Erg. I can only apologize so many times for long breaks in between chapters before I sound insincere. Things have been a little weird in my life. I'm sorry. I will try really super mega ultra hard to have another new chapter up soon. Maybe one of a proper length. It's also hard for me to do the thing I KNOW I have to do soon in this story… :(

I do not own Twilight or any of its characters.

Chapter Thirty-Eight – Remorse

Aro

I spat out my very first taste of deer.

"This can't really be what you eat!" I exclaimed.

Alice looked slightly amused by my proclamation.

"What is this, some kind of trick?" I asked suspiciously, dropping into a defensive stance.

Jasper sighed. "The flavor takes some getting used to," he allowed, and I suddenly felt much calmer.

I eyed the dead deer. I considered whether it might taste any different if I approached it from another angle, but dismissed that idea as foolish. I realized, too late, that I had only dismissed the idea after running in a circle around the deer a few times.

Alice continued to look amused. "You'll get used to it," she declared, eyes unfocused.

Hrmph. It was difficult to argue with the little psychic one. Grudgingly, I leaned forward and drew in another mouthful of the sour-tasting liquid. It tasted as if it had gone rancid, but I forced myself to swallow and found that it did, in fact, cool the burn in my throat slightly.

"I don't want another one of those," I protested as Jasper and Alice dragged me off to kill more animals.

"Sorry Aro, but you need to feed more than just that before we take you anywhere near Rosalie again," Alice chirped.

"You don't sound especially sorry," I observed sourly. Alice didn't bother to reply, but the twinkle in her eye confirmed my hypothesis. She wasn't actually sorry at all. I continued to protest as I followed the mated pair through the woods until Jasper finally stopped short in front of me.

"Aro, will you stop pouting? It's not very becoming."

"I wasn't pouting! I was… Expressing my discomfort with the situation."

Jasper narrowed his golden eyes at me. I wondered how long one needed to maintain a diet of these perfectly dreadful creatures in order to have eyes that color. "You. Were. Pouting."

"Neither one of you is ever going to admit defeat, so can we just agree to disagree?" Alice piped up.

"Does she always do this?" I asked Jasper, referring to his wife's tendency to look to the future for the outcome of arguments.

"Yes," she replied serenely. "There's another deer."

I sighed and drained another disgusting beast. "Satisfied?" I grumbled.

Jasper eyed me for a long moment. "It will do," he relented at last. The three of us started back to the Cullen home.

"I have no plans to harm Emmett's wife," I explained as we ran. "But if it would make you feel better, perhaps you should set your pet wolf to following me?" It seemed a perfectly reasonable solution to me. The rest of the family was busy tending to Rosalie's needs, which were likely to be substantial while she continued to carry half-vampire twins. The wolf, on the other hand, had no specific responsibilities in the household that I'd ever observed.

Alice looked uncomfortable at this suggestion. "I'm not sure whether he's going to be around when we get there," she said faintly.

"You're always sure of everything," I pointed out.

Jasper chuckled. "Her power doesn't work where the wolves are concerned." I remembered that fact in a strange, fuzzy sort of way, once he'd said it. "That's not what she was talking about though."

I felt my brow furrow in confusion. "Then what…?"

"I'm not sure if Nessie is going to let him stick around," Alice murmured. "He had shown up to apologize, and then you started to wake up and he jumped to pin you down along with everyone else, but Nessie still wasn't seeming particularly inclined to forgive him at that point."

"Forgive him?" I repeated. "So he's Nessie's pet wolf? I was under the impression that he was a family pet."

Jasper could no longer contain his laughter at all. Alice shot him a disapproving look, but said nothing to him. Instead, she addressed my question. "He's not really our pet wolf. He's… more like a friend of the family, I suppose," she began.

That didn't precisely fit with the interactions I'd observed between the wolf and the Cullens. At least, I didn't think it did. My memories were still hazy, but he definitely seemed to fall into a sort of subservient role. Particularly where Nessie was concerned. I didn't ask any further questions though, because I remembered that I had Edward's memories from my reading of him only a short time ago, and they were not at all hazy. I searched through his recollections of the nature of the family's relationship with Jacob and gasped. "I see," I said quietly. "If Nessie doesn't forgive him—"

"We don't know precisely what that will do to him," Alice confirmed in a soft voice. "She probably will, though. I can't see either of them to be sure, but Nessie's not really one to hold a grudge."

"It's my fault that she's angry with him," I mumbled.

"Aro, you didn't make him run off at the mouth and say something asinine," Jasper corrected me.

"But if I hadn't retained my attachment to…" Despite everything, I couldn't quite bring myself to speak Sulpicia's name aloud. "If I had been more detached, I would have transformed normally. If I had been better able to tolerate the illness, Carlisle wouldn't have needed to turn me when he did. If—"

"You can't blame yourself for being sick!" Alice exclaimed.

Perhaps she was right, but nonetheless, the wolf had only been trying to do what came naturally to him. I had caused significant turbulence in the lives of the Cullens. I felt as if subsequent events had somewhat made up for the turmoil I'd caused Emmett and Rosalie. After all, they were about to have children of their own. My interference with the relationship of Nessie and her wolf, though, couldn't be solved with children. I didn't think Nessie was particularly inclined to have children at this point, if it were even possible for hybrid females, and even if she were, it would be somewhat difficult from what I recalled of human anatomy for her wolf to impregnate her if she would not allow him to speak to her.

Still, Alice was leaving something out of the equation. My blame went back further than simply my becoming ill. If I'd never become human again, I would never have become ill. I would not have become human again if I hadn't killed Didyme.

My own sister. I'd never properly mourned her passing, even though it should have been far more upsetting to me than the loss of a covenmate. Marcus's wife, his soulmate, his reason for existing. How could I have done such a selfish and horrible thing to a man I dared call "brother?"

Brother. I hadn't properly understood the meaning of the word until I spent time with the Cullens. Only after seeing Emmett, Jasper, and Edward show genuine love for one another, putting their own needs behind those of their brothers, did I finally comprehend how Marcus, Caius, and I should have been from the beginning.

But it was too late. I had already thrown it all away, and I not only had nothing to show for it, but I had hurt so many people in my quest for power. Power which held no meaning whatsoever to me now that I had no one with whom to share it.

My mind was back to the way it should be. Vast. Endless, really. Capable of handling many tasks at once. Able to learn anything, to store anything, to create anything. How was it possible that with all of this space in my mind, I'd never before learned to be compassionate?

I hadn't even noticed that we were back at the Cullens' house until Edward quietly replied to my unspoken question. "Because you never had the proper upbringing before."

Upbringing? I seethed momentarily with fury until once again, suddenly feeling remarkably calm. Jasper was staring at me worriedly. Of course, that was why I kept feeling calm. My own memory couldn't quite recall Jasper's empathic abilities, but Edward's memories had made it more than clear. I should probably explain my sudden burst of emotion.

"I'm sorry about that, Jasper. You see, when Edward referred to my 'upbringing,' I felt that he was implying that I was some sort of child. As I am far older than anyone else in this scenario, both in terms of physical age and in terms of chronological age, I objected to that assessment."

"I meant no disrespect," Edward put in hurriedly. "I was only referring to your state of mind when you were changed from a human to a vampire. I didn't know what else to call it."

That did make considerably more sense. Being with the Cullens had changed me in ways I'd never believed possible, and in truth, ways I would never have wanted if the choice had been presented to me two months before this adventure began. Whether or not these changes would be permanent remained to be seen. I could only hope that they would. Caring about power and only power was fun for awhile, but eventually it gave way to a lonely existence. No wonder I had depended so heavily upon Sulpicia. It wasn't only because she was my mate. It was also because she was the only person who would voluntarily have anything to do with me.

Friends. I'd never had much use for them before. Making friends didn't give you more power, and in fact, it often got in the way of gaining more power. Now I desperately wanted a friend, and I knew that it was impossible. There could be no one left in the vampire community who didn't already either fear me or despise me. I deserved it. I deserved it all for what I'd done.

Without warning, Edward moved quickly to my side and grasped my hand. The motion startled me, nearly causing another surge of panic, but he must have tipped Jasper off to what he was about to do, because the emotion didn't overtake me this time. After a few moments, I realized what he was trying to tell me.

"Carlisle would still consider me a friend after everything I've done? Even after the things I've done to his family and to him personally?" That couldn't be right. No one was that forgiving.

"Carlisle is," Edward said firmly, releasing my hand from his grasp. "If you truly need a friend, I suggest starting there. He's in his study."

I nodded curtly, my head spinning with too much information to properly organize. Sulpicia. Didyme. Jacob. Nessie. Carlisle. What could I do? What should I do? I knew I needed to rescue this family from Caius, but I didn't feel as if I could run away now, not without fixing the other problems I'd caused, and not without having a friend in the world. I had nothing to lose from following Edward's advice. I took a deep breath, pushing away the urge to chase after the scent of human blood that was only just up the stairs, and made my way to Carlisle's study.