Author's notes: Review, please?? This is old. And sappy. But I'm in
love with Taka, and in love with love (ha) so… yeah. ^_^
All I Ever Wanted
I wish for just a moment that you could trade places with me… just for an instant, while looking into bright green eyes, so you could feel what I feel whenever I'm close to her. Then you would know… would understand… what it is like to be this deeply in love. And then, everything I'm going to tell you would make sense.
I have always loved her. And I've always known it, known it in those moments just before waking, when the sun dances red behind your eyes lids and you are in someone's arms whispering a name that fades with the dawn. Known it when girls in my school back home suddenly started to see me differently, when they would press their arms through mine and laugh loudly at all my jokes and I couldn't care less. I knew it whenever I saw someone walk by with long auburn hair and a petite stature, how my heart started and something inside me yearned to break free.
It started pulling on me mostly in the later years of high school, when Tokyo called to me like a beacon, like a siren. Somewhere on those city streets, in the crowded cafes, on the busy subway cars… a pair of green eyes…
So I applied to college there. Never mind the money that we didn't have. Never mind the travel. Never mind… everything! I could work, I could take the train, survive on phone calls to my overprotective mother.. (something inside me rejoiced every time I saw my her and my father , at the fact that I had a mother, I had a family. While I didn't understand it, I lived with it, staying closer to them and my siblings then most teenagers). Anyway, the fact remained: I had to be in Tokyo.
Most of this is hindsight, understand. At the time, I wasn't sure why I wanted to go to the city so badly. Only now, looking back, do I realize why. But luck was on my side from the start. I got in to the university, found an apartment (rent controlled!) in a great location, and even got my first (of many) part time jobs at a small café near a local high school. The pay wasn't great, but I would vie for hours and since minimum wage had just gone up, it was a pretty okay start.
Anyway, although we were close to the school, we hardly got any high school girl costumers, something my co-workers were always lamenting, something I really didn't mind. Like I said, at the time I wasn't sure why, but now I know why I had never had very strong feelings for a girl before. I was more interested in the money I was making, actually... but also I was waiting for her.
She'd kill me if she found out, but I don't remember much about the day I met her (that is, found her. Again). With all the serendipity and fate pulling at me everyday since I moved, you'd think I'd know right away the day was special, but I didn't. I dressed for work after my morning class, slipping the chain around my neck I always wore, and jogged to work as usual. Two students came in, in uniforms, after the bell had rung and I remember thinking they would get in serious trouble if anyone from their school found them here. I remember the blonde sitting down, smiling encouragingly her smaller brunette friend. I remember watching the second girl tuck a strand of red-brown hair behind her ear, and I was enraptured with that singular movement.
I approached the table.
And then she turned around.
And my world made sense, by losing all sanity it once had.
~~
Okay, she would probably tell it differently. She'd start at the very beginning, when she opened the book and met the me who wasn't me… who I confronted in a painful test of strength I would never, ever repeat.
Do you know what it's like to have the most important person in your world fall lifeless into your arms? To have eyes that danced up at you shut forever, to watch soft hair settling across to the pavement below you, lips open but not breathing…
I hope you do not. Because I almost did not survive it.
~~
But back to that day, the day I met her. I fell in love before she did. Is it true, someone somewhere said, men fall in love faster than women do? How is that fair, anyway?
Still, she maintains she fell in love with Tamahome long before he returned her feelings.
How could he (I?) have been so blind? Sometimes I wonder if fate was paying me back, with the indifferent look in her eyes on the day I first looked into them at the cafe.
I did not take long to win her over, or allow her memories of me to win her over, whichever. She was in my arms and that was all I cared about.
Still, even after so recently embracing the foggy memories of my past life, there is so much I don't know.
Before all the whole Tenkou thing even arose, Miaka had tried to explain my past to me. Photographs in an album settled over her lap, small hands tenderly brushed frozen faces beneath the plastic covering. These were people she loved, people she cared about so much her large eyes would fill with tears as she talked, and my arms would ache to comfort her.
But I would always hold back, hold my distance as she told me who I was, back then and to her. She would look at me, with hopeful, expressive eyes, bite her lower lip and ask, "Do you see now, Tamahome?"
"Taka," I correct, automatically but never unkindly, and her eyes would lower as she nodded.
"Gomen, Taka," she would whisper and to take that look away from her face I would kiss her. And kiss her. And think in desperation, to make this heavy feeling in my chest go away, 'I never want to let her go'.
There was fear, hidden inside me that I didn't even know of. Fear when I gave her the pager for her birthday, fear in the passion I felt that rainy night in my apartment, before we fell through the scroll. There was fear in the joy I felt when I found a job as a coach at her high school so I could be close to her. There was fear when she saved my life in the scroll, by risking hers with deadly poison, and fear when she forgave me wholeheartedly for what I thought I may have done with Miiru. With every ounce of love I had for her, I was afraid. Afraid of myself. Afraid of Tamahome.
One night, while a city ran in chaos, red and white lights flashed, and people screamed and Gods clashed, and Miaka fell into my arms on a crowded street…. That night, the fear went away.
She chose me.
~~
The mistake I made was separating myself and Tamahome in my mind. Miaka was doing the same thing, and so was Tenkou, using it for his advantage. Tasuki knew better, the whole time he called me "Tama." That flame-throwing pyromaniac, my best friend… he knew, somehow.
I am Tamahome. I am the same man who took the weight of a collapsed building to save Miaka's life, who followed her to enemy territory to protect her, who gave up everything he loved to keep her safe.
I am the same man who tried to kill her, who tried to make her stay in the universe of the four gods, who broke her heart in the rain.
I am the first sei of the Suzaku no Miko.
And I am the one who promised to make her the happiest bride in the world.
~~
The other day we were in my new apartment (the old place was blown up in near apocalypse, which my insurance didn't cover, go figure). And she was laying on the sofa fast asleep, curled up so her feet brushed my legs. Her left hand rested on her stomach, the gold color of the ring gleaming in the rapidly fading sunlight.
The thin metal ring with the fake red stone, it would be worthless to anyone else, but she had paled at her brother's suggestion of us saving up for 'real' engagement rings.
"These are real!" she had cried, pressing her fingers to the ring. "These hold Taka's promise, onii-chan," she added in a softer voice, "and that is all that matters."
My name, Taka… my promise… not just Tamahome's… I was so enraptured by her words that I didn't react to Tetsuya's cheap shot about me not holding a job long enough to fulfill the two weeks salary rule anyway.
Remembering that day, I ran my hand over hers, closed it around her hand, the ring pressing into my palm, a promise. She stirred slightly and I leaned down and brushed my lips against her forehead.
"Hey funny face," I pulled at one pigtail gently.
"Taka," she murmured sleepily, "what time is it?"
"I'm not sure," I replied, leaning my head against her shoulder and staring at the cracks on my ceiling.
She stretched energetically, fists nearly missing my head, and ran a hand through her bangs.
"I have to call my mother and stepdad," she said, sitting up, tugging her hair back into the pigtails she was wearing that day, "if I want to stay here much later."
There were movies sitting in front of my TV set, and take out Chinese in the fridge. This must be normal life, I thought. No demons to fight, no past to run from. Miaka smiled at me in that genki way she has, and lifted her arms up over her head. "Get up lazy," her voice sang as small hands tugged at mine.
Grinning, I just wrapped my fingers around hers and pulled back down to the sofa.
"Taka!" she screamed in surprise, unable to keep her lips from pulling into a smile, "why do you always do that?!"
"Do what?" I said innocently, pretending to forget all the times I loved to sneak up on her and surprise her.
She gave me a look, and ruffled her hand through my hair furiously, stopping only when I kissed her so her arms fell weakly around my neck and we sunk together into the softness of the couch and darkness of the evening.
~~
She has this warmth about her I can't explain. Even when I'm across the room, just watching her talk with Yui, or talk on the phone in my apartment, or (most often) argue with her brother in the Yuuki house, a warmth fills me from the inside out. It's comforting, and soft. When she's in my arms I feel it, the heat rising from her skin, into my heart to burn like flame. So close to me, she can become hot, like fire, warmth which consumes me and like the proverbial moth I am drawn it, to her. The blaze fills me, us together, she is beautiful, red like the flames when the sun hits her hair, eyes bright like Suzaku's fire. My Miaka… beautiful crimson.
~~
That would be the moment of realization that our new life has began, that all we have is the future, that what I feel for Yuuki Miaka is beyond love by a hundredfold…
In that moment, you would understand.
Ore wa Sukunami Taka desu, Yuuki Miaka no koibito.
And that is all I even wanted.
All I Ever Wanted
I wish for just a moment that you could trade places with me… just for an instant, while looking into bright green eyes, so you could feel what I feel whenever I'm close to her. Then you would know… would understand… what it is like to be this deeply in love. And then, everything I'm going to tell you would make sense.
I have always loved her. And I've always known it, known it in those moments just before waking, when the sun dances red behind your eyes lids and you are in someone's arms whispering a name that fades with the dawn. Known it when girls in my school back home suddenly started to see me differently, when they would press their arms through mine and laugh loudly at all my jokes and I couldn't care less. I knew it whenever I saw someone walk by with long auburn hair and a petite stature, how my heart started and something inside me yearned to break free.
It started pulling on me mostly in the later years of high school, when Tokyo called to me like a beacon, like a siren. Somewhere on those city streets, in the crowded cafes, on the busy subway cars… a pair of green eyes…
So I applied to college there. Never mind the money that we didn't have. Never mind the travel. Never mind… everything! I could work, I could take the train, survive on phone calls to my overprotective mother.. (something inside me rejoiced every time I saw my her and my father , at the fact that I had a mother, I had a family. While I didn't understand it, I lived with it, staying closer to them and my siblings then most teenagers). Anyway, the fact remained: I had to be in Tokyo.
Most of this is hindsight, understand. At the time, I wasn't sure why I wanted to go to the city so badly. Only now, looking back, do I realize why. But luck was on my side from the start. I got in to the university, found an apartment (rent controlled!) in a great location, and even got my first (of many) part time jobs at a small café near a local high school. The pay wasn't great, but I would vie for hours and since minimum wage had just gone up, it was a pretty okay start.
Anyway, although we were close to the school, we hardly got any high school girl costumers, something my co-workers were always lamenting, something I really didn't mind. Like I said, at the time I wasn't sure why, but now I know why I had never had very strong feelings for a girl before. I was more interested in the money I was making, actually... but also I was waiting for her.
She'd kill me if she found out, but I don't remember much about the day I met her (that is, found her. Again). With all the serendipity and fate pulling at me everyday since I moved, you'd think I'd know right away the day was special, but I didn't. I dressed for work after my morning class, slipping the chain around my neck I always wore, and jogged to work as usual. Two students came in, in uniforms, after the bell had rung and I remember thinking they would get in serious trouble if anyone from their school found them here. I remember the blonde sitting down, smiling encouragingly her smaller brunette friend. I remember watching the second girl tuck a strand of red-brown hair behind her ear, and I was enraptured with that singular movement.
I approached the table.
And then she turned around.
And my world made sense, by losing all sanity it once had.
~~
Okay, she would probably tell it differently. She'd start at the very beginning, when she opened the book and met the me who wasn't me… who I confronted in a painful test of strength I would never, ever repeat.
Do you know what it's like to have the most important person in your world fall lifeless into your arms? To have eyes that danced up at you shut forever, to watch soft hair settling across to the pavement below you, lips open but not breathing…
I hope you do not. Because I almost did not survive it.
~~
But back to that day, the day I met her. I fell in love before she did. Is it true, someone somewhere said, men fall in love faster than women do? How is that fair, anyway?
Still, she maintains she fell in love with Tamahome long before he returned her feelings.
How could he (I?) have been so blind? Sometimes I wonder if fate was paying me back, with the indifferent look in her eyes on the day I first looked into them at the cafe.
I did not take long to win her over, or allow her memories of me to win her over, whichever. She was in my arms and that was all I cared about.
Still, even after so recently embracing the foggy memories of my past life, there is so much I don't know.
Before all the whole Tenkou thing even arose, Miaka had tried to explain my past to me. Photographs in an album settled over her lap, small hands tenderly brushed frozen faces beneath the plastic covering. These were people she loved, people she cared about so much her large eyes would fill with tears as she talked, and my arms would ache to comfort her.
But I would always hold back, hold my distance as she told me who I was, back then and to her. She would look at me, with hopeful, expressive eyes, bite her lower lip and ask, "Do you see now, Tamahome?"
"Taka," I correct, automatically but never unkindly, and her eyes would lower as she nodded.
"Gomen, Taka," she would whisper and to take that look away from her face I would kiss her. And kiss her. And think in desperation, to make this heavy feeling in my chest go away, 'I never want to let her go'.
There was fear, hidden inside me that I didn't even know of. Fear when I gave her the pager for her birthday, fear in the passion I felt that rainy night in my apartment, before we fell through the scroll. There was fear in the joy I felt when I found a job as a coach at her high school so I could be close to her. There was fear when she saved my life in the scroll, by risking hers with deadly poison, and fear when she forgave me wholeheartedly for what I thought I may have done with Miiru. With every ounce of love I had for her, I was afraid. Afraid of myself. Afraid of Tamahome.
One night, while a city ran in chaos, red and white lights flashed, and people screamed and Gods clashed, and Miaka fell into my arms on a crowded street…. That night, the fear went away.
She chose me.
~~
The mistake I made was separating myself and Tamahome in my mind. Miaka was doing the same thing, and so was Tenkou, using it for his advantage. Tasuki knew better, the whole time he called me "Tama." That flame-throwing pyromaniac, my best friend… he knew, somehow.
I am Tamahome. I am the same man who took the weight of a collapsed building to save Miaka's life, who followed her to enemy territory to protect her, who gave up everything he loved to keep her safe.
I am the same man who tried to kill her, who tried to make her stay in the universe of the four gods, who broke her heart in the rain.
I am the first sei of the Suzaku no Miko.
And I am the one who promised to make her the happiest bride in the world.
~~
The other day we were in my new apartment (the old place was blown up in near apocalypse, which my insurance didn't cover, go figure). And she was laying on the sofa fast asleep, curled up so her feet brushed my legs. Her left hand rested on her stomach, the gold color of the ring gleaming in the rapidly fading sunlight.
The thin metal ring with the fake red stone, it would be worthless to anyone else, but she had paled at her brother's suggestion of us saving up for 'real' engagement rings.
"These are real!" she had cried, pressing her fingers to the ring. "These hold Taka's promise, onii-chan," she added in a softer voice, "and that is all that matters."
My name, Taka… my promise… not just Tamahome's… I was so enraptured by her words that I didn't react to Tetsuya's cheap shot about me not holding a job long enough to fulfill the two weeks salary rule anyway.
Remembering that day, I ran my hand over hers, closed it around her hand, the ring pressing into my palm, a promise. She stirred slightly and I leaned down and brushed my lips against her forehead.
"Hey funny face," I pulled at one pigtail gently.
"Taka," she murmured sleepily, "what time is it?"
"I'm not sure," I replied, leaning my head against her shoulder and staring at the cracks on my ceiling.
She stretched energetically, fists nearly missing my head, and ran a hand through her bangs.
"I have to call my mother and stepdad," she said, sitting up, tugging her hair back into the pigtails she was wearing that day, "if I want to stay here much later."
There were movies sitting in front of my TV set, and take out Chinese in the fridge. This must be normal life, I thought. No demons to fight, no past to run from. Miaka smiled at me in that genki way she has, and lifted her arms up over her head. "Get up lazy," her voice sang as small hands tugged at mine.
Grinning, I just wrapped my fingers around hers and pulled back down to the sofa.
"Taka!" she screamed in surprise, unable to keep her lips from pulling into a smile, "why do you always do that?!"
"Do what?" I said innocently, pretending to forget all the times I loved to sneak up on her and surprise her.
She gave me a look, and ruffled her hand through my hair furiously, stopping only when I kissed her so her arms fell weakly around my neck and we sunk together into the softness of the couch and darkness of the evening.
~~
She has this warmth about her I can't explain. Even when I'm across the room, just watching her talk with Yui, or talk on the phone in my apartment, or (most often) argue with her brother in the Yuuki house, a warmth fills me from the inside out. It's comforting, and soft. When she's in my arms I feel it, the heat rising from her skin, into my heart to burn like flame. So close to me, she can become hot, like fire, warmth which consumes me and like the proverbial moth I am drawn it, to her. The blaze fills me, us together, she is beautiful, red like the flames when the sun hits her hair, eyes bright like Suzaku's fire. My Miaka… beautiful crimson.
~~
That would be the moment of realization that our new life has began, that all we have is the future, that what I feel for Yuuki Miaka is beyond love by a hundredfold…
In that moment, you would understand.
Ore wa Sukunami Taka desu, Yuuki Miaka no koibito.
And that is all I even wanted.