Catching Santa

"Put this on."

Vanille stared at the outfit in Lightning's hand. Her eyes narrowed. "No."

"I don't think you understand. You're going to put this on. Right now." Lightning's voice brooked no disobedience whatsoever, and she put herself squarely between the redhead and the door. The only avenue for escape left was the window, and they both knew that Vanille would never get out of it before Lightning dragged her back in. The solider had everything planned out in a neat, evil, little package.

With escape completely impossible, Vanille went for the next best thing: a mix of whining and flattery. "But why? You've been Santa before. You'd be way better at it than me. I mean you're awesome at everything. It would ruin the girls' Christmas to have someone like me play Santa. They'd see right through me."

The expression on Lightning's face promised horrible, horrible death if Vanille didn't give in to her demands immediately. "Vanille, Claire and Averia both already understand that Santa isn't real. Diana is the only one who still really believes in him, and she's getting suspicious that Santa is really either me or Fang. She is not going to suspect you, which is why you're going to put on this outfit and practice climbing in through the chimney so that when midnight comes, you can do the whole Santa thing and Diana can be happy. Understood?"

"Fine." Vanille reached for the outfit and then tried to dart around Lightning. She got about half a step before the soldier caught her. "Damn it! Damn you and your ninja powers!"

"Just put on the costume, Vanille." Lightning sighed. "Most of the others have run out of steam. They've been over here partying all day, so they're probably going to sleep until right before Christmas."

"And what about you? What exactly will you be doing while I'm practicing being Santa up on the roof in the freezing cold where I will probably be attacked by ravenous wolves?" Vanille scowled. "Or maybe I should ask whom you will be doing?"

It was a pointless question. They both knew that Lightning had no intention of napping until midnight. Instead, she'd be giving Fang one of her Christmas presents a little early.

"There are no wolves on our roof, Vanille, so just put it on."

X X X

Hope was awakened by the sounds of muffled footsteps as someone crept past the couch he was sleeping on, tiptoed around Chirpy, and then snuck past Sazh. He glanced at his watch. There was another hour or so until it was officially Christmas, and there was only one child he knew who would be creeping around at a time like this.

And sure enough, once his eyes had truly adjusted to the gloom in the living room, he saw Diana. The little girl was cackling quietly to herself as she dragged an assortment of blankets, ropes, and other objects toward the fireplace. Hope frowned. What was she doing?

Not far away, Chirpy had also awakened. The bird continued to feign sleep until Diana was safely occupied with whatever she was doing, then he lifted his head and met Hope's gaze. The pair took a moment to consider their options. Whatever Diana was doing was bound to be troublesome – it was Diana, after all. Then again it was also likely to be very funny, and they were both too tired to put that much effort into stopping her. They'd spent the whole day over at the Yun-Farron house celebrating, and they were both under the weather.

Hope may have had a few too many of those little pies that Serah had made, and he knew Chirpy had ingested more diet cola than was wise for a chocobo. In any case, both of them were content to watch Diana while pretending to be asleep. If she tried to do anything too crazy, they could always step in.

X X X

Diana had a devious plan, which wasn't all that remarkable since she was a fairly devious child. In fact, her class had recently voted her the equal most devious child in the class, along with Rikku and Yuffie. Indeed, that was probably one of the reasons that she and her Aunt Vanille got along so well. They were both very devious. Sure, both of Diana's parents were smart – and liked to think that she was too – but they weren't devious the way her aunt was.

True, her aunt was still too devious for her – none of her attempts to overthrow her had succeeded yet – but Diana had plenty of time to try again. She was still only a kid, and her aunt would let her guard down eventually.

Most of the time, Diana's devious plans were about getting candy or securing control of the television remote. But this time, her plan was even more devious than that. It was, she thought, the most devious plan in the entire history of forever. If it worked, kids would be telling stories about her for years and years. Her name would become an adjective in its own right. Kids wouldn't be referred to as being devious anymore. They would be referred to as being Diana-like.

She cackled evilly. This was going to be so awesome.

So, what was this plan, this example of pure, unrivalled deviousness?

Well, it was very simple.

Diana was going to catch Santa Clause.

X X X

"Why am I doing this?" Vanille asked the cold, wintry night as she staggered through the snow and then climbed up onto the roof of the Yun-Farron house so that she could peer down the chimney. A little squirrel watched her from the edge of the roof, keeping a safe distance from the ranting redhead. "Oh, that's right, because my older sister who should be protecting me from this kind of thing is totally whipped and my sister-in-law is a raging psycho who will absolutely mangle me if I refuse." She huffed. "You'd think Serah would be around to save her best friend, but, no, she's probably next door spending time with her husband until midnight. But I bet she'll be sorry if I get attacked by wolves up here and get eaten. Honestly, it's not like Lightning couldn't do this. Diana would never know, and she's done it before. She's great at it." Vanille scowled and shook one fist at the moon. "But I'll get them back – I'll get all of them back!"

And then she began to cackle.

The squirrel that had been watching took a slow step back and then scurried away. It had learned the hard way that any cackling in/around the Yun-Farron house meant trouble and not only for those inside it but also for anything within a ten-mile radius. The best it could do was to shelter in the trees and hope for the best. Hopefully, there wouldn't be any explosions or metal dragons this time.

After taking a few seconds to make sure that her sack full of presents was secure, Vanille jumped down the chimney. It was time for her first practice run.

And that was when everything started to go horribly, horribly wrong because, really, it was Christmas and the world was out to get her. The only thing missing now was the pack of ravenous, bloodthirsty wolves.

First there was a snare right in front of where the chimney opened into the living room. But Vanille had grown up around such tricks – Fang had practiced a lot of her early trap making on her – so she sidestepped it neatly, only to trigger a tripwire that shot a net at her. A net? Where had that even come from? She ducked under the net, which only set off a deluge of other traps, including, but not limited to, ropes, more nets, several blankets, and one muddy shoe. Somehow, Vanille survived the barrage and came face-to-face with the culprit: a very familiar little girl who was doing her best to blend in with the couch.

"Um… hi, Santa." Diana winced and tried to back off, but the couch was in the way. "Uh…"

"Were you trying to catch me, little girl?" Vanille boomed, glad for the first time that she'd dressed up as Santa. This was the perfect opportunity to set up some revenge. "Well?"

"Uh… maybe?" Diana winced.

"That's not something a good girl would do." Vanille put her hands on her hips. "And here I was with a wonderful present for you, but what do I get? You try to tie me up with ropes, and you shoot nets and stuff at me. You even threw a shoe!" Diana fidgeted guiltily and tried to nudge the shoe behind the couch. "Maybe you don't deserve a present at all!"

The girl's eyes widened with horror. "But… but…"

Vanille stroked her fake beard and giggled evilly. Her trip down the chimney had only been a trial run. The girls were supposed to be asleep for another hour or so, so she had a good idea of what their parents were up to. It was time to make Lightning and Fang pay for making her dress up as Santa. Yes, they would pay.

"I know," Vanille said. "Since you've been such a good girl for most of this year, I'll let you make it up to me. Get your sister and go to your parents' room. Bang on their door as loudly as you can and tell them that Santa is here and they have to come right away. Don't stop until they come out of their room, no matter what." She smirked. "You wouldn't want them to miss out on their presents, would you?"

"No." Diana gave Vanille a quick salute. "Don't worry, Santa. I'll do it!"

"I'm not worrying." Vanille cackled. "Ha ha ha ha!"

Diana paused and frowned. "That's not the noise you're supposed to make."

Vanille coughed. Right. She needed to stay in character. "Oh, there was just something stuck in my throat. Now, go, get your sister and knock on your parents' door. Ho ho ho ho!"

As Diana ran out of the room, both Chirpy and Hope got up and looked at her.

"You are evil." Hope shook his head. "I mean you are completely evil."

"Yes. Yes, I am."

"Kweh."

Fifteen minutes later, Vanille was happily giving out presents as Lightning and Fang tried to kill her with their eyes. Oh, they were so adorable when they were all sexually frustrated and growly. They should have known better than to mess with Vanille the Vengeful. She smiled back and waved. Oh, if looks could kill. But they couldn't lay a finger on her, not with the kids around. After all, what kind of parents would beat up, Santa? And Serah was there too, along with Claire and Snow.

"And these are for you two wonderful people." Vanille handed Lightning and Fang their presents. "And have some Christmas cheer too. There's nothing quite like spending Christmas with the family, is there?"

Lightning's eye twitched. The raw menace rolling off her was almost enough to distort the fabric of space and time, but the kids seemed mostly oblivious to it, most likely due to repeated exposure "No. No, there isn't." She paused. "Girls, why don't you take your Aunt Serah to the kitchen and get Santa some milk and cookies."

As the three girls dutifully headed into the kitchen with Serah, Vanille tried to back away. Then she tried to use Chirpy as a chocobo shield. "Wait… Lightning… wait – argh!"

X X X

"Aunt Serah," Diana asked as screaming began to come from the living room. "Will we still get presents it mom kills Santa?"

Serah winced and shared a look with Averia and Claire. The two older girls shrugged. "Well, I don't think it's that easy to kill Santa." More screaming came from the living room along with an outraged 'kweh'. "Maybe."

X X X

Author's Notes

As always, I neither own Final Fantasy, nor am I making any money off of this.

In the previous chapters, Lightning and Fang had their turns being Santa, so it was only fair that I let Vanille have a turn too. Naturally, anything involving Vanille is going to end up a little bit crazy. Throw in a child determined to catch Santa and you've got a recipe for trouble. It'll be a shame when Diana finally grows out of her belief in Santa Clause, but don't worry. After all, there are the other kids (Ice, Alyssa, Raine, etc.) to think about. They'll arrive on the scene just in time to pick up where Diana left off.

And finally, a very Merry Christmas to all of you guys. It's been a pretty good year (except for the whole knee surgery and months of physiotherapy thing…), and I hope all of you get a chance to take it easy and enjoy Christmas with friends, family, and loved ones. Take care and have fun.

I also write original fiction, mostly fantasy. You can find links to it in my profile. If you're looking for something fun to read, try Two Necromancers, a Bureaucrat, and an Elf, or, if you want something more serious, try The Last Huntress.

As always, I appreciate feedback. Reviews and comments are welcome.