Chapter Nine

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Leo flew along the rooftops. The bitter wind whipped past him as he leapt from one building to the next with ease. He needed to clear his head. No, what he really needed was some kind of time machine. He wondered if his brothers would ever see him in the same light ever again. There was only one person who couldn't judge Leo for what had happened that night. Ironically, he would have been the first to judge, had he still been alive.

The tears streamed backwards along his cheeks, some from the cold, others from the emotion. The wind roared in his ears. None of it could silence what had just happened. The tears didn't wash away the memories of seeing his little brother's face as it shifted into pure horror. The look a person might give a murderer, a cold blooded killer. Even worse, the look someone might give a person who'd just killed his own brother. The wind didn't quieten Michelangelo's cry.

He'd let the rational side of his mind take over. He wasn't good at seeing things like Mikey and Raph did. He and Don channelled logic more than emotion. Leo knew that in no way the fact that Mikey was ruled by emotions made him any less of a person. It didn't make him a cry-baby, in fact it was the opposite. Mikey was the best at keeping his emotions in check, keeping a positive outlook on the world, no matter how many bad things had happened to them.

Raphael was a prime example of how being led by emotions could make a person strong. Raph had been stronger than Leo had ever cared to notice. Sure, he'd been the strongest physically and that much was obvious by looking at them in comparison. What Leo had never appreciated was how strong his little brother's beliefs had been. How much he'd protected and fought for the City and his family. The people of New York would never know how much Hamato Raphael had done for its streets every night, but at least his family would know. They'd always remember every time Raph had stepped in to take an injury for them, how many times he'd jump into a fight, no questions asked. Rather him attack them, than them attack his family, right?

Leo growled to himself. What had been the point in anything Raphael had ever done for them if he was to go and tear the family apart a few weeks after his death? He'd wondered if it was just the rare situation it had put them in, but he couldn't blame it on that. Had Raphael have died and Mikey grieved normally and not seen this illusion of his brother, Leo still would have bottled his emotions up. It was what he did. Sensei had told him a million times that showing emotion was not a weakness, and yet Leo was still uncomfortable expressing himself that way.

That was what he needed. He needed to release his emotions before they took control. How had it taken something like this to make him realise that? It was so simple, yet Leo found it so hard to give his emotion free reign. Don had once told him about autism. Apparently, everyone in the world can find themselves somewhere along the spectrum of the disorder. Don admitted his probably came from the fact he was abnormally intelligent. Leo had thought it funny that his brainy brother had admitted that. He was usually so modest. Leo's symptom would be that he found it difficult to understand different emotions. Once again he'd fallen back on the excuse of being the Leader to try to cope with his difficulty in understanding what he was feeling. His brothers needed a big brother, not a dictator.

"I'm so sorry," Leo muttered to the wind. It answered by slapping his bandana tails against his skin painfully. He'd reached his destination. It was a rooftop that he and Raph had once spent some time together. It was just after their fifteenth birthday, the year that Sensei had let them start fighting and announced them ready. He and Raph had gone topside quite a lot in the aftermath of that decision, just because they could, not really to fight or look for trouble. It made Leo feel closer to him. It wasn't his grave, which was at the farmhouse, but this would do.

He sighed, shifting uncomfortably. He'd decided he needed someone to talk to. Someone who could listen with no judgement, but what if Raphael really was still out there somewhere? Was he a spirit watching over his broken family? What would he think of what Leo had just done? He found that those thoughts made him feel absurdly defensive, as though he had the right to ever defend what he'd done. Where could he start with this? He wished he could see Mikey's hallucination of Raph. It might make talking easier. He smiled. He could give his imagination a go.

He concentrated on his little brother's mannerisms, his voice, his facial expressions. He sat down next to the edge of the building and imagined feeling Raphael's presence behind him.

"What the hell did you think you were doin' Fearless?"

Leo winced. He didn't want this to turn into an argument. He opened his mouth to reply to the voice which only he could hear, created from memories.

"I... I don't know, Raph," Leo replied softly. He winced, waiting for an onslaught of aggression.

"I don't know ain't good enough, Leonardo," Leo imagined the way he'd walk closer till he was stood right by him. Looking down with a sneer. He closed his eyes so that it felt as though Raph was truly there and he couldn't see the reality.

"I'm sorry, Raph," Leo gulped. He felt bile crawling up from his stomach, "I'm so sorry."

Raph made a snorting sound and sat down next to him. He was looking over into the alleyway and he had his arms resting on his legs, leaning over in that way that had always made Leo's stomach flip.

"Don't do that," Leo chastised without thinking.

"Are ya serious? Yer lecturin' me now? Really?" Leo breathed deeply, trying to ignore that feeling at the back of his eyes and in his throat.

"You were always so strong." Leo breathed. "You shouldn't have gone into that alley... I... I told you... you should have listened."

"And where would that have got us, huh? We were outnumbered, Leo. There were too many of 'em. I hadda do somethin'. If I hadn't have stepped up, we'd all be in a worse mess right now, ever think about that?"

"We could have handled it. If you'd just waited. We could have done it. You'd still be here! I told you to wait! Why don't you ever listen?" Leo's voice grew louder and louder. If he'd only waited for more orders.

"How do you know that when a guy dies they don't get to see the alternatives, huh? What woulda happened if I didn't jump in right then? What if I told ya, that Mikey died? Donnie? What if I told ya we all died? Could you live with yerself then?"

"I didn't ask for you to play the martyr, Raphael. I asked for you to follow orders," Leo frowned. His voice had begun to get too quiet, twisted with emotions. This was the voice he avoided, no one listens to a person when they're emotions are screwed up.

"If I'd have followed orders, Splinter'd be alone right now. Think about that one, teacher's pet."

Leo frowned, concentrating hard. "We would have been better off dead. I've ruined everything. They'll never recover from this. Mikey... Oh, God, what have I done?"

Raphael didn't answer. Leo shifted uncomfortably as he felt the first tear squeeze its way out. He held the rest back.

"They'll never want to see me again. I'll have to leave," Leo pulled his legs in to stand up.

"You're not goin' anywhere." Raph was holding his arm in a vice grip. "Ya leave now, I'll never forgive you."

Leo gulped thickly. "Raph, I've... they're going to be... I can't face them... what if-?"

"What if nothin' bro. This is your job. You're the leader, the big brother. Hell if I let you leave now. Yer gonna go back to the lair and set things straight. Think of it as some kinda belated last request. You don't do this for me, you ain't never gettin' my forgiveness. You do it, I'll forgive ya, maybe I'll let ya take the cloud next door to me up in heaven, or wherever it is ya think I am right now." He snorted and his vice grip faded away.

"I can't do it," Leo whispered. His eyelids fought the tears back into his skull painfully, the lump in his throat threatening to explode if he left it there any longer. He couldn't do it. He wasn't strong enough. Emotionally. He didn't understand. He needed to be someone who could listen, someone to understand what his brothers were going through. It felt impossible to him. He'd rather face the Foot alone again.

He growled angrily. "Raph..." Leo paused, thinking of the words he wanted, "I need you..."

Silence.

"Why'd you leave me?"

Silence.

"I can't do this alone. I need you there. I need your strength."

Silence.

Leo realised that his concentration was shot. He couldn't concentrate on two things at once. He could either have the memory of Raphael to keep him company or he could have his emotions. His emotions were winning. His mourning was quiet. He hardly made any noise but the agony was clear.

He'd take as long as he needed to clear his head. Then he'd go back to the lair. Back to his family. The ones that needed him the most, although they might not think that anymore. He had to try.

Raphael wouldn't forgive him until he put things right. He'd made that much crystal clear. He hoped that once everything was set straight, he'd be able to hear Raph's voice again if he wanted to.

Raph was going to judge him. Of course, he was. When had he not? This time though, this time it really mattered. If he didn't sort it out now, there would be no forgiveness. Leo had always been the master of the silent treatment when Raph had done something he thought unforgiveable. He tried one last time to reach out to the memories. It was useless for now.

The silence did all the talking.