KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

"Bernard! Open the door! Bernard! Bernie! Beornheard!"

"GO….wait. What was that last one?"

"Beornheard. It is the Old English cognate which replaced the original Germanic spelling of Bernhard, the original spelling of your name. It means hardy bear, by the way. "

. . .

KNOCK KNOCK THUMP

. . .

. . .um . . . Bernard? Could you let me in? It's cold and I'm only wearing one shoe."

"Why, may I ask, are you only wearing one shoe. In the snow. At the NORTH POLE?"

"Because I threw the other one at your door. Come on B, your awake now and it's cold! I brought you your Christmas present . . . "

"Fine. "

STOMP STOMP STOMP. RATTLE. SQUEAK. WHOOSH.

"What is it?"

"Here, open it!"

"No, seriously, what is this? This couldn't possibly be wrapping paper. It has two different patterns on it."

"Oh, yeah, I ran out of one kind of wrapping paper half-way through. But, hey! It's red AND green!"

"….and blue. I take it you wrapped this one before our lesson yesterday."

"No. I wrapped it after. You didn't think I was going to give you the opportunity to see it before Christmas Day."

"And you couldn't figure out that I can't stand poorly wrapped gifts. Even after all of that?"

"Oh, no, I knew that. I just didn't care. So . . . did you get me anything?"

"Yeah it's in the bedroom . . ."

"Woah, hey! I like you, Bernard, but you've got to at least buy me dinner first."

"WH-WHAT! No, I didn't mean! I just! I MEANT that I left the gift back there and that I'll go get it!"

"Great! 'Cause I was really not looking forward to being subjected to your attempts at being sexy. Somehow, I don't think you could pull it off—it's probably because of your cute little sparkly cheeks!"

"OW! Hey, knock it off! Why do people think that it's O.K to pinch another person's cheeks, anyway?"

"Again, I know it's not. I just didn't care. Now, open your present!"

RIIIIIIPPPPP

. . .

. . .

. . .

"It's. It's BEAUTIFUL!"

"I know! It took me all night to do, too. So don't ever open it. Trust me, there isn't anything inside, anyway."

"I KNEW you were paying attention!"

"Yeah, well, enjoy it. Put it on a shelf or something."

"Oh, no, this is going in my office! I've never seen such a perfectly wrapped present! But, um, next year how about we try to work on bows?"