Breaking Dawn: The Abridged Version (Part 2)
[Fortunately, the author was immortal anyway and a mere spontaneous combust was not enough to kill her, as much as she would have liked. So she continues:]
Bella remains passed out for the majority of the sex scene because Smeyer couldn't get away with selling sex to children. Please note this is rape because she could have withdrawn her consent at any time while she was unconscious. If you don't believe the author, Google it. Two weeks later:
BELLA: Oh holy crap, I'm pregnant!
EDWARD: NO IT MUST BE THE SPAWN OF SATAN!
AUTHOR: How right you are...
EDWARD: We must contact Carlisle immediately. His British know-how will surely save us!
CARLISLE: My British know-how has just saved you! Come home immediately.
They return to Forks. Bella's pregnancy is accelerating at an alarming rate, despite the fact her skin and abdominal muscle wall would probably have split by now from the internal stretching.
EDWARD: It is killing you! You must have an abortion!
SMEYER: NEVER! God will never approve and neither will stupid American tweens and their mothers!
ROSALIE: I'm being possessive of a baby that isn't mine! I hope Bella dies so I get to look after the evil mutant spawn!
BELLA: OH GOD THE PAIN THE IMMORTAL SORROW!
Meanwhile, on the reservation.
WOLF1: Holy shit, Bella's pregnant!
WOLF2: Let's kill her!
WOLF3: Yay!
JACOB: NEVER! I'M LEAVING FOR NO ADEQUATELY EXPLORED REASON OTHER THAN THE FACT YOU WANT TO HAVE BELLA KILLED FOR PERFECTLY REASONABLE REASONS.
Back at the vampire treehouse.
BELLA: AAAAARG THE IMMORTAL PAIN – I think I have a connection with the child – THE IMMORTAL SORROW AAAAAARG!
EDWARD: That is of course a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why she should not abort the foetus that could potentially end her life and cause her immense pain and suffering.
SMEYER: Of course! She loves it!
Two days later, the baby is being born. Well, 'born' is not the right word for it, really. If you've ever seen that movie 'Alien' you know what's going to happen. If not, look away now.
BELLA: ARRRG IT'S SO PAINFUL!
EDWARD: ARRRG IT'S SO DISGUSTING!
JACOB: ARRRG WHY AM I EVEN IN HERE!
RENESMEE: OM NOM NOM BELLA'S FLESH
BELLA: HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIT!
EDWARD: KILL IT WITH FIREEEEEEEEE!
JACOB: I LOVE IT!
AUTHOR: Paedophile...
EDWARD: OM NOM NOM BELLA'S VEINS
And so Renesmee was born in a manor almost as stupid as her name, which is a testament to why you should never allow someone on morphine to choose a baby's name. Bella was also turned into a vampire due to the hideous injuries she sustained during the spawning, despite the fact Renesmee would have chewed through many of her vital organs in an attempt to escape. Bella later wakes up and finds out she's a vampire and her daughter is downstairs.
CARLISLE: But she's inexplicably part human! You may want to nom her!
BELLA: SHE IS MY SPAWN. I MUST GREET MY SPAWN.
CARLISLE: Fine. But you aren't going to like what you named her...
BELLA: As long as I didn't name her something stupid, I'm okay!
CARLISLE: About that, ah...
BELLA: I totally did, didn't I?
CARLISLE: Yeah. You named her Renesmee. Did you literally just mumble random syllables and hope they sounded coherent?
BELLA: That's about right.
EDWARD: MY LOVE!
BELLA: MY LOVE! WHERE IS OUR SPAWN – I mean, DAUGHTER (thing)?
EDWARD: Over there.
Rosalie and Jacob are sitting on a sofa cuddling the toddler Renesmee. Jacob is looking at it with creepy, lustful eyes.
SMEYER: No, he's looking at her with loving eyes. There is a difference!
AUTHOR: HE. IS. A. PAEDOPHILE. WHAT PART OF 'CHILD LOVER' DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?
SMEYER: He had no choice!
AUTHOR: Everyone has a choice! And there's always therapy!
BELLA: MY BEAUTIFUL SPAWN!
EDWARD: OH MY ME, SHE ISN'T TRYING TO EAT IT.
BELLA: Well duh, it's my baby...
EDWARD: YOUR MARY-SUE POWERS REALLY DO WORK WONDERS, OH GREAT SMEYER!
SMEYER: THANKS!
CARLISLE: We invited the Denali clan down for lunch. They're otherwise completely insignificant.
IRINA: I MUST GO TO ITALY BECAUSE I WANT TO TELL ON BELLA BECAUSE I RANDOMLY HATE HER.
Several pages later
ALICE: The Volturi are coming again! And they want to kill Renesmee!
AUTHOR: YAY!
EVERYONE ELSE: NOOO!
CARLISLE: Phone every other vampire clan you know that doesn't like the Volturi. That should be most of them. Ask them to come over. We're going to have a massive Battle Royale!
AUTHOR: YAY! CERTAIN DEATH!
Various other insignificant vampires with stupid names trickle in. Most of them are boring, but the highlights are the super hot Amazon babes, who come scantily clad in leather and fur, the Romanian coven who come dressed as medieval chain mail wearing harlots, the European nomads who come dressed as sexy courtesans and the Egyptian coven who come in nothing but loincloths.
BELLA: I have just discovered by super-special-awesome power that can totally defeat everything and anything! I can make shields of lurrrve!
AMAZONBABE1: I'll help you make it all better...
BELLA: Thanks, but I'm not really into that...
AMAZONBABE2: Sure?
BELLA: Maybe...
This too has been censored because my computer would probably blow up at the sheer horror of any more sex between kinky vampires.
RENESMEE: I'm now about six, even though I'm only two days old! This makes Jacob having sex with me all okay because I'm not normal, therefore laws of decency don't apply to me!
JACOB: You can say that again, babe...
AUTHOR: MY EYES.
Sometime later the Volturi arrive. They too are in their customary vinyl and leather; Aro is wheeled in on some kind of bizarre adjustable bondage contraption made mostly of rusty metal and leather straps, Caius is trying out asphyxiation by hanging himself from a portable gallows and Marcus is crawling in on his hands and knees being whipped from behind by Jane, who is in her ero-loli dress again. Felix is a cat.
ARO: Bella! We meet again, though it is a shame I couldn't convince you to join our little club back in Italy, where pleasure and pain are one and the same thing.
MARCUS: It is truly exquisite, feeling a good, hard-
AUTHOR: MY EYES
ARO: Hand over the immoral – I mean, immortal child, and you shall live!
BELLA: NEVER!
There is a massive non-battle which totally wasted half of the rainforest printing shit nobody cares about. The Cullens technically win because they don't die.
CAIUS: Well, since we came all the way out here for nothing, let's just kill someone for the hell of it. Any volunteers?
ARO: No?
JANE: Let's kill Irina; she had no real part in the entire series anyway so no one will miss her!
They proceed to kill Irina in a very sexually degrading way that has been censored because snuff fetish is not allowed on .
ARO: Right, back to Italy. Have fun being boring for all eternity.
JACOB: Oh, I will...
AUTHOR: MY EYES