a/n: i'm backkkkkk bitches. kidding. i didn't mean that. you're all very lovely people. WHAT'S UP? i am very sorry i was gone for so long! i was just uninspired as fuck. but, i am back. and hopefully, not in a disappointing way.
THIS FIC WON BEST CHAPTERED HUMOR FIC. oh my god, you guys are the best. i am NOT funny, but i am glad you guys think so. i love youuuuu. i wanna take you behind a middle school and get all of you pregnant!
SOME MORE RANDOMNESS: my personal canon that jade has the best punctuation in text, & tori over uses caps lock. btw, sorry this is only jade and tori! and is so short. :/ i just wanted to get back in the swing of it, ya know? hopefully i haven't lost the apparent funny-ness i possess.
ALSO (sorry, i'm getting boring/continuing to be boring), the contact names change depending on who they're texting, because the contact names are different in each person's phone. like for tori, jade is "the wicked witch of the West" (punny, huh?), and for jade, tori is Vega.
ALSO i am now going to start each fic with a text from texts from last night :) what can i say, that site is bitching.
(705): All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
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the wicked witch of the West: you really need to get over this whole "jail" thing.
the wicked witch of the West: it's seriously not that bad.
Vega: delete this number from your cellphone NOW jadelyn
the wicked witch of the West: uh-huh, no. but nice try.
Vega: we are NOT FRIENDS and therefore YOU DONT NEED THIS #
the wicked witch of the West: one, you wouldn't last three days without my (reluctant) friendship. and two, again, it was not my fault.
Vega: HOW IS THIS NOT YOUR FAULT
the wicked witch of the West: um. because it is not my fault.
Vega: oh, GOOD answer jadelyn. really enjoy your sass, especially when im pissed as hell at you
the wicked witch of the West: vega. shut the fuck up. you were the one who thought the cops were coming to hang out with us.
Vega: YOU CAN'T HOLD ME RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS WHEN I'M WASTED
Vega: may i remind you it was YOU who got me that way in the first place?
Vega: you were totally trying to have your way with me by getting me drunk.
the wicked witch of the West: you're right. i totally find your skinny chicken legs and small tits super attractive. whoops, sorry tori, it'll never happen again, i can face the fact my love will never go returned now.
Vega: as long as you can deal with the pain.
the wicked witch of the West: stupid bitch.
Vega: ugly skank.
the wicked witch of the West: dumb whore.
Vega: i- i don't have another one.
the wicked witch of the West: you know this means i win.
Vega: …i know!
the wicked witch of the West: i was just informing you!
Vega: well be nicer when you inform!
the wicked witch of the West: i'm not going to be nice when telling you i win. that's gloating time for me.
Vega: ugh. i know.
the wicked witch of the West: yeah, yeah, don't pretend you don't love it. anyways, vega, the question here is…
Vega: what? to be or not to be?
the wicked witch of the West: i'm going to pretend for your sake you're not completely cracking up right now. and that you didn't just make that reference.
Vega: well, next time, don't trail off like that. and shakespeare is super classy!
the wicked witch of the West: you're right. i won't leave you hanging next time lest you decide to throw some weird remedial English thing in my face.
Vega: …lest?
the wicked witch of the West: did you want to hear the question or not?
Vega: fine.
the wicked witch of the West: the question is, how do we keep this… "jail" thing, a secret from those people you force me to sit with at lunch?
Vega: YOU WERE FRIENDS WITH THEM BEFORE ME.
the wicked witch of the West: friends are for the weak.
Vega: shut up. you love all of us. your heart bursts with love for us. BURSTS. and then showers little tiny rainbows and cupcakes (the ones that they sell on valentines day) on top of our heads and we dance around in your delicious, cup-cakey love for us.
the wicked witch of the West: yeah, i'm going to focus on the fact that right now you're telling me you would eat food that was in my body?
Vega: what? wait, no that's not what i meant!
the wicked witch of the West: so, you're saying you want to…
Vega: JADELYN DO NOT FINISH THAT TYPED OUT SENTENCE
Vega: I'M TELLING YOU YOU WILL LIVE TO BE DISGUSTED BY YOURSELF AFTERWARDS
the wicked witch of the West: i think i'll be okay. so, tori, you want to eat me?
Vega: my eyes! MY EYES
the wicked witch of the West: that was appropriately satisfying.
Vega: oh my GOD jade i want to cry that was possibly the most x-rated thing you've said to me
Vega: or anyone
Vega: ever
Vega: IN THE HISTORY OF ALL THINGS YOU'VE SAID THAT ARE INAPPROPRIATE
the wicked witch of the West: first of all, no, that's not the most x-rated thing i've ever said, just ask beck.
Vega: you're lucky i'm used to your guys's insane sex life and am not creeped out by that statement
the wicked witch of the West: whatever, you dated robbie. all your arguments are invalid.
Vega: whoa, offense! that was rude!
the wicked witch of the West: true, though. so true. and continuing my statement from before: secondly, it's not even that x-rated. i really need to start educating you better.
Vega: no. no you don't.
the wicked witch of the West: wait a minute, i'm actually liking this idea. i mean, granted it would require spending more time with you, but you really do need to learn more about the art of fucking.
Vega: oh, jade, come on! at least say "sex", not that word.
the wicked witch of the West: what even, vega? i've heard and seen you say fuck before.
Vega: only on very special occasions!
the wicked witch of the West: "because sikowitz threw a ball at you" doesn't seem like a very special occasion to me.
Vega: well he's never thrown that ball at you! you don't' know the fear that comes with it!
Vega: i mean, just ask cat!
Vega: okay, don't ask cat.
the wicked witch of the West: yeah, i was gonna say.
Vega: ick, whatever. hey, you know, i keep forgetting why we were having this text-convo, but it's because you got me put into jail! let's talk about that for a second!
the wicked witch of the West: okay.
Vega: wait, really?
the wicked witch of the West: if by "a second" you literally mean a second.
Vega: yep, there it is.
Vega: i do not literally mean a second. i mean, i'm still very angry about it!
the wicked witch of the West: why are you angry? i totally saved you from that creep who looked like sinjin's weird older cousin
Vega: what? i don't remember that
the wicked witch of the West: you don't?
Vega: no! what happened?
the wicked witch of the West: well he came up to you and tried to smell your neck. luckily, at this point you were still half-sober, so you pushed him away, thank god.
Vega: oh, that's all? you really worried had me there, jadelyn, thanks a lot.
the wicked witch of the West: nope, not the end of it. later, he came up to you (i think he was following us) and he said "remember me, i'm that creepy older guy from mclaren's". you replied with "i love mature men!"
the wicked witch of the West: i bet he didn't expect THAT line to work.
Vega: oh my god! jade!
Vega: never let me get drunk again!
the wicked witch of the West: not getting someone drunk? i'm sorry, that's against my non-religion.
Vega: whatever. and ew, i do not have a thing for older guys!
the wicked witch of the West: well, apparently, drunk!tori does.
Vega: that could be a problem in the future. i probably should not go out alone/be drunk for a while.
the wicked witch of the West: i'd say good plan, but andre's birthday is coming up,
Vega: yeah, this friday. don't forget to be an actual present this time, by the way. ugh, and i can't miss it, he's my best friend!
the wicked witch of the West: alright, i'll watch out for any molesters. until i'm too drunk to do it anymore, at which case i'm sure andre will take over.
Vega: aww, jade! that's a really nice offer! I'M SO PROUD OF YOU. growth!
the wicked witch of the West: um, contraire, mi nair. and don't get weird and start congratulating me on improvement. you sound like beck.
Vega: do i really sound that pretentious? i'm sorry.
the wicked witch of the West: whoa, whoa, burn! vega! way to step it up! oh my god, i'm so using that one the next time beck gets super annoying.
Vega: i think i should say "thank you" right now but i'm not totally sure.
the wicked witch of the West: thank you is the right response.
Vega: alright. thank you.
Vega: can i add a smiley face?
the wicked witch of the West: no.
Vega: okay. but i hope you know i'm thinking it.
the wicked witch of the West: i do, and don't worry, it disturbs me just as greatly as it would have if you had actually sent it.
Vega: yay!
Vega: that's all i ask for.
the wicked witch of the West: uh-huh. well, i've got to go, i'm at the RV and you know what that means.
Vega: you and beck are going to have another cutesy full house marathon and you'll feast on the cupcakes he baked for you?
Vega: i'm pointing out the fact that you guys are super adorable and you can't even deny it :)
the wicked witch of the West: vega! smiley face! we JUST talked about this!
Vega: sorry! but, really. you guys are like one of those fairytales...
the wicked witch of the West: oh my god, you're the worst. now i don't even want to hang out with him.
Vega: yeah you do. you're clutching your heart and swooning like some old time princess.
the wicked witch of the West: i'm really, really not.
Vega: sure.
the wicked witch of the West: i will actually come over there and kick your ass.
Vega: you'll never actually do it.
the wicked witch of the West: do you really want to take that chance, though?
Vega: ...no?
the wicked witch of the West: good answer. so, i'm leaving this lame conversation. bye, or whatever.
the wicked witch of the West: by the way, we start "the art of fucking 101" on monday.
Vega: no we don't.
the wicked witch of the West: i'd bring a notebook. i tend to get demonstrative.
Vega: just for that: :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
the wicked witch of the West: vega! bitch!
Vega: freak!
the wicked witch of the West: whore!
Vega: you're fat!
the wicked witch of the West: you're ugly.
Vega: ...so, see you on monday?
the wicked witch of the West: yeah, yeah.
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