Warning: this is a completely ridiculous story. LULZ FOR EVERYONE. And some traces of genuine Rapunzel/Flynn luff within their character. The original prompt from the meme is down below. Please enjoy~
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Annnnnnnd… he lost her…
Somehow in this GIANT festival in this GIANT kingdom with these GIANT crowds of joyously celebrating and slightly tipsy and possibly touchy strangers everywhere, he managed to lose his one-way ticket to his coveted dream of endless riches — a five-foot-three blonde girl with bundles of pink and purple flowers and beads in her braided, fairytale-like hair.
…completely unrealistic, I know.
But it had happened. Flynn Rider let the situation process a moment with a relatively untroubled expression, even taking a second of his contemplation to give a passing market-girl a suggestive wink, before taking off in a frantic run towards the center fountain of the square, arms flailing, the lead guard's horse fast in pursuit of him (probably assuming that he was finally breaking his deal like the uncouth swine he was). He did manage to find her eventually though — standing motionless near the mouth of alleyway with her slender back to him. Coming up to her side, Flynn began to notice with some concern how she was pale around the edges and extremely defensive in how she held her frying pan at her side.
"…hey, hey, what were you doing? Do you have any ide—?"
Flynn was interrupted from the reprimanding of his ward by a very loud and very pleased moan coming from the alleyway Rapunzel was staring horrified at.
Against the bricks, a couple bucked wildly, the man burying his face into the neck of the woman moaning again, sweat coursing down her low-cut bodice. The chameleon on Rapunzel's shoulder tucked himself around his tail at the next moan, hiding his face away and turning a lavender color to identically match Rapunzel's dress.
"Whoa, whoawhoawhoa…"
Flynn quickly grabbed her wrist when Rapunzel started walking briskly for the alleyway, towards the couple, a fiercely determined expression set over her face.
"…what are you doing?"
She stared at him as if he was stupid.
"I have to save her, Eugene. He's attacking her!" Rapunzel struggled in his grasp until he let her go, watching her turn to him fully with a tight-lipped glare.
Flynn insisted with an embarrassed chuckle, "That's not what he is doing to her, I can assure you…"
"Yes, it is," she argued, olive green eyes darkening. "Mother explained it to me."
"…what did your mother explain to you?"
"THAT right there—" Rapunzel gestured violently with her gleaming frying pan towards the still humping couple, "—is how a man attacks a woman on the street. It is terrible! He puts his hoo-diddy," and the frying pan violently flung out in the direction of his privates and Flynn flinched back a little, hands instinctively covering himself, "in her nether-bits," she gestured to her own with no less vigor, "and you bleed everywhere and die! And that is why I also wasn't allowed out of the tower. Because it hurts a lot."
Flynn didn't know whether to smack his forehead repeated against the alleyway's brick entrance or start laughing at the serious nature of her voice. She believed that rot.
"Your Mother sounds like a real card. Listen, Blondie—"
"Rapunzel—"
"—thanks be to God… yah know, I think you are developing an allergy, sweetheart…" He patted her delicate shoulder awkwardly. "…anyway, it doesn't hurt her. Not if it is a loving couple like this one…" Flynn cringed a little as he glanced back at the now animalistic-sounding sex; he turned Rapunzel in the opposite direction, "Y-you know, let's give them some privacy— uhm, right, have you been told what the process of sex is?" He was greeted with a blank look from her.
Oh glorious.
"Did your mother ever have 'the Talk' with you? Other than the highly imaginative horror stories about the male race's view on helpless women?"
"I've only been allowed three books in my library."
He replied with a dubious look, "Not much of a library there." She responded with a silent, deadly look of 'I-will-destroy-you-with-my-frying-pan'.
"Well, uh… what kind of books were they?"
She brightened at the question. "One of them is about 15th century painters like Botticelli and Sanzio… oh! One is a 2,000 page recipe book for breakfast, lunch and dinner… and the other one is The Scarlet Letter." Rapunzel giggled and quoted in a ridiculously deep voice, " 'Behold, verily, there is the woman of the scarlet letter; and, of a truth, moreover, there is the likeness of the scarlet letter running along by her side! Come, therefore, and let us fling mud at them' !" By the end of it, she was giggling harder. He rubbed at his temples.
"…I think you need a re-education of this matter," Flynn said before giving her an exaggeratedly smug smirk. "Maybe even… a hands-on experience…" The green chameleon now magically on his shoulder made eye contact with a grim-faced Rapunzel who gave him a firm nod. He stuck his long, sticky tongue into the man's left ear canal and Flynn squealed like a little girl, knocking the chameleon off him.
"I'm not sure why…" She twisted her fingers slowly, menacingly around her frying pan's handle. "…but I feel that comment deserves a vicious whacking…what do you think, Pascal?"
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It was two more hours until sunset and until the lanterns ceremony. They had time to kill. But why did they have to take THIS ROAD?..!...? Flynn regretted his decision to turn down it as Rapunzel's eyes locked on the nearest, quaint bookstore in the kingdom.
With a victorious whoop, she sprinted into it full-speed, bumping into several disgruntled bystanders exiting the premises.
Oh, it gets better…
After asking the old man at the front desk which direction the girl with flowers in her hair went, he pointed towards… the naughty section. And there she was, attracting attention over to herself as she held up (gods damn him) a Kama Sutra up to her nose, her olive green eyes enlarging and absorbing everything she was reading.
"A Pair of Tongs? How does -that- become a pair of tongs? I've seen tongs and they aren't this, Eugene…" Rapunzel informed him very loudly, jabbing the page. Flynn agreed nervously, waving uneasily to the other customers in the bookstore who openly gazed at them, taking into account the section they were standing in, the book in her hands, and in how eagerly she spoke of its grotesquely personal and sexual contents to him. One or two sneered, wigging their eyebrows at him as she screamed, "Oh! Oh! Let's try this one! There is a trapeze!"
Pretending to be interested, chuckling, he snatched it from her hands with all intentions of chucking it against the wall and glanced casually at the picture only to frown thoughtfully and rub his chin. "Hmmm… I do like this one…waaait a moment!" Flynn slapped the Kama Sutra book shut with a THUMP and shoved it back into the stack of books. "Gah! No! We're putting this away!"
"But… I like this book, Eugene." He raised an eyebrow at the purposeful way she said 'like'. "It is my birthday," she said with a triumphant grin, her girlish dimples popping out.
He resisted the urge to poke them back from existence. Or to stroke his fingertips across her soft skin. It did look very soft. The dimples. Her skin.
"No, no, no, I'm not buying you that. You used that trick on me already with the horse…"
On cue, Max neighed outside the store, clomping his hooves against the dirt.
Her lower lip began to pucker and tremble.
"Nuh-uh, no way…"
Rapunzel dropped the pouting act; instead, she raised her frying pan a little, giving him an equally dangerous and inescapably beautiful defiant stare.
He sighed, flinging out his arms in a mild surrender.
"...fine. Only if we can try the hammock…"
"Deal."
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Tangled and its characters and the Scarlet Letter and those 15th century painters and the Kama Sutra and the apartment I am currently living in is not mine.
And thank you, How to Train Your Moosie, for the reedit.
Prompt:
"So Rapunzel wouldn't really have had the opportunity to learn about sex, right, seeing as she only had the three books in her library. So anyway, Rapunzel and Flynn are out on the town when she hears some moans from a back alley. She investigates, and sees a couple doing the deed against a wall. She is all set to charge in, frying pan at the ready, when Flynn stops her, and tells her that, no, that man is not hurting that woman.
When Rapunzel doesn't understand, Flynn offers to explain in a more hands-on approach."