Disclaimer: I own nothing related to The Mentalist. Lyrics are from the Radiohead song, "House of Cards".

A/N: I decided to do this after watching "Jolly Red Elf". A line like, "I'm just a little home…can you take me drunk?" requires, nay, deserves a follow up.

Merry Christmas everyone! This is especially dedicated to Yana for her encouragement! This was supposed to be a one off…but now it's a multi-part gift.

World Your Rock Tonight

Chapter: 1

I don't want to be your friend
I just want to be your lover
No matter how it ends
No matter how it starts…

-Radiohead

Sometimes you have to laugh, or you might start crying…

Special Agent Teresa Lisbon was ruminating on the universal truth of the above phrase while trying to maneuver her consultant, Patrick Jane out of Dr. Wilder's office and away from the crime scene so forensics could do their job. Jane's plan to reveal the phony doctor's nurse, Layla, as the killer had worked, but it had also gotten him rip, roaring drunk in the process. Not mention his near death brush with a needle full of ethanol.

Once the dust had settled and the team had rescued Jane from alcohol poisoning Lisbon had given him one long look, mostly to reassure herself that he was whole and puncture free, but she'd realized something else was amiss very quickly. She'd inquired after his well-being, and continued to stare at him hard. Jane, of course, had tried to deny the obvious state he was in. A man who had as much control over his body and biorhythms as Patrick Jane didn't get drunk, or at least not sloppy drunk. He'd waved off her concern with blurry eyes and a mumbled, "I'm fine. I'm jush a lil' home. Can you take me drunk?"

Lisbon fought the urge to laugh out loud at his mix up, and offered him a hand out of the chair he'd been restrained in. Despite protests that he was fine, Jane's equilibrium was definitely not okay, and he quickly went from being assisted by Lisbon into the standing position, to leaning on her for support. Unfortunately, for all her strength training and macho tendencies Lisbon was unable to support a drunken Jane completely unassisted. Once Jane had leveraged his body from the chair, he and Lisbon began a slap-stick like descent towards the floor, pausing only long enough to take a tray of medical instruments down with them.

Luckily for both Lisbon and her consultant Special Agents Cho and Rigsby were on hand to catch them. Unluckily, they had to wait until Cho and Rigsby could stop laughing and catch their breath before they could be rescued.

Cho was the first to recover. "Whoa, whoa, whoa," he said, while trying to untangle the heap of limbs that had become his boss and colleague. "Alright Jane, give me your left hand, no, the other left, that's it. Okay now let go of Lisbon. Just for a second Jane, come on."

Lisbon watched from the floor as Cho pulled Jane off of her and handed him to Rigsby for safe keeping. Cho returned to her with outstretched hands, but Lisbon shook her head at him and stood up on her own. It was bad enough she'd been unable to support Jane herself, she didn't want help doing something as simple as standing. Things were getting pretty bad if Jane could take her down, and she made a mental note to take an extra kick box class in the coming week and up her free weights by at least another five or ten pounds.

Jane meanwhile was trying to convince Rigsby that the younger agents' help was completely unnecessary.

"S'okay Wayne. Imma good. Jush lemme get my bearings."

Rigsby rolled his eyes and continued to wrestle with Jane. "Right, you're good. You just crashed into a tray of sharp, pointy things, and then fell on top of Lisbon. I-

"Wha?" Jane's question cut Rigsby off, and he nearly knocked the agent over in his haste to turn around and ensure there were no sharp, pointy things lodged in his boss. "Lishbon, you okay?"

Rigsby thought fast and grabbed Jane under the armpits and pulled the consultant's back against his chest. Jane's legs had taken on the consistency of Jello due in equal parts to alcohol and alarm. Rigsby was forced to try and steady Jane on some rather unresponsive feet. It was like trying to get a recalcitrant toddler to stand up straight during a tantrum.

"It's all good buddy," Rigsby said and tried to point at Lisbon before he remembered both of his arms were otherwise engaged. "See? Boss lady is fine." He tossed a look at Lisbon. "You are fine right?"

"Yes Rigsby I'm fine. Jane I'm fine. Watch," Lisbon spun slowly around in a circle to prove there were no sharp instruments stuck into her back and no left over injuries from the fall.

She walked towards Jane and Rigsby. "Rigsby you and Cho stay here and assist with the forensic investigation. I'm going to take Jane home, or as he refers to it, drunk." She smirked a little at her own joke and moved into her "knocking down a door stance" while cracking her neck a few times. "Alright give him here. I'm ready."

"I don't know boss," Rigsby said warily and moved a few steps back, dragging Jane with him. "You went down pretty hard the last time. Maybe I oughta get him into a squad car."

Lisbon's eyes flashed with anger at the words, "went down pretty hard", and she toughened her stance.

"Nothing doing Rigsby," she growled. "Now hand Jane over nice and slow. I got this."

"You know, I'hm not a baby. Can walk myshelf…jush need to get my bearings ish all," Jane interjected. He'd been dozing against Rigsby's chest, but had come to in the midst of Lisbon's angry demands for his person. Under different circumstances he would have been suitably impressed and turned on by her insistence, but right now he was just insulted that his teammates thought a few shots of whiskey could so thoroughly undo him.

"Pleash stop treating me like an invalid. I jush fooled a woman into believing I wush drunk, that my blood…blood…blood," he groped for the next word, but didn't find it. "My blood thingy was low and that I lost con-con-con-blacked out."

Cho crossed his arms and very, nearly smiled. It looked more like a grimace, but it was pretty close to a smile. "And the award for least sober sentence uttered tonight goes to Jane".

"Nonsensh," Jane muttered. "I'm not drunk. Jush give me a minute. Everyone back up and give me a minute." He felt himself beginning to slide towards the floor as Rigsby complied with his demand. "S'alright everybody but Rigsby back up."

Rigsby rushed to steady Jane once more and the consultant began taking deep breaths. He screwed his eyes shut and continued to breathe in through his nose and out through his mouth. He was drunk, but he was still a well-trained con artist. Jane slowly and methodically tried to employ every mind over matter gimmick he knew in order to regain control over his faculties. Nothing except time would sober him up for real, but he could at least ensure he walked out of this room on his own two feet, albeit with Lisbon's help. After several moments spent quietly breathing and centering his mind Jane opened his eyes and beckoned Lisbon to him.

"Okay, I'm good. Jush, come here," he said to Lisbon and allowed her to throw his right arm over her shoulder. Her left hand came out to steady his back, and her right hand gripped his tightly. She wriggled about in his grasp, trying to distribute their weight evenly. Then she turned concerned, green eyes up at him.

"Ready?"

He nodded his agreement. "Ready."

They took several tentative steps towards the door and Lisbon was pleased to find Jane could indeed walk much steadier than before his little mental exercise.

"See, toldja I was fine," he said, as if reading her thoughts. "You guysh…so silly…I don' get drunk. Not real drunk. Peashants all of you."

"Says the man who just crashed around a doctor's office like all three of the Stooges," Lisbon quipped.

"He's not ah real doctor," Jane argued. "Alright, I wush pretty drunk a few minutes ago, but I'm mush better now."

Lisbon had to agree that he was much more elegant on his feet now, but his speech was definitely still impaired. She could live with that. Jane talked too much anyway, and his mouth wasn't responsible for his mobility so she didn't care if he had trouble operating it for a bit.

"You're right Jane," she said overly brightly. If she kept him happy he'd be more cooperative, and thus easier to navigate out of the building and into the SUV. "You really pulled yourself together just now."

"Was no big deal," he snorted derisively. "Imma not that drunk anyway."

"Sure you aren't." Rigsby huffed under his breath.

Cho simply raised an eyebrow at Jane and Lisbon's retreating forms. They had nearly made it out of the door when Jane paused and pulled his hand out of Lisbon's grasp. The three agents braced themselves for a get away, but Jane didn't make a break for it. Instead, he began running his hand through Lisbon's hair. Cho and Rigsby watched in horrified silence as Jane's face took on a look, they as fellow men, knew all too well. It was the face they'd seen countless male friends make when drunk and enamored with some random tail at a bar.

"Oh no," Rigsby said quietly while staring at the back of Jane's head. "Don't speak, don't speak, whatever you're thinking, don't say it."

"Lishbon, your hair looksh really nice today."

Cho pinched the bridge of his nose. "Too late."

Lisbon simply grabbed Jane's hand back and continued man-handling him out the door. "Alright, time to get you home. If you're complimenting me you're clearly drunk and need to lie down."

"Am not!" Jane cried, "I compliment you…shometimes. I'm allowed to compliment you without being drunk. Jush watch me," he leaned over to nuzzle her ear. "You're looking really hot today Lishbon, really hot."

Jane caught Lisbon so off guard with his drunken ramblings that she forgot to adequately support him, and they slammed into the door jam.

"Jane that is it!" she shook him just a little so he'd understand the seriousness of the situation. "Not another word out of you. March to the jeep right now!"

Lisbon gripped his hand again and started dragging him out of the building. Jane's laughter sounded down the hallway. He clearly enjoyed being able to get under her skin whether he was sober or not.

Cho and Rigsby lasted until Lisbon was out of sight. Then they both doubled over in hysterics.

"We've got…thirty seconds…that's it. Gotta…collect the...evidence," Cho wheezed through his laughter and peered at his digital watch.

Thirty seconds later he raised a hand and called time. His face was once again an impassive mask.

Rigsby stared at his partner in wonder, and continued to guffaw while wiping away tears. "How do you do that man, just turn it off and on like that?"

Cho's expression didn't change, but his voice sounded cockier than usual. "Better than Jane does."

Out of the frying pan and into the fire…

The night was one cliché after another as far as Lisbon was concerned. She'd managed to wrangle Jane out of the frying pan that was crime scene, but now Special Agent J.J. LaRoche of the Professional Standards Unit seemed intent on casting the consultant into the proverbial fire.

"Mr. Jane will answer my questions or face immediate suspension."

Lisbon had tried to maintain the upper hand between the two men, but it was to no avail. LaRoche wanted answers and Jane was willing to provide them, so she had left them to it with a warning. If Jane was not sitting in the passenger side of her departmental SUV in five minutes, she'd come get him herself. Threats or gunpoint whatever it took.

It didn't come to violence however, and Lisbon barely had to time adjust her seatbelt before Jane came weaving towards the SUV.

Shit, she'd forgotten about his limited mobility. She rolled down the window. "Jane are you okay? Can you walk?"

He made a disgusted face. "What doesh it look like em doing? Cart wheels?"

No, but he also wasn't able to walk the yellow line so to speak. Still, she left him to his own devices. It wasn't like he had far to go. Jane made it to the passenger side door clumsily and then began to paw at the door handle. Lisbon leaned over to open the door for him, but the look he gave her and the brief pound of his hand against the window stopped her.

"Fine," she said, knowing he probably couldn't hear her from outside the vehicle. She raised her hands in surrender. "Do it yourself. The floor show should be worth it."

Jane managed to open the door with only a little fumbling before he fell into the SUV. After taking a moment to readjust his body from a sprawled position to one more resembling sitting he let out a heavy sigh.

Any anger Lisbon had been harboring towards him dissolved when she heard that defeated noise. "Long night, hey?" she asked him while rubbing his shoulder. He grunted his concurrence. "It's over now Jane. Let's get you home."

Jane turned to face her with a lecherous grin. "You wanna take me home Lishbon?"

Oh God, not this, not now. How could she stop him from embarrassing them both?

"Well Jane, there's a difference between want and need, and while I may not want to take you home, I kind of need to take you home. You're drunk."

"You need to take me home Lishbon?"

The question was uttered in the same sleepy, bewildered tone he'd used when she'd called him months ago, panicked from the inside of a mansion where she was trapped with a three year old and a bomb. His mumbled, "You need me Lisbon?" had come out in such an unguarded manner, a sexy, unguarded manner, if she was willing to be perfectly honest about it, that she'd almost forgot the child and the bomb for several seconds. Dear Lord, was he going to call her a bad girl again? No, she had to get control of the situation before it devolved further.

Denial, denial
Denial, denial
Your ears should be burning
Denial, denial
Your ears should be burning
Denial, denial

"I'm taking you home because you're drunk Jane. You're going home to sleep it off and hopefully not choke on your own vomit."

"Sleep it off?" He lunged across the seat and ran his hand up her thigh. "To quote you Lishbon… nothing doing."

She swatted at the hand on her thigh, but it made little difference. For all his talk about being smarter than the average bear it turned out that Jane, like most men, became Handsy McDrunk when inebriated. Every time she pushed him off he was on her again like a fat kid on cake. Ordinarily, such advances would have thrilled Lisbon, but right now Jane stunk of whiskey and they were sitting in the middle of a crime scene with fellow officers swarming around.

"Jane get off!" she yelled while slapping his hands away.

He came at her again but she grabbed him by the chin with one hand, and pressed the other into his chest. "Jane, no, no, Jane, look at me," she looked him straight in his unfocused eyes. "Not here. What have I told you? No touching at work. Remember?"

I don't want to be your friend
I just want to be your lover
No matter how it ends
No matter how it starts

She'd made him promise to adhere to this particularly important rule just one month ago when Walter Mashburn had reappeared into their lives. Jane had always pushed Lisbon towards Mashburn claiming she needed a little empty glamour in her world, but it turned out he wasn't so thrilled with idea in practice as opposed to theory. Once he'd realized she'd spent the night with Mashburn, three seconds after clapping eyes on her the next morning, Jane had become sullen and withdrawn.

His behavior over the next few days seemed designed solely to aggravate Lisbon, and once she had confronted him about this fact, Jane had let the truth of the matter come spilling out. Lisbon had been deservedly indignant about the entire thing, and had accused Jane of selfishly manipulating her emotions.

"You don't really want me Jane. You just don't want Mashburn playing with your toys."

"That's not true at all. I want you. Against my better judgment and every rational thought I have, I want you. I'm no candidate for a great love affair Lisbon. You deserve better than me, you deserve someone like Walter. I just, I couldn't, I can't…when you actually went to him…I don't want him touching you!"

"So, you can't have me, but no one else can either? Jane that's not fair! I can't live your celibacy with you."

"I know! I know it's not fair! Nothing about my life since Red John has been fair Lisbon! I also know that anything between us might necessarily come to ruin, but I, I, want, I need to try. Can we try?"

Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine
Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine

Lisbon had wanted to say, do or do not there is no try, but instead she'd told him she'd think about it. She'd still been thinking about it when Rachel Bowman had kidnapped Jane. The sound of his frightened voice coming in and out on her cell phone had shook Lisbon to her core. In the early stages of the investigation Red John was on everyone's mind, but she'd refused to acknowledge that the serial killer could be responsible for Jane's disappearance. If Red John took Jane a second time, chances were, in her mind he wasn't coming back. There was no way she was going to allow that to happen. Not after he'd declared, his, well, not love, but desire to try.

Lisbon finally gave Jane her answer after falling victim to Bowman's plan. He'd been preparing her for the hypnotic state he planned to put her in so Rachel would believe she was dead, and also so Lisbon wouldn't notice all the dead man's blood she was about to be covered in, when she'd whispered softly to him.

"What?"

"I said, if we get out of this, I want to try…with you."

"I, Lisbon, that's great, and I swear this is going to work. We're not going to die here."

He'd been able to lean over just far enough to kiss her on the top of her head before he knelt down to stick his bound hands in the henchman's wounds.

"Oh, jeez, gross. Okay never mind. Lisbon start breathing, slowly and count back from one hundred. Just listen to my voice."

Then he loomed back into her line of sight.

"Listen to my voice Teresa. You're safe, you'll always be safe. You feel safe and protected. Trust me, listen to my voice."

As she felt a heavy weight starting to descend behind her eyelids Lisbon noticed the blood dripping from his hands. She prayed it wasn't an ill omen of things to come if she did trust him.

Fall off the table,
Get swept under
Denial, denial

The infrastructure will collapse
Voltage spikes
Throw your keys in the bowl
Kiss your husband goodnight

"Jane! I said get off!"

She punctuated her scream with a solid shove to his chest.

"Fine, fine, I was jush teasing you Lishbon," he grumbled and fell back against the passenger side window. "Jush like you've been teasing me all day with that hot hair."

She felt his arm dart out again and his hand jump up her thigh. "Jesus Jane!" she grabbed his hand and held it to gear shift with her own. "Not. At. Work."

He gave her a crafty smile. "Then take me home Lishbon, cause I'm gonna world your rock tonight!"

Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine
Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine

Fall off the table,
And get swept under…

TBC…Can Jane live up to his promise(s)?