Disclaimers: I do not own any part of the Harry Potter universe and no money is being made from this story.

Getting Back to Azkaban

A/N # 1: Obviously I write AU. If you want canon turn back now because you are going to be severely disappointed.

Chapter 1: Gringotts sent a letter

Harry Potter was the most famous wizard in Britain. Some would argue that he might even be the most famous in the world, but that was only if you counted live ones because Merlin was surely the greatest. He was undeniably the most famous school boy; he knew this for a fact because the headmaster of his school set guards around his house twenty-four hours a day all summer long if he was in residence at his house.

His Aunt Petunia said the guards had actually been there a few weeks already before he showed up and she was getting mightily annoyed at the snoopy bastards. They were not actually of any use to her that she could figure. They were just there; always watching and reporting back to someone else, presumably Albus Dumbledore.

When Dumbledore showed up at the house a week before Harry's birthday and informed Aunt Petunia that he would prefer that she not contact Gringotts she saw red; red to the point that she punched the old geezer in the nose and then told him to get out of her house and never return. Dumbledore refused to listen to her and then had the audacity to demand she give him the letter that Hedwig had delivered to her. That had been the last time Dumbledore ever made the mistake of thinking that muggles were not dangerous.

Petunia's eyes had flashed fire just before she turned to her son, Dudley, who was standing there listening to the confrontation. All she said was, "Son!"

Dudley had done some serious life changes since his encounter with the dementors last summer, but he did not hesitate to protect his mother when she asked. Dudley simply took one nice punch to the old man's jaw and when he crumpled. Dudley then scooped him up, took him outside, and dropped him beside the invisible, lurking order member. "You all need to take the old man back to where he came from. We don't want him here threatening us."

The order member, one Mundangus Fletcher, not knowing what else to do scooped the old man up and took him back to headquarters. By the time Poppy had been called, Dumbledore's nose fixed, and the Order appraised of the situation, Petunia had read the response to the message she had sent earlier and disposed of the evidence before they could get their hands on it.

A week later, Harry shook his head in confusion as he stared at the creature known to the rest of the world to as 'Aunt Petunia'. "I do not believe I heard you correctly just now." He snarled.

"You heard me just fine, boy." She replied.

"No, I don't believe I did hear you correctly. You distinctly said, and I quote: You need to get cleaned up so that we can go to London for the reading of Sirius Black's will."

"Get your arse upstairs and prepare to attend the reading. I will be going as your legal guardian and to sign the papers for your emancipation." She glared at Harry who had been reduced to gaping at her. Finally she lost her temper and roared, "MOVE!"

It did not take Harry long to use the shower and return to his room. He was surprised to find that Aunt Petunia had left clothes out for him, and then squawked indigently when he realized that the pile was actually girls' clothing. "Aunt Petunia, are you sure that you want me to wear this pile you put on my bed? They look like something Dudley's girlfriend brought over and forgot."

"Yes, and yes! Now get dressed and get in here!" Petunia's voice was coming from her bedroom.

Harry just knew that whatever she had planned was not going to be good for him. At the least it was going to be embarrassing. The worst case scenario would see him chained to the dungeon walls in one of Voldemort's prisons. But, best he get this over with so he sucked up his pride, dulled down his reservations, and strode zombie-like into Aunt Petunia's boudoir.

Screaming and crying had been beaten out of Harry Potter at a young age. Therefore, when Petunia ordered him to sit at her dressing table he did so with no argument. Ten minutes later when Petunia ordered him to look in the mirror he did so with not so much as a sigh of resignation.

He was surprised to see a pretty face that he did not recognize staring back at him from the mirror. He was even more surprised when one of Petunia's blond wigs was eased over his head and adjusted. If that was all it took for he to become a she, Harry Potter had the makings of a damn fine transvestite.

Petunia told him to stand and looked at him from different angles. "Thank God that you are slender enough not to have a pronounced waistline or we could never get away with this. Now pull up your shirt while I put this on you.

Harry paled significantly under the makeup as Petunia pulled a soft form bra out of a bag and approached him with a look of determination. The only protest he offered was a rather strangled, "Why?" as he obediently pulled the jumper up.

Petunia found that she could not be completely heartless when dealing with her own son. The look of humiliation on his face was just too much for her to endure without feeling some remorse. "Harry, I have several million good reasons for doing this and while most of them are in the bank, I do have other valid reasons for smuggling you out of this house."

Harry gave a curt nod and uttered a long drawn out, "OOOOKayyyy."

She slapped him upside the head. "There is no need to be facetious. I promise that as soon as we get to a safe place I will give you all the information at my disposal."

Harry glared at her.

She returned his glare with little humor. "Trust me when I say I have a lot of information."

Mundangus Fletcher is usually the guilty party when one of the Order's plans goes tits up. Today, however, it was Kingsley Shackelbolt who was on duty when Petunia and Dudley's girlfriend waltzed out the front door and walked down the street talking about Dudley's last prize fight.

Shackelbolt was standing downwind of the ladies and all he could smell was an overwhelming scent of 'Joy'. Not that he knew the name of the perfume; it was just that it was very enticing on the ladies. And, after standing guard duty several times he was pleased to finally see the girl whom most of the masculine order members spoke of in tones of awe and reverence. He could not, for the life of him, figure out what the beautiful girl could want from Dudley Dursley.

He had no way of knowing that the girl he thought he was looking at was in fact an aspiring actress who had been paid rather handsomely by Petunia to date Dudley and make a few appearances at the house. That same girl was currently on her way to Hollywood, California, for a screen test since she did an excellent job for Petunia and had been rewarded with a twenty thousand pound bonus to leave the country before people could find her and try to kill her.

Petunia and Harry, who was now dressed up as Gloria, were currently making their way to the bus station so that they could catch the connecting train to London. Petunia visibly relaxed the further away from Privet Drive they got.

By the time they got to London they no longer looked like blondes. They had sat in a car where a company of theater/dance students were, and Petunia had started up a conversation with one of the instructors whom she had recognized from when she was a child taking dance.

Petunia had introduced Gloria to her friend and asked about some of the changes that had occurred since they competed. The other lady saw it as a chance to demonstrate some new techniques to her own girls and had used first Gloria and then Petunia to demonstrate how to use makeup to change a girl's appearance.

In London they took the tube to the nearest station to the Leaky Cauldron on Charing Cross Road. Petunia literally waltzed up to the entrance to the pub and opened it before Harry could get his bearings. "Get in here, Gloria! You don't want the wrong sort to see us come in here." She snapped.

"Yes, Mummy. Sorry!" He tilted his head and pouted at her. "It's just that you don't let me…"

"Hush, girl. It is enough that I let you go to that bookstore and coffee shop."

Most of the patrons of the Leaky Cauldron had heard that argument from a dozen witches a day for several years. It was one of those things that held little appeal so they went back to what they were doing before the door opened.

Harry watched in total fascination as Petunia used her ring to tap the bricks. He was even more surprised when the archway opened and she smirked at him. "Coming, dear, or are you going to stand there all day and play goldfish?"

He hurried through the portal and sighed unhappily as she reached over and took him by the hand. "Let's just get to Gringotts so we can get the business done. We are already pushing our luck that those two were not home and we managed to get away today."