Ed opened the door to Roy's office and slowly tromped in.

"You wanted to see me sir?" He asked. His eyes were dull and his shoulders hunched over.

Roy looked up from his paper work and gave Edward a faint smile.

"Yes, you can sit down if you want. This shouldn't take too long."

Ed flopped down on the seat in Roy's office and stared glumly at a hole in the wall.

"I heard that the lead you were researching resulted in another dead end." Roy said as he straightened his stack of papers.

"Yeah," Ed grumbled. "You gonna rub it in my face?"

"I just wanted to make sure you were okay." Roy said. "You've seemed rather depressed as of late."

"Mmm…" was Ed's only response.

Roy looked at his moping subordinate and gave an exasperated sigh. "You know you can always come and talk to me, you're like a son to me, and I-"

"Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa!" Ed interrupted. He spun around to face Roy.

"I'm like you're what now?"

"You're like a son to me?" Roy repeated cautiously.

Edward stared at Roy blankly. "You called me into your office to say that?" He asked incredulously.

Roy looked taken a back. "What? You don't believe me?"

"There is no logic behind that statement whatsoever." Edward said bluntly.

"What do you mean there's no logic! Of course there's logic."

"Really? Like what?"

"Well…um…you remind me a lot of myself when I was you're age," said Roy.

"No I don't," Edward said. "I'm nothing like you at all. You're a womanizing pretty boy with a god complex, how am I anything like you?"

"Uh…-" Roy tried to think of suitable response but realized there really wasn't anything that linked their two personalities together. Edward was still going on.

"And you're twenty nine! That would've made you thirteen when I was born, you're not old enough to be a father figure to me."

"Ok then…" Roy looked irritated now. "I'm your older brother or something."

"I'm already the eldest brother in my family, and you're a single child. You don't know the first thing about siblings." Ed pointed out.

"How about we just say I'm a role model." Roy said.

"What sort of role model is that?" Ed laughed. "Join the military, become a pyromaniac, and then try to degrade woman through a miniskirt requirement?"

"I was just trying to let you know I am there to help you!" Roy yelled.

"What's going on in here?" Havoc asked as he opened the door.

"The Colonels trying to convince me he's a father figure." Ed snickered.

"What?" Furey said as he peaked in from behind Havoc. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. The Colonels way to irresponsible to take care of kids."

"Yeah Colonel," Breda added. "The day you become a father figure is the day Armstrong becomes self conscious."

"Hey who asked you?" Roy demanded, his face turning red.

"With all due respect sir," Riza called from her desk. "A father figure is something you are not, and it is silly to try to reason otherwise."

Roy gritted his teeth, trying to overbear his humiliation.

"Look!" He yelled. "There are plenty of qualities I have that could count as maternal."

"The word you're looking for is, 'paternal', sir." Riza interrupted.

Roy went red. "Yeah…That. I have plenty of paternal qualities."

A wave of snickers swept the room.

"Stop laughing right now!" Roy demanded.

Just then Alphonse Elric walked in. "Hello everyone, is everything okay? I heard shouting."

Roy looked up at Alphonse in desperation. Surely the sweet, kind hearted, boy in the armor would vouch for him.

"Tell them Alphonse!" he shouted. "Tell them what an inspirational father figure I have been over the last four years."

The room was quiet as all eyes turned to Alphonse. The suit of armor stood awkwardly by the door.

"Uh…E-Excuse me." He said. "I have to go polish my helmet." He quickly fled down the hallway.

"Well that answers that question." Havoc smirked.

"One day I'll be the greatest father figure ever." Roy mumbled his face in his hands. "Then you'll all see." He pointed on finger at them.

"Stop behaving like a child sir and get back to your work." Riza instructed.

Roy glanced around desperately for one last second before placing his head on the desk with a loud thump. "Yes…Ma'am." He replied; his response accompanied by a loud sob.

Later that day, when Edward joined his brother, there was a new spring in his step.

"You feeling better?" Al asked.

"Yep." Ed smiled. "Mustang's pain has given me new energy."

"That's not a very kind thing to say Brother."

Ed simply shrugged and then grinned. "Come on Al, let's head over to the library. We can't let one setback get us down." He called as he ran off.

And so the great flame alchemist managed to motivate his subordinate at the expense of his pride. It's just another fine example of the mystery that is Equivalent Exchange.

END

A/N: This fic came from a pet peeve of mine. I dislike parental fics for characters who don't have a good reason to feel parental. Roy Parentals are one of my least favorites, mainly because Roy isn't very fatherly. He grew up without a father, and he isn't exactly good with kids, nor does he seem to like them all that much. For me, Ed and Roy will always be comrades and we'll leave the parenting to Izumi, Maes, and HoHo Daddy.