Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN –MAN.

Summary: Two years ago, Kanda threw something akin to his life – something he long ago forbidden himself to desire – but he did anyway. "To tell you the truth, I've just been avoiding everything."

Edited: December 13, 2010 (I edited (added and removed) some parts. Unfortunately still UNBETAed.

"Life doesn't hurt that much

until you think about how much things have changed,

who you've lost along the way,

and how much of it was your fault."

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No pulse…

Is he dead? Call the medical team!

The other boy was still breathing!

Go get a stretcher! Hurry!

The other's dead?

Yeah…Time of death: 6:45pm.

How about the other boy?

He's breathing, labored, but breathing nevertheless. We need to get him to the hospital immediately!

It seems like he protected this boy… with his body.

That explains the injuries he received. His body was almost… unrecognizable.

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Kanda Yuu opened his eyes and sat abruptly at the edge of the huge dark-blue bed. He felt that usual tinge of pain again in the left side of his chest and he was sure as hell that he just dreamt of that unforgiving dream again. His face, as empty of emotion as ever betrayed the chaotic feelings whirling inside of him. He stared at the small light coming from the left window of his room where he can hear those little chirpings of the morning birds that were fond of circling at the gingko tree outside every dawn. Kanda dragged himself to the bathroom and stared at his reflection illuminating in the mirror. The image was a wonderful picture emptiness – a lifeless soul inside a worthless human body. His long deep blue hair was loose in its usual pony tail and his shirtless upper body was showing an unhealthy shade of white – much paler than its usual flush. He tore his eyes away from the lifeless image in the mirror and sluggishly went to the bathtub, plunging himself onto it without even setting the normal temperature usual for morning baths. The young man almost jumped at the hostile and low temperature but forced himself to remain. He shuddered violently at the freezing water, teeth suddenly grinding. Sometimes, Kanda punishes himself in every way possible – even in the feeblest way possible known to man. As long as he can feel some pain and suffering through it, and it makes Kanda feel… a little bit alive… and that's all that matters to the raven man.

After his cold bath, his gaze lingered at the thing hanging near the sink at the left side of the room. A dark-blue towel was carefully tucked together with his blackberry cellular phone and a map. Kanda continued to stare at the inanimate object, not even blinking as he walked his way towards the sink. The cold floor was as merciless as the freezing water in the morning and a different kind of warm feeling was suddenly shrouding Kanda as he stared at the towel in front of him. A warm feeling that he didn't only ignored before, but cruelly and hardheartedly shunned that now brings Kanda that kind of excruciating pain on his chest over and over again - thumping and thrashing onto his heart, begging and viciously working its way to be free.

His face, now agonizingly distorted of immense pain, grabbed the little piece of fabric onto his hands and brought it in to his face – where tiny blobs of tears were now threatening to fall down to his ruggedly pale cheeks.

"Allen…"

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"Yuu! C'mon! It's your birthday yet you are secluding yourself here. Why don't you join us at the garden?"
A red-haired boy was tugging Kanda's arms, insisting that he join that revelry outside the huge mansion, decorating the colossal garden of their family with embellishment that will make any boy their age drool.

"C'mon, Yuu! Don't be a killjoy. It's your party!"

"Stop pulling my hand Lavi. I'm fine here inside. You go there yourself."

"But it's your birthday party!"

"Exactly." He threw Lavi his infamous death glare. "It's my 'birthday party', so I'll decide whether I'll go there or not. Now, scram."

Lavi sighed and stared at the fifteen year old boy of a cousin and pouted. Yuu was such a spoiler. Their uncle tried his hardest to organize this celebration but the star wasn't even interested! He sighed again, shifting his stance. "Alright, I won't force you now. But you definitely have to go there later, okay? The kid was waiting there, you know. He was so excited this morning about your birthday."

Kanda silently stirred upon hearing that.

"He got you a present. He personally knitted that, you know. I heard from his old man that the kid stayed late for a week just to finished that before this day. Don't make him cry, Yuu."

Kanda just tch'ed and continue reading the book on his palm.

After a minute of silence, a sound of feet running suddenly echoed on Kanda's ears. His heartbeat quickened, making the young man loose his concentration in reading.

"Kanda! Kanda!"

That voice.

It's him.

"Kanda! Kanda!"

Kanda gathered all the animosity that he could muster.

"Shut the fuck up moyashi. I'm reading here." He said, loud enough to be heard by the 'unexpected' guest.

The hurrying footsteps diminished. After a few seconds, a familiar white hair suddenly popped at the threshold of his room.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" He asked even if he knew exactly why the eleven-year-old boy was here.

The kid flinched at the harsh words and stiffened when he saw that Kanda wasn't exactly at his best mood – not that Kanda has any 'best' mood.

"I-I brought you y-your p-present… K-kanda-nii…"

The long-haired kid's eyes narrowed and his lips twitched in annoyance.

"I don't want it." He deadpanned, still eyeing the fidgeting kid in front of him who visibly flinched when he heard his response.

A painful minute of silence passed through them. Kanda, who was still as cold as ever even though he wasn't talking, glared at the kid that was now trembling in Kanda's presence. A small pang of guilt washed through Kanda's chest when he saw the kid's face reddened while gripping a nice silver-blue box behind his back. The long-haired man bit his lips, not allowing himself to say anything while guilt and ache painstakingly stabbing him in his very core.

"I-I understand… I'll just b-buy you a-another one a-again then. W-what would you l-like to have Kanda-nii?" He said, his voice was unmistakably masked with faked happiness while showing Kanda his toothy smile.

"I don't want anything."

The white-haired kid looked down on his shoes. "I-is that so…"

Silence again.

"H-how about a n-new sweater Kanda- ni – "

"Can't you understand? I do not want anything! Why can't you just leave me alone?" Kanda's voice was burning and the younger kid trembled at the sight of this.

"I-I u-understand… H-happy birthday… Kanda-nii…" he said smiling and dropped his head. This made Kanda cringe and bite his lips. He's rudely pushing him away, provoking him, making him hate Kanda and yet the kid still greeted him, smiling, on top of that.

The kid slowly turned his back on Kanda and hurriedly ran away from the birthday celebrant, leaving the older boy gritting his teeth in immense self-loathing.

A loud bang in the table was heard echoing in that room afterwards and dripping of some spill of blood.

Kanda was utterly confused – and downright angry at himself.

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After the party, which ended without him joining on it, much to his family dismay, the birthday celebrant strode outside the grand hallway of the mansion, his feet seeking someone from the room at the end of the antechamber. He slowly opened the huge and meticulously crafted door that made no sound as he continued opening it, revealing a colossal bedroom that was painted with spotless color of white. A huge bed with satin covers was cuddling a white-haired kid and an unopened gift was beside him, his right hand hugging the silver-blue box. A tender pair of eyes watched the kid as he calmly breathed while eyes were visibly swollen and showed an utterly obvious indication the he cried to sleep. Kanda gritted his teeth while slowly taking the box away from the kid's grasp and a hushed and gentle 'thanks' was heard whispering in the wind.

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Kanda preceded to his regular routines every break of the day. He made his breakfast – bergamot tea and loaves of bread – as he reads his morning newspaper. He'll read the section where missing people was posted wearing a blatantly bushed face expression even though he just woke up as he checked his own ad that he posted ten months ago – that he made sure to renew every week just to be sure that people from across the city and the outskirts of the town could read it. Those people could probably already memorize all the content of the advertisement, maybe sick of it by now – but Kanda couldn't care less. The newspaper company had already told him too that he should stop renewing because ten months was just too long for an ad and those ugly faces had the nerve to advised him that he should probably give-up because maybe the person he was looking for was already outside the country by now that just earned a death-defying yell and glare from him. Some people had already called, claiming that they knew the person in the ad's whereabouts, giving the long-haired man a tiny glimpse of hope that maybe, after months of suffering and sleepless nights, he could finally dropped his knees in front of that person and finally seek forgiveness – if he would ever forgive him, that is. He always dreamt about him – about how he was suffering – crying while asking for his help. Agony was contorting his beautiful and naive face and those ash-colored eyes were glistening of anguish and misery. Yet, even in dreams, he still don't know where he is – he still couldn't help him – and most of all, he still couldn't reach him no matter how far he ran and no matter how loud he scream. It was always the same – he will always wake up alone, sometimes even screaming his name.

Kanda was always the first one to arrive at the meeting place given by the caller only to find out later that some damned human was just trying to get fucking money from him, which what Kanda exactly did – he just shoved it to the damnable creature's mouth, making sure that those bastards died choking on it.

Then, after a while, he'll go to the obituaries section and as he much hated doing it, he knew that had to. He had to search everywhere. His heart was always racing whenever he read that section and he felt that his heart was always doomed to stop beating every time he find a name starts with letter 'A'. Television and radio stations, police, and even the internet – he already tried all of those. But none had successfully brought him the information he desperately needed. It's as if that person was constantly avoiding Kanda. And that 'he' knew that he was searching for him and he was dreadfully erasing any information about himself.

After that, he will check his e-mail and his many accounts in different sites that help people to find their missing loved ones and offer support.

There were a lot of sites that Kanda joined these last few months. He clicked a new site that he saw and waited patiently as he opened the website.

Missing People offers a lifeline for the 250,000 people who run away and go missing each year. For those left behind, we search and provide specialized support to end the heartache and confusion. Registered Charity No. 1020419.

Kanda clicked the 'Join' button and filled up necessary information about his case. He never got tired doing all of this every day. If that meant that he was getting close to finding him again, then so be it. But unfortunately, Kanda still remained in the dark. The longing was almost killing him and it didn't help knowing the fact that he was the one who drove that person away from his side.

He can still remember that day where the smells of blood like rusting iron was painfully swirling right under his nose – where it was almost suffocating him, enabling him to walk forward the scene. There was a immense amount of blood dripping everywhere Kanda laid his eyes, and the almost unrecognizable body of his cousin, brutally killed in a freak accident with his close friend who miraculously survived, was being dragged in front of him. He felt his hands furiously trembled but at the same time, his body and mind was slowly becoming numb.

The world, after spinning so fast on Kanda suddenly came to halt.

Lavi Bookman, age 21, was declared dead on the spot while Allen Walker, 15 years old, was declared alive.

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Lavi was a red-haired kid and Kanda's only known cousin. They both lived in their Uncle Froi Tiedoll's house who both treated them like a real father would. The red-haired kid was the cheerful one while the long-haired kid was always the reserved one. Kanda was eight years old and Lavi was nine when Allen first came to their life who was only three years old then. He was with his father (or so they first thought) named Mana Walker and the kid's cheerfulness was almost akin to Lavi's except to the patently difference when it comes to manners. The kid instantly liked the boys calling them nii-chan. Since then, the three of them became inseparable.

Lavi was the constant companion of Allen. The two of them were always playing and never did Lavi left the kid on his own. Kanda, on the other hand, remained detached to the world. He was persistently being bugged by his cousin to have fun and play with the kid but he will just glare at Lavi that will automatically make Allen cry. Lavi will now move to his last resort: to make Yuu-chan guilty with his 'Aww.. You made him cry Yuu! You're bad! Bad!' words and it was always (surprisingly) effective. Gritting his teeth, Kanda will attempt to soften his face, removing any marks of scowls and the likes as he patted the kid the snowy locks of Allen.

"D-don't cry. I-i'm not angry at you."

The adorable white-haired will now be sniffling, and will try to contain his cries. If Kanda-nii said so, then it's the truth. He will slowly approach his Kanda-nii and hugged him while the three year-old kid closed his eyes. There was always peace when he was with these two people. A warm feeling he always felt when Mana was holding his hands. And for that, it was alright for Allen to get shouted by Kanda. If that meant that he can hug him like this, then it was more than enough to the kid.

Lavi knew that his cousin also loves seeing the white-haired kid running inside their home – hearing his lively laughter that they knew they desperately needed to hear. The red-haired kid was quite aware that his cousin was just too stubborn to show these things to Allen. It was Kanda who had the most painful past after all. While Lavi had already learned how to masked his emotions and act happy whenever he pleases, Kanda remained repugnant and hostile towards people who tried approaching him. This Lavi knew well. That's why he always made sure that Kanda always see Allen whenever the kid's inside Tiedoll's mansion. The kid always cries whenever he saw the long-haired kid, but had developed a habit of clinging onto Kanda until he succumbed to sleep.

Lavi, watching at the sideline, will smile widely as watched his cousin awkwardly hugging a certain albino-head kid while warmth and affection were radiating on his aura and undeniably leaking through his deep-blue eyes.

Life never did treat these three fair.

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"The bitterest tears shed over graves

are for words left unsaid

and deeds left undone."

Author's Note: This will be a two-part story – originally. I dunno. I actually planned to make this a long one-shot but I was kinda having problems writing this long.

Please review :) They're forever welcome… And it always motivates people to write more, believe me. ^_^