Author's Note – This piece was inspired by several ongoing conversations on the KP Writers Zone forum, hosted right here. Perhaps, as a result, there will actually be bits of wisdom you might be able to glean from these words. Personally, I'd recommend you go over to the forum and see what's going on there, but since more people read the fiction here than anything else, I figured what the heck. Plus, as I'm coming to the end of my ongoing epic AT THE CENTERFOLD OF THE STORM, I needed something light as a break while I dig into the final chapters… And yes, this will be continued. Legal disclaimers: Kim Possible, Shego, Ron Stoppable, Wade Load, Bonnie Rockwaller and all other characters are the creations of Mark McCorkle and Bob Schooley, and those names are all trademarks of the Disney media organizations. Although use in this context is probably considered fair under parody law, just in case: this work was not created for profit, no money changed hands etc. Also, this story takes place at a time at which all characters shown should be considered to be over the legal age of 18.
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THE SLASH WRITER'S GUIDE TO BETTER KIGO
By SHADO Commander and 'those who may wish to remain anonymous'
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LESSON ONE
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Setting: A Large Theatre, the proscenium arch of which is currently obscured by a huge red, green and black curtain with an unusual variation of the classic Greek 'Persona' Masks that have come to symbolize Drama. However, rather than the traditional masks of Tragedy and Comedy, we are presented instead with masks of the lesser known Grecian deities Kimbermos and Shegomos, with Kimbermos occupying the left, red and green decorated side of the stage width, while Shegomos occupies the right green and black decorated side.
The lights dim, the curtain rises and a single spotlight picks out our master of ceremonies and head instructor for the evening, the esteemed writer (qualification: once wrote a 600 word Punky Brewster fan fic) and critic (is on the internet, is therefore capable of being critical of everything,) WADE LOAD. He is wearing a tuxedo and, inexplicably, a blindfold.
WADE:
Greetings ladies, gentlemen, catgirls and all other beings of indeterminate and/or anonymous gender. It has come to our attention that there is a great deal of interest in a subgenre of Kim Possible fandom that is referred to as KiGo. Although I am theoretically too young too understand this… and have, in fact, been forced to wear this blindfold by the corporate legal department to make sure I don't see anything that I'm not exposed to on a daily basis on the interweb… it has further come to my personal attention that although much of the KiGo material that has been generated by fans is wildly imaginative and sometimes even amusing, there is a large percentage that could use a little technical help with both the actual writing part of the writing process, as well as some… um… reminders about what is actually anatomically possible for a Possible.
SHEGO (from Off - left, Stage-Whispered);
Don't forget to tell them that girls don't have penises!
WADE (Whispering):
We'll get to futa later!
SHEGO (still off, whispered): Well, make it sooner, okay? Those things ruin the lines of my suits!
WADE (back to normal, ignoring Shego):
Um, yes. In any case, however, since the one thing we know for certain is that people will NEVER use the internet for anything vaguely resembling educational purposes, we've taken it upon ourselves to cleverly collect a few pointers and tips under the guise of entertainment. For example, let us take the use of the common dramatic device known as the McGuffin. Wikipedia defines it as follows:
MOTOR ED enters, uncomfortably wearing a Graduation Gown and Cap.
MOTOR ED:
A MacGuffin, dudes, is "a plot element that catches the viewers' attention or drives the plot of a work of fiction". The defining aspect of a MacGuffin is that the major players in the story are (at least initially) willing to do and sacrifice almost anything to obtain it, regardless of what the MacGuffin actually is. In fact, the specific nature of the MacGuffin may be ambiguous, undefined, generic, left open to interpretation or otherwise completely unimportant to the plot. Common examples are money, victory, glory, survival, a source of power, or a potential threat, or it may simply be something entirely unexplained. Seriously.
Ed turns and walks off stage.
WADE:
Well, that was boring, wasn't it? And he didn't even mention Hitchcock. Now, here's how WE'LL be presenting it:
KIM and SHEGO enter in fancy dancing attire ala the Rockettes… or for those not versed in that, the opening of the Bugs Bunny/Roadrunner Show; ie: they are wearing Top hats, Tuxedo-style tops over Danskins with fish-net hose and tap shoes. Both are also holding canes.
KIM:
And a one, and a two and Three!
KIM & SHEGO (singing and dancing the old soft-shoe):
It's a MacGuffin… when you think it keeps the plot a runnin, but what it really does is cheat it!
It's a MacGuffin… if there's poison in the muffin but nobody ever eats it!
It's a MacGuffin… if they keep sayin that somethin's comin, but no one ever meets it!
It's a MacGuffin… if they've got a plan so cunning, but they never ever ever completes it!
SHEGO:
It's a MacGuffin… When Shego takes Kim out a clubbin', but never gets her hand on her tit!
KIM:
THAT is NOT a MacGuffin! (storms off in anger)
SHEGO:
It is for T rated KiGo fics, Princess! What? Am I sleeping on the sofa again tonight? Aw man!
A dejected Shego trails Kim offstage.
WADE:
There, now wasn't that more interesting? And don't worry about Kim and Shego. One of the most interesting things about KiGo is that it automatically resets every time a new story starts. In fact, quite often even in the same story, continuity is a…
Wade is cut off by BONNIE, who enters wearing only panties, a see-through negligee, fluffy Hello Kitty slippers and a spiked leather collar. She has a pillow and a whip under one arm.
BONNIE:
Hey, nerdboy! You wanna tell me how you do that Hitchcock thing you were talking about? I got a M+ rated fic I gotta get to and I'm really tired of the same old kink and bondage tricks.
WADE:
Hitchock was a famous director, not a sexual position… not that I know what those are.
BONNIE:
Crap. Guess it's Dirty Sanchez time for me and Tara again.
Bonnie stalks off.
As Bonnie exits, KIM enters, looking irritated and holding a piece of paper.
WADE (Stage Whisper):
Psst. Kim, what are you doing out here? We were supposed to be talking about continuity!
KIM:
Yeah, well continuity will have to wait. MISTER 'I'm so excited I can't' Stoppable just asked if he could do his first bit now.
WADE:
Now? Uh… okay. Call me when we get back to continuity, okay?
KIM:
Sure thing.
Kim looks at paper, obviously reading the text for first time
KIM (Reading aloud):
And now, Ron "The Word Man" Stoppable would like to address the issue of vocabulary regarding… (Gasps) I can't say that!
RON (OFF, Stage whisper):
Why not? You GOT 'em!
KIM (Now blushing furiously):
Fine! I'll PARAPHRASE! A word about terms for FEMALE ANATOMY!
RON enters as Kim exits.
RON:
Actually Kim, you have a very nice pair of frays, though I've never heard that term before. But that's the point I'd like to make to our friends out there.
(Affecting a Mister Roger's/Sesame Street type of tone)
You see, friends, so many writers get stuck using just one or two words to describe those jiggly mounds of luscious goodness that make the ladies stand out in a crowd. And what a shame that is, for there's no other pair of objects in the entire English language that have been so amply bestowed with so many fitting and descriptive names in the common vernacular. To wit:
(Singing, more or less to the tune of the STATE CAPITALS song from Animaniacs)
Balloons and baloobas, bazooms and bazookas
and of course, there's boobsters and boobies,
There's a woman's sweet pleasures and ruby-tipped treasures,
And how could we leave out jahoobies?
There's headlamps and headlights, high beams and nightlites,
baby feeders, melons and googies!
Funbags and windsocks, DNAmy's got hamhocks,
There's so many names, gosh-a-rooties!
Cantaloupes, milk bombs, milk bottles and tom-toms
You see how easy this is?
If it comes in pairs or makes people stare,
just use it and you'll be a whiz!
Milk jugs and milk wagons and Shego's twin Dragons
There's puppies and wahhoos and cha-chas!
And we all love my pal Kimber, when she shows us she's limber
By shaking her pointy maracas!
Honkers, Badoinkies, and things that go boinky,
Come from onomatopoeia,
Which means names that are found by using a sound
That reminds you of what you'd like to see-a!
Snackers and smackers, and boy she's got stackers,
I'll have two quarter-pounders with cheese!
When it comes to bosoms, whatever you choose-ums,
Is almost certain to please!
Bee stings and blinkers, puppies and tinkers,
You can even use Bonnie and Clyde!
So be real creative when the chicks all 'go native,'
And your writing won't have nothing to hide!
For tits, titties and shakers, there'll always be takers,
Cause we all love it when they show their moneymakers!
Except for hairy-chested trannies, Kim's 80 year old granny,
And Drag queens who're nothing but fakers!
There's yum yum and cow-cows, and oom papa mau maus,
And good grief, did I forget Hooters?
Cupcakes, gob-stoppers and sometimes there are floppers,
And after school you can see Tutors!
Oh I just love all breasties, they're where I love to resty,
My mammary gland obsessed blond head,
When I look 'bove the navel, just about all that I'm able.
To say is "Damn Torpedoes, full speed ahead!"
Wherever else the song might be going is cut off as THE CURTAIN drops on Ron, flattening him. His unconscious body now lies half inside, half outside the curtain.. but as we watch, Ron's body is pulled under the curtain.
SHEGO (OFFSTAGE):
Hah! What'd I tell you! Nailed him!
DNAMY (also OFF):
Good, I have a few words to share with Ronald when you're finished.
NANA POSSIBLE (also also OFF):
Get in line, big girl. I've already got my rocker set up for waterboarding.
SHEGO (STILL OFF):
Ooooh, I LIKE the way you think, Grams! Tell ya what, cut me in for some Lemon Squares and you got first shot.
and the lights go OUT.
End of Lesson 1
NEXT TIME – How and why to get your characters naked, extremely out of character behavior and maybe we'll get back to continuity.