Slash!: Hello, and welcome to the fifth episode of Nonsensical Theatre! But first, THE MASSIVE-
*Specs hurries on from off-stage and whispers something to Slash!. She stares at him, confused. He nods and gestures for her to continue, then hurries offstage.*
Slash!: Never mind. I have just been informed that since there are twenty-three reviews-THANKS YOU GUYS!-that the normally published shout outs will not be done, due to time constraints and the fact that I still have two more essays to write. However, each reviewer will be mentioned by name, with a word of thanks.
Blaze ~ Grazie!
Ferret ~ Merci!
Neffie ~ Danke!
Chel ~ Obrigado!
Punch ~ ¡Gracias!
DS-Mandi ~ Grazie!
Mage O'Dell ~ Merci!
Bluehag ~ Danke!
Stage ~ Obrigado!
Vinyl ~ ¡Gracias!
Princessred ~ Grazie!
Stress ~ Merci!
Manda ~ Danke! Ich liebe dich!
Blue W Trick ~ Obrigado!
Liv ~ ¡Gracias!
Stripey Purple Socks ~ Grazie!
silversapphire ~ Merci!
Pups Goils ~ Danke!
Spark ~ Obrigado!
Lily ~ ¡Gracias!
Talhya ~ Grazie!
Sphinx ~ Merci!
Angelic Dragon ~ Danke!
Slash!: Thus ends the massive thank you list. And now onto episode five, "Ten Ways to Make Sport of Telemarketers!" Enjoy!
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1. When they ask: "How are you today?" Tell them: "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
The phone rang. Specs set down his magazine, reached over, and picked up.
"Hello?"
"Hello. May I please speak to Sam Edwards?"
Specs sighed. "That's me."
"How are you today, Mr. Edwards?"
"Oh my God, I'm so glad you asked. No one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died, not to mention my best friend is totally hitting on me..."
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2. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
"Hi, this is Jimmy Doe from the Suddenly Swing Company, and I . . ."
"What was your name again?" Snoddy asked.
"Jimmy Doe. But, Mr. Krieger, we were wondering if you . . ."
"Can you spell the company name for me?"
"Uh, sure. S-U-D-D-E-N-L-Y S-W-I-N-G. We have an amazing . . ."
"I don't think I've heard of that. Where is it located?"
There was a long pause, during which Snoddy whistled softly to himself and checked the time.
"We're in St. Paul, sir. But we have an incredible offer . . ."
"Tell me, Jimmy, are you single?"
There was an even longer pause. Just as Snoddy was about to repeat his question, Jimmy said stiffly,
"Have a nice day, Mr. Krieger."
*click*
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3. Cry out in surprise: "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
"Is this Michael Hasczak?"
Skittery flopped down onto a chair and rolled his eyes. It had to be a telemarketer. His last name was HAS-chak, for God's sake, not "Has-k-ZAK."
"Yes it is, and who are you?"
"My name is Judy, and I'm with . . ."
"Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Skittery cried in delight.
There were a few seconds of silence, during which time Skittery hung up.
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4. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
"Helloooo, Durecht residence!" Dutchy said cheerfully into the phone.
"Hi, I'm with MCI, and we were wondering if you were interested in our brand-new Family and Friends plan . . ."
"Actually," Dutchy said in a small and lost voice, "I don't have any friends." His voice dropped a few octaves. "Would you be my friend?"
*click*
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5. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
"Hello?"
"May I please speak to Benedict Ramirez?"
"This is he," Bumlets said.
"Hello. I'm with Your Friendly Neighborhood Bank, and we know that students like you can always use a little extra cash. So . . ."
"You wanna loan me money?" Bumlets exclaimed.
"Yes, sir, we would, and-"
"That's great! I just filed for bankruptcy and I could sure use some money!"
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6. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
". . . and it can be yours for only $19.95. Would you be interested?"
"Actually," Specs replied, "can I tell you something I'd be more interested in?"
"Certainly," the telemarketer replied nervously.
"I'm kind of on home incarceration right now, and I was wondering if you could bring me some beer-I'm not picky about what kind-and a bag of chips? That'd be great."
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7. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
" . . . and it'll get your carpets clean in a flash for only three low payments of $29.99. What do you say, Mr. Krieger?" The friendly male voice stopped, waiting expectantly.
Snoddy paused. He considered.
"Will you marry me?" he asked.
"Wh-what?" the telemarketer spluttered. "M-marry you? W-well, I-I just-"
"Is that a no?" Snoddy asked, disappointed. "I mean, I really can't give my credit card number to a complete stranger . . ."
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8. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Say goodbye and hang up.
The phone rang. Skittery turned off the vacuum, shot the phone a death glare, then took a deep soothing breath. Then he grabbed the phone.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Mr. Has-k-zak. This is Irving with GE . . ."
"Listen Irving, I'm really busy right now. Can I have your home phone number so I can call you back later?"
"Well, Mr. Has-k-zak, that's against company policy . . ."
"Don't want people bothering you at home, huh, Irving?"
"Yes sir."
"Now you know how I feel. Good-bye, Irving."
*click*
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9. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your mom?"
"Durecht residence!"
"Hello, this is David with Pioneer Entertainment, and I'd like a moment of your time . . ."
Dutchy laughed. "Okay, Specs, knock it off. I know it's you."
"No, sir, I'm with Pioneer . . ."
"Yeah, right, Specs. C'mon, I'm not that dense. Cut it out, man!"
"Sir. . ."
"Seriously, Specs, what's the haps?"
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10. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
"Hi, this is Caroline with Analysts, Inc. and I . . ."
"I'm sorry, dear, say that again," Bumlets said, pulling out a notepad and pen. "And speak very, very slowly, because I want to write down every word."
*click*
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Slash!: And thus ends the long-awaited (hah!) fifth chapter of Nonsensical Theater. Don't forget to review!