Splinters

Word Count: 4.149

Summary: Sometimes, Jack feels like a splinter or an echo of his past life and the waiting gets too much.

Characters: Jack Harkness, Ianto Jones, OC

Pairing: Jack/Ianto

Rating: R
Spoiler: Out of time
Setting: after Out of time
Warnings: Language, there's a dub-con situation bordering on non-con
Feedback: Can't breathe without it.

Beta: Vistin – always a critic, almost never wrong. ;) Thanks. alt_universe_me, who made rethink the end.

Disclaimer: I'm not making money with this fanfic. The tv-show Torchwood and the characters appearing within it belong to their producers and creators. Any similarities to living or dead persons are purely coincidental and not intended.

XXX

XXX

Sometimes, Jack was a different man.

Not the flirt, the go-getter or the worried leader, not the reliable friend, but a reflection of all the bad and painful days he'd experienced.

Then he felt the splinters of what he'd been – the man who'd tortured, fought, betrayed and killed for money – digging into his soul. The frustration over his immortality, the pain of never being able to leave, got worse when that happened.

There had been a time when he'd drowned that pain with alcohol and sex. But ever since he'd taken a command and the responsibility for four young people, he'd managed to imprison the darkness inside of him to be able to focus on what was best for them.

He'd succeeded for a long time. He'd almost believed that he was able to live with those scars from his past now. He'd almost believed that he was alright with his place on Earth, at least for the time being. But John Ellis' death had proven him wrong. It had shown him that he didn't belong here, that nothing here was his to take because this wasn't his world, his time or his people. The frustration and desperation had returned with a vengeance, stronger than ever, and the presence of his too-mortal team made it worse.

Jack summed up the time he'd spent here, living a life without a goal, waiting, and the frustration turned to rage. He wondered if the Doctor wasn't coming to Cardiff because he knew that Jack was here. He was waiting for so long now, too long. As long as his questions remained unanswered by the Doctor, Jack couldn't find peace. As long as he didn't know who he was – what he was – he couldn't fully commit to anyone because no one was able to understand him, not even himself. His marriages and relationships had broken under the strain of his insecurities and longing for answers no human could give him. Even his friendships had suffered so that he didn't let anyone come too close nowadays. No one was allowed to see his ugly side.

He stared into his dimly lit office and tried to ignore Gwen and Ianto's shadows that were stopping just outside the door time and time again without entering, banned by the closed blinds. The team seemed to feel that Jack was having one of his bad phases. They left him alone and he told himself that he liked it that way. Jack curled his hands into fists, wishing for a Weevil army to attack Cardiff just to enable him to turn his rage into something useful. But when one needed the creatures, they kept quiet. When one needed the Rift, it didn't even hiccup.

The door opened and Jack stared, irritated and questioning, at Ianto.

"Lunch?" Ianto asked, holding up a pizza box.

Jack turned his head away. "No."

Ianto closed the door and put the pizza on the desk.

"You didn't have any breakfast."

The smell of salami was slowly permeating the office. Jack watched Ianto gathering some forms Jack had signed the day before, sticking them under his armpit. Then he put three request forms in front of him.

"Signature, please."

Reluctantly, Jack grabbed a pen and signed the forms. Ianto nodded at him.

"We still have to file the budget request with the PM-"

"Ianto!" Jack interrupted him harshly.

Ianto looked at him calmly.

"Sir?"

"Tomorrow."

"No. You avoided doing it the whole week. I already had to beg Mildred twice to give us more time and she told me that we have to file it today at the latest. Midnight, Jack."

Jack pressed his fists down on the desk.

"Then you do it."

"I can't. There are parts of the budget I have no right to see. I need you."

Jack thinned his lips and turned his chair away from Ianto. Ianto sighed softly.

"You can have the afternoon, alright? I'll stay longer and we-"

"You're going home like everybody else." Jack's determined voice was cutting through the tension in the room.

"But, Jack-"

"I don't want to see you here this evening, Ianto. Not for the budget or anything else for that matter. I don't need you." Jack knew that his words were uncalled-for. The silence enveloping the room was proof of that. But he knew that Ianto would swallow the underlying insult, the perfect assistant.

He was right, because Ianto just cleared his throat and said stiffly, "We have to send the budget today, sir. Midnight."

Jack still refused to look at Ianto. Soft steps indicated that the young man was heading for the door.

"Ianto," he said harshly, "take the damn pizza with you!" Jack heard Ianto obey and then close the door.

XXX

Ianto created a lie and spent his first thirty minutes at home talking to the prime minister's PA, trying to explain to her why they would need more time. Mildred sighed in annoyance.

"Ianto, that's the absolute last extension I can give you."

"You're an angel," he said, leaning against his fridge. "There was just so much to do today. The last week was horrible."

"Hm," Mildred said, not convinced. "Tell your captain that paper work is important. Torchwood gets paid by the government and you have to obey some of our restrictions."

"I'll tell him."

"Not that he cares about that," Mildred muttered. "He's lucky that he's so pretty to look at."

Ianto laughed.

"I'll tell him that, too."

"Tomorrow at midnight, Ianto." She hung up.

Ianto sighed deeply. He went to the stove and unenthusiastically stared into the pot of soup heating up. He shook his head, suddenly not hungry any more, turned off the stove and left the kitchen.

There were mounds of folders scattered on his coffee table. Ianto sat on the floor, his back resting against the couch, and started to do some calculations. He wanted to try and prepare as much as possible so that Jack would only need to add his part to the request tomorrow morning. Of course, only if Jack was more cooperative than today.

Irritated, Ianto tried to focus on his work, but Jack's odd behaviour didn't leave his thoughts. This morning, he'd just known that Jack would be difficult to handle all day. His bad mood had encompassed the whole Hub and poisoned the air. After Jack had yelled at Owen because the doctor had asked him to join them for breakfast, the team kept its distance.

Fortunately, the Rift had been quiet all day. Owen, Tosh and Gwen had left as soon as they could. Ianto had stayed behind, hoping that Jack would change his mind about filing the budget, but he'd given up late in the evening and left the captain to brood.

The problem wasn't Jack's bad mood, the problem was Ianto not knowing what had happened. All of them had good and bad days, but every time at least one of the team knew what had happened or they found out. But Jack was kind of unpredictable in that regard.

Yesterday, everything had been alright. They'd had an exhausting day but Jack had cheered all of them up during dinner with a smile and a couple of jokes before Owen, Tosh and Gwen had left. Ianto had stayed for a bit longer. Then he'd left as well.

He wondered now if he should have stayed. Something had happened with Jack in those few hours. Maybe it was just because Jack had been alone in the Hub for the first time in a week. The last six nights, Ianto had slept in Jack's bed. Ever since John Ellis' death. Maybe he shouldn't have left him alone. Ianto knew just how hard Jack had taken John's death.

He startled when the doorbell rang. Frowning, he looked at the clock. It was too late for visitors – Ianto never even expected visitors. His flat was a safe haven, his shield against the rest of the world. Not even Tosh had been here until now – not even Jack.

There was a loud knock and then the bell was rung again, and Ianto got up with an irritated sigh.

Before he was able to open the door all the way, Jack was already marching past him.

"Sir?" Ianto asked and Jack turned around to face him.

"Ianto," he answered. Ianto closed the door and crossed his arms. He felt exposed wearing only a t-shirt and tracksuit bottoms while Jack had even buttoned up his coat.

"Cold outside," the captain said, grinning. It seemed false. Jack's hand opened the buttons on his coat while his eyes were scanning the small hallway and the part of the living room he could see through the open door. Then he looked at Ianto again, showing off another false grin, before he suddenly pinned him against the wall, kissing him. Ianto made a startled sound and put his hands on Jack's shoulders automatically. Jack deepened the kiss, then he lost his balance and stumbled a step way from Ianto. He managed to not break the lip-lock, though, and chuckled against Ianto's mouth. Ianto realized that Jack had been drinking. And that he'd been drinking way more than he usually did. One of Jack's hands burrowed in Ianto's hair and the other settled on his hip. He pulled him closer, then he pressed him against the wall with his whole body.

Ianto could feel Jack getting hard. Jack pushed one of his thighs between Ianto's legs and applied pressure on Ianto's cock. His hand trailed from Ianto's hip around to his back and under the seam of his bottoms to touch his arse.

"You could warm me up," Jack whispered. His other hand crept under Ianto's t-shirt – Ianto flinched when the cold skin touched his – and his nails left little indentations in his chest. Jack kissed him again, passionately and deeply.

Ianto had trouble catching his breath because Jack was still pinning him against the wall, kissing him with everything he had. Ianto turned his head away.

"Jack, stop it," he panted breathlessly. The captain shook his head and caught Ianto's lips for another kiss. Ianto chuckled until he remembered that he was supposed be angry. He pushed Jack away, without any real force behind the motion, which was why the other man was back kissing his neck in no time.

"Jack," Ianto smiled. "Forget it. You have to apologize first." He wasn't being serious and Jack seemed to know that because he tried to get rid of Ianto's t-shirt. Ianto cupped Jack's face and dropped a kiss on his lips.

"You're impossible," he said and Jack froze. He raised his head to look at Ianto and he would have taken a step back if hadn't already been standing with his back to the wall. Jack's eyes had a feverish gleam in them, impatient and angry. There wasn't even a hint of the usually happy, calm, passionate, teasing or at least friendly spark Ianto knew from the times he'd shared Jack's bed. Suddenly, Jack's grin after his arrival seemed mechanical and his actions cold and clinical. And coldness wasn't something Ianto could associate with Jack in the bedroom, no matter how exhausting the day had been or how tired or irritated Jack was. Something was wrong.

"Jack?"

The other man's hands were pulling at Ianto's t-shirt again, ignoring his words completely, and Ianto realized that Jack didn't even want to see him as a person. And that wasn't like the man Ianto knew. He was a complete stranger. The game morphed into something different, something frightening. Ianto hurried to pull his t-shirt down and Jack growled impatiently. Ianto shook his head.

"Jack, wait. It's not that easy."

Jack silenced him with another – almost painful – kiss and grabbed Ianto's tracksuit bottoms. This time, Ianto didn't only turn away his head but his whole body. Jack followed him and pinned him against the wall.

"Don't be such a tease."

His hands were on Ianto's hips and their grip was bordering on painful, his fingers digging into Ianto's flesh. Ianto frowned, pushing against Jack's chest. He was losing control, frighteningly quickly, and a cold feeling settled around his neck. Jack was an attentive lover. Sometimes they got rough during sex but until now, Ianto had always been able to trust that Jack knew if he really didn't want something. To hold onto him even though Ianto turned away wasn't like him. Ianto's breathing became erratic and he grabbed Jack's wrists.

"Jack, please … let go."

Jack grabbed Ianto's hands and pinned them to the wall on both sides of his hips.

"It's just a game," he grinned.

"I don't want to play," Ianto answered defiantly, staring at Jack. He was getting scared and panic was clogging up his throat, making it harder to breathe. His heartbeat was loud enough for Ianto to hear it rushing in his ears. Ianto wriggled and the captain let go of his hands. For a moment, Ianto thought that Jack had come to his senses and would pull away any second but Jack started kissing him again. Ianto choked out a "No" and forced him back. Acting on instinct, he pushed a knee against the other man's and tripped him with one of his legs behind Jack's. Jack's head hit the floor with a dull thud and his small cry of pain made Ianto realize what he'd just done. Shocked, he gasped and took a step towards Jack but the captain was getting up without his help. The murderous look in his eyes pinned Ianto back against the wall, still catching his breath. He tried to calm down but he didn't really manage it. Jack got up and rushed towards him. Even though he stopped with a few inches of distance between them, Ianto flinched and pulled up his shoulders.

"I said no," Ianto whispered, almost in disbelief, then he repeated, louder, "I said no, Jack."

Jack stared at him furiously.

"What's your problem? It was good enough for you yesterday."

"You didn't act like a complete bastard yesterday!" Defensive anger coloured Ianto's voice and when Jack jutted his chin out, Ianto straightened his shoulders. "You should leave."

Jack laughed coldly.

"You're throwing me out."

It wasn't a question so Ianto didn't answer. Jack turned away and rubbed his head where it had hit the floor. He seemed to calm down and Ianto breathed a soft sigh of relief. He crossed his arms hesitantly and tried to sound soothing when he asked, "What's going on?"

Jack laughed bitterly but he didn't answer.

"Jack?"

The captain whirled around to him and Ianto, startled, flinched back.

"You have no right asking me that question, Ianto. You're the one I fuck now and then but that's all there is to it, understood?" The last word was delivered with a hit against the wall near Ianto's head and the young man raised his hands defensively. He realized with a shock that they were trembling and tried to cover it up by curling them into fists. Jack was still staring at him angrily.

Ianto swallowed and took a deep breath to ban the tremor from his voice.

"Leave." He stared at Jack firmly, his back straight and his hands raised. "Leave or I will make you."

Jack laughed derisively.

Ianto's voice took on a cutting edge, "Don't think that I can't, Jack."

The captain stepped closer, crowding Ianto against the wall. Ianto's right hand touched Jack's chest threatingly and he stared into his eyes defiantly. Jack took a step back and ducked his head, looking insecure for a moment. Then his pride won out and he sneered.

"You know what? I was getting fed up with you anyway." He left, slamming the door on his way out.

XXX

Ianto didn't sleep.

He left for work early in the morning and served Jack his first coffee of the day while the captain was still in the shower. When the others arrived and called out their greetings, Jack smiled at them. He seemed to be more relaxed and calm than the day before and asked his team after their progress in their individual projects before they all sat down to have breakfast. While cleaning up the boardroom afterwards, Ianto wondered if he'd hallucinated what had happened the night before, but then he caught Jack's eye and the captain ducked his head. He kept his distance from Ianto the rest of the day and Ianto didn't try to engage in conversation with him. Gwen, Owen and Tosh left early, headed for a pub. Ianto shook his head when they invited him to come with them and when Owen joked about working off overtime in Jack's bedroom, Ianto couldn't laugh it away or answer with a dry jab. For the first time, the words hurt.

Ianto entered Jack's office and stopped in front of his desk. Jack looked up from his screen. He seemed tired.

"The budget, sir," Ianto reminded him calmly.

Jack nodded.

"I'm done. I sent it to Mildred." He pointed at a pile of files. "Could you put those back?"

"Of course, sir." Ianto stepped around the desk and when he reached for the files, Jack's hand touched his arm hesitantly. Ianto froze.

Jack turned him around gently. One arm slid around Ianto's waist and he leaned his head against Ianto's stomach, then he said softly, "I'm so sorry."

Ianto didn't answer, but he put his hand on the nape of Jack's neck, his fingers playing with the short dark hair.

"And I lied," Jack added softly. "I'm not fed up with you. The opposite's the case."

"That's not the problem." Ianto took a step back and Jack looked up at him pleadingly. Ianto let the silence reign for a moment, taking his time to choose his words just right.

"I have never before felt used by you, Jack – until yesterday."

Jack ducked his head in shame.

Ianto continued, "And I have never before been afraid of you." He sighed. "I know that what we have isn't a relationship or dating or ... insert the word you're so afraid of. You made that clear from the start and I know, too, that you don't know how long you're going to stay in Cardiff. I accept that. But ... yesterday you treated me like your possession and I'm not. And I'm no whipping boy either."

"I've been ... distracted these past few days. I couldn't ..." Jack stopped as if he suddenly realized that he was losing himself in explanations. "I wasn't being fair to all of you."

"That's right," Ianto nodded. Jack obviously needed to talk and Ianto would give him the chance. He wanted their closeness back, too, and no matter what happened between them, he would always be there to listen to Jack.

Jack rubbed his tired eyes.

"Just ... sometimes, I'm so ... angry. I get lost in it and I know that isn't right or good or even fair but that's me. Sometimes, like yesterday, I lose control. You have no idea what it feels like to be completely alone."

Ianto narrowed his eyes. He knew what it felt like. He'd lost Lisa, his parents, he hadn't spoken to his sister for months ... but then again, he had Jack. And Tosh, Owen and Gwen. And Jack had ...

"Jack, you have us."

Jack laughed sadly.

"I have you, but I'm lonely. I don't belong here. Someone ... someone I ... I love ... abandoned me." He smiled helplessly. "I did everything to impress him, I'm still doing everything for him, I gave my life for him but he ..."

Ianto leaned against the desk.

"He left you."

Jack nodded.

Ianto guessed, "The Doctor."

Jack nodded again.

"Sometimes I wonder if he did it on purpose."

Ianto crossed his arms.

"I'm so sorry that happened to you, I really am, but ..."

"It's no excuse, I know. I'm just trying to explain. I've been here for so long, waiting for him, and I'm getting tired of it."

"How do you know that he'll come back?"

"I know."

"How long have you been waiting?"

Jack looked up at Ianto and there was something in his eyes that Ianto couldn't identify. The captain suddenly seemed old, very old.

"Long." Jack breathed in deeply, rubbed his neck and propped his elbows on his knees. "Long enough to almost be happy here. I had a bad phase at the beginning. Alcohol and ... other things. I'm feeling better now."

"Except yesterday?"

"John Ellis," Jack answered, nodding. "He reminded me of what I am. That I have no place here."

Ianto looked at him, waiting. He wasn't in a hurry and he wanted to give Jack the time he needed.

Jack looked up at him and kneeded his hands as if he wasn't sure if he was doing the right thing. Then he said, "I died last week. Two times. In your car with John."

Ianto swallowed.

Jack continued, "The first time was for John. The second time ... for me."

"Jack ..."

"I've been waiting for over a hunded years now. I can't die. There's a file from the archives about me ... in my safe. I didn't want you to find it, so I hid it. It goes way back to 1899 when Torchwood first contacted me. You can read it later."

Ianto closed his eyes. He felt as if he should be more shocked, but he'd already suspected as much. Ever since Ianto knew him, Jack had just been too lucky. He always seemed to get out of trouble with nothing more than a scratch ... and without scars.

"Okay," Ianto said. "You're from 1899?"

"No. I'm from the 51st century. I wasn't joking when I told you that."

Ianto took a deep breath.

"And you ended up stuck here? How?"

"It's a long story. But I can't leave. Not without help."

Ianto nodded his understanding.

"The Doctor has a time machine."

"And maybe he knows what happened to me. Why I can't die."

Ianto put one hand on the desk beside his hip, the other brushed through his hair. Jack's fingers caressed Ianto's back of the hand before he pulled it towards him and kissed it.

"That's no excuse for the things I said and did."

"It isn't", Ianto agreed, still stunned. "It explains a lot, though."

"You deserve more than an apology. I'll make it up to you."

Ianto looked at him. The captain smiled tenderly.

"I shouldn't have yelled at you or scared you or made you doubt your place in my life. You're not a whipping boy and it was stupid to say that I was fed up." He grinned. "Because I doubt I ever could be, Ianto Jones."

Ianto rolled his eyes.

"Charmer."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"Take it however you like."

Jack took his hand.

"Forgive me?" he asked.

Ianto closed his eyes and curled his fingers around Jack's.

"I was really scared, Jack." He took a deep breath. "You ..." He stopped.

Jack looked at him encouragingly. "Yeah?"

Ianto shook his head.

"I get why you avoid drinking that much."

Jack cleared his throat.

"I'm a mean drunk," he nodded.

"You were out of control," Ianto contradicted him. "I know that kind of behaviour, Jack. And I won't tolerate it."

"It rarely happens."

"Not the point", Ianto answered. "I don't want it to happen. And if it does ..." He swallowed. "Stay away from me. I can't handle it."

Jack's eyes narrowed. "Why's that?"

Ianto shifted slightly, letting go of Jack's hand and ducking his head.

"Something to do with my father. Doesn't matter." He didn't want to talk about it and Jack seemed to accept that. Ianto raised his head. "The point is ... I don't want to be forced to hurt you like I did."

Jack nodded.

"Okay. I promise it won't happen again."

"Thank you," Ianto said.

He stared at the floor, feeling Jack's heavy gaze on him, trying to see ... something. Ianto wasn't sure what he was looking for until Jack spoke tentatively, "Can I go home with you tonight?"

Ianto raised his head and Jack said earnestly, "I'd really like to go home with you."

"And I'd like to have you over," Ianto answered with a small smile and he cupped Jack's cheek. "Just ... not tonight." He needed some time to himself, some time to stomach what Jack had just told him and some time to feel secure in his own flat again, like he used to until yesterday.

"Okay," Jack said. He looked disappointed but he forced a smile. "Just tell me when-"

"I will," Ianto interrupted him and leaned down for a firm kiss to reassure him. "I promise."

He smiled once more and then headed for the door.

END

10/10