprazolam; you'll know it as Xanax," the doctor explained and Shizuo closed his eyes irritably; he didn't want to get drugged up like a psycho-zombie. "Your family explained your rage issues, and I thought medication would be the best route in this sort of situation. I don't want you to hulk out and harm any of my staff, after all." It was said like a simple joke, but the blond knew it to be truth.

He was aggressive, and he did have a severe anger problem. There was no saying whether or not he might – would – loose it and lash out on everyone and everything around him. The only person he really wanted to hurt was himself; no matter how pathetic it may sound.

"Shizuo?" Shinra questions, and the blond blinks his eyes open and tilts his gaze to him. "...I know you don't want to hear this, but there are many people out there who care about you. They don't want you to die, and... you're only twenty-one. There's still got a lot to live for."

No, he thinks in return.

There isn't.

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we'll sleep

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Some dingy nightclub where the music is much too loud and the lights are flashing and multicolored; this is where Shizuo looses his virginity to a girl named Vorona.

She's got shoulder-length blond hair that looks a bit dried out from the excessive use of hairspray, and the zip-up skin tight black shirt she's wearing it's pulled down far enough to nearly reach her belly-button. She's got on a jean miniskirt with some knee-high dark black stiletto boots; one of her legs bent so a the heel of her boot is pressed against the thrumming wall she's leaning against.

Standing alone under the dim lighting of the back end of the club, smoke curls from her lips and she looks so dark and mysterious despite her pale skin, hair and eyes. Shizuo can't tear his eyes away from the long spans of her legs, up and up until they meet the short skirt that leaves little to the imagination.

He'd just graduated from high school and this was the celebratory party night that his friends had dragged him into. Kadota promised that he'd be the designated driver for all of them; keeping an eye on all of them. Last Shizuo had seen; Togusa and Kadota were sitting off at some table while Erika and Walker went wild on the crowded dance floor.

He had been on his way to the bathroom; head spinning and his skin flushed from the alcohol he'd induced, and he really needs to cool down – to take a quick little break. Then, there she is in all of her twisted glory; standing near the men's bathroom with an eyebrow quirked in his direction. She scan's her light blue eyes over his form with an odd little smirk and Shizuo can feel his heart beating faster from the mere look alone. They stare at each other for a few long moments, and he can't seem to form any proper words; but she fixes that for him.

"You alone?" She questions him while she pulls the smoldering cigarette from her lips; painted with a dark crimson that stains the orange tip of the filter.

"Maybe," Shizuo replies and his voice is just loud enough to be heard in the pounding music that makes his chest vibrate. He takes a few steps closer and decides that he can play this little game.

She grins at him, taking one last drag on her cigarette and the burning tip brightens in the darkness of the back hall, before she crunches it out on the wall she's leaning against. She lifts her hand; touching idly at his natural chestnut colored hair, and Shizuo glances briefly at the couple of rings on her fingers and the bangles on her wrists.

Her smile widens a little at the way he doesn't pull away from the innocent touch, and she steps closer to him and he can smell her; the mixture of cigarette smoke and perfume. With the added height of her boots, she's only a couple of inches shorter than him and her eyes are bright in the dim lighting; pale blue and alluring. She trails her fingers down from his hair to his chest, gaze sharpening for a moment as if she's waiting for him to push her away; still, there's no rejection.

Shizuo feels his own mouth draw into a lazy smirk and he brings his hands up to rest on the small of her back. He can feel the smoothness of her skin from the way her shirt is riding up, and he only pressed his fingers up under the material, reveling in the way she grips his bicep with her other hand. He drifts up higher on her back, fully under her shirt now and it registers that she's not wearing a bra.

She leans up a little bit until their faces are close, and he can practically taste the cigarette she was smoking. Her breath ghosts across his lips as she speaks; all hot and husky and he can feel his body reacting instantly to the toxicity of their closeness.

"You wanna have some fun?"

He has to think her words over a few times before he finally processes it in his slightly drunken state. Shizuo curves his head down near her neck and she's breathing a little harder now; much like himself. "Absolutely," he growls against her throat while she tips her head back a little from the ministrations and he feels her exhale against him; harsh and warm.

It's not until she drops her hand from his chest; reaching down to grip tightly at his groin and he can feel himself hardening at the action – at the boldness. He growls lowly against her hair. The transition process into the single bathroom is nearly lost to both of them, but once inside he bolts the door shut before he leans down for just a moment; taking hold of the back of her knees as he hoists her up. She wraps her legs around his waist instinctively and bites at his neck while he fumbles with his belt and zipper. She's not wearing any underwear.

Barely ten minutes later, when Shizuo is slumped against back against the wall as his body thrums on the vibrations moving through the building from the music outside; she is leaning forward on the sink as she fixes her makeup in the flickering, dim light. He watches her re-apply her lip gloss and smooth her hair out, so it's less messy looking.

"So, what's your name?" He questions as he finally maneuvers his hands to button up his jeans, and clasp his belt shut. His body is tingling from relaxation and he can't remember the last time he's felt so completely at ease. It was like nothing could make him mad – nothing could piss him off right now.

The girl grins at him through the mirror; light blue eyes shining mischievously though the dim lighting of the bathroom, and she turns around to face him, leaning back against the cheap marble sink.

Shizuo braces himself against the wall, pushing himself up to stand, and she immediately sticks her hand out in front of him. He looks up to her curiously, and she's just smiling back at him kindly, keeping her hand out as an invitation. Reaching out to take hold, he couldn't put it past just how bizarre it was to be shaking hands with the girl he just fucked in a public bathroom.

"My name is Vorona." She says by way of introduction, giving their handshake a brief pump before letting go.

Shizuo likes how direct she is.

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with satellites

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He doesn't even know how it all happened.

One moment he's lying in his hospital bed; head swimming with static from the medication they're dosing him with, while his nerves and body radiated anger and aggression. He's been in this room for nearly a week, and he's going to be transferred to the fucking crazy ward sometime tonight. Shizuo couldn't calm himself of how pissed off he is.

But there he was – lying still while he silently seethed to himself. The next thing he knows, however; his sitting on top of the male nurse who came in to give him a fresh I.V, while he pounds the stupid fucker's face in. He vaguely hears the sick crunch of a broken nose while the guy yells out for help; according to his name tag, the nurses name is 'Seiji'.

Vile curse words and insults filter through his brain past the constant chant of 'kill kill kill', and his captive is bleeding all over his cheap scrubs. The glass door to the room is jerked open, and Shizuo feels himself being forcefully drug off of the other man; there are three staff residents pulling him back. A slight prickling feeling irritates the skin on his lower back, and he knows immediately that they've just stuck him with a needle.

Shizuo blindly strikes out; swinging his elbow back behind him so it slams into the face of one of the guards trying to restrain him. Somewhere before him, Seiji is scattering away; blood gushing from his nose and slicking down his shirt and pattering across the floor.

He turns himself a little too quickly; his world spinning as the dizziness evades his senses. Things seem to slow down, and he wants to scream and yell at the fuckers who dare try and take him down like some wild animal. Their faces are beginning to blur, and his throat still won't let him yell out any proper insults and words to bombard the men with.

He's on his knee's now; he tries to stand but his legs are starting to feel like jelly. The three guards are all surrounding him; standing strong and defensively as though they're waiting for him to attack yet again. Shizuo takes them up on their challenge, ready to start another round but he feels too detached and unfocused to make any sort of move. His vision is going in and out, and all he can really think is shit.

Shizuo slumps to the tiled floor; blacking out once the sedatives have fully set in his system.

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TBC

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