Author: RedDwarfette

Email: [email protected]

Rating: R - Just to be on the safe side.

Summary: Buffy's preggers and whose to blame? A certain Blonde Vampire with a little help from a Cabbage Patch Gnome. Season 6. If this sucks, at least I know there's enough Vampire in it :)

Disclaimer: The characters within this fanfiction are completely the property of Joss Whedon and UPN. I claim the situation they find themselves in & the idea of the Cabbage Patch Gnome J

Authors Note: Mmmm, not sure if this is the end, feedback would be great J

The Cabbage Patch Kid - RedDwarfette

Chapter 7 – A Bakers Dozen

1/8/2002

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The door of the shop slammed open to admit a flustered slayer, a vampire and one former key now a teenage girl. Xander, Willow, Anya, and Tara sat at the table but looked towards them when the bell jingled.

"Ah, you're here," said Xander munching on a doughnut, "We were just going to call and round you up. Got a 'visitor' out back. What took you so long?"

"Oh, I had to find Buffy and Spike first, Xander," Dawn gasped before turning to her sister, "They called me at Sarah's and told me to find you two. With everything that happened earlier I forgot to tell you."

"Huh?" Buffy said out of breath from the run and confused. "Wait, first I have something to tell you guys. But I don't know how you'll take it," she paused and wait for their undivided attention.

"Dawn, get the camera ready," Buffy whispered to her devious sister.

"Way ahead of you," Dawn said. She'd already worked out the best position and angle for maximum effect and was just waiting for the words that would signal the beginning of her photo shoot.

Buffy turned to face Spike who was standing by her side wrapping her arms around his waist and giving him a wink. "Let's freak them out, just like last time," she whispered.

Catching on quick Spike gave her an earnest look before speaking, "Pet, they'll have to hear it sometime."

"Hear what?" Xander said, a little nervous at the creepy lovey dovey vibe the vampire and slayer were giving off.

Still embracing they turned their heads to face everyone and Buffy said excitedly, "Spike and I are getting married."

Silence reigned for a whole minute before Xander started choking on his doughnut and Tara started slapping his back.

"Hey, I remember this," cried Anya, "It's a spell Willow screwed up, but where are the demons that are after you, Xander?" she asked her fiancée who had managed to contain his coughing fit but was still red in the face.

"What?" Willow stood up and yelled at the former vengeance demon, "I do not screw up spells. Ok," she said as the group all glared at her, "Maybe once or twice, only minor ones though, I think I'll be quite now and sit in the corner here. Ah, good chair, nice chair, you won't judge me will you?" she babbled sinking back into her chair.

Dawn stood behind Buffy and Spike watching them nuzzle and smooch each other like they were the only two in the room. With the camera still gripped in her hand she raised it up and took a photo of them. Well, Dawn mused, I have four rolls of film and I want as much of this as I can get. The picture she'd just taken of a choking Xander was going to be a classic.

"Dawnie, what are you doing?" Tara asked in a soft voice.

"Oh, Buffy and Spike wanted me to preserve every happy moment for their engagement album," Dawn said in a reasonable tone. "But think that ones going on the mantelpiece."

"We have to stop them!" Xander said shielding his eyes from the engrossed pair. Yikes, he thought, another nightmare moment brought to you from Buffy and Spike macking incorporated.

"He's right," Anya seconded, "Quick, before Spike can give Buffy that god awful ring again. I know a great jewelry store down the road who have some very tasteful designs, nothing like that atrocity he gave her last time."

Buffy pulled away from Spike before glaring at Anya, "I liked that ring. It was sentimental, it was personal, it was…"

"Repulsive," Buffy nodded, at Willows remark.

Seeing Spike's frown she said, "Sorry honey, but you know it's true."

Two figures entered the shop from the back and moved towards the group.

"Hello Buffy," said a voice from the shadows. Dawn and Spike stared at the person in front of them in silence and not a small amount of hostility.

"Angel!" Buffy shrieked, "What are you doing here?"

"Cordelia had a vision. It said something important was going to happen here tonight," Angel said with a serious expression. "It was going to involve you and," he gave Spike a sidelong glance, "Spike and there was something about a Cabbage patch, wasn't there, Cordelia?" he asked the stylish woman.

Cordelia nodded in a perplexed manner.

Dawn looked at Spike trying to hold back the biggest smirk of his life before bursting into hysterical giggles. Everyone turned to watch her with questioning looks until Buffy elbowed her sister in the side. "Ahem, sorry guys," Dawn said trying to keep a straight face.

"What is going on here?" Angel said giving Buffy and Spike an intense look and receiving silence.

"Oh, Spike and Buffy are engaged again," Anya blurted out, "Though it's inconsiderate announcing it now, don't you think they should have waited till Xander and I were married first?" she looked around for an ally.

"What?" Angel bellowed while Cordelia studied the blonde couple with a bored look. "What do you mean they're getting married?" he said striding forward till he was directly in front of them.

"Who cares?" Cordelia said with just a hint of sarcasm, "Marry, date or stake them, just take them out, that's Buffy's credo."

"Am I the only sane person here?" Xander said looking at them all. "We have to do something to get rid of this spell. Buffy," he turned and faced her with a pleading expression, "Tell me this isn't really happening."

Buffy had remained silent watching the action unfold but now was the time to let everyone off the hook, "It isn't really happening. Spike and I are not getting married." She heard the relieved sighs and saw them all relax before continuing, "We're actually…"

"Hey," Xander interrupted paying attention to their attire for once and examining them, "Tell bleach boy to put a shirt on. I could go blind here." Anya patted him on the back as he laughed at his own joke.

"Um, Buffy?" Willow said looking at her best friend, "Why are you wearing a mans shirt? If it is a spell relapse I don't see why that would have happened."

Meanwhile Anya's shrewd eyes noticed the shirt Buffy was wearing and the fact that Spike was shirtless under his duster. Hmm, she thought as her eyes began to move faster back and forward between them like she was watching a ping pong match. Buffy is wearing Spike's shirt. Spike is not wearing his shirt. "These two are doing it!" Anya screamed out making the connection and pointing at them.

"Don't be a fool, Buffy would never..." Willow's voice trailed off at Buffy's expression and Spike's sheepish grin.

The Scoobies former and present were shocked into silence, only the sound of the clicking camera as Dawn took another photo broke the impasse. Tara smiled at Buffy with encouragement relieved she didn't have to keep it a secret any longer.

"Look I…" Buffy began before Angel frowned and spoke.

"What is it when it feels like your head is going to explode, your heart seizes up and your vision goes red?" Angel paused before asked them, "Is this a heart attack?"

Buffy and Cordelia rushed forward and each grasping one of Angel's arms led him to a nearby chair.

"Oh, get over yourself," Spike mumbled, "Melodramatic poofter."

"Buffy, I think you'd better explain the situation," Dawn said while angling the camera for another shot of Angel's sickly looking face.

Buffy straightened up with a sigh and moved back towards the stairs, in case she needed a quick getaway. "Um, the truth is… I have a bun in the oven and it's Spike's. Well, multiple buns really, I could almost make a baker's dozen, only a bakers dozen isn't twelve it's thirteen, so why call it a dozen? It makes no sense." She fell silent and waited for their reactions.

"Huh?" Willow said, "What are you talking about?"

"No, I get it," Xander looked at them and nodded, "Buffy's making pastry products for Spike, and pondering the 'Baker's Dozen' enigma."

"Buffy, I can't believe you've been with Spike. I mean, he's evil and soulless and… he has no leather pants!" Angel sat aghast, shaking his head in shock.

"What does that have to do with it?" Tara asked with a perplexed frown.

"I just found out the love of my life has been with an evil vampire fiend who has repeatedly tried to kill us all, and you want me to make sense?" Angel replied in a loud voice.

"Aren't you a Vampire too?" said Tara starting to get annoyed at Angel's tone.

"Yes, but that's different." Angel yelled at Tara.

"Why?" Tara asked with a pointed look.

"Because… because I have a soul!" Angel screamed as a throbbing vein appeared on his forehead.

"Is that all?" Tara said in a bored voice.

"Well, about the soul…" Buffy began, before Spike put a hand on her shoulder.

"Nah, pet, I want to tell him that," he said with an evil grin.

"Angel, calm down and remember Connor," Cordelia interrupted patting Angel's shoulder, before turning her attention to Willow and Xander's conversation.

"Who's Connor?" Tara turned to question Angel. He opened his mouth to reply before being interrupted.

"I know!" Anya yelled waving her arm, "It's the guy out of Highlander! Xander made me watch it over and over. You know, 'there can be only one'?"

"Hey, he stole my motto!" Buffy said with a frown.

"But with two slayers, it doesn't really apply anymore," Tara said to Buffy, before she nodded in agreement.

"I think Buffy meant she's going on a diet, she certainly needs one. You know, once on the lips forever on the hips? It should be criminal not be on a calorie controlled diet." Cordelia continued in the background.

"But why bun's? I mean, Spike doesn't need to diet and I can't see bread and blood making a good combo," Willow shuddered.

"Unless she was making blood buns for him, and that would be just plain gross," Xander nodded with a grimace.

"Oh for love of… I got her up the duff!" Spike yelled over the Scoobies. "Up the spout!" he said when they turned and stared at him.

"What's wrong with you? Seriously, can't you speak English?" Cordelia asked him, before Spike threw his hands up in defeat.

"Argh! She is pregnant, by me, and we are having more than one child thanks to an overkill of Cabbage Patch Gnome dust! In short, the Slayer is going to have a litter of children by a Vampire. Is that English enough for you?" Spike ground out.

"Guy's, look up," Dawn said from the second level of the shop where she had moved while they were talking. When they all raised their shocked faces, she smirked, "Now, can we all say, 'Buffy got knocked up by the big bad?' on the count of three. One… two… three."

Click.