A/N: Damn, this is almost M-Rated. But I'm not sure if I want this to turn into something more mature, you know… Opinions anyone?

By the way, this truly reminds me of Elise Estrada's 'One Last Time'… I can't believe I didn't think of this earlier.

So yep, contrarily to my others, this story will have short-ish chapters (well... of 1500-2000 words) like this one... So there will eventually be more. And I must admit, I'm really proud of how it's turning out. I love Trentney, and writing a real first story about them is really important to me. :) So yep.

I don't own anything of the TD series.

Chapter One:

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
~Dr. Seuss

If I Can Handle Myself... Or Simply This

Rain was hitting the window glass, as I overheard brave people fighting the stormy weather outside swearing out loud their hate for the October cold. My brown eyes were wide open, staring at the blank ceiling of the room, even if it was completely dark. From his deep slumber, I heard Duncan grunt loudly, probably caught into a dream he didn't like the scenario. He was almost naked under the covers, worn only of a pair of plaid boxers.

I must admit, an hour ago, he was wildly awake, while I was under him, kissing every single spot of his face. Yes, again, we were trying to conceive, and also reanimate our sexual life. Even though Duncan was horny like a beast, and was easily showing it to me since I could feel his member was hardening against my thigh, I was honestly felt no passion. Not from my boyfriend, in contrary; the lack of desire was only from me. I didn't feel it, the exciting spasm of sexual activities; I more felt like my body wasn't alive and a man was having sex with it.

At each kiss, he was whispering in my ear that he loved me, and I was surprisingly finding myself saying it back in loud moans. It was false, of course, and not because I didn't want to mean it, I just didn't feel like I should mean it. His hands were traveling on my body, especially around my breasts, and again I couldn't feel anything. I was one of those people whom sex only meant something to someone they loved.

I did love Duncan, so why couldn't I feel this feeling?

As the night moved along, I could sexually satisfy him until he came, which meant was the end of our sex experience of the night. He told me one last time that he loved me, which I said back again, and fell asleep next to my naked body. I put my clothes back on, and tried to imitate him, which unfortunately didn't work out. Now here I was, the room being dark as a street alley on a winter night, and me being wide awake at 2 in the morning.

I've always hated silence. My mother had died when I was thirteen, and every night for more than a year, I used to listen to the radio while falling asleep in my room, so I didn't feel so lonesome. This way, I could forget about the pain, and concentrate on what was on, and more important; I could ignore the voices in my head whispering to me depressing thoughts about death. I hated quietness that much because it got me to think about what had happened recently. And any noise could make me forget about things and others. And that's why I loved it so much.

Since I had moved in with Duncan, I stopped worrying about things. Until we started wanting to have a child. This is when things got heavy.

Duncan, out of the many guys I had ever gone out with, was the only one that never tried pressuring me into sex. It wasn't his type. Even behind his badass shell, Duncan was the sweetest, most caring and loving boy you'd ever meet. He loved me, and he was not afraid to show me he did. So when he said he wanted to start a family with me, I sure as hell told him I wanted to. He was the one I had always wanted to spend my life with, and I wanted him to be the father of children… And things were still the same at the first time we tried, though it failed. And at the second too.

And the same at the third.

Again at the fourth.

And the same thing at the fifth.

We did consult. Many doctors and many specialists. They all gave the same answer; there was nothing wrong with us, and maybe we just didn't do something right. But even if we tried and tried, nothing worked. It was a mystery; a deep mystery.

The sun rose, and hadn't gotten any sleep of the night. Tired to stay be inactive, I decided to sit up and crawl off bed, walking toward the exit of the room. I put my clothes back on, comb my hair and looked back at Duncan, his eyes still shut, almost sealed, and sighed deeply. How was it I couldn't feel anything when a man wonderful like him was making love to me?

I thought that maybe, to thank him, I should have gotten out to get him his favourite breakfast; pancakes from the restaurant down the street. At least, he would love it after all that big night.

And I should also buy a pregnancy test; maybe this time was the lucky time.

~.~.~.~.~

Back from the restaurant, I walked in the hallway of the apartment building leading to my apartment, my dreams residing in a white pharmacy bag. Unnaturally, I was taking my time, not pacing between each step to arrive earlier at my door. I wasn't in a hurry, in contrary; I was trying to earn more time. More time to think about what was wrong with Duncan and me; more time to figure out what was happening with me.

This thing inside me reminded me curiously of my puberty years, when teachers were forcing us to read small booklets about body changes and all that crap. Adolescent girls had uncontrollable mood swings, while guys' members could erect up to twenty times a day, which was a lot. Duncan wasn't as sexually excited as a teenage boy, though he had needs, but I was changing my mind as many times I was changing pair of underwear. And this was inevitable and abnormal. I didn't want to go adolescence a second time just to see if I can find my real identity; I was Courtney Harrington, and I had always been… I just didn't understand why I was starting to change my mind suddenly.

My train of thoughts was interrupted when I bumped against someone, being inattentive. I mumbled a weak apology to the person in front of me, before raising my head to notice a tall bleached blonde standing in front of me, smiling lovingly. Relieved, I smiled back to her, figuring out a little chat with her would just make me gain more time.

"Hey, Lindsay," I started confidently, her deep ocean blue eyes locked into mine. "What are you doing here at this early hour in the morning?"

"Oh, just going out for breakfast at Fred's, Tyler and I. He's still putting gel in his messy brown hair, but he'll catch me up in two minutes." The blond bubbly said, smoothing her hair and clothes, causing me to arch an eyebrow in confusion. Lindsay, being cleverer than usually, noticed my facaial expression and tried to clear things up. "Sorry, Tyler and I just got one heck of a night! Plus, a little quickie this morning helped a lot before we decided to actually get out. I totally damaged his hair; you should have seen this!"

I gave Lindsay a lopsided grin, "It's alright, I guess I'll survive."

Lindsay closed her eyes delightedly, reminding me of those cute chibi cartoon characters. "And how about you and Duncan? How's your sex life?" The naïve blonde asked, not taking consideration of the awkwardness of the situation.

"Well… it's okay I guess."

Her eyes widen, "Okay? And you guess? Oh my gosh, Courtney… Duncan must not be that bad in bed!"

"He's excellent!"I reassured her, and somehow saved Duncan's man honour. "It's just… I don't know… I think it's me."

"Aw Court…" The young pale-haired woman brought her hands up, cupping my face of her warm comforting hands, "Duncan and you have been together for a really long time now, it's normal you don't feel anything anymore while having sex even though you're crazy about each other… You just need practice and if you want, I have Karma sutra books hidden under my bed." She proposed, like there was nothing wrong about it.

"No, it's alright Lindsay. It's just… Never mind, alright" I give in, not feeling in the mood of talking about sex before breakfast.

Lindsay's hands went off my skin, leaving her to grin at me contently. "Okie-Dokie! If you need me though, you know I'll always be there for you… You can come anytime you want; my door is open."

With a smile like Lindsay's, I couldn't help smiling back. It was sweet as honey, but sincere and comforting like maternal love. I must admit, at first, when Lindsay had moved in the apartment building with her boyfriend, I couldn't help hating her. She was being all clingy and immature and could barely tell what the square root of 121 was, which was truly annoying me since I used to run from idiots and she was the kind of girl that never let go. As days moved on, I started to know her better, and see a side of her no one could ever perceive on a first glance. By getting to know her, I started to truly appreciate Lindsay, and see the beauty Tyler was falling for.

Lindsay might have been hot as hell, but she was beautiful inside out and there was no doubt of it. We were like sisters; she was there for me and I was there for her.

I watched Lindsay storm off towards the elevator, and I decided to walk away as well. The meal would turn cold if I didn't hurry, and Duncan would be wondering where I'd been since I didn't tell him I was going out.

And somehow, I wasn't scared anymore; I was in love with Duncan, so I didn't need to worry, right?

… Right?

A/N: Review... please :)