In this one I'll give you some information on Minako's lawyer. She's just that evil...

by lord Martiya

The Sorting

"What? But you can't-"

"I can, and I did." Minako declared. "Dozens of books have been published on the Boy Who Lived, yet my adopted son never got a knut of the royalties, nor I was asked about permission from anyone but that 'squib', Rowling. Also, the Potter cottage at Godric's Hollow has been declared an historical site and took away from my son's estate, yet he was not compensated. Your firm, as the Potter's representatives, should have stopped this, but you did not even tried. So, Whatever-Is-Your-Name, you're replaced by my own solicitors, and I'll take care to make everybody know. And yes, I know this may well ruin y-Uh? MWA-HA-HA! I was saying, I know this may well ruin you, but it's your problem, not mine."

"What was the evil laugh about?"

"Nothing, I felt my reality prank just got little Harry. I hope Artemis had the camera at ready..."

Harry was checking people's reaction to McGonagall's statement of his name. Of course, Dumbledore knew of it, and was making it blatantly obvious with his fake 'Who, me?' look. Also, as expected, many were wondering if he was 'That Harry Potter' and about the change of name, and Hermione was hanging with her mouth open. Malfoy was placing the rest of the first years between himself and Harry, but did not look too surprised. Then, the fool happened.

"Why you didn't tell me?" Ronald Weasley, of course. And the redhead brigade at the Gryffindor (including a prefect) table made a collective facepalm, while Dumbledore started eating his sherbet lemons (that Minako and Artemis suspected were laced with calming draught).

"Because it's not your business." he replied. "Listen up, I got famous because a git tried to kill me and screwed up after murdering my birth parents, and that's not a fame I love, so better remember that and call me Aino, for I will not answer to Potter unless I decide it's strictly necessary. Or it matters getting even with Voldemor-no, with Tommy the Wonderfart."

That shut everybody up (apart Dumbledore, who was too busy choking on his sherbet lemon to fit the definition): he had not only spoke the Dark Lord's name, but he had even gave him a derogatory nickname (it had actually been Minako the one coming up with it, and she had trademarked it, if only to make clear she had been the one inventing it). Then, after he stopped choking, Dumbledore asked for the sorting to continue, in the middle of his snickers.

"Yes, do it, I'd like to know where I have to place the bloody baggage. Why did it had to be a trunk when a magical suitcase would be as capient and easier to move..." Artemis said from near the Sorting Hat.

"Where the hell have you been?" Harry asked.

"Explained the staff your mother entrusted me alone with your trunk. Bloody house elves, they don't even taste that good..."

At that, Artemis spit a fake elf bone. I repeat, it was fake: the house elves had actually accepted Artemis' explanation after getting a written confirmation, but Artemis wanted to terrify the students in remembering Harry's new last name. He mostly succeeded, and about the remaining idiots, they would make good scratching posts. In the meantime, Harry came and took the Sorting Hat.

"Wow, your mother is less crazy than I expected. With what I saw here, becoming Hannibal Lecter would be chosing to be nice..." the hat commented.

You think I don't know? Harry mentally replied. After last time she met HER mother, even Saitou-san knows better than risk her wrath. Well, what about the House I belong?

"I see you know the rules. But you're just too straightforward for Slytherin. Sorry, but you belongs to GRYFFINDOR!"

"Damn..."

The Sorting proceeded, and Harry got questioned on his life with his mother, until he mentioned about suing the Boy Who Lived publishers.

"Good luck with that." the redheaded prefect, a Percy Weasley, said. "The judge will be partial because she's a muggle, and their lawyers will be-"

"EVIL! EVIL! HOLY SHIT, YOUR MOTHER'S EVIL!" the Sorting Hat cried.

"Oh, really? I didn't realize. With all the men she 'inherited' from, and the people she buried..." Blaise sarcastically replied. "Where do I belong?"

"Slytherin. Ghost of Salazar, please don't haunt me..."

"His mother is the Aino family lawyer." Harry deadpanned. "Trust me, she'll get more than requested out of logic, fear and lust."

"I don't want to know. But... Burying?"

"She was the groundskeeper of a graveyard before spawning."

"And she's now a lawyer, why?"

"Well, she says it's like her previous job, only you get people to bury themselves."

Author's Note

According to JKR's official site and the real-life counterpart of The Tales of Beedle the Bard, a squib named J. K. Rowling is the author of a book called Wizard's Book and the 2008 edition of The Tales of Beedle the Bard. We can assume she's also the author of the in-universe seven-volume biography of Harry Potter.

Sherbet lemon is the sweet that Dumbledore loves so much in the original edition, not the lemon drop.

To be fair, an OC of mine came up with the Wonderfart part before Minako, but she never knew of him and patented it first. Also, an unidentified Slytherin student came up with that when Tom Riddle was still a student, but 'someone' *coughTom Riddlecough* told The G.E.M. he was Jason reincarnated, and, after verifying, she awoke his past life's memories before killing him AGAIN.

I'd like you to note that Minako's private life is quite crappy in any continuity, as exemplified by the simple fact she hates cops as bad as her mother (she admits it, when asked) but her best friend is their boss. Is this author's opinion that Minako's silly actions are both a form of venting and a desperate request for help and not being left alone.

Sugao Saitou is a Live Action character, and Minako's flamboyant and devilish manager (and maybe the head of her company). He's most notable for being a childhood friend of Usagi's mother, knowing of Usagi and Minako's secret but just not caring (on one occasion he even got Luna competing in a quiz because there was a vacant spot) and being the one person capable to keep up with Minako and even having her wrapped around his finger (he's the one person who ever fooled her and got away with that.